Everything You Told Me

by Lucy Dawson

  She shakes her head. ‘Once I was certain Kelly had gone, I waited in my room in case you wanted to come and talk to me about anything.’ She looks pleadingly at me, and I know she’s referring to our conversation about Kelly’s past, and their relationship. ‘But everything went quiet, so I put my earplugs in. We’d already agreed that I wouldn’t get up with Theo in the night, and I wanted to be rested to help you in the morning. I was expecting him to be awake a lot, of course, and I was tired after the conference, so…’ She shrugs helplessly. ‘It didn’t even occur to me doing that might be a problem; wearing them seemed a sensible thing to do, if anything. I was out like a light and didn’t hear a squeak.’

  ‘So it was Matthew who discovered I was missing?’

  ‘Yes. When he came back from the pub, you weren’t in bed, so he thought you were sleeping in with Theo. Theo woke up at about half eleven and started crying. When he didn’t stop, Matthew went in to see what was wrong, and discovered you were gone.’

  I have to grip the arm of the sofa at the thought of my baby becoming steadily more desperate for me, and thinking he’d been abandoned in the night.

  ‘Did Chloe wake up too?’

  ‘Thankfully, no, although I honestly don’t know how. Matthew came and found me, we called the police, and then everything went from there.’

  Oh God, poor, poor Matthew. ‘That must have been horrendous for both of you. I’m so sorry.’

  ‘It’s OK, Sally,’ she says gently. ‘Theo was all right. He did settle back.’

  I nod, overwhelmed with guilt that I was not there. Where was I, when my baby was calling for me? What was happening to me?

  A movement out of the window catches my eye, however, and distracts me. Our car is pulling up onto the drive. They’re back! I jump up as Matthew climbs out. He doesn’t see me, but instead opens the passenger door for Chloe. I catch my breath at the sight of her blonde head bobbing around the edge of the Renault, and then she appears in front of the glass. She peers in excitedly, and as she sees me, her face lights up, and I just about hear her shout, ‘Mummy!’ Her sheer delight both makes me laugh and simultaneously sob, as we both turn and bolt for the front door. I get there first and throw it open in time to hear Matthew – carefully lifting Theo out of his car seat – calling after her to slow down, in case she trips.

  She breathlessly flings herself at me, almost knocking me off my feet. ‘Mummy! Mummy!’ she repeats, hugging my legs fiercely. The relief of reunion seems almost more than she can cope with, because she suddenly gives a random little leap and miaow.

  ‘Oh what a sweet little cat,’ I manage to say, recognizing a well-played game she particularly likes, as I pick her up and clutch her to me, closing my eyes and just holding her tightly. ‘What’s your name?’

  ‘Ella,’ she squeaks.

  I savour the familiar sweet smell of her hair as I picture myself staggering around on the cliff edge. It makes me feel physically sick. ‘I missed you,’ I say, trying not to let the emotion in my voice betray me, because Caroline’s right, Chloe needs everything to get back to normal as soon as possible.

  Matthew appears on the doorstep, the change bag slung over his shoulder and Theo snugly wrapped in his car seat. Theo is wearing both a coat and a hat. Matthew pauses, stares at me, eyes wide, and stumbles in over the step slightly.

  I instinctively step forward, still holding Chloe, one hand out to brace Theo – but instead, lifting Theo’s seat to the side so he doesn’t get bashed, Matthew envelops us with his free arm, wrapping it tightly around me and Chloe, before resting his forehead down on my head, and sighing shakily.

  ‘Bear hug!’ Chloe says, a little uncertainly, and wriggles free, forcing Matthew to release us. He sets Theo down gently on the carpet, and, as Chloe starts to kick her shoes off, I reach to unclip Theo’s straps.

  ‘Hello,’ I whisper, as Theo regards me solemnly. ‘Hello baby boy.’ I smile at him, swallowing down the lump in my throat, and after a moment’s pause, his face splits into a huge grin. I lift him out and into my arms, and turn to see Matthew watching me. I can tell he is bursting to say something, and I look at him worriedly, hoping he’ll wait until Chloe skips off into the sitting room, but he’s clearly unable to contain it any longer.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ he says. ‘It’s all my fault.’

  ‘No it’s not,’ I say, bewildered, hugging Theo’s sturdy little body to me.

  ‘Yes, it is,’ he insists. ‘I should never have gone out. It was Will’s news, wasn’t it? That was the trigger. Or did something else happen?’

  I dart a look at Chloe, and then put a finger to my lips, before transferring Theo onto my hip, to take his hat off and unzip him. ‘Did you have fun with Daddy and Theo, Clo?’ I ask. ‘Where have you all been?’

  ‘For a babychino,’ Chloe begins. ‘Daddy said I could have a—’

  ‘Sally!’ Matthew steps forward in desperation, interrupting her. ‘Please! Talk to me! You need to—’

  ‘Hello, Chloe!’ Thankfully Caroline appears in the sitting-room doorway, before he can continue. ‘Did I just hear you say you’ve been for a babychino? What fun! Come and tell me what you had with it; a cake, I bet, or was it a cookie? Shall I take Theo for a moment too?’ She glances between us, concerned, and holds out her arms.

  I don’t want to let go of Theo for a second, but she’s right – the kids shouldn’t see any of this. Reluctantly, I let her take him. ‘Thank you, Caroline.’

  I wait until they have all disappeared into the sitting room, and closed the door. Matthew and I stand opposite each other in the hallway.

  ‘I really am so sorry,’ he says again, and to my horror, his eyes begin to fill with tears. I have never seen Matthew cry before. ‘I’ve let you down so badly, Sally. I’ve behaved like a child. Yesterday, when you were gone, I’ve never been so frightened… I thought I was going to lose everything… I knew you’d been thinking about leaving me – after what I saw on your phone. So when I discovered you were missing, I—’

  ‘Sorry, what did you see on my phone?’ I’m completely bewildered.

  He reaches for a tissue from his pocket to blow his nose. ‘When you gave me your mobile to look for the takeaway menu, the last page you’d been on came up – the one with all of the stuff about divorce on it? “Is divorce bad for children”; “The true cost to children of marriage break-ups”.’

  My mouth falls open. ‘No, no! You’ve got it all wrong! I was messing about online. I googled the effect of small children on marriage. I wasn’t researching divorce options behind your back. Oh, Matthew! You must have been devastated. Why didn’t you just ask me about it?’

  He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. ‘I’ve been trying to talk to you for a while. The last time I did, you told me if I wasn’t happy, I should leave. I was too frightened to bring it up again after what I saw on your phone, in case you just said that was it, it was over. I know you. Once you’ve made up your mind about something, there’s no going back.’

  ‘I wasn’t going to leave you!’

  ‘Well, that’s what I thought had happened when I discovered you’d gone – especially when we realized the money had vanished too. But then I found your phone and I knew something was very wrong, so we called the police. When they said where you were, and what you’d gone there to do…’ His voice breaks.

  ‘Sorry, I don’t understand. What money is this?’

  He looks up at me again. ‘It’s OK, Sal. It’s not important. Trust me, I don’t care what you’ve done with it as long as you’re safe. I’m just so ashamed that I haven’t given you enough support, that I didn’t appreciate how stressed you’ve become, and—’

  ‘Matthew, I have no idea what money you’re talking about!’

  He gives me a strange look. ‘Mum’s holdall, under the stairs? You didn’t take it?’

  ‘No. It had cash in it? How much?’

  He pauses, swallows nervously, and says, ‘All of it. Everything we have. Sixty-five thousand pounds
.’

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  ‘You’re not serious?’ I say slowly.

  He’s not laughing. ‘You really don’t know what’s happened to it?’

  I gasp. ‘What on earth was all of our money doing in a bag under the stairs?’

  ‘You can tell me, Sally,’ he insists. ‘It’s OK.’

  ‘I didn’t take the money!’ I raise my voice, frightened.

  He looks concerned and gets to his feet. ‘Sweetheart, calm down,’ he says. ‘I don’t want to make you upset. Please, I want to help you, I—’

  The sitting-room door opens, and Caroline and my mother appear. ‘Is everything OK?’ Mum says anxiously.

  ‘I’ve just told Sally about the bag going missing.’ Matthew looks at his mother.

  ‘Ah,’ she says, as if she’s been expecting this. She straightens up a little, as if preparing herself for the firing line. ‘It’s entirely my fault, Sally, Matthew isn’t to blame. About two weeks ago, I approached Matthew and asked him if I could temporarily borrow the money that you made from your flat sale. I was aware you had a large sum in the bank, ready for your building work to begin. I wanted to use it to bail out a small, but vitally important, women’s refuge that was being forced out of their building by a developer attempting to buy the property from under them. We had a very tight window in which to come up with a counter bid. I had some assets that I wanted to gift the refuge, which would have covered it, but the property owner refused. He wanted cash. So, I put a large stake up myself, and asked Matthew if I could have the sixty-five thousand of your money to make up the rest. I promised him I’d pay you back as soon as I could.’

  ‘You said yes without discussing it with me?’ I turn to Matthew incredulously.

  ‘I asked him not to involve you,’ Caroline says. ‘I was worried that you might, understandably, persuade him not to lend me the money, and I couldn’t take that risk. It was so important I got it, Sally. There were women with children, they had literally nowhere to go… But they are all safe now, and that’s thanks to you and Matthew. I had the money with me, in full, when I arrived last night, to return to Matthew.’

  ‘Obviously I meant to take the bag out from under the stairs and put it in Mum’s room, like she asked me,’ Matthew continues, ‘but by the time I got around to it, Theo was down, and I was worried about clunking around and waking him up, you’d already got stressed about me dragging the bin up the drive – that’s not me having a go, by the way,’ he adds quickly. ‘Anyway, I was going to take it to the bank today, but…’ he trails off.

  ‘It had to be cash that I gave you back, otherwise there’d have been a tax implication, you see, on the assets I’d liquidated,’ Caroline explains.

  ‘So, do you have it?’ Matthew asks me. ‘It’s OK if you took it, Sally. Like I said, the most important thing is that you’re safe.’

  My mouth gaping slightly, it’s my turn to sink to the floor, overwhelmed, as I just look up at them both.

  ‘Did someone steal it from you?’ Matthew crouches down desperately and takes my hand. ‘Did that make you panic, and is that why you decided to—’

  ‘Matthew,’ interjects Caroline, ‘perhaps now isn’t the right time for this. Sally has literally just got back, and in view of what she’s been through, I think we should save this conversation for later.’

  I try to compose myself. ‘I had four hundred pounds on me to pay the taxi with. If you’re saying there was a load of money under the stairs, I suppose it must have come from there, but I don’t know that for sure. I certainly don’t remember taking it.’ I put my head in my hands. ‘That can’t be right, though. If I only took four hundred pounds, where’s the rest of it gone? There’s something else strange too.’ I reach into my pocket and pull out the so-called suicide letter, and pass it over to Matthew. ‘See? It’s the note I put on your desk after we had the row about the pasta. How did that get into my coat?’

  He scans it, and then looks up at me uneasily. ‘Sal, I’ve never seen this before.’

  I feel like I’m falling down the rabbit hole. There is a long, uncomfortable pause. ‘Yes you have,’ I try again. ‘I wrote it while you were taking Chloe to school.’

  ‘But, I would have said something to you if I’d read it. I wouldn’t have just ignored it.’

  I hesitate. I did think it was a bit off that he’d said literally nothing. ‘You really didn’t see this?’ I squint up at him, confused.

  ‘I don’t understand, why you were writing me a note in the first place?’ he asks gently. ‘Why didn’t you just wait until I’d got back and discuss it then? You don’t usually not say something, if it’s on your mind.’

  ‘You said you didn’t want to talk about it, that’s why.’ I stare at the letter and my own handwriting in confusion. I feel as if I’m going mad. I did write it for him – and I found it on his floor, I’m sure of it.

  ‘Let’s get you upstairs and into bed.’ Mum comes over and puts her arms under mine, and helps lift me to my feet. ‘You’re very clearly exhausted, and are obviously in no fit state to be talking. As Caroline’s pointed out, the money just doesn’t matter right now, and no one thinks you had anything to do with it disappearing.’ She glares warningly at Matthew.

  ‘I’m not going crazy, Matthew, I promise you,’ I say urgently. ‘This is just… bizarre, and really scary, actually.’

  ‘I’ll replace the money again anyway,’ Caroline says suddenly. ‘If I hadn’t have asked to borrow it, we wouldn’t even be having this discussion now. The fact that it has gone missing is therefore really my responsibility. The money was – after all – lent to me in good faith. I was also very wrong to ask Matthew not to discuss it with you, Sally. You’re his wife, and of course he should have talked to you. I was blinded by what I considered to be the importance of what I was going to do with the cash, but that doesn’t make it acceptable. I’m very sorry indeed. This time, there won’t be any confusion at all. Once I’ve organized the funds, I’ll transfer the money directly into your account. Any tax liability is my problem. Please don’t give any of it a second thought. Your mother is right, it’s far more important that we focus on you right now. Why don’t you have a little rest for a bit? You look exhausted.’

  ‘I’m OK, thank you, though. I just want to go and be with the children.’

  ‘But isn’t that part of the problem?’ Matthew says. ‘You’re with them all the time. You haven’t had a break in God knows how long. Everyone’s here, we can look after Chloe and Theo. Go and rest.’

  ‘That’s kind of you,’ I say, ‘but I really want to be with them.’

  ‘Don’t get agitated, please, sweetheart,’ Mum pleads. ‘No one’s saying you can’t go and sit with them. We’re worried about you, that’s all. Come on then, let’s go through.’

  I don’t say anything, not trusting myself to speak, and we all head into the sitting room.

  If truth be told, I’m worried about me too.

  I sit with the kids while they have tea, just as I would normally, although I’ve let Mum do the cooking. Caroline respectfully defers to Mum – which I am grateful for – and takes herself off into the sitting room to watch some rugby on TV with Matthew and Dad. I feed Theo, and Mum busies about in a deft flurry of oven gloves and baking trays. Chloe is clearly delighted to have everyone here, chatting away happily about what she did in ballet, and the massive dive she did off the side at swimming. If it wasn’t for the fact that this morning I woke up in the back of a car at the other end of the country in my pyjamas, to a stranger demanding £400, it would be a very nice Saturday afternoon.

  I smile at Theo as I spoon the mashed potato, pureed carrot and broccoli that Mum has effortlessly produced into his hungry baby bird mouth, while trying to hide my shaking hands. I’m making a huge effort to appear calm, but I feel ill with anxiety and confusion; there’s an actual tight ball of tension in my stomach. Are they right? Did I really do all of this myself?

  ‘You’re doing very well, best littl
e boy!’ I turn to Chloe, who is sitting next to me. ‘And you’re doing very well too, best little girl.’

  ‘Best big girl,’ she corrects me, while still looking pleased.

  ‘Sorry.’ I plant a kiss on her head, before turning back to Theo and supressing a yawn determinedly. I’m physically exhausted, but they must see me coping, being normal. I’ve noticed that they haven’t left me alone with Chloe or Theo for a single minute since I’ve been back. Are they still worried that I’m a danger to myself?

  ‘Who else knows about last night?’ I ask, trying to keep my voice casual.

  Mum stiffens – she’s bent over the washing-up bowl, scrubbing the big saucepan within an inch of its life.

  ‘Well, your brother and Kelly, of course. Will is very upset. It was all I could do to stop him from coming over here to wait for you to get back. He’s worried that he’s responsible for what’s happened, because of what he told you last night.’

  That really is crazy. ‘Mum! I’m far from his fiancée’s biggest fan, but I’d hardly respond in such a dramatic way.’ I try to stay oblique in front of Chloe.

  ‘He means was it the straw that broke the camel’s back, I think.’

  ‘Oh, I see.’ I fall silent for a moment. ‘Did Kelly tell you all that she and I had a heated exchange of words just before she left here?’

  Mum stops scrubbing and turns around. ‘No. What happened?’

  ‘Who are you talking about?’ Chloe looks up curiously, realizing that something interesting is going on.

  ‘Uncle Will, sweetheart,’ Mum says. ‘He’s getting married and he wants you to be a bridesmaid! Isn’t that fun?’

  ‘I need a poo,’ says Chloe.

  ‘OK, off you go.’ I pull back her chair, so she can get down. ‘But come straight back because you’re halfway through tea. It was when Kelly was here on her own,’ I continue, as Chloe scampers off. ‘The last thing she said to me was if I wanted a fight with her, I’d got one. She’d come back to get her phone, which, actually, I remember thinking at the time was weird. She’s usually surgically attached to it. Theo woke up and I left her downstairs on her own. Oh my God!’ Something suddenly occurs to me. ‘She’d been in the cupboard under the stairs earlier, because her heel snapped and I lent her some boots!’