Everything You Told Me
Page 31
‘I’m so angry with him, Joe,’ I whisper suddenly.
‘I think that’s a very normal part of loss and grief,’ Joe says.
‘Yet I feel so guilty, too,’ I continue, not really listening. ‘If I hadn’t been running…’
‘Sorry, but that’s crap,’ Joe says bluntly. ‘It was an accident.’
‘But if I hadn’t called him and told him to come and get me—’
‘You’d had a hideous morning! Your first morning to yourself in months and you got a flat tyre, you needed to get back to the kids – of course you had to call Matthew to come and get you! That’s what husbands do. The good ones, at least.’
We need to change the subject. I can’t cope with this. ‘Anyway,’ I say purposefully, ‘are you all right? How was it seeing the boys?’
‘Lovely, although it broke my heart to leave them again. Kim had some news. She’s met someone, and he’s moving in with them. So that’s nice.’
‘Oh, Joe,’ I exclaim in dismay. ‘I’m so sorry. That’s rather… fast.’
‘Yes, I think it’s fair to say she’s moved on. Anyway, I told her I was happy for her, and actually that’s not a lie. I do want her to be happy. He seems nice, her new bloke – and the boys like him, at least, which is good… The bastard…’ he adds after a moment more, then smiles at me. ‘On the upside, I signed the lease on the house yesterday.’
‘That’s great,’ I say sincerely. ‘Congratulations.’
‘Thanks. It’s only a six-month let, but it means the kids can see me in my own home when they come up to visit, and my mum’s thrilled, obviously. We’ll see how it all goes. Have you made any decisions about buying yet?’
‘No. I think Chloe needs the stability of being at Mum and Dad’s for a bit longer now she’s starting school. It’s too much change, otherwise; she needs to anchor herself to something, and being at my parents’ will do that. I don’t want to be off the property ladder for long, though, so I reckon I’ll buy something after Christmas, I think. Somewhere close to the school.’ I take a deep breath at the thought of everything that’s to come… How different to the path I thought I’d taken. ‘Anyway, talking of being at Mum and Dad’s, I need to get back.’ I look at my watch. ‘Will and his wife are coming up later this evening and staying over. Chloe is hyper excited to see them in the morning. I’m kipping in with Theo tonight, though, so I’m less thrilled.’
‘I saw your new sister-in-law on TV yesterday,’ Joe muses. ‘She was playing some rookie vigilante cop with, what I suspect we will discover in episode two, a raging alcohol issue, that I think is going to put her career on the line.’
I grin and get to my feet. ‘She’s good, though, isn’t she? Thanks for the walk and the chat. You’re right, I do feel better for getting out for half an hour.’
‘You’re very welcome. Want me to escort you back?’
I shake my head gently. ‘No thanks.’
‘I think your mum would be cool with it.’ He looks up at me. ‘I promise not to try and kiss you on the doorstep or anything.’
‘Shut up, Joe.’ I smile at him.
‘At least not today, anyway.’
There’s a pause and suddenly Matthew is everywhere – I can hear him saying sceptically, ‘He just bought you flowers? He didn’t want anything else?’ I hear Matthew a lot, just as I see him in Theo’s smile and feel him with his arms around us when Chloe holds me tightly, tells me she loves me, and then makes me promise that I won’t die too. We miss him.
I miss him.
And yet I hate him too.
‘Night, Joe,’ I say lightly, and I turn and start the walk back down the coastal path from the top of the cliff towards the village and my parents’ house, where my children lie sleeping safely in their beds.
But halfway down, I pause and look out over the bay. The red sun is low in the sky – soon it will slip out of sight completely – but for now it is a beautiful sunset, over a calm sea. I hesitate, then slip my wedding ring from my finger. Suddenly, and with all my might, I hurl it towards the water, giving a gasp of surprise as I see it arc through the air and disappear over the edge. I hadn’t planned to do that. I had actually wondered if Chloe might want it one day. But given everything, it wouldn’t be right, surely? Not that she will ever know what really happened, of course.
I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone. I have listened to the recording hundreds of times since Matthew died, more specifically the moment where he calls after me, ‘I won’t let you do this.’ Even now, I couldn’t be sure if he meant, ‘I won’t let you do this, and now I’m going to step out in front of this car deliberately to make you come back’, or ‘I won’t let you do this, and I’m so focused on stopping you, I haven’t seen this car I’m about to step out in front of’.
But what I do know is that I was not prepared to let Chloe and Theo grow up with any burden of doubt about their father’s death. And neither was Caroline. We have at least successfully protected Matthew’s memory. It was the final decision she and I made; the last time we spoke. The remainder of my deal was simple: no further contact = no recrimination. No public recrimination, more accurately. At the inquest it was evident that she was a heartbroken woman, devastated by the death of her only child. She no longer practises, I believe. She is alone – the one thing she was most afraid of. And it is her own fault. I don’t want to feel anything towards her at all, but in darker moments, I can’t help but hope she has to live with that knowledge for a very, very long time. I also sometimes like to imagine her a patient at Abbey Oaks, driven quite mad by grief, although I have no idea if that’s true or not.
So now, I do not want to keep this recording any more. Caroline, of course, doesn’t know that I’m going to erase it, but I don’t want to risk Chloe or Theo ever stumbling across the last moments before their father’s death.
I hit delete, and the recording vanishes for ever. Then I start to walk home. Only one other person heard it. Someone who really did deserve to know the truth about what Caroline and Matthew did – for so many reasons – but I know it’s a secret they can keep.
She’s a very good actress indeed.
The End
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
My grateful thanks to Sarah Ballard, Sara O’Keeffe, the teams at UA and Corvus, Emily Eracleous, Nathan Johnson, and all of the bloggers and authors who have provided me with such invaluable support.
Lucy Dawson was a children’s magazine editor before she had her first bestselling book, His Other Lover, published in 2008. Since then she has published four other novels and her work has been translated into numerous languages. She lives in Exeter with her husband and children.
Also by Lucy Dawson
You Sent Me a Letter
Little Sister
The One That Got Away
What My Best Friend Did
His Other Lover
Published in paperback in Great Britain in 2017 by Corvus, an
imprint of Atlantic Books Ltd.
Copyright © Lucy Dawson, 2017
The moral right of Lucy Dawson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act of 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities, is entirely coincidental.
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A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
Trade paperback ISBN: 978 1 78239 625 3
Paperback ISBN: 978 1 78239 627 7
E-book ISBN: 978 1 78239 626 0
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