In My Heart

by E. L. Todd

  “No, not at all. We went out one time.”

  “Sounds like a dickhead.”

  She smirked. “Yeah, he does, doesn’t he?”

  “I can take care of him.” I snatched her phone.

  “Whoa, hold on.” She snatched it back. “I don’t need anyone to fight my battles for me. I told him I didn’t want to go out with him again. If he wants to waste his time blowing up my phone, he can knock himself out.” She set the phone back on the table. “But I’m not going to listen to it.”

  I still wanted to break his neck.

  “Don’t get all over-protective.” She rolled her eyes at me.

  “It’s my job.”

  “How do you figure?”

  “I’m your best friend. I’m supposed to look after you.” I didn’t realize what I said until the damage was done. I’d never had a best friend in my life, but now I realized she was the first. She wasn’t just a friend. She was more than that. But she wasn’t my lover either.

  “Best friends have each other’s backs, of course. But they don’t fight battles for each other.” She went back to eating like the conversation was over.

  I knew it was pointless to argue with her so I continued eating. “Let me know if you need anything.”

  “Thanks.”

  Silence fell across the table for several minutes. Usually it was comfortable, but now it was just awkward.

  “Anyone in your life right now?”

  “No.” That was always my answer. I didn’t have relationships, just a string of weeklong escapades.

  “You aren’t seeing anyone?” Skepticism was in her voice.

  “I never see anybody.”

  “You know what I mean, Hawke.” She gave me that look that told me I couldn’t hide.

  I never talked about this kind of stuff with her. It made me feel guilty for reasons I couldn’t explain. “Here and there…”

  “I don’t want to infringe on your lifestyle. If you want to go out or bring someone here, I can leave.”

  That’s the last thing I wanted. “No, I like being here with you.”

  She picked at her pasta but didn’t eat it.

  “If I wanted to leave, I would just go and not say a damn thing to you.” I didn’t mean to be so hostile, but this was a topic I didn’t like discussing—at least with her. I felt ashamed for what I did on my own time. She didn’t judge me for it, but I knew she wanted me to have more than meaningless sex.

  “I was just asking as a friend…no need to get upset.”

  I had a bad temper. Sometimes it went out of control and I couldn’t calm myself. It was one of the worst attributes I had—and I got it from my worthless father. “I’m sorry. I just don’t like talking about it.”

  “You just called me your best friend. And best friends tell each other everything.”

  She had me cornered. “I was with this girl last week, but I dumped her. I’m alone right now.”

  “Brittany?” She remembered the name from the text message.

  “Jessica.”

  “The girl we saw at the restaurant?”

  Why did she have such a good memory? “Yes.”

  She continued to pick at her food. “Did you hook up with her after our date?”

  “What kind of question is that?” My temper flared again.

  She stiffened at my outburst. “I’m sorry…I take it back.”

  Now I was being a dick to the one person who actually liked me. “No, I didn’t hook up with her. I came home and beat off in the shower.”

  She held her fork in her hand and didn’t make a move. Her eyes were downcast like she was in shock.

  “You asked…”

  “I just…never mind.” She shook her head and kept eating.

  I sipped my water while examining her face. I didn’t care about not censoring my thoughts. People’s opinions meant nothing to me. And she knew how attracted I was to her. I pressed my hard dick against her on our first date and made it clear just how turned on I was. “Thank you for dinner.” I wanted to say something to break the silence.

  “Of course.” Her eyes were still glued to her plate.

  “You really lighten the place up around here. It smells like flowers all the time.”

  “That’s just the smell of a clean home.”

  “Well, I like it. I need to get a maid or something.”

  She finished her plate then wiped her lips with a napkin. I spotted the movement and wondered how my lips would feel pressed against hers. Would it feel just as good as last time? Or would it feel better?

  I had a feeling it would be better.

  “I’ll do the dishes tonight.”

  “I don’t think so.” I shot her a glare that told her I wouldn’t change my mind. She could be stubborn, but I was more stubborn. “You cook and I clean. That’s our arrangement.”

  Francesca recognized the determination in my voice. “Fine. I’m going to start a load of laundry.” She left the table and walked down the hall.

  My eyes moved to her figure. She was all curves. She was lean and limber, but she had strength in the right places. Her thighs were toned like she went running often, and her ass was firm and lifted. My eyes took it in as it swayed back and forth slightly. When she disappeared around the corner, my eyes were devastated from the loss.

  ***

  After I brushed my teeth, I got into bed beside her. This was my favorite time of the day. A beautiful woman shared my bed, and not just any beautiful woman. I didn’t usually snuggle, only when I thought the girl would throw a hissy fit if I didn’t, but I liked doing it with Francesca.

  It felt…nice.

  Once I was under the sheets, I turned on my side and stared at her.

  Her face was freshly clean from washing it, and the make up was gone. She looked so beautiful without it that I wasn’t sure why she wore it at all. Her eyes sparkled on their own, and her flawless skin was fairer than a porcelain doll. When girls wore too much make up, it was a turn off for me. If they had to wear that much, they must be really hideous without it. Francesca looked like a supermodel all on her own with no one’s help.

  She was all natural.

  She released a quiet sigh. It was barely audible. “What are you thinking?”

  I held her gaze and didn’t blink. “You’re beautiful.” It was the honest truth, and I didn’t like to lie. If she couldn’t handle it, she could leave.

  Francesca was one of the few girls I met who could take a compliment without being annoying about it. She always said thank you but didn’t seem conceited about it. She had the right amount of confidence. “That’s nice of you to say.”

  “You asked.”

  Her hair stretched across the pillow and made her look like an exotic mermaid that just crawled out of the sea. Her eyes were the color of seaweed and they seemed to possess the secrets of the deep.

  “What are you thinking about?”

  She stretched her legs slightly under the sheets while she made another musical sigh. “About you beating off in the shower.” Francesca was just as honest as I was, and that was refreshing and surprising.

  “Turn you on?” I gave her a smug grin.

  “Yes.” She said it with complete seriousness.

  My heart skipped a beat at her words.

  A slight smile stretched her lips. “You asked.”

  I loved her playfulness. She was classy, but not too classy. She was down-to-earth and real. She was better than a slutty girl who would give it up to anybody, and she was much better than a virgin. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever had in my bed.” That was the truth.

  “Yeah?”

  I nodded. “And the only girl I’ve slept with…and only slept with.”

  “Because you care about me.” Affection was in her eyes.

  “I care about you a lot.” More than anyone, actually. Francesca chased away the darkness when she brought the light.

  “It’s hard for me to find a guy I like because I keep comparing them
to you.”

  That caught my attention. “In what way?”

  “This connection. I’ve never had it with anyone else. Have you?”

  I shook my head.

  “I can’t describe it…because there are no words to describe it. Shouldn’t I have something like that with the man I end up with?” The question was rhetorical. “Every guy I go out with…doesn’t have it. We don’t click the way you and I do.”

  Knowing she compared every guy to me filled me with joy—but also sadness. I couldn’t give her what she wanted even if I wanted to. I always had to keep my distance and my hands to myself. She deserved a man who wasn’t fucked up in the head like I was. But I also didn’t want to share her with anyone else. “I know what you mean.”

  “I’m just glad I’m not crazy. Whenever I try to explain it to Marie, she doesn’t get it.”

  “And I haven’t bothered explaining it to Axel.”

  She chuckled softly. “You shouldn’t waste your time.”

  “At least you and I get it.”

  “Yeah…”

  Whatever the hell it was. Maybe she was just a best friend. Maybe it was the first time I’d ever been able to be myself around someone. Who knew what it was. But it was there nonetheless.

  My arm moved around her petite waist and I dragged her across the bed into my chest. She was half my size and easy to move around. When our skin came into contact, I immediately felt warm—but in a good way. My face was close to hers and I could smell her hair. It reminded me of a meadow in spring. Her skin was soft, and I missed the way it felt against my lips. The closeness healed my aching heart. The intimacy was something I’d never experienced before. It was the first time I’d ever been close to another human being—spiritually. Our hearts synced together and so did our breathing. I was entertained with her presence, and it had nothing to do with sex. All I wanted was her—nothing else.

  “You’re so cuddly to sleep with.”

  I smiled slightly. “I’m like a big teddy bear.”

  “A grizzly bear.” Her arm moved around my waist and she tucked her leg between mine.

  I released a quiet growl.

  She chuckled. “So scary…”

  “You shouldn’t be scared. But everyone else should.”

  “You’re a gentle giant. You act tough on the outside, but you’re a big sweetheart on the inside.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  She held my gaze before she closed her eyes. “Everything about you.”

  ***

  My phone vibrated on my nightstand three times before I realized someone was calling me. Being pulled from my dreams was painful. I was in a good place, Francesca still in my arms.

  My eyes opened and I saw her hair cascaded around her face. She was dead asleep and hadn’t heard the phone. She looked small, safely cocooned in my arms. I really did feel like a grizzly bear keeping her warm from the cold.

  The phone vibrated again so I snatched it and glanced at the screen. Instead of seeing one of my regulars, I saw my mother’s name.

  Shit.

  Not tonight.

  Why did she have to call me this week?

  I gently removed myself from Francesca’s side and made it down the hallway. The air was freezing in the middle of the night. The coldness seemed to leak through the cracks of the apartment.

  I took the call once I was in the kitchen. “What?”

  Mom was whimpering into the phone. “Hawke, please.” She didn’t need to say anything else. The calls were always the same. She needed to call the police or move in with me but she never did. Every time my dad apologized, she took him back like an idiot.

  Why should I help her when this kept happening? I’d already been the subject of his torments, and now that I wasn’t there, my mom was the only target when he was drinking. Instead of letting him do whatever he wanted, she should be strong and stand up for herself.

  But that would never happen.

  It didn’t matter how much she irritated me. It didn’t matter how many times she called me. I had to help her.

  Because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t.

  ***

  This time, Dad had a bat. He was breaking down the bathroom door when I arrived. He screamed incoherent things and threatened to kill her. To anyone else, he would be terrifying.

  But he didn’t scare me.

  I grabbed a vase from the table then slammed it hard against the back of his head. He immediately crumbled into a ball on the floor, his eyes closed. I stared down at him as the silence echoed. All I had to do was bash his head open and I wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore. Mom would be free. She could collect the life insurance and move on.

  I could make it look like an accident.

  But I wasn’t a murderer. I was already tainted with darkness. If I did it, I would be poisoned for the rest of my life. I’d be caught and thrown in jail, and all my dreams would be gone forever.

  Mom opened the door, or what was left of it. When she realized he was knocked out cold, she breathed a sigh of relief and clutched her chest. But then she winced like she was in pain.

  “Mom, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.” She dabbed at her eyes.

  I spotted the bruises along her forearm. “He hurt you.” I grabbed her hand and examined the injury. My blood boiled at the sight. She usually managed not to get hurt during his drunken fights. But tonight she didn’t escape his violence.

  “He grabbed me…it was an accident.”

  “No, it wasn’t.” How long would she rationalize this stupidity?

  She pulled her sleeve down so the marks were hidden. “I’m fine. Really.”

  I wanted to smack her myself. “Let’s go.”

  She eyed my dad before she stepped around him.

  ***

  I didn’t realize the unpleasant situation I was in until we walked into the apartment. Francesca was still asleep, but how would I explain why my mother was there in the morning? How could I hide the two women from each other?

  Mom sat at the kitchen table and winced when she moved her arm.

  “Let’s go to the hospital.”

  “No.” She was just as stubborn as I was.

  “Something could be broken.”

  “Nothing is.” She wouldn’t make eye contact with me.

  I placed some water in front of her before I sat across the table. “This can’t go on any longer. We need to get the police involved.”

  A glossy look came into her eyes. “It only happens once in a while.”

  “It shouldn’t happen at all.” My temper was rising and the heat was flushing my face.

  “He’s a good man—”

  “He used to strangle me with a belt.” How could she sit there and defend him? “He used to slam my hand in the back door. Don’t sit there and tell me he’s a good man. He’s a pathetic excuse for a human being.” I tried to keep my voice down but it was a struggle. There was too much pain to keep it back.

  “I know…” She trailed off like she had nothing to say.

  “Move in with me.” Living with my mom wasn’t my ideal living situation, but I was the only one who could protect her. I trusted myself over the police. “He can’t hurt you while I’m here.” I used to be terrified of my father but now it was the other way around.

  She shook her head. “Theodore Jr.—”

  “Don’t. Call. Me. That.” I slammed my fist down on the table and almost broke it. “This has gone on long enough. One of these days, he’s really going to hurt you. And one day, he might kill you.”

  She didn’t meet my gaze.

  “How can you keep going back to him?”

  “You wouldn’t understand…”

  “You’re right,” I snapped. “I don’t understand. Just leave him. I can protect you. You don’t need to suffer anymore.”

  “He’ll come after me.”

  “I’d like to see him try.”

  Her voice broke. “He isn’t like that all
the time. Things are good—”

  “Until he has too much to drink and then it goes bad.”

  Her eyes finally met mine.

  “You will die this way unless you change it. My doors are always open.”

  “I know, sweetheart. You’re such a good son…”

  “Then leave him. I’ll take you to get your things and you’ll live with me.”

  She closed her eyes.

  I lost my temper and turned the table over. It crashed on the floor and knocked over the other chairs. Adrenaline was coursing in my veins. I needed to demolish the house. “Goddammit!” I clenched my hands into fists. “He’s a piece of shit. Leave him. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  “Calm down…”

  “No, you need to stop being calm. He abuses you, Mom. This behavior is unacceptable.”

  She raised her hand. “You have a temper just like your father…you need to control it.”

  “Do you see me hitting anyone?” My hands shook in anger.

  Mom’s eyes left my face and moved past my shoulder. Confusion moved across her eyes before she turned back to me.

  She didn’t need to tell me what she saw. Francesca was standing right behind me. She undoubtedly heard me lose my temper and saw me destroy my own table. I forgot about her in the heat of our argument. This was a side to me I hid from the world.

  And now my secret was out.

  I slowly turned around and faced her. She stood in her pajama shorts and tank top, her hair messy and her eyes full of interrupted sleep. I didn’t know what to say or do. All I did was stare.

  Francesca returned the look with pity in her eyes. The pain in my heart was reflected back at me through her gaze. It was obvious she knew everything just from the look.

  “Go back to bed.” She didn’t respond to commands very often, but I knew she would obey this one.

  She turned around without arguing and walked away.

  I turned back to my mom, feeling the weight of stress fall on my shoulders. Francesca knew my darkest secret. And now she knew I was a monster.

  “I didn’t realize you had company…” Mom’s voice came out as a whisper.

  I never talked about my personal life to my mom. We hardly talked about anything other than my piece of shit father. “She’s just a friend…”

  “She’s beautiful.”

  “I know.” I stepped away and headed to the couch. “You’ll have to take the sofa tonight.”