by Megan Noelle
“So, you said you wanted to talk. I just figured this would be a pretty good place, and it’s private.”
“It’s absolutely breathtaking” I replied as we walked hand in hand to the picnic table. I removed mine from his and pointed for him to take a seat. The confusion wasn’t hidden from his face, but he took a seat on top of the picnic table and pulled off his fingerless biker gloves.
I stood in front of him, exhaled a huge breath, and worked up the courage to say all that needed to be said.
“You know the other day when you told me Ollie didn’t deserve me?” Corey nodded. “I thought about what you said and I realized, I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you. You’re the single best person I’ve ever met and I’m nothing more than a fucked-up mess.”
I saw Corey’s face change to protest my words. My hand rose up to keep him from cutting in—I needed to get this out. I began pacing in the space in front of him.
“Every single relationship has played a part in screwing me up. Some hurt more than others, but I have never once experienced a normal relationship, a normal break-up or known what it feels like to be loved unconditionally. Constant heartbreak has built up this bulletproof shell that I never wanted to remove again. All of it stems from my childhood; what a shock, right?” I asked with a laugh to lighten the mood. Corey didn’t smile. He seemed to be hurting for me.
“Growing up, my parents were together for a while, but they had one of the most toxic relationships I’ve ever heard of. Back when they were together my mom’s only drug was alcohol, but that was enough. It felt like the two of them were always fighting and putting me in the middle of it. My father, Kole, meant the absolute world to me. While my mother left to go to the bar night after night we’d play together, read together and just spend time as a family. Some of my fondest memories were of him dressed up in my play clothes, pretending to rescue me from an evil witch in her castle. We spent hours drawing chalk people in front of our house and playing at the park. Kole was a different person when Audrey was around. They would scream at each other at the top of their lungs. My mother always gave me the excuse that my dad was the reason I didn’t get to see her more. While my dad would tell me what a terrible mother she was.”
Corey’s eyes were full of concern as he listened quietly to my long held heartaches.
“All I knew was I wanted someone to hold me and tell me all the fighting would stop. My grandparents were always too busy with the Inn to think about what was going on with our crazy household, so I was left to fend for myself. But even with my grandparent’s absence and my mother’s making the bar her priority instead of me—it was my dad that hurt me the worst. Never physically, the man would never have laid a hand on me, but emotionally I was screwed up. They would finish a fight and she would leave once again and I’d be on the verge of a breakdown. Kole would sit me down on his knee and look me in the eye and tell me we were going to do something fun together. The places he planned to take me varied, but they were all places I wanted to go.” A tear broke free as I remembered the sincere look on my dad’s face. “Truthfully, I would have gone anywhere…as long as he would be there too. He would tell me to be ready to go in a little bit when he got back from the store.”
“My father would leave and it would be just me in the house. I would change into one of my pretty dresses that my Gram bought me, brush my hair and go sit on the front steps to wait for him to come home. Morning would turn to the afternoon and then the night would cover me with a blanket of darkness and stars. Never once did he return to take me out. The next time I saw him he’d call me his Princess and tell me some magical story about why he didn’t come back. I was never able to stay mad at him and the next time he’d promise me an outing just the two of us, there I’d sit waiting once more.”
“There was nothing I wanted more than to mean something in his eyes.” A sigh passed my lips as I bit down on my bottom lip to stifle a sob. “The day he left us for good was the worst day of my life.”
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“You brought this upon yourself, Kole!”
“You’re right, you selfish bitch! What was I thinking falling for someone as fucking insane as you! How many other guys have you slept with, while I sit around waiting for you to return!?!” My father’s voice hit a level I never heard before. It terrified me. I watched them through the slit of my open bedroom door; neither one noticed me.
“Oh woe is me! I’m over it!! You don’t love me! When I am around, you don’t pay a speck of attention to me then you run off with all your other whores!” He rubbed his face before he sent his fist into the wall closest to him. A soft cry escaped my lips but they didn’t hear it.
“Audrey, can’t you fucking see if I wasn’t stuck loving you, I wouldn’t be here!”
“You’re not here for me—you’re here because of that kid you feel an obligation to! Well’ don’t stay around out of pity! We don’t need you, you piece of shit!” My mother’s face turned red. I wanted to rush out to him—I did need him. Why was she telling my daddy to leave?
“I stayed around to make a goddamn family with you!” His voice broke as he pleaded with my mom to see reason.
“What if I don’t want a family with you!?!”
My vision blurred from the tears that streaked my face. Dad took a bottle of their liquor and put it to his lips, gulping back a large swig. I’d hated it when he started drinking. Mom drank and I knew that, but when he drank it changed him. She made him drink. She was the reason he wasn’t the daddy I knew and loved.
“Well lucky for you, I’m done with this bullshit. You’re free to bring home whatever pricks you want—don’t let me stop you anymore. Not that it has stopped you before, you nasty slut!”
Her hand reached out and slapped him across the face. He grabbed her arms and pressed her back against the wall.
“Go on, baby, your pimps are waiting for you to drop your panties.”
“I hate you, Kole! Get the fuck out of our lives, and don’t come back!” She grabbed the lamp next to them and threw it viscously in his direction.
The shattering sounds rang through the house and rattled my bones. I watched, unable to tear my eyes away as he stood upright with his face flame red fists clenched tight at his sides.
“You BITCH!” My mother grabbed her purse and ran out the front door.
I couldn’t stop my little legs from running out to him, afraid he might be hurt.
“Daddy!” I’d cried out— my arms held on tight to the stuffed bunny rabbit he’d given me on my 5th birthday. He looked down into my eyes and sighed. I watched his face go from the comforting father I’d always known to the same cold distant look he usually reserved for my mother.
“You need to be in bed.” The sternness of his voice took me by surprise.
“Are you okay, Daddy? Will you come tuck me in?” I held out my hand for him to grab. He ignored it and crossed his arms over his chest.
“You’re too much like your mother, Danielle; I can’t be around you either.” He grabbed his wallet and bike keys off the littered dining room table and pushed past me outside.
“Daddy, no… come back!”
“Go inside, kid. I’m not your daddy anymore.” The bike roared to life under him and without a second glance back— he took off into the night. I ran after him, my feet screaming beneath me as rocks and twigs scarred my feet. When I could no longer see him I dropped to my knees and let the tears fall from my eyes.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“I screamed after him into the night, but he never returned. I was seven when he left us and after he rode away I walked back to our front steps and cried myself to sleep. My mother stumbled up the steps hours later and carried me into the house, setting me down in my bed. She looked at me and I could see her eyes were glazed over and she reeked of straight-up liquor. She held a finger out to me and said, ‘Your daddy isn’t coming back, baby. So you need to be a tough girl and get over it. No more tears over t
hat man, do you promise me?’ I nodded and she stumbled into her room and that was the last we spoke about it.”
“My mother actually took up a motherly role for a short period of time and my Gram started taking me to spend more time with them. None of them could replace my dad. My mother never saw me cry, but in the dead of the night I would. I missed my father horribly and that was when I started spending time with the only other guy I knew—Oliver. We grew up together— because our grandparents shoved us together to play with each other so they could do their own thing. He hated being stuck with me, but I loved it. Even as a child I was drawn to him. As we grew up, my childhood infatuation turned into a school girl crush which escalated into love. Oliver was the first guy I fell in love with, but that blew up in my face.”
“That girl I asked you about, Jayme, she was my best friend all 4 years of high school. At the end of senior year she got together with Ollie and completely embarrassed me. She knew how I felt about him, but all she thought about was herself. Losing the possibility of having Oliver in my life, made me remember losing Kole. As a 7-year old little girl I wasn’t enough for the one man who was supposed to love me unconditionally. So every time something has gone wrong with a guy in my life I think about him and how much he’d hurt me. I’ve stopped looking for a replacement for my dad and I want only to stand on my own two feet for once.”
“I realize now how much my own shit has hurt you, and Corey, you are the last person I want to hurt. But I just can’t promise you what you want right now. That doesn’t mean you deserve to be led on the way I’ve done to you. I just wanted to tell you all that so you didn’t think I was some heartless bitch or something.”
Corey hopped off the table to stand directly in front of me; hands delicately pressed against either side of my face. “I could never think of you as a heartless bitch, Dani. I’m sorry for all you’ve had to go through. You don’t need to apologize to me though, you’re right—you told me in the beginning you didn’t want anything serious. I’ve just never been around another woman that has made me feel the way that you do.” A waterfall of tears fell, my deepest secrets out there for another’s ears for the first time in my life. My heart ached for the 7-year old version of myself that was left to grow up on her own. I hurt even more now that I realized that moment changed my future and made me the scared person I’ve been keeping locked deep inside me.
“I really missed you, Corey.” My tears continued to pour and his arms held me even when my sobs shook us both. “I don’t want to hurt you, but if you’ll let me—I want to be your friend.” His smiled brightened his eyes as he looked down into mine.
“I’m glad, because I didn’t know how long I was going to last without talking to you anymore.”
“What do you mean?” I sniffled obnoxiously.
“It took everything in me not to call you or just show up out of the blue. I was being a stubborn-assed guy.” Corey paused to let out a sigh, his fingers trailing down the length of my face. “But I wanted you to need me the way I need you.”
My arms found their way around his neck as I pressed myself flush against his warm, hard body.
“I do, I just can’t give you what you want.”
“Having you in my life is what I want, Dani. No matter what that means.” His soft lips caressed my forehead. “Something tells me you haven’t shared the story of your past with many before.” I shook my head.
“You trusting me with that says more than you could imagine.”
“I just couldn’t let you hate me, without knowing what has made me so screwed up.”
Corey pulled me away from him to see down into my face. “You are many things Danielle, and screwed up isn’t one of them.” With that he leaned his face down towards mine, stopping right before reaching my lips. Part of me wanted to push him away, protect him just a little longer from the mess that was me. I resolved though that he knew what I was able to give and what I couldn’t. With that I stood on my tip toes and met him the rest of the way.
Corey prolonged the kiss as the passion mounted between us; his arms held tight around me, afraid to let go. What he didn’t know, was I had no intention of going anywhere. Right here, with him was the only place I wanted to be.
His lips moved with mine and I felt my heart start up again. The numb sappy feeling that was heavy as a rock in my chest disappeared. Whether the reason was because of sharing my story or having Corey back, it didn’t matter.
The kiss broke but the eye contact didn’t. “Come home with me.”
“Okay,” I said with a nod.
The ride back to the bar was refreshing and exciting. This time the wind didn’t scare me, and driving into the unknown was thrilling, instead of terrifying. We arrived sooner than I was ready to, but at least I didn’t have to drive home alone.
From the moment we burst through his apartment door our lips locked and didn’t falter. The need to have him close was overwhelming and taking over all other thoughts. The way Corey’s mouth and hands worked against my face and body told me just how much he missed me. Being here was all I wanted. Without having control, I realized Corey’s arms’ holding me against him was the only thing that truly cured me of the heartbreak from my past.
Then and Now
We laid together, my head on his chest and our fingers laced together. I wasn’t tired the way I expected, but I was sated once more.
“Dani?”
“Hmm?” I asked against his chest.
“Look at me.” Reluctantly I pulled back enough to see up into his eyes. “I promise I’ll never hurt you and from now on we’ll do this your way. Just as long as you promise you’ll continue to let me in.”
The thought of another woman lying here in Corey’s bed, in Corey’s arms cut through me, but who was I to start making rules about who he could see or not.
“Are you sure that’s okay? I mean just a few days ago things were completely opposite.”
“I know, but even the small amount of time apart taught me that I’d rather be a small piece in your day than not in your world at all. So if this is what it means for us, then that is okay by me.”
I sat up and held my weight to hover over him. “I really missed you.”
That was all I needed to say. Corey placed a kiss on my forehead before pulling me into his side. In that moment, I knew he was right. Not having Corey in my life would be unbearable; I wasn’t ready to walk away from this forever. Especially when this was all I had.
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The next morning I woke up to Corey showering my face, and neck with soft kisses. My eyes opened to see him grinning from ear-to-ear. Needless to say he was just as happy to have me there, as I was to be there. We made our way into the shower together, then enjoyed a delicious breakfast that Corey whipped up for us.
He walked me downstairs to my car when it was time to leave so I could go home and change in order to make it to work on time. We stopped at my car; Corey grabbed hold of my sweatshirt and pulled me into him. His lips melted against mine, making my knees feel weak.
“Have a good day, Dani.”
“You too; I’ll call you later.” “I hope so.” He placed a kiss on my lips, then another, and another. Soon I was giggling against his pecking mouth. He smiled against me before backing up; the blues of his eyes shone with the same happiness I was feeling.
“Can I tell you a little secret?” I was feeling bold; having Corey back made me want to do everything I could to keep him around.
“I love secrets.” He lowered his voice into a seductive whisper that brushed against my ear. Shivers shot down my spine at the heat of his words. I needed to keep my head on straight before this amazing man made me forget everything I was determined to say.
My hands pressed against his shoulders as I pushed myself up to reach his ear.
With my best attempt at a tone to match his, I whispered, “I am really going to miss you
today. I’m sure just as much as I have missed you every day this week.”
“You really missed me?” The delicacy in his tone made my heart swell. I was finished taking Corey and his amazing ways for granted.
“More than you know.” He flashed me his most amazing, dimple flashing, a panty dropping smile before capturing my mouth with his.
When he finally decided to let me go again he was looking at me in complete awe. “You just made my day, Sweets.” If I didn’t leave—I was never going to make it into work.
* * * *
Bailey was working the front desk when I got in. She immediately raised an eyebrow at my ridiculously large smile and cheery disposition.
“Good morning!” I sang out to her.
With a smirk on her face, she pointed out, “Looks like you finally talked to Corey.”
“What makes you say that?” I asked; trying to keep a straight face.
“Because you don’t look like you’re trying out for a role as a zombie in an upcoming movie.”
My grin returned and I nodded. “Yeah, we talked.”
“Good.” She smiled; reached her hand over and grabbed hold of mine. “I mean it, I’m glad you’re happy again.” “Thank you.” It wasn’t the first time I noticed Bailey’s sweet and caring heart but I finally saw it went deeper than affection for my Gram. I could really see Bailey and I growing closer and I very much looked forward to it.
Friday was a great day at work. I probably managed to get more done in one day than I had all week. Friday night I talked to Corey for an hour on the phone, before he convinced me to come into the bar. The bar was uncharacteristically busy even for a weekend night and I felt guilty taking up a stool. Both Corey and Sanders refused to let me feel like I was in the way. Beefcake bartender, Jerry, even tried to get me to jump on the bar and do a little dance, but Corey just about maimed him with the glare he shot his way.