Everything You Told Me

by Lucy Dawson

  ‘I don’t want you to give these tests a second thought, Mum, especially the CT one.’ I reach out for her hand. ‘I’m sure they’re going to come back completely negative.’

  ‘You don’t have to try and protect me, Sally,’ she says. ‘We’ll deal with everything if we have to. Now, are you sure I can’t get you anything before you go to sleep?’

  ‘Knock, knock!’ My door opens gently and Caroline appears. ‘Can I come in?’ She tiptoes over and sinks down onto the edge of the bed. My phone buzzes as she does, and I reach out and turn it off.

  ‘People you haven’t seen in years messaging to tell you they saw you in the paper today?’ Caroline nods at it.

  ‘Some of them, yes,’ I say flatly. ‘Others are just concerned friends, that sort of thing.’

  ‘I’d keep it turned off if I were you. Very wise.’

  I glance over at Mum. ‘I think I would like that tea, actually, if that’s OK?’

  She nods, visibly relieved to have something practical to do. ‘I’ll be right back.’

  I wait until I’m sure she’s gone downstairs, before turning to face Caroline.

  ‘You know when you and I talked this morning, before the doctors? Do you really believe I’m not ill?’

  ‘I don’t think there is anything physically wrong with you, no.’

  ‘That means if you’re right, I still have no answer for why I can’t remember anything about Friday night, and what was responsible for making me black out. As soon as I start thinking about that, I can’t let go of why that note was in my pocket, and why my phone had been deliberately cleared, as if someone had wanted it to look like I was intending to kill myself. I’ve already told you I think that person is Kelly, and now she’s set up those humiliating pictures of me on purpose. I also know she swapped her engagement ring for something substantially more expensive after your money went missing, and you’d already warned me to be on my guard around her. Kelly herself told me if I wanted a fight, I’d got one. Every part of me is screaming that something is really, badly wrong, and I need to do something to stop her, but…’ I pause for breath, exhausted. ‘The fact that you could help me, by telling everyone about her – but you won’t – is making me worry that I might actually have some sort of warped obsession with Kelly; that I could be suffering from some sort of paranoia. It doesn’t feel like I am, but then I suppose it wouldn’t, would it? Essentially, I don’t know if I can trust myself any more, and it’s terrifying me.’

  ‘Are you asking me to make that call for you?’

  I hesitate. ‘Does it sound completely insane to suggest Kelly could have done something to me that might have made me lose my memory?’

  ‘You mean like give you a drug of some sort?’

  ‘Yes.’ I look at Caroline, frightened.

  To my enormous relief she doesn’t shrink back from me, or look at me as if I’ve just said something impossibly far-fetched. Rather, she says quietly, ‘There are several sedative drugs that can cause memory loss, yes.’

  My eyes widen, but I say nothing, just wait for her to continue.

  ‘It’s incredible, really – they’re available on prescription for the treatment of insomnia or anxiety, and yet their effects are so potent they’re being widely abused in far more sinister ways; mainly in the form of drink spiking, leading to date rapes – or thefts.’

  ‘So if they’re available on prescription, presumably someone could have them with them at all times, quite legally?’

  ‘Yes.’ She nods. ‘As long as they’ve been obtained through a prescription. The reason perpetrators usually get away with using them for criminal purposes is that some sedatives can leave the body after as little as twelve hours, so it’s virtually impossible to prove the drug was ever administered in the first place.’

  ‘Kelly was alone with my champagne,’ I say. ‘When we were about to toast their engagement, I left the room to listen for Theo, and Will came after me. She definitely had long enough on her own to put something in my drink. But wouldn’t I have tasted something was wrong with it?’

  Caroline shakes her head. ‘One of the other controversial things about these sedatives is they don’t always have an unusual taste or smell. Do you remember that sleeping pill I left in the bathroom for you? The Zopiclone? It leaves a metallic taste in your mouth, so it’s unmistakable if you’ve taken it. Flunitrazepam was reformulated too, so that when it’s dissolved in liquid, the drink turns blue, but the old pills are still widely available. You’d be more familiar with it as Rohypnol – it’s the date rape drug. That’s usually only prescribed by psychiatrists, though, because it’s not on something called a formulary, which is a list of stipulations like cost, or a need for specialist guidance, which govern what GPs can prescribe.’

  ‘So if Kelly was still seeing a psychiatrist, she might be on it? What’s it used for?’

  ‘It’s used medically as a sleeping pill. It’s about seven times stronger than Valium, and in fact it’s usually prescribed in situations where Valium has ceased to have an effect on the patient because they’ve developed a tolerance to it – perhaps as a result of addiction.’

  ‘If you accessed her medical records, would you be able to see if she was taking it?’

  Caroline says carefully, ‘I know that is, of course, a hypothetical question and not a request. If I had access to her records, yes, that sort of detail would be documented. However, there’s no national database of records. The government has just wasted billions of pounds trying to implement one, and it doesn’t work. So I’d have to be employed at the practice treating her to have access to that information. Even if I was, it would be highly unethical to do something like that. I’m not saying it doesn’t ever happen, but it’s something most health care professionals wouldn’t dream of doing.’ She pauses, and then says urgently, ‘I can’t even tell you how much I regret our conversation on Friday night, Sally. I should have kept my fears to myself. But please, please try to remember that I would never let anything happen to Chloe and Theo. Equally, all patients have a right to rehabilitation, and we have no proof that Kelly did anything to you on Friday night.’

  ‘Well, couldn’t you at least just tell the others what you told me about her, so they have the opportunity to make their minds up for themselves? And then they also won’t just think this is about me going mad?’

  ‘But, my darling girl, we’ve been over this already too. I only discussed anything with you at all in the context of protecting the children, because they can’t protect themselves. Adults can, and there is no need for anyone to be told anything. Breaching patient confidentiality in that manner would mean the end of my career, but you know, I’d actually do it in a heartbeat if I thought there was any real risk to the children, only I don’t! So in fact, sacrificing myself wouldn’t achieve anything anyway. If a patient tells me himself, during a session, something like he intends to stab someone, then yes, of course I can tell the police – I’m supposed to tell them – but that’s not what has happened here. I actually only have your word for all of this, with no evidence of Kelly’s alleged wrongdoing whatsoever. You asked me to make this call for you, and here is what I think: stop pursuing Kelly now, because you have nothing to gain from going down this road, and everything to lose.’

  I draw back from her slightly. ‘What do you mean? What will I lose?’

  ‘The police told your husband and the rest of your family that you were rescued by a passer-by in the early hours of Saturday morning, distressed and walking towards a cliff edge. Your best friend then told Matthew this was not your first suicide attempt. There is no reason for everyone not to believe these separate, credible sources. Sometimes, what appears to have happened can be just as powerful as something actually happening. Your predicament is a perfect example of the whole being greater than the sum of its parts. It’s all about perception. Your parents and Matthew are already terrified you are unstable, and even believe you might be physically ill. How is it going to appear to them if you ann
ounce baldly that Kelly – who they are all aware you dislike immensely – drugged you and stole a significant sum of money from your house? Do you think they, or your brother, will believe you? Or will they think these are the protestations of an increasingly paranoid and mentally ill young woman, who perhaps ought not to be left in charge of her children any more, as she doesn’t appear to be safe around them… Not when she doesn’t have a shred of evidence to support her wild claims. Because you don’t, Sally,’ she reminds me gently. ‘You really don’t, and that’s the insurmountable problem here. Can you really not see where your behaviour is leading, if you keep this up?’

  ‘So back me up!’ I exclaim, scared. ‘They’ll believe me if you tell them everything you know about Kelly.’

  ‘Sal, we’re just going around in circles here.’ Caroline closes her eyes, as if she’s trying to muster strength. ‘For the last time, you’re asking me to make a gross breach of my duty of reasonable care. I’d be reported to the General Medical Council and probably struck off – and that’s just the professional rather than personal recriminations. I’ve already compromised myself enough by making such a huge mistake on Friday. You just told me you’re not sure if you can trust your own judgement, and I think you’re right to be worried.’

  ‘You don’t believe Kelly is responsible for what happened on Friday night, then?’

  Caroline looks at me steadily. ‘The person’s behaviour I’m really concerned about at the moment is yours. Try, please, to let this go – for Theo and Chloe’s sake. They need you. Don’t give your parents or Matthew more ammunition than they already have.’

  ‘Has Kelly already contacted you, and you just haven’t told me?’ I realize aloud. ‘What did she say? Did she threaten you too? Is that why you won’t help me?’

  ‘OK, I think we have to stop talking about this now, Sally.’

  ‘What if we go to the hospital immediately? Perhaps some of whatever she gave me is still in my system. They can do tests. I know you said that date-rape drug can’t be found after twelve hours, but it might have been something else, and not that.’

  ‘Sally, almost all drugs leave the body after seventy-two hours. If you ingested something on Friday night and it’s Monday evening now, there’s not a single hospital test that’s going to be able to find anything. We have to stop this now.’

  ‘Well, what side effects would I have had, if she’d given me a sedative of some kind?’ I persist doggedly.

  She sighs heavily. ‘There are numerous side effects: nausea, paranoia, a loss of balance, hallucinations, visual problems, but—’

  ‘That’s almost exactly how I felt when I woke up in the taxi.’

  ‘I’m not saying it wasn’t, but…’ She shrugs helplessly. ‘The taxi driver didn’t give you a receipt, or a card that would mean he could be traced?’

  ‘No. He couldn’t get me out of the car fast enough – all he wanted was his money. I was completely disorientated, it never occurred to me to get the number plate. It wasn’t a marked car either, just a minicab, and he sounded foreign.’

  ‘And the man who rescued you? He didn’t see the taxi?’

  I shake my head. ‘He arrived after the cab had gone.’

  ‘So you have no proof. At all. You cannot force your family to accept Kelly did this to you. You have to move on from this, Sally, for your own sake.’

  ‘Even if I believe I was abducted from my own home? I’m supposed to just watch the person responsible marry my brother, knowing that he could then be at risk – never mind letting him think it’s OK to have children with her? And do I then also have to distance myself completely from him to be sure I’m still protecting Theo and Chloe? Or do I keep Will and Kelly as part of our lives, but permanently walk on eggshells in case I enrage her again?’

  ‘Only you can decide how best to go forward from this,’ Caroline says quietly. ‘I’m so sorry for you, Sally. As I said to you on Friday night before all of this unfolded, there is no greater threat to the happiness of a family unit than when an outsider is brought into the mix. Over the course of my career, I have seen families – who would have never believed for a second that they would find themselves not talking to each other – collapse completely, all because someone’s new partner has altered the dynamic. It’s not always the fault of the interloper, either.’ She shifts position. ‘A colleague of mine – a woman who should have known far better – made the life of her future son-in-law absolute hell. He was a lovely boy, but it wouldn’t have mattered if he’d been the archangel Gabriel, she’d have found something wrong with him. No one was good enough for her daughter, that’s what she said.’ Caroline shakes her head. ‘But here, of course, that’s not the case. I understand how this news about Will marrying Kelly has made you feel, but Kelly isn’t going anywhere, and in actuality, I do think it would perhaps be beneficial if you distanced yourself from Will a little. At least temporarily.’

  I fall back onto the pillows miserably. ‘I wish some stranger in a car would just take Kelly away. Somewhere where she’d never be able to bother any of us again.’

  Caroline hesitates. ‘I know you don’t mean that, Sally.’

  ‘Yes, I do.’ I lift my exhausted eyes and look at her. ‘I’d do anything to have her out of our lives.’

  ‘I’m going to say it again – I don’t believe you mean that,’ she says deliberately. ‘You wouldn’t, for example, want to cause Kelly actual harm, would you? I’d like to be certain that you understand the difference between a verbal threat and actually presenting a clear danger to Kelly. You don’t feel you want to get her back for what she’s done to you tonight, for example? Earlier on you said she needed to be stopped. What exactly did you mean by that?’

  ‘I was asking for your help. I wanted you to stop her by telling everyone what you told me, but I understand now why that can’t happen. Don’t worry, Caroline – I’m not going to hurt Kelly. I think I’d like to try and get some sleep now,’ I whisper. ‘Would you tell my mum I don’t want that tea after all?’

  ‘Of course.’ She looks relieved, and gets up. ‘I hope you manage to get some rest, and that the path you’re going to choose to go down seems clearer in the morning.’

  She reaches out, squeezes my hand, and makes her way out, quietly closing the door after her.

  I reach for my phone, switch it back on, and call up the pictures again. There I am with my nightie gaping over my saggy boobs and bulging tummy… holding the stick… I shut my eyes. They are out there now, being seen by everyone that matters to me and some that shouldn’t, but do – to say nothing of being idle fodder for the prying eyes of complete strangers. I look mad. I gather the duvet around me miserably. Of course Kelly did this deliberately. I don’t understand how I am the only person that can see it.

  But if no one else is going to help me, I have no choice but to address this myself. Will must understand what kind of woman his future wife is, before it’s too late and she’s in our lives – my children’s lives – for ever.

  I simply can’t stand back and let it happen. I know I’m right about Kelly, and tomorrow, I’m going to put a stop to all of this, once and for all.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  ‘Chloe went off to school very happily this morning,’ Mum remarks, cuddling Theo to her, as I take a mouthful of coffee while we sit at the kitchen table.

  ‘You’ve done so well to keep things completely normal for her, Sally,’ Dad says, wiping down the draining board before hanging the tea towel carefully over the oven door. ‘You should be very proud of yourself.’

  ‘Thanks, Dad.’

  ‘So,’ Mum continues brightly, ‘have you decided what you’re doing yet? Are you coming back with us, or is Caroline going to stay here?’

  ‘I’m coming back with you, if that’s OK?’ I drain my mug and set it down.

  ‘Oh, I am pleased!’ Mum exclaims.

  ‘But I haven’t told Matthew yet, so can you keep it under your hat? You weren’t going to leave until after lunch an
yway, were you?’

  ‘We can do whatever is easiest,’ Mum says instantly, starting to bounce Theo on her knee and then clap his hands, much to his delight.

  ‘OK, well I was thinking that if you leave about two-ish, you could maybe set up the kids’ bedrooms, so then if Matthew drives us up after tea, when we get there, I can just put them straight to bed.’

  ‘Of course. In fact, their rooms are already set up,’ Mum admits. ‘I did them quickly before we left on Saturday, in case…’ She trails off and I don’t think any of us really want to pursue whatever the end of that sentence was.

  ‘Well, that’s perfect then,’ I say quickly. ‘Matthew can work at yours tomorrow and drive back here after supper. Then come back and get us on Sunday or something.’

  ‘We’ll work it all out.’ Mum waves a hand. ‘Do you want me to help you pack?’

  I shake my head. ‘No thanks, but I do need to ask you a pretty big favour.’ I clear my throat. ‘Would you look after Theo for me this morning? I want to pop out.’

  ‘Oh yes?’ Mum says easily, not missing a beat. ‘Pop out to where, love?’

  ‘I want to go and see Liv. We’ve had a bit of a falling out since Friday.’

  ‘Why’s that then?’

  ‘She’s really angry with me, because of what she thought I was trying to do. She’s desperate for another baby, and she can’t wrap her head around how I could have been planning to leave Chloe and Theo. I want to sort everything out with her properly before I come up to yours. It’s not good to let these things fester. She only lives about half an hour away. I’ll be back by two at the latest.’

  Mum opens her mouth to protest again. ‘But you’ve got a three-hour journey ahead of you, and we need to sort—’