The Microcosm

by Maureen Duffy

  ‘You are deep in thought. And by your face these are not happy thoughts.’

  ‘I was wondering how long you’d been here.’

  ‘In this house or in England? It is both the same since I live here ever since I have arrived. That is two years ago.’

  ‘I need a room. I wondered if you could tell me how to set about finding one.’

  ‘But why? You can stay here. Why should you look for anything else?’

  ‘Oh it’s much too expensive. I couldn’t afford it.’

  ‘Mrs. Hardcombe will make an arrangement with you if you are staying a long time. We all have arrangements with her.’

  ‘It isn’t just that. I want somewhere of my own where I can cook and invite friends and do what I like.’

  ‘But you can do as you like here. There are no rules. In many places you cannot have men in your room that is if you are a girl but there is nothing like that here. All is completely free. And you haven’t met everyone yet. There are some very interesting people here whom I am sure would be pleased to meet you and you would like them too. Don’t say you are going now you have only just come. My heart is broken. First I find you and then suddenly you say I must lose you the next day.’

  ‘Oh I don’t suppose I’ll find anything as quick as that.’

  ‘It is always the same when ladies come here they do not stay. They are like beautiful birds resting for the night and then in the morning they resume their flight. Before you are up even they have flown away following the path of the sun and we are left here with an empty heart knowing they will never return.’

  ‘You shouldn’t get up so late then.’

  ‘Oh yes, you have the proverbs about the early bird we learned in school just as we learned to play cricket and now you are playing games with me. You light up my life for a moment and then you become cruel like all the rest when you see how it is with me.’ He moved towards her. ‘Will you not be kind to me to make up for it?’

  ‘I’m afraid I have to go now. You see I’m starting a new job tomorrow and I’m worried that I won’t wake up in time without an alarum clock.’

  ‘What is this new job? Why do you need it?’

  ‘I need the money of course. I’m starting on the buses so I expect I’ll get rather tired at first.’

  ‘Still I do not understand. What is this need for money? I have plenty of money. You can stay here with me in my room. We will share it and make the arrangement with Mrs. Hardcombe. She is most understanding in these things and when I tell her how unhappy I shall be if you go away everything will be alright. You cannot work on the buses. That is not work for an intelligent girl like you and I do not think you are so strong either because you are very pale. You will be unhappy on the buses and it is not right for us both to be unhappy. There is no sense in this.’

  Cathy felt her brain growing numb under the persistence of his arguments and realised she would have to get out of the room quickly before she found herself with no answer and her silence taken for acceptance.

  ‘But this is daft. I hardly know you; we only met yesterday. Do you always work this fast? You don’t even know my name.’

  A hurt look crept over his face. ‘What does that matter when two people like each other at once as we have done. Alright you wish to be unkind to hurt me. It is perhaps some kind of test. I shall let you go now then to show you I am not afraid. Tomorrow we shall talk about this again when you have been running up stairs and down all day like a servant and this foolishness will be forgotten. All foolishness.’

  ‘I know you mean it kindly Nala but you don’t know me; you don’t know anything about me. Suppose I turned out to be a thief or something.’

  ‘You have not the face for a thief and anyway that is not important. I know what my heart tells me and I know I will die if you are not kind to me.’ He turned towards the window and stood looking out and she wasn’t quite sure that he wasn’t crying.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ trying hard to keep herself from going up to him but realising that this would be a dreadful mistake. ‘I have to go now. Thank you for the curry. I liked it very much.’

  He turned to face her. ‘Just one thing, tell me one thing only to show you do not hate me.’

  ‘Of course I don’t hate you.’

  ‘What is your name please?’

  ‘Cathy.’

  ‘Cathy?’

  ‘That’s it. Goodnight.’ She opened the door behind her quickly and was outside and halfway to her room before he had realised what she was doing. He turned to the half empty bottle of wine, poured himself another glass then went down on his knees and pulled out a portable record player from under the bed, selected a record from the full rack on the mantelpiece and put it on the turntable. Then he lay back on the bed with his glass in his hand, staring up at the ceiling and letting the sadness of the music flow over him.

  As she undressed she heard the music begin above her head, a wailing of strange instruments she couldn’t even begin to indentify to a light drum that tapped out an incessant time like the muffled thud of a heartbeat, and then voices took it up sometimes in chorus, sometimes a solo, rising and falling slightly or dwelling on the same note as if analysing and displaying the most delicate subtleties of human emotion.

  Well, and what would Garsley think to this lot? The funny thing is I don’t dislike him at all, in fact I rather like him as a friend or a sort of brother. He says all the sort of things I’d want to say, that I’d rehearse in my head, if ever I found the right person. I’d want to be just like that, walk straight in and sweep her off her feet. There, it’s that old Heathcliff again; keeps coming back does that one. I’m not your Cathy. What was it she said? ‘I am Heathcliff.’ Anyway one thing’s for sure: he’s not going to help me find anywhere else and I need somewhere even quicker now. Tomorrow I have to let Madam know if I’m leaving and I want to be able to say yes. And how the dickens am I going to wake up in the morning? First thing I must do when I’ve a moment is to buy an alarum clock. Try banging your head on the pillow; you used to think it worked when you were a kid.

  It was cold, raw cold, going out in the morning and it hurried her shivering along. The banging on the pillow had worked. It had kept her in a half-conscious state all night, surfacing through sleep in a panic with sick fear in her stomach, a glance at her watch and then a rapid descent to the bottom, every couple of hours, and after the last at six she had lain there holding herself just below the surface until she was worn out with the effort and dragged herself out of bed to dress and sit bolt upright on the hard chair until it was time to let herself out of the house which was sunk asleep still as if it would never wake.

  ‘You look worn out before you start kid,’ said Ted her instructor; not at all like a bus conductor, she thought, with his big blond head, curly beard and pipe. I doubt they’d have had him on the buses at home looking like that though I don’t reckon it’d worry him much with that great laugh he’s got to him. ‘Did you have any breakfast?’

  ‘They don’t serve it at our place before eight, where I’m staying.’

  ‘In a hostel are you? Terrible places those. Run your life to a clock if you let them. You want to get out of there pretty sharpish. Well now, think you can get something inside you in quarter of an hour before we get cracking? Let’s go down to the canteen. I can tell you a few things while you eat. Could do with a cuppa meself.’

  She learnt a lot that first morning just by watching and listening; how heavy and messy the ticket machines were with their smudgy ink and paper rolls that always ran out at the worst moment or jammed with a full load in the rush hour; how the coppers weighed you down and grimed your hands with their metallic deposit and the hours were long on the feet and the stairs on the muscles of calf and thigh, and the schedules were crazy and the public but she knew all about the public from working in the library, and she was very glad when their first real break came and Ted pushed open the door into a small clean cafe where other crews were constantly coming and going. She l
iked their driver Stan too though he didn’t have much to say. Stan was getting on to retirement and had learnt to save his energies for rush hour driving so he ate and drank slowly and rested behind the football results, turning them over slowly in his head as he worked a fibre of mutton out from under his bottom plate.

  Ted showed her how to make up a waybill and how to set the ticket machine. ‘Tomorrow morning you can have a go. We’ll let you in lightly today.’

  ‘Will I have time to buy an alarum clock somewhere? I don’t think I could stand another night like last night worrying all the time whether I’m going to wake up or not.’ She heard her father’s voice saying, Never be late in on your first morning or your last. You can set your clock by me I always tells the young lads.

  ‘There’s a few shops round the corner, a jeweller’s too I think. You’ll have plenty of time. What you really want to do is find yourself some lodgings or you won’t last a month with no breakfast.’

  ‘Oh I know. I do want to but I don’t know where to begin.’

  ‘Just come down here have you? Well you want to start with the cards in the tobacconist’s window, things like that. They’re the best or the local paper. Don’t want to get hooked by one of these agency places and the big papers are no good for what you want. Have a wander round this evening when we knock off. You’ll sleep better too with that off your mind.’

  The afternoon dragged a bit although she tried to keep her mind on watching Ted knowing she would have to do most of this herself tomorrow but she knew too that she had absorbed as much as she could without getting down to the hard facts of experiencing it herself. And she was beginning to feel very tired although the thought of the alarum clock she’d bought locked in the little cubby hole under the stairs was very comforting as it ticked away the hours until she was free to begin her real search.

  ‘See you in the morning,’ Ted said, slapping her on the shoulder, ‘and tomorrow I’ll have a nice easy day dinging the bell and seeing the customers on and off while you have fun with the tickets. Here, don’t forget your clock.’ He tossed her the box which she caught with her heart jumping in fright.

  Tea first and then along to that main road and look for a window with cards in it. Good job the shops stay open later here than in Garsley or I wouldn’t have a hope. Here’s a little cafe says it’s open at seven in the morning. I could get breakfast here in the morning. One thing about the uniform it’s a passport to anywhere. You can wear trousers all day and nobody turns a hair.

  After tea in a huge mug and egg on toast everything seemed much easier and she wasn’t all that surprised when she found a newsagent with one side of the window full of all shapes, colours and scripts with everything for sale, wanted, small removals, lady will baby-sit, lady will, repairs undertaken to electrical installations, let us quote you a fair price for a fair job, all the rag and tag of the district displayed and among them half a dozen or so suit two business gentlemen sharing, good home and food for working man, no coloured, quiet house and finally bed-sitting room, own cooking, use of bath, suit single, £3-10-0 p.w., apply inside.

  ‘No dear, it hasn’t gone to my knowledge and anyhow it’s always worth a try. Just round the corner, 26 Dorset Crescent, Mr. Gregory; he’s a very pleasant gentleman.’

  ‘There are two things first I must tell you why the room is so cheap. That is because it is right at the top of the house and is a very small room. So far up I do not go up there very much myself so you are not troubled with a nosy old landlord only when you come to me and say something is wrong. Now do you wish to see this room or have I put you off? We go up then. The lady who have it before tell me at first is terrible, and then after three weeks she find herself running everywhere she is so strong and healthy. You work on the buses then for you it is nothing because you are all day up and down the stairs.’

  ‘Oh, it’ll be the other way round with me. I’ve only just started so it will be good training.’

  ‘There is one other lady up here and you have the bathroom between you. Excuse me if I stop a moment here. It is the terrible thing of getting old and fat that you must count every step and every breath you take. That is better. Now we are nearly there. This is the little bathroom. Here you may put a little washing as you arrange with the other lady. She is very nice. She is a kind of nurse at the hospital but not quite. She takes the pictures of the chest and other part of the body.’

  ‘A radiographer?’

  ‘That is it I think. This is the room. You see, each one has its own yale lock so inside it is altogether private and your own business. As I tell you, is very small.’

  But it was very bright too she saw at once and although the furniture wasn’t the very latest from House Beautiful it was the kind she was used to and there was plenty of it including a very useful cooker top with a grill and burner, a good quality Axminster on the floor and cheerful matching curtains and bedspread.

  ‘I do not supply bed linen only the blankets nor also the crockery, pots and pans, etc.’

  ‘That’s fine. I like it very much.’

  ‘You will take it then?’

  ‘Yes please.’

  ‘And when would you wish to move in?’ She hesitated. ‘You can come at once if you wish. We begin the rent from Friday, one week in advance so you give me one week’s notice when you want to leave and you pay nothing that week.’

  ‘I’d like to pay you two now if you don’t mind but I’ve paid for my room where I am for tonight so I think I ought to go back there, and anyway my things are there.’

  ‘That is very wise. Give nobody the money you have work hard for for nothing, not even me. I give you a receipt for the two weeks though one would be quite enough.’

  ‘Oh I’d rather, then I know where I am.’

  ‘And you will come tomorrow? I give you the key to your room and to the front door.’

  ‘Thank you very much. There’s just one thing.’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Could I bring my case in at half past seven tomorrow on my way to work. I don’t want to take it with me and I don’t particularly want to go back for it.’

  ‘But of course. I shall be up but that doesn’t concern you. Just leave it in the hall. Don’t bother to take it all the way up to your room or you will be tired before even the day begins. If there is anything you want to know anytime you ask me and I am happy to tell you that is if I know the answer of course. You come to me you understand otherwise I do not bother you. Goodnight.’ He held out his hand for Cathy to shake.

  Well I’ve done it now, a room and a job in no time at all. Tomorrow! Thursday and ‘I’ve got Saturday off as it’s my first week so I can go shopping on Saturday morning and buy a few pots. Must remember to get a pair of sheets and a pillow case tomorrow in the dinner break. Only tonight to get through and then I can really start living in a place of my own. That’d surprise them at home to think of me so eager to put down a few roots. What did he say she was? A radiographer. Maybe she’ll be able to tell me. No I won’t even start thinking about that. It’s a case of physician heal thyself first. Later maybe when I’ve sorted myself out a bit, perhaps found someone else like me I can talk it all over with, I can start to think of that again. What shall I do about Nala? I don’t want to go through all that again tonight; it only hurts us both. Try and creep in without his hearing me and if no one’s up in the morning I can leave a note for madam, after all I don’t owe her anything; in fact she’s never given me my change back.

  Strains of sad music mingled with the smell of curry as she stepped into the hall, silently pulled the door to until the lock clicked and slowly climbed the stairs. If she didn’t make a sound he wouldn’t know she had come in even if his door was open unless he was actually sitting on the third flight waiting. She turned the bend, saw there was no one there though the music was growing louder, eased herself gently from tread to tread, saw the curry bubbling like a mud pool on the stove, got her hand on the doorhandle, turned it, was inside and shot the bolt. Fe
et moved across the floor above her head but didn’t come out onto the landing. She began to undress in the dark, putting her things down as quietly as she could.

  All at once the whole thing seemed ridiculous. This is my own room and I’ve paid for it so why shouldn’t I do what I like. I don’t have to see anyone if I don’t want to. Otherwise if I’m going to be hounded and made to feel responsible I might as well be back at home. She put on the light and began to pack the few things she’d bothered to take out of her case. Then she wound and set the alarum, took off her uniform and got into bed, pulling the lazy switch above her head like a shutter over the day.

  It must have been the getting into bed that did it. There was the sound of feet on the stairs and a soft knocking on the door. Cathy didn’t answer. She heard the handle turning. ‘Cathy, are you in there? I know you are because the door won’t open. You have bolted it.’

  ‘I’m very tired. I’ve gone to bed.’

  ‘You see, I told you that job was no bloody good for you. Now will you listen to me. I will look after you and you will never have to work hard again. Won’t you answer me? I will stay here all night until you agree to what I say. You are very unkind. I have been so lonely and now I must be lonely again. It would be better you had never come, I had never seen you to suffer like this. I am dying for you. You are killing me with this silence. Cathy.’

  ‘Please go away. There’s nothing for me to say. I’m leaving in the morning and I have to be up early. I’m sorry if you got the wrong impression but I don’t think it was really my fault.’

  ‘You don’t like me because I am coloured, that is it. You are like all the rest of them but we are Aryans like you and if you lived in a country of sun instead of all this damn fog and rain every day you would be like us.’