Everything You Told Me

by Lucy Dawson

  ‘Hayley from school, Hayley?’ I ask weakly.

  ‘Yeah. It’s shocking, isn’t it, the way they just print lies like that? Kelly must be fuming! I can’t believe she and Will are actually getting married, by the way. How do you feel about it? Do you still hate her? Are they going to do Hello!? I so would if I were them.’

  ‘I don’t know, really, Mel. We haven’t discussed it yet.’

  ‘No, I don’t suppose you have, given what’s happened. On the plus side, love, at least all your bits and pieces were covered. I’d have been hanging out all over the shop. So, is Chloe going to be a bridesmaid? That’ll be so cute!’

  ‘Yes, she is.’

  ‘Ahh. Grand!’ She looks delighted. ‘I know what I was going to ask you. It obviously all happened first thing in the morning, because you hadn’t got your face on, and I said to Ed, she doesn’t leave the house without at least her mascara, but why were you holding a stick in the pictures?’

  ‘I was holding it for Kelly. She was having some balance issues.’

  ‘Oh really?’ She looks interested. ‘What, like an ear infection or labyrinthitis? I get that sometimes.’

  ‘Mel, is everyone talking about the photos?’

  ‘What, from here, you mean? Everyone from home?’

  ‘Yes.’ I wait hopefully. Maybe it’s already old news.

  ‘Yeah, they are’ she says regretfully. ‘I can’t lie. You know what it’s like here, Sal, there’s bugger all else going on. Mostly people have been asking if you’re all right, like,’ she taps the side of her head, ‘up here and that. But don’t worry,’ she adds hastily, catching sight of my expression. ‘It’s because they’re just gutted for you and worried, that’s all. It’s not about everyone being nosy and gossiping.’

  ‘So everyone thinks I’ve gone mad?’

  She wrinkles her nose. ‘Not mad, no… just… a bit fucked-up. Everyone knows you’ve got a new baby and how hard that is. They care, that’s all. People want to help. I did hear one funny thing, though. Hannah Davies said Christine Newly told her you did a bunk to Cornwall and the police picked you up in your underwear on a clifftop and had to take you home.’ She giggles.

  ‘It was my pyjamas – and I hadn’t done a bunk.’

  Mel’s jaw drops. ‘It’s true?’

  ‘Who told Christine? Do you know?’

  ‘Um…’ She’s staring at me, momentarily lost for words.

  ‘It’ll be my mother somehow, won’t it?’ I shake my head. ‘Telling someone she thinks she can trust.’

  ‘What were you doing on a cliff in Cornwall in your pyjamas?’ Mel asks, confused.

  I take a deep breath, as I prepare to explain for the umpteenth time. ‘I woke up in the back of a taxi on the clifftop. I don’t know how or why I got there.’

  She frowns. ‘Were you pissed?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Did someone spike your drink? That happened to Ed’s sister’s friend in a club in Newcastle. She was chatting to this bloke, and next minute she woke up back at her house. She literally had no idea how she got home.’

  ‘You believe me?’ I exclaim in surprise.

  ‘Of course.’ She looks thrown. ‘Why wouldn’t I?’

  ‘Because nobody else does. Not even Matthew. Everyone thinks I was going to commit suicide.’

  ‘What?’ She laughs, then her face falls as she realizes I’m serious. ‘That’s crazy! You’d never do a thing like that! Ever since I’ve known you you’ve wanted the husband, kids, good job, nice house. You’ve got it all. Why would you throw it away? I mean, I know some people get depressed anyway, and that sort of stuff stops mattering to them, but I only saw you two weeks ago! You were fine. Knackered, but fine. You were just the same as always.’

  It’s so reassuring to hear someone talk about me – and to me – so normally, that I discover I’m near to tears. ‘Thanks, Mel.’

  ‘Hey,’ she says, noticing instantly. ‘Don’t cry, pet!’ She slips off the sofa, comes and kneels on the carpet next to me, and takes my hand. ‘I don’t understand,’ she continues, genuinely puzzled. ‘Why doesn’t anyone believe you? Hasn’t Matthew ever seen the news? Women get their drinks spiked all the time. You can’t leave them unattended anywhere, not even for a second.’

  ‘The thing is, I wasn’t out when this happened, Mel. I was wearing pyjamas, remember? I went to bed at home, just like I always do – then I woke up in Cornwall the next morning.’

  There’s a long pause.

  ‘OK, yeah, that is a bit weird,’ she admits. ‘In fact, that’s really weird.’

  I falter. I’m desperate to trust her; to tell her everything. She’s known me for ever – and perhaps some advice from someone outside the situation is just what I need. Mel likes a bit of gossip as much as the next person – in fact, most of my local news comes via her rather than Mum – but once she understands how serious this is…

  ‘I know you only have a few minutes,’ I say desperately, ‘but can I ask your opinion on something?’

  ‘Of course,’ she says immediately, and sits down properly. ‘I’m all ears. Go for it.’

  ‘So do you believe Kelly had nothing to do with what happened to me, or do you think she’s lying?’ I conclude, some five minutes later.

  ‘Bloody hell!’ Mel exhales slowly, gets up from the carpet, and sits back on the sofa, stunned. ‘Well, I can see why you’re stressed now.’ She pauses. ‘On the one hand, that’s tragic about Kelly’s mum, and I can see why her thinking you were pulling some sort of attention-seeking stunt would have big time pushed buttons for her – and she was pissed about the whole ring thing too – but does that also make her guilty of everything else? I just don’t know. On the other hand, she’s a professional actress, and she seems to be going out of her way to deliberately warp your own family’s perception of you while behaving really deviously. Setting up those photos of you was just plain unnecessary. Plus, of course, Caroline had already warned you not to get on her bad side.’ She considers everything, then continues, ‘And, like you, I can’t help but think it’s pushing it a bit to believe that she and her brother and sister wouldn’t have found all of that money from their dad straight away after he died… Although it’s possible, I suppose. It is weird that she didn’t tell Will about it until now, though. Or just unlucky. Ah shit – I honestly don’t know, Sal.’

  ‘It’s not just me, is it?’ I ask. ‘It all seems to point to her, but she outright flat denied it when I confronted her.’

  ‘Well, she would, really, wouldn’t she?’

  ‘I suppose so.’ I rub my eyes wearily. ‘I said to my mother-in-law last night, I wish she’d just… disappear.’

  ‘I completely understand that,’ Mel says.

  ‘No, you don’t,’ I say miserably. ‘I want more than anything to get her out of our lives. Caroline told me she was dangerous. How do I trust her around my kids? And I can already see that she’s turning Will against me. Even my mum is completely taken in. She’s going to wreck our family, I know it.’ Tears well up in my eyes again as Mel sits there helplessly. ‘Sorry,’ I whisper, wiping them away.

  ‘You don’t have to apologize. I just wish there was something I could do.’

  ‘Me too!’ I try to smile. ‘I’ll be all right in a second. I’m just very tired. You know how it is, it always makes things seem worse, I think.’

  She nods. ‘Definitely. Look, Sal, I’m really sorry to have to do this, but Nan’s going to do her nut. I’m going to have to go. How long are you back for?’

  ‘Going home on Saturday, I think.’

  ‘OK. Could I come and see you tomorrow? I’m working later today.’

  ‘Of course. Thanks for listening.’ We get to our feet. ‘Mel, I know I don’t need to say this, but…’

  She smiles briefly. ‘No, you don’t. I won’t say a thing. Don’t worry.’

  Nonetheless, as I close the front door behind her, my temporary sense of relief at being able to confide in someone drains away and I experien
ce such an ominous sinking feeling, I have to lean on the door briefly with my eyes shut.

  ‘Fuck it!’ I say aloud, furious with myself, only to jump as the bell goes again. Mel must have forgotten something in her haste to get going. As I start to throw the latch back, I hear Theo give a sudden shout upstairs, and frustrated tears fill my eyes again.

  An absolutely enormous bunch of flowers greets me. ‘Sally?’ says the delivery man holding them.

  ‘Yes.’ I stare at the mixture of tulips, gerbera and lilies as I wipe my eyes. ‘Sorry.’ I reach out for them. ‘I don’t mean to be crying. You just need me to sign something, I expect?’

  ‘No. Er, Sally, it’s me?’ he says, embarrassed.

  I look up quickly at the stranger standing in front of me, and yet, as I stare at him, I realize there is a familiarity to his features – the eyes especially – and then I see it immediately, and gasp at the twenty-year-old boy staring out of the middle-aged man’s face.

  ‘Joe?’

  He smiles hesitantly. ‘Hi.’

  ‘What on earth are you doing here?’ I stammer incredulously. It’s one thing to have had Liv drag Joe so pointedly back into my life last Saturday, when she told everyone what I did when he dumped me; it’s quite another to have him actually standing here in the flesh.

  A movement over Joe’s shoulder catches my eye and I look across to see Mel standing by her car, frantically waving at me, then pretending to actually pick her jaw off the floor, before mouthing ‘OMG!’ and making a furious phone shape with her hand, before leaping into her car and roaring off.

  Joe turns around to watch her careering off around the corner. ‘Was that Melanie Jackson?’ he asks. ‘I don’t think I’ve seen her since school.’

  ‘Yes, it was.’

  He turns back to face me and we just stare at each other in silence, before it’s punctuated by the indignant yell of Theo upstairs.

  ‘And…’ he begins slowly, ‘is that your baby I can hear?’

  ‘Yes, it is.’ I don’t appear capable of more than three words at a time.

  There’s another pause. ‘So… are you going to invite me in, and get your baby?’ He laughs suddenly, at what must be the expression on my face – a sound I haven’t heard in nearly twenty years.

  Completely dazed, I stand automatically to one side, he walks in, and I close the door behind him.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Joe is sitting on the sofa nearest the window when I come back in with Theo, who eyes him suspiciously as we sit down on Dad’s chair.

  ‘Ah!’ Joe says. ‘She’s cute. What’s her name?’

  ‘Theo.’

  ‘Oh, sorry.’ He pulls a face.

  ‘It’s OK, it’s my fault for dressing him in his big sister’s flowery babygrows. He doesn’t wear them out, obviously, just to sleep in,’ I explain unnecessarily.

  ‘Sure.’ He nods understandingly. ‘It makes sense, after all; they’re out of them so quickly, aren’t they?’

  ‘You’ve got two boys, I think?’ I say politely.

  He looks slightly surprised. ‘Yes, I have.’

  ‘Mum keeps me up to date with all the local news,’ I explain quickly. ‘So you must be here visiting your mum and dad. Last I heard you were in Plymouth?’

  ‘Portsmouth.’

  ‘Oh, right. Sorry.’

  We lapse into a brief and uncomfortable silence, which thankfully Theo breaks by starting to wave his arms around cheerfully, as Joe glances down at the flowers he’s rested on the carpet, suddenly appearing to wonder what on earth he’s doing here. I’m struggling to reconcile this grown man with the skinny twenty-year-old who has been fixed in my memory for so long. He’s dressed in middle-aged-dad dark blue jeans with smart black shoes, topped off with a tucked-in navy shirt: the off-duty uniform of the type of chap who works and plays hard, and still likes to try and stay fit, but doesn’t really have the time or energy any more. Then again, with my damp hair, low-cut black top that is embarrassingly gaping over my cleavage, and black leggings tucked into socks, I am hardly in a position to throw stones. In fact, I think of the two of us, the passage of time has probably been less kind to me. On the odd occasion I’ve idly wondered what it would be like to bump into Joe again, neither of us looked like this in my imagined scenario, that’s for sure.

  Joe clears his throat. ‘I’ve been at Mum and Dad’s for a couple of days, actually, and, well…’ He pauses. ‘I heard what happened in Cornwall and… saw the pictures.’

  I go very still and don’t say anything.

  ‘That is to say,’ he falters, and tries again, ‘I gather you’ve been having a tough time. A really tough time. And I wanted to come and see if you were all right, and to let you know I was thinking of you. That’s all. Mum told me you were back.’ He looks up at me earnestly. ‘But now I’m actually here, I can see I’m intruding. You’ve got things you need to be doing,’ he gestures helplessly at Theo, ‘and I’m probably the last person you want to talk to.’ He frowns suddenly. ‘Sorry, Sal, I should have thought this through. Look, I’ll go. This was horribly insensitive of me, I’m really very sorry.’

  Before I can say anything, I hear the front door bang, and Mum suddenly bursts into the sitting room, panting. ‘I’ve been ringing and ringing. Why aren’t you answering your— Oh!’ She draws up short and just stares at Joe. ‘Joe Ellis,’ she says, glancing first at me, then down at the flowers, then back up at Joe coolly. ‘Well, this is a surprise.’

  ‘Hello, Mrs Tanner,’ Joe says politely, getting to his feet. ‘It’s been a while.’

  ‘Yes, it has, hasn’t it? How are you, dear?’ She puts her head to one side sympathetically. ‘I gather your wife has just left you?’

  ‘Mum!’ I say, shocked.

  Joe flushes. ‘Um, yes, she has. Or asked me to leave, to be more precise.’

  ‘So you’re back living with your parents?’

  ‘For the time being.’

  ‘Ah, well that’ll be nice for your mother, I’m sure. It hasn’t affected your job then, being all the way across here?’

  ‘No,’ Joe says. ‘I can work remotely, so luckily that’s all fine.’

  ‘Oh, I am glad.’ Mum looks disappointed. ‘Now I’m going to have to be very bossy, I’m afraid, and remind Sally that we have to leave in about twenty minutes. We’re all going out to lunch, you see, Joe. We’ve got a bit of a drive to get there.’

  ‘Oh, of course. I’ll leave you to it.’ Joe reaches into his back pocket and fumbles for his car keys. ‘It was very nice to see you again, Mrs Tanner. Please do pass my best on to Mr Tanner. I hear he’s in rude health, which is great.’

  ‘Thank you.’ Mum smiles obliquely.

  ‘I’ll see you out.’ I get up and pass Theo to Mum. ‘Perhaps you can watch Theo while I go and get changed.’ I shoot her a look, which she innocently ignores.

  On the doorstep, Joe turns back. ‘It’s been nice to see you again.’

  ‘I’m sorry about that.’ I gesture over my shoulder, back towards where Mum is cheerfully chatting to Theo in the sitting room.

  ‘Not at all, it’s my fault turning up unannounced – just bad timing. I hope you have a good meal.’

  ‘No, I meant Mum being chippy with you.’

  He smiles sadly. ‘Oh, that. It’s OK. I deserved it. Mothers never forget.’

  ‘No,’ I admit. ‘They don’t. I’m sorry to hear about you and your wife, Joe.’

  ‘Yeah, me too.’ He squints down at the ground, and for a horrible moment, I think he’s going to cry, but then I realize he’s actually just lost for the words that might cover the enormity of it all, and his evident grief. ‘It was… complicated.’

  ‘You don’t have to tell me,’ I say quickly. ‘Not if you don’t want to.’

  ‘Sally!’ calls Mum from inside. ‘Theo needs you!’

  For God’s sake, Mum! ‘I’ll be there in a minute!’ I shout furiously back over my shoulder.

  ‘It’s all right, you go,’ Joe says. ‘I act
ually shouldn’t have come, Sal. I could see immediately what your mum thought, and it isn’t that, really it isn’t. When I heard what people were saying about you, it made me very angry, partly because there will always be a corner of my heart that has your name written on it.’ He smiles briefly. ‘But also because no one has the right to second-guess what’s going on in anyone else’s life. I’ve got two little boys, I know how challenging everything can be for a couple at the best of times.’ He shrugs. ‘It happened to my wife and me – we didn’t make it.’

  I feel really sad for him. ‘I wish there was something I could say.’

  ‘There is, actually.’ He looks up again. ‘I know it’s incredibly selfish, but I also wanted to tell you I was sorry. I never apologized properly for the way I treated you when we split up. I was an obnoxious little prick, and I let you down at the worst possible time, when your dad was so ill. I hope you can forgive me.’

  ‘Oh, come on! It was twenty-odd years ago!’ I begin awkwardly. ‘You don’t need to—’

  ‘Sally!’ There’s another firm shout from within the house.

  ‘Mum, I swear to God…’ I spin around and yell warningly, pausing for a second to make sure she’s got the message, before turning back to Joe.

  ‘No, I really do need to apologize,’ he says. ‘I’m not arrogant enough to assume that my appallingly cavalier behaviour had any lasting effect, I just very much regret hurting you at all – particularly in light of my own recent experiences – and I hope that if you are having some difficulties at the moment, they are short-lived, and the path becomes smoother again very soon.’

  I can’t help but smile. ‘You haven’t lost your charm, I see.’

  ‘Or my capacity for bullshit, depending on who you’re talking to,’ he says wryly, then looks appalled. ‘Not that I mean for one second what I just said was all a load of…’

  ‘Joe, please. It’s really fine,’ I say firmly, and it actually is. I reach a hand out to him. ‘Apology accepted.’

  He hesitates, and then takes my hand in his. We’d look ridiculous to anyone passing, two grown adults about a foot apart, hands clasped, but we just stand there for a second or two, locked in a brief moment where the past collides with the here and now, and may well be all we ever have again.