Favorite Wife

by Susan Ray Schmidt

  Listlessly strolling outside, I searched through the damp, ocean-side darkness toward Charlotte’s house, straining my ears in hopes of hearing a familiar step in the underbrush. The faint noise of a cricket off in the distance was the only sound. Why didn’t he come? How could he do this to me, when he knew how much I needed him and how patient I had been? Oh, life wasn’t fair. My night was almost over, and Verlan was leaving for conference in Colonia Le­Baron tomorrow, to be gone for weeks. Where was he?

  And yet I knew, of course. Verlan wasn’t in a meeting with Joel. Not this time of night. Somewhere within the boundaries of Los Molinos, my darling lay in another wife’s arms. He held another lonely woman close to his warm body, caressing and loving her instead of me. On my night!

  Anger surged through me, blinding me with the force of it. Every one of Verlan’s wives knew whose turn it was; we all kept track. Yet one of them had contrived a reason for him to stay with her. I knew it as surely as I stood here alone in the darkness. Oh, how I wished I knew who it was! I would never forgive her. Who would do this to me?

  Was it Charlotte? I quickly discarded the thought. Charlotte was a stickler for the rules. Lucy? No way, Lucy would never presume to take advantage of Verlan. Ester? Of course not. I knew it wasn’t Lillie. Beverly, perhaps! Or Irene.

  Yes, Irene! She had always been one to send Verlan to another wife if she thought he was needed. She was like that, Irene was; selfless. So if she happened to be having a rough time, she would expect me to do the same. Well, maybe someday I would be willing, but tonight I wasn’t. If Irene had conned Verlan into spending my night with her, I would never forgive her. Never!

  I stomped back into the house and stared for a moment at the cold dish of food on the stovetop. I had saved my goat cheese for a week for those enchiladas, knowing Verlan was coming. What a fool I was. Picking up the lamp, I stormed into the bedroom.

  Misery and loneliness consumed me as, fully clothed, I tossed back and forth on the bed. Oh, how empty and damned pointless life was! Never a moment of true and lasting happiness. If not for my beautiful children, and Lillie, my friend, I would be wishing for a black hole to swallow me up and take me away from this dreary existence. How did a woman keep her faith while living like this? What in the hell had ever possessed me to think life married to a leader would be an adventure? We women, soldiers in the glorious army of the Lord, bullshit. We were nothing but mindless cows in a pasture, waiting for our time of the month so our bull could pay us a visit and start another jewel for his heavenly crown.

  We lived in such isolation. We were veterans of loneliness. Whose fault was the greater, the man’s for his neglect, or the woman’s for accepting it? “Be a good little wife, Susan, and when I come home . . . Be patient, my darling. The day will come when our life as a family will be normal . . .”

  A normal family life would never happen. As long as I was willing to put up with Verlan’s excuses and warped priorities, my life would remain in the same, intolerable rut. Lucy’s pale face flashed before my eyes. Uncomplaining Lucy, always the quiet and long-suffering saint. A stoic, complacent martyr, and I was becoming just like her. But what could I really do about my situation?

  I sat up on the edge of the bed, then restlessly paced around my dimly lit bedroom. I could always rebel; I could refuse to stay home and wait for Verlan any longer; I could threaten divorce. I could! I could demand that he treat me like a real wife, and if he couldn’t stay at home, then he could just haul me along with him.

  But would his fear of losing me prompt him to act? Did I mean as much to Verlan as he constantly assured me I did? As much as Lillie thought I did?

  Striking a match, I relit the lamp. I placed it on the dresser and took a long, earnest look at myself in the mirror. At nineteen, a soft, ethereal beauty had replaced the childlike prettiness that was mine on the day of our wedding almost four years ago. Ash-blond shoulder-length hair glistened in the lamplight. An oval face and creamy complexion accentuated the striking, sea-blue eyes that stared back at me from beneath dark, delicately arched brows. Full lips, naturally curved upward at the corners, smiled experimentally back at me, revealing the tips of even, white teeth.

  I slowly unbuttoned my blouse and pulled it off. Then I slipped out of my jeans. With only my bra and panties hiding my nakedness, I stared at my reflection. My figure was a bit more slender than it had been before, but still showed supple, womanly curves in the right spots. I had to be honest. I looked better than I ever had. Something about the way Verlan’s eyes followed me of late told me he thought so too. But would my sensuality be enough? What about the conspicuous age gap that caused lulls in the conversation if we happened to spend much time around one another?

  I unfastened my bra and slipped a nightgown over my head. Blowing out the lamp, I pulled back the covers and settled into the pillow. The difference in our ages and interests had nothing to do with the fact that I deeply loved Verlan, and that I needed him more than I ever had. I needed him and I deserved him, and God willing, I was going to fight for my rights. Maybe Lucy and the others were content with their lot in life, but I wasn’t. I had shown Verlan a complacent, obedient little robot for far too long. Time for a change!

  Verlan leaned over me, waking me with a quick kiss on the lips, “Hi, my love, I hope you’re not mad. Say you’re not, and I’ll promise to spend some extra time with you today before I leave for San Diego. Okay?” His fingers gouged into my ribs, tickling me, his eyes pleading for understanding.

  Pushing his hands away, I sat up in bed and looked coldly back at him. His casual manner and cheerful attitude made my blood boil. Instantly awake, I ran fingers through my hair, then grabbed the covers and held them tightly to my chest.

  “Oh, I see,” I said slowly. “Pacify the little woman with a bit of ‘extra time.’ A little hug and a little kiss. Well, it won’t be necessary, thank you.” My voice was suddenly crisp and in control. “I’ve decided to go with you to Colonia Le­Baron, so you can just spend your ‘extra time’ with your other wives.”

  Verlan stared at me, his eyes widening. Then he shook his head. “Nope, that won’t work. I’m sorry. You can’t go this time. I’ve already promised to take—”

  “Oh, no. Don’t you dare!” I leaped out of bed, my control snapping. “Verlan LeBaron, you have neglected me for—for too damn long! I absolutely refuse to be left behind, so you might as well change whatever plans you’ve made.”

  “Well, I can’t do that. I’m telling you, I already—”

  “No!” I shouted. I shook my head and stamped my bare foot, my eyes blazing as I stood half-naked in front of him. “You’re not leaving me again, Verlan! I’ve thought and thought all night long about you and me, and something’s got to change. I’m tired of waiting around for you, hoping you’ll find some time for me in your busy life. That’s all I’ve done since the day we were married, is wait, wait, wait. Well I’m not going to hang around and be patient and understanding any longer. Do you understand what I’m saying? I’m going to conference with you. I’m your wife, and you owe it to me to treat me like one.”

  Dropping his chin onto his chest, Verlan slowly shook his head and sighed. Then he was silent, his eyes flitting around the room as he searched for a way out of the box I’d put him in. I pretended to ignore him as I dressed and put on my shoes, but I watched him stew in the reflection of Lillie’s big mirror when I brushed my hair. Finally Verlan patted the bed. “Sit down for a minute and listen to me. I want to explain to you about last night. Last night as I—”

  “No!” I snapped, slamming the dresser drawer closed and whirling to face him. “I don’t want to hear where you spent my night. I’m too damn mad. Besides, it doesn’t matter now because I’m going with you.”

  Sighing again, Verlan stood up. “I wish you’d quit that language, and I wish you’d listen to me. Ester was really unhappy last night—”

 
“Ester?” I shrieked, my blood running cold. “You spent my night with Ester? Oh, that’s just lovely. Of all the raw, low-down nerve . . . How could you even bear to touch that—that bitchy little snob!”

  “Sweetheart, she’s not like that, really. She can be such a gentle, queenly woman . . .”

  “Well, I don’t want to hear it. I’ll never forgive you for this, Verlan. Never! I made such a nice dinner, and I waited for you for hours.”

  Verlan regarded me for a long moment, then walked to the window. His shoulders were bowed as he pulled the curtain back and stared across the vacant field toward Lucy’s house. As I yanked the covers over the bed, I couldn’t help but notice that he looked really haggard. For a fleeting moment I felt sorry for him, and I regretted my ugly show of temper. My loneliness and jealousy had caused me to forget that he had his own side to this story.

  I didn’t doubt that it was real hell for a man to be emotionally torn between so many wives. Verlan wanted to be there for each of us. He loved and needed us, and wanted to make all of us happy. Well, this whole mess was his own fault. He should have thought of that before he married us. He always wanted to. Wasn’t it something how his intention and his follow-through somehow weren’t connected?

  “Okay.” His voice almost startled me. He turned and gave me a brief smile. “You can go. Go ahead and pack for you and James. Plan on two weeks. I’ll have Reenie take care of Melanie.”

  I gulped, an abrupt, unexpected guilt causing my hands to shake. He had given in so easily! I’d expected such a battle . . . “Thank you, Verlan.” I plumped the pillows, somehow keeping my voice even and sophisticated.

  He walked to the doorway, hesitated, and looked back at me. I met his gaze, hoping that he would see only confidence and self-esteem in my eyes. I didn’t want him to know that I was suddenly feeling darting little arrows of shame. Ducking through the doorway, he dropped the curtain back into place and quietly left the house.

  I sank down on the bed, my knees weak. I shakily exhaled. All right, you should be happy, I thought. You’ve pulled it off. You’ve bullied him into taking you to Colonia LeBaron. You are special to him; Lillie was right. He wouldn’t have given in to anyone else. So he’s leaving someone else behind. That’s his problem. That’s her problem.

  I bit my lip and rubbed my forehead, my temples beginning to throb. I hadn’t even had the guts to ask Verlan who it was. One of his other wives was going to be terribly disappointed and angry with me. I gulped in growing misery. I was so selfish.

  From the corner of my bedroom, a faint smell of urine wafted toward me. James had awakened and was standing in his crib. He stared at me from between the bars, his sleeper sagging between his legs. After a moment I stood up, went to the kitchen, and put a bucket of water on to heat to for his bath. I told myself that Verlan’s other wife didn’t matter, I was going with him! That was the important thing. Verlan and I were again going to become as one flesh, just as the Bible said we should. We had to do this! We had to build a relationship once again—I couldn’t bear this way of life any longer if we didn’t.

  I resolutely planned for the trip and packed Melanie’s clothes to take to Irene’s. Surely Irene would agree to take care of her, she loved Melly, and besides, she had Donna and Kaylen and the others to help. Lillie, of course, would keep Ivan.

  I ran down the little path that was forming between Lillie’s house and mine and explained to her about my intended trip. “Will you mind keeping Ivan?”

  “Of course not. Go, and have a good time. Verlan should take someone, and it’s your turn.”

  Her words salved my guilt as I waited for Verlan to arrive. He came for Melanie shortly after lunch. “Come on, baby,” he called for her as he picked up her bag. Turning to me, he said, “I’ll be right back for you.”

  I frowned. “Why don’t I just come with you now? I’d like to tell Irene good-bye, and thank her.”

  “We don’t have time for that; we’re getting away late as it is. I’ll tell her goodbye for you. Now Melly, give your mom a kiss.”

  She hugged me, looking at me with a trace of tears in her eyes. “You won’t be very long, will you, Mama?”

  “A few days, but you’ll be fine with Aunt Reenie and Kaylen. Be a good girl, and I’ll bring you back a prize.” I kissed her cheek, a growing lump in my throat.

  Twenty minutes later, Verlan, James, and I bumped along the road and climbed up the incline above Los Molinos. I looked back at Irene’s yellow house in the distance, wondering if Melanie was crying. This was the first time I had left her for so long, and I felt like a traitor. She was so little and so trusting, and I was dumping her on Irene to satisfy my own selfish needs. I blinked rapidly to block the tears and erase the growing fear that I was a horrible mother and a self-centered, demanding wife. As we sped along the highway, the knowledge that one of Verlan’s wives was being left behind because of me kept crowding to the forefront. My feelings of justification in what I had done were dissolving like drops of water on a hot stove.

  Verlan seemed distant and silent for the first half hour, hardly noticing that I was with him. Suddenly he brightened, smiled at me, and said, “What is this? Are you going to stay clear over there the whole trip? Move that big hunk of a boy over, and come sit next to me.”

  I lifted James from between us and scooted him next to the door. “He really is getting big, isn’t he,” I forced a grin, “I’ll bet he’s as tall as you when he grows up.”

  Verlan glanced at him. “Oh, at least. Just look at those feet. He’ll be as tall as Ervil.”

  “Verlan,” I took a deep breath, “There is something I’ve been needing to tell you about Ervil. Something happened the other day. Did Joel tell you about the fight between Ervil and the Zarates and Brother Castro?”

  Verlan’s eyes darkened. “He told me some of it, yes. Go ahead, tell me what you heard.”

  As I related to him the incident at Victoria’s trailer, I watched his face. His expression hardly changed throughout my account; only a grinding of his jaw showing his emotion. “Gamaliel Rios was the man who was with Ervil that night in Colonia LeBaron,” I said soberly, “the night I heard Ervil say he’d have you killed. Oh, Verlan, Ervil’s not rational! He knows he can’t bully those men out of their land, and they won’t be threatened into joining his group. And yet, something is building. I can feel it. Ervil talked of blood atonement. What does that mean?”

  “It’s an old Brigham Young doctrine, one, I’m glad to say, that quickly bit the dust. It means that if a person sins against the Holy Ghost, or in other words, against personal knowledge of what’s right, then that person is executed for the salvation of his own soul. Ervil’s professing to be in charge of seeing that the doctrine is put into practice once again. Claims God told him to clean house.” He snorted. “It’s pure hogwash. He’ll never do it.”

  I frowned. “So what’s going to happen? I can’t picture his threatening these things and not carrying through with some action! He would look stupid. I don’t know,” I shook my head worriedly, “I think you’re kidding yourself if you think he is just going to let it all go away.”

  Verlan yawned. “You know what? I don’t want to talk about Ervil anymore. I’m sick of the subject. Let’s just enjoy our trip together, hum? Because once we get to San Diego, we’re going to be picking up a couple of brethren to ride on to Colonia LeBaron with us. I was originally planning to stay in San Diego for a couple of days, but since you’re going with me we may just as well leave immediately for the colony. That way you’ll have a chance to spend some time with your folks.”

  He patted my knee as I snuggled against him. This was the Verlan I had been missing so much . . . This was why I’d thrown the fit this morning, so that I could once again have my husband to myself. He was so different when we were around the rest of the family—so harried and stressed out. But now that we were alone, he wa
s affectionate and considerate. I pressed a kiss against his shoulder and said a silent prayer of thanksgiving. For the next few days, Verlan would be mine. The choking, dried-out garden of our love would be watered once more, given a long, deep drink that would have to last for weeks, or possibly months, until my turn came again. I had to make the most of it.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  I awoke as we rattled over a cattle guard. “Where are we?” I yawned loudly, rubbed my eyes, and peered out the bug-spattered windshield.

  “We’re here, honey. We’re at the colony,” Verlan yawned in response and patted my knee.

  Colonia LeBaron’s main walnut tree–lined road, dark and silent under the pale ghost of a late moon, was a welcome sight, and I immediately felt the familiar excitement of being home again. Mom and Dad, Fara and Mona, oh and Jay—I couldn’t wait to see them! My hands drifted up to my tangled hair in an effort to make myself presentable, then I fished in my purse for a brush.

  “Hey, what’s going on here?” Verlan muttered, suddenly braking the car when the shadowy figure of a man waving a flashlight stepped out of the trees to the driver’s side window. After Verlan rolled the window down we both recognized Beverly’s father, Delfino Paisano, although his head and shoulders were covered by a serape. More figures emerged from the shrubbery hurrying toward us. A man on horseback galloped close, abruptly reining the horse to a halt.

  “Delfino! Nephi! How you guys doin’? What’s going on here?” Verlan’s hearty voice woke James, who was lying on the seat next to me. Immediately he started to wail, drowning out Nephi’s shouted response. I shushed James, but Verlan had already opened the door and joined the men. They’d gathered in a huddle, the car lights outlining the group.

  “What in the heck?” I muttered, peering at my watch. Almost midnight and five men, one of whom appeared to be Verlan’s brother Floren, were out in the chilly night air, conversing with Verlan. Something was wrong.