Worthy of Rain

by Elizaveta Fehr

  I wanted to crawl into them and hide.

  A moment later, the principal broke the silence in the room. “Genesis, your dad’s here.”

  I grabbed my too-empty book bag and slung it over my shoulder. I would have said goodbye to Jace, but I couldn’t find it in me.

  When I climbed into my dad’s car, I almost wished I had tried to walk home. The drive home was awkward, solemn, and uncomfortable. I wanted nothing more than to simply disappear into the cracks in the seat.

  This whole thing was a mess. A complete and utter mess,

  I tried to climb out of the car before he had even parked it in the driveway. A chill shook up the oak tree’s canopy in our backyard and our neighbor’s dog, Molly, tugged at her chain. I yanked open the screen door and didn’t wait until my dad got inside the house.

  I kicked off my shoes and dropped my bag in the middle of the floor. I turned on the TV, hoping to drown out the noise in my head. A car door slammed shut outside the house and my dad’s terse voice seeped through one of the open windows.

  “Go home, Jace. You’ve caused enough trouble.”

  I jumped out of my skin.

  “Just let me talk to her.” Now the voices were coming from the back door. The screen door swung open. Jace took the steps two at a time and walked into our kitchen. My dad appeared behind him, furious.

  I leapt to my feet and darted into the kitchen. “Dad, it’s okay. Jace didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “No, Genesis, he’s right. I am the cause of a lot of your problems.” He ran his hand through his hair and took a deep breath. “I went to the library to tell you this morning, and then I saw Aven,” he began.

  He looked at what was left of my Bible on the counter. “I’m so sorry, Gen,” and his eyes softened as he shook his head in disdain. “I should have been faster. I should have just grabbed it when I had the chance. I should have—”

  I lifted up a hand. “Stop. It’s not your fault, okay?”

  With my words, Jace’s face fell. He closed his eyes. “Gen, there’s something I probably should have told you a long time ago.”

  I let my hand drop. “What are you talking about?”

  “It’s been years since a case like this has come up. Just this Monday, two young eighth-graders from Stoneybrook Middle School challenged their history teacher in a class project, incorporating their religious point of views into their presentation.”

  I turned to face the TV, the news pulled up on the screen. Snatching the remote control, I turned the volume up.

  “Dad!” I called, but he was already planting himself in front of the TV.

  “Apparently, as officials say, the two were kicked out of class and given an in-school suspension to serve as punishment for their inclusion of religious aspects in a class project. The county has gone mad, demanding reprimands to correct Stoneybrook Middle School’s harsh facilitation. But that’s not all that has come up from Stoneybrook’s sudden event. Genesis Amelyst and Jace Anthony have a history.”

  I turned up the volume even more.

  “Almost a decade ago, Pyron Anthony, Jace’s older brother, was involved in a fatal car accident with Jennifer Amelyst, the mother of Genesis Amelyst and wife of Todd Amelyst. Officials say the boy was under the influence, careening out of his lane to catastrophically collide into Jennifer’s vehicle on April 15th of that year. To think the two have now become…”

  I dropped the remote.

  “Genesis…”

  I couldn’t breathe. My body felt like cement was pouring into me through my mouth, suffocating me until I forgot how to see or think or feel.

  “Genesis, I’m so sorry. I should have told you…” his voice cracked. It sounded like a gunshot as it echoed in my hollowed body. I slowly turned to face him. My vision blurring as tears carved rivers into my face.

  The framed photograph Jace picked up in the living room. His reaction to my bracelet, the same bracelet my mom was wearing the night she died. The way my dad left the restaurant when the Anthonys walked in. Why Jace knew what my birthday was because it was the same day my mom died.

  It all made sense now.

  “You knew?” I choked out. “You knew this whole time and you didn’t think once to tell me?” A gasp escaped my lips before I could stop it. Jace was frozen.

  “Why is it…” I said carefully, trying to fight the sobs tearing at the back of my throat. “That I am the last to know about anything that goes on in my stupid life?”

  Jace tried to open his mouth, but I stopped him. “You watched me cry about her all the time, Jace, for years and you didn’t think to say anything?”

  The rest of the newscast was already drowned in the background. Jace stared at me, tears welling up in his eyes.

  “Get out.” The sobs were now gone. The cement had hardened into real concrete.

  “But—”

  “I said get out.” I could no longer see anything real anymore. Instead, I watched my mother as her head rolled from side to side on the ground like it always did in my imagination. Back and forth. Her eyes dead and unseeing and hard.

  Like me.

  I couldn’t tell you what time he left. I couldn’t tell you if he said anything back. I couldn’t tell you anything about Jace Anthony.

  Cement eyes can’t see anything.

  Chapter Sixty-Eight

  The afternoon light cast a grayish hue through the windows, filling my room with a dim light that was slowly turning into evening shadows. I traced the thread lines in my covers

  The house was silent except for my dad’s hushed voice in the basement. He was on the phone again, speaking angrily into the receiver. I stopped listening a while ago. I already knew. Jace was the person my dad was talking about while I was hidden in the closet. His brother was the one who ruined all of our lives.

  I felt betrayed by my best friend.

  Best friend. My mind let the word bounce around in my brain like one of those silver balls in a pinball machine.

  But it wasn’t just him who lost my trust. I also felt betrayed by myself. How could I not have seen it? All of it. The signs were written in bold ink, and I managed to miss them with a blink of an eye.

  I rolled over and pulled the covers up around my face. If I could shut out the world completely, I would.

  The door to my room creaked open. I pressed further into my bed.

  “Gen,” my dad said, sitting on my bed. His voice still sounded taut.

  “Gen, the court case is set for next week.”

  I didn’t say anything for a moment. “What does that mean?”

  “Phil and I have been talking about it for a while now. They want to let him out early for good behavior. We aren’t going to let it happen. He has to serve his full time.”

  “I don’t see why it matters anymore,” I responded dryly. “It’s already done, Dad. She’s not coming back.” I said the last sentence harsher than I wanted to.

  “That boy was let off way too easily, Genesis. We should have kept going with the case years ago, but you know we didn’t have the money. We had to pay for the funeral.”

  I didn’t answer.

  “You’re done hanging around with Jace. I want to make that clear.”

  My stomach lurched at the thought. As if something wasn’t right. I sat up. “It wasn’t Jace who was driving, Dad.”

  He didn’t look away as he said, “But he was in the car.”

  My heart crumbled. I said softly, “How do you know?”

  “Because I remember him.” Dad shifted his weight on the bed to stand up. “I saw him at the hospital the day your mom died. He remembers everything.”

  He closed the door behind him, leaving the room the way he found it. Silent.

  I tried to think about anything else as the evening folded into night.

  The walls of Jericho collapsed in a wave, one brick peeling off the other as they tumbled. The ground around me shook like before, but this time, I couldn’t run. I couldn’t move at all.

  Pan
ic set in. I knew it was a dream, but I still struggled relentlessly. The pale sky had become the ground and everything around it.

  A hand stretched out to grab ahold of me. On instinct, I reached for it, but my fingers kept missing. I needed to cover a little more space to reach it. I stretched farther. My limbs cracked and broke.

  Then, just as quickly as it came, the hand dissolved into a flurry of dust, and I was left to be buried in the stones collapsing into a grave around me.

  Chapter Sixty-Nine

  I thought I’d be able to forget.

  I thought I’d go to school and be able to pretend like it never happened. Like I never got kicked out of class. Like I never made that stupid project. Like I never even knew Jace Anthony existed. Like people forgot I existed.

  I thought, I thought, I thought. But as the days passed by, I became increasingly aware of the outside tension building in the world around me. Now, my whole town knew, thanks to the news broadcast. Social media blew up, people from all over demanding the decision to kick us out to be revoked. People I had never even met before kept trying to contact me, so Dad put us on internet lock down. I had to delete all of my social media accounts.

  I guess, in a way, it was sort of satisfying. I liked having so many people on my side. It helped me feel better about hating Mrs. Whitaker.

  And now, the suspension wasn’t the only thing the town was talking about. The court case was a whole new hot topic added to the mix.

  But the worst part of it all was that I couldn’t forget. That I couldn’t talk to the one person I wanted to tell everything to. The one person who knew exactly the extent of work we went through, the consequences we understood, and how we still did it despite everything.

  We still did it. And I still wanted to believe that what I felt wasn’t a lie. That the Bible wasn’t just a story and God wasn’t just a broken author. That everything I had believed in wasn’t as ripped apart as the Bible that still sat on my dresser.

  I tried to pretend like I was okay…when I really wasn’t.

  I guess I was used to it. I’d been doing it for years.

  Jace would creep up at times when I least expected it. I’d think of him in the car ride home. I’d see his face in the kids walking down the street. I’d hear him laugh down the hallway, only to look closer and see nothing but strangers, turning around to see no one but people I barely knew.

  I’d never felt so alone in my life.

  Chapter Seventy

  Three weeks later, I woke up and saw that the morning was already gloomy.

  Staring at the dress hanging over my bedframe, I lay in bed until the clock turned to 9:05…9:19…9:27. Tick, tock. Tick, tock went the clock.

  This was it.

  “Genesis.” My dad poked his head through the crack. He had his nice suit on with no tie and he’d put gel in his hair to try to make himself look younger. “It’s time to go.”

  My mind was as blank as the sky. I got up slowly and set my bare feet on the ground. I grabbed the hanger.

  This was it.

  The car ride there was somber. Both of us were quiet.

  My Dad spoke after a few moments. “Can you grab the folder from the glove compartment, please.”

  I leaned forward and unlatched it. I felt around for the folder and grabbed it, handing it to Dad. Something dropped from the glove compartment onto the floor. I picked up the object.

  It was the wooden lamb from the antique fair, the one we found inside the car. I turned it over, squinting at the detail.

  It was the same detail Jace put in his other animal figurines.

  I rubbed the wood between my fingers sadly. The lamb reminded me of the lion and the lamb that one day I read Genesis. They sat together in the sunny clearing like they weren’t enemies any longer.

  He must’ve put it in here that day. The day before we even became friends. A day we were better than we are now. I was still so unbelievably hurt he kept so much from me. But it didn’t stop me from missing him.

  I pocketed the figurine while we parked the car outside of the courthouse. He adjusted his jacket and rubbed his temple.

  “What exactly is going to happen, Dad?” I said from behind him. I picked up my pace to catch up. He was already several strides ahead of me. His jaw looked firm and his eyes were cold.

  “I don’t know, Genesis. Just stay quiet. We want this to be a one-and-done.”

  I quickly retreated. It was one thing for my dad to be professionally aloof with his students, but with me? He never acted that way with me. I didn’t say anything about it.

  We entered through the front entrance. For our small town, the building was busier than I expected. I glimpsed a camera crew stationed right outside of the doors to the courtroom. The news lady combed a hand through her wavy ponytail. I sidestepped to hide behind a group of lawyers and avoided eye contact.

  I glanced at my dad who had taken his glasses out from his front pocket to dig around for a handkerchief. He rolled his shoulders and scanned the foyer. He was nervous, I could tell.

  I looked around the room to see if I could spot Jace. Besides a few times at school, I hadn’t seen him in weeks. But of course, I knew he’d be here. He’d be here to support his brother.

  Dad reached back and nudged me forward along with him, not bothering to look behind him.

  “Phil, good morning,” he greeted his lawyer and shook his hand, leaving me to stand a little way behind as they carried on their conversation. They stood close to each other and spoke in hushed tones. I followed my dad and Phil into the court room, making sure to keep close behind them. Anxiety was struggling in its cage, threatening to break loose. Too many bodies and quick glances and dry-cleaned suits and briefcases and officials and…

  I saw him. He looked so much like Jace I almost thought it was my former best friend the first time I saw him.

  He was taller. Lankier. His upper back bent a little as he stood. He had his hands shoved down his pockets. Hair was flopped to one side. He had the same hair color as Jace. Same oval-shaped face and small nose. A different mouth and eyebrows.

  My mother’s killer stood not twenty yards away from where I was.

  He looked so…normal.

  In my dreams—the nightmares that woke me up at night—I imagined him as anything but normal. But this person standing in front of me, he was just a kid. A kid that ruined my entire life with one dumb choice. The same choice that destroyed his.

  This didn’t feel right at all. Hadn’t he served his time already? Why were we bringing this all back up again?

  In that moment, as the crowd milling in the foyer began to filter into the courtroom, I was glad I couldn’t remember his name.

  The judge didn’t bother to let the crowd quiet down before he began the usual formalities. The cameras weren’t allowed inside the court room, but I could still hear them airing behind the doors as the news lady reported her segment. I was sitting directly behind my dad in the front row, wishing I could die right then and there. This all felt wrong. My stomach knotted itself.

  Dad turned around and grabbed my hand. I took it swiftly.

  “Dad, are you sure—”

  He gave me a tight smile and squeezed my hand. “We are going to win this one, sweetie. Mom will get justice. Don’t you worry.”

  He let go and faced the judge’s chair. I dropped my hand in defeat. He must have thought I was nervous for us. It couldn’t have been more opposite.

  Are you sure we should do this? I finished the question in my head. My body went rigid and I stared out into space. There was nothing I could do now.

  Chapter Seventy-One

  I scanned the corners of the room. This was so unlike him. Of course, he’d be here for his brother. Why wasn’t he here?

  Why do you want him to be here? said a voice in my head.

  I swallowed.

  Pyron had the room’s full attention, and suddenly, I felt bad for him. I’d never seen someone look so defeated and…done. He was just done with fi
ghting. He brushed his hair out of his face and slouched in the chair. He couldn’t seem to bring himself to look over at us.

  “Pyron Anthony, please recount the detailed events regarding the night of April 15th in your own words for the court to hear.” My breath caught when he glanced up. Why did I feel ready to throw up?

  He glanced at the judge and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “April 15th is a day I will regret for the rest of my life.” He paused to clear his throat and dipped his head.

  “That evening, I’d been drinking a little more than I was used to. I don’t know when I started, maybe sometime around 5:00 p.m. I wasn’t drinking with anyone, just by myself in the house since my parents were gone. I can’t really say why. I just started drinking and didn’t stop.”

  He shifted in his seat, then continued. “I remembered last minute that I had to pick Jace up, so I grabbed my keys and jumped in the car. I was already forty minutes late to pick him up from daycare, and I knew Mom and Dad would have my head if they found out.”

  “I guess I forgot how drunk I really was because I was struggling to stay on the road. I made it to the school and found Jace sitting on the steps. He was too young to know what was going on.”

  He put his head in his hands and breathed in deeply. The room was utterly silent.

  “I got about five miles down the road before I ran a stop sign and drove straight into another car.”

  For a second, I lost all sense of gravity. The two cars collided before my eyes. Glass and blood and skin and my mom. Dead on the pavement.

  “After the EMTs came, they took her to the hospital. It didn’t matter. She died on the way there.”

  He shook his head and looked directly at my father. “Nothing I can do can ever bring her back. I know that. All I can say is I am sorry to this day and will be for the rest of my life….”

  The rest of his apology faded off in the distance. I was already running.

  Chapter Seventy-Two

  The tears made my vision so blurry I had to stop. Somehow, I’d found myself outside the courthouse near an oak. It was pressed against the side of the building, its limbs attempting to dig into the stone. I grabbed onto its trunk to catch my breath, not bothering to hide the gasps escaping me.