by Ashley John
Caden suddenly stopped mid-sentence and sat forward, staring at the blank TV awkwardly. Elias pulled his arm back and sat cross-legged on the sofa. He fiddled with the rings in his ear as he wondered what Caden was about to say.
“Your break up?” Elias offered.
“Was it that obvious?” Caden ran his hands across his light scruff, “Damn, man. I shouldn’t be talking about this with you. I’m here to help you.”
“This is helping,” Elias said, “I hate talking about my problems. People only ever want to talk about addiction. This is the most normal I’ve felt since getting out.”
Caden half smiled, glancing to Elias out of the corner of his eye. It warmed Elias to know that other people in the world had problems, even if they were different. He had grown up in a world where weakness and differences were actively discouraged.
“I haven’t really spoken about it,” Caden said softly, “my parents don’t really understand and all of my friends are his friends so it’s not like I can vent to them either.”
“His friends?”
“Yeah, my ex, Finn. I moved to New York and -,”
“Wait,” Elias cut him off, “you’re gay?”
Caden smiled awkwardly and shifted back into the corner of the sofa. Elias felt his entire body turning rigid as he stared at Caden, waiting for the answer.
“I am,” he nodded, “is that a problem, because if it is -,”
“No, it’s not a problem,” he interrupted again, “I just – I just didn’t know.”
“Do you want me to wear a badge?” Caden laughed awkwardly, “We’re normal people too.”
Elias could tell that Caden was joking but it didn’t stop Elias’ heart pounding in his chest. Just tell him you are too. The words were there, waiting to come out. He hadn’t actually spoken them to anyone before. They’d never been important, but sitting there with Caden feeling almost normal made him want to share that part of him with the world. It’ll only make things even more awkward.
“Can I tell you something?” the words tumbled out of Elias’ mouth.
“That’s what I’m here for,” Caden turned back towards him, a friendly smile on his face.
Elias wanted to say the words, to finally confide in somebody. Would it be a relief? He had always had so many troubles in his life, this had been one that he had pushed to the back of his mind, only confronting when he needed to use it to his advantage to get what he wanted from people; usually curious and horny dealers.
“I – I -,” sweat poured down his forehead, forcing his shaky hands to wipe it away.
For once, he didn’t know if they were shaking from the need to use drugs or because he was actually feeling nervous.
“What is it?”
Elias could tell that Caden was urging him to speak. Did he suspect something too? Could Caden sense that Elias was gay too? Did it matter? Why does it matter? Elias didn’t think it did but he felt something else.
“I’m -,” he mumbled, “I mean – can we get this place cleaned up?”
Caden almost looked relieved but Elias felt like kicking himself.
“Sure,” he blinked slowly, “c’mon, many hands make light work. That’s what my mom says.”
“Right,” Elias quickly jumped up, heading straight to the bathroom to stare at himself in the mirror.
Elias wanted to know who the man was staring back in the reflection, but he didn’t. Elias had always been so busy distracting himself, he had never taken a minute to get to know the guy inside.
***
As they cleaned the apartment, Caden couldn’t stop looking over at Elias, who was silently collecting beer cans. He could feel there was something wrong but it was obvious that Elias wasn’t ready to talk about it. Caden knew he was supposed to wait for Elias to open up to him but he wanted to stick his middle finger up to the training. He wanted to help Elias, even more so since listening to his mom. He wanted to let Elias know that he had somebody who cared, but he didn’t want to overstep that line. It’s bad enough that he knows you’re gay, you’ve just gone and made things totally weird with this guy.
“Elias, all of this drinking,” Caden broke the silence, “do you think you really need it?”
Shrugging, Elias tied up the trash bag and dumped it next to the front door. Caden could tell Elias had spent the last hour glancing at the fridge, wanting to grab a can of beer. Replacing one addiction with another just gave Elias a brand new problem to deal with.
“I need something,” he bit into his lip hard, “the days go so slowly. I need something to take my mind off everything.”
Caden knew trying to convince Elias about the health effects wouldn’t make a difference. He probably had people shouting those facts at him all of his life. They’d be completely meaningless, just the pleas of somebody put in a position to ‘help’.
“Do you not have any friends you could hang out with? What about your sister?”
Elias jumped up onto the kitchen counter, a soft smirk on his lips, “When you’re into drugs, your friends are your dealers. Take them out of the equation and you find yourself without anybody to call.”
Caden caught Elias’ eyes dart over to the fridge, but this time, his eyes landed on the piece of paper that Caden had left behind. Had Elias wanted to call Caden but felt too weird about it? Feeling his heart swell, he wanted to be that friend that Elias clearly craved. Deciding to make up his own rules, Caden threw caution to the wind, knowing that traditional methods weren’t going to work with Elias.
“Do you like lobster?”
“Lobster?” Elias’ tone was dismissive.
“The annual Maine Lobster Festival is in Havenmoore this weekend. If you’re free, we could go?”
“Together?” Elias squinted.
“It might be fun.”
Feeling his pulse increase, Caden pushed those thoughts to the back of his head. He wasn’t going to deny that he thought Elias was cute and that he wanted to be there for him but he knew that wasn’t his place. If he could be a friend to Elias and help get him through his court order clean and sober, that would fulfill him more than anything else.
“Lobster,” Elias pondered, “I can’t say I’ve ever tried it.”
“What?” Caden’s head shot back, “You live in Maine and Havenmoore’s docks are the biggest for miles around.”
“It was never a priority,” Elias shrugged.
“I won’t take no for an answer now,” he crossed his arms and rocked back on his heels, “you’re coming if you like it or not. How does Saturday sound?”
“It sounds like I don’t have much choice,” Elias laughed.
There was a carelessness and honesty in his laugh that warmed Caden. If Elias was replacing cocaine with alcohol, Caden was going to try his damn hardest to replace alcohol with friendship. He knew it wouldn’t be easy but he felt like he owed it to Elias. Not because he was an addict who’d been on death’s door, but because he knew the truth about the way Elias had been treated by his family, even if he hadn’t told Elias that.
“That’s final,” Caden clapped his hands together, “it’ll be fun.”
“If you say so,” Elias jumped down from the counter, “you’ll have to show me how to use that damn machine so I can wash a shirt.”
“I thought you didn’t want to learn?”
“Yeah, well, I guess I’ve changed my mind.”
Hardly containing the grin spreading across his face, Caden showed Elias how to use the washing machine and watched proudly as he loaded and started it. They spent the rest of the afternoon finishing the cleaning and taking the bags down to the dumpster in the alley.
When Caden felt their session had naturally come to an end, he felt like he wanted to stick around and somehow spend more time with Elias. You can’t suffocate him. He needs his own space.
“I think that’s enough for today,” Caden reached for his jacket and bag, “I’ll let you get back to your shows.”
“Oh,” Elias mumbled, “sure.”<
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Was that disappointment or had Elias wanted to get rid of Caden all day? He couldn’t decide. Looking around at how clean the apartment was, Caden felt proud that he had made a difference, even if it was only a small one. He thought about the paperwork he would have to fill in and how he would have to report that he had found evidence of Elias’ drinking.
Finding his conscious battling with his morals, Caden swallowed and headed for the door, reminding himself he was there to work and help Elias. Would getting Elias into more trouble help him? Judging by his record that would only make things worse.
“Elias,” Caden turned, his hand on the doorknob, “I shouldn’t be telling you this but I have to report if I find you using any other substances, including alcohol.”
“Right,” Elias laughed, rolling his eyes, “course you do.”
“Listen. I won’t report anything if you make me a promise.”
Leaning against the couch, Elias’ eyes turned to slits as he waited for Caden to deliver his bargain.
“Just promise me that from now until Saturday you’ll try and stay sober. If you do, I’ll draw a line under your drinking until now and I won’t file it.”
Laughing coldly, Elias dropped his head as he scratched the back of his hair. Caden could feel the tension radiating from Elias’ body and he wasn’t altogether sure that he wasn’t about to punch him in the face.
“Okay,” Elias’ head shot up, “I promise I’ll try.”
“Oh. You mean that?”
“I promise I’ll try,” he repeated.
“You still have my number. If you need me, anytime of the day or night, just call me and I’ll be there.”
Elias nodded, his eyes still dark, narrow slits. That was good enough for Caden. Through the angry and tight expression on Elias’ face, he was sure he could feel something thankful trying to break through. Knowing that his work there was done, he headed down the stairs alone and out into the alley. The smell of baked goods tickled his nostrils but the feeling inside was much more satisfying. Walking home in the late afternoon sun, he started to look forward to their next meeting on Saturday, hoping that he would see a clean and sober Elias for the first time.
Elias had spent the morning staring at his four walls, tossing a ball in the air as he scratched himself at timed intervals. When he noticed those scratching intervals lining up perfectly with the frequent commercial breaks during the trashy reality TV shows, Elias had found his mind hooked on, he knew he had to get out of the house.
Only having a couple of numbers in his phone, he didn’t have much choice to get his butt out of the house. Some of those numbers would lead him into trouble so he opted for calling his sister. Caden’s digits were still attached to the fridge under a lobster magnet but Elias still didn’t feel right calling him, despite Caden’s assurance that he was there. It had only been a couple of days since he had seen him and there were only a couple of days until they were meeting at the Lobster Festival. Not wanting to seem too interested in the man who could potentially get him thrown back in rehab, he decided it was better to keep some distance. They may have shared a sexual preference but that’s as deep as Elias was willing to let the connection run.
“I can’t remember the last time you just wanted to meet for coffee,” Ellie sipped her latte, “actually, I don’t think we have ever just met for coffee. Those pills must be working.”
The pills she had given him had taken the edge off but they weren’t numbing his mind completely. Now that he was forcing alcohol out of his life too, he was suddenly so aware of everything around him. Everything was louder and more vibrant than Elias ever remembered and it was driving him crazy. Every couple of seconds the sound of the steam shooting into the milk jug behind the counter made him jump.
“I needed to get out of that apartment,” he slurped the thick, black coffee, “I can’t watch any more TV. I don’t know how normal people do it.”
“Normal people have jobs,” she said, “something you’ve dragged me away from.”
“I thought you were on a break?”
“I am,” she nodded, “you’re lucky it’s quiet today. Breaks are a luxury the residents of Havenmoore aren’t too happy to let me have these days. We need some more doctors at the office but all I keep hearing about is budget cuts. I'm going to bring it up to the state senator if he shows up to The Medical Ball in a couple of weeks. And then there’s that damn Obama Care. Don’t even get me started on that.”
When Elias started to laugh, Ellie put her coffee cup on the table and pursed her lips, shaking her jet black hair from her face.
“What’s so funny?” she demanded.
“Nothing,” he laughed, shaking his head, “it’s just weird us sitting here chatting about trivial things. It’s refreshing.”
Ellie let a smile flutter across her pursed lips for a second before reaching for her cup again. No matter what he had put her through, neither of them could ever destroy that bond they’d shared since birth. It was something only twins knew about and it couldn’t be explained. They didn’t even need to like each other that much. They were like two peas in a pod, even if one of those peas was slightly misshapen and an off shade of green.
“Have you seen mom?” Ellie dropped the question in so casually, he had to admire her approach, even if Judy James was a subject he would rather avoid.
“She dropped by for about five minutes last week,” he shrugged, “can you believe she has a key for my apartment?”
“Well, she did pay for it -,”
Elias shot his sister a ‘don't go there’ warning glance and she held her hands up in defeat, backing out of the conversation. Elias had never seen the point in talking about their mother. There was no resolution to be reached and there was no solution to the problem of their relationship. What relationship? The window of opportunity for fixing that mess had closed sometime around Elias being in fifth grade.
“How’s Kobi?” Elias headed towards the conversation Ellie didn’t want to talk about.
Just the mention of her son’s name sent Ellie’s lips pursed impossibly tight. Elias knew there was no way she was going to let him see him and he wasn’t about to ask her to.
“He’s fine,” she nodded, “he asks about you a lot.”
Elias was suddenly regretting sending the conversation in that direction. The knife of regret and guilt twisted in his stomach again. The only reason he hadn’t reached straight for his cellphone and called a dealer the second he got out of rehab was because of what Ellie had said about his nephew. That’s how it had started but it snowballed into something else; something Elias didn’t understand. It was as if there was a faint light, flickering in the distance, drawing him towards something he wasn’t sure he wanted. The darkness was still all around, ready to claim him again at any moment. For some reason, he was pulling himself through the darkness like a madman wading through taffy.
“What do you tell him?” he swallowed the lump rising in his throat.
“The same thing I’ve always told him. I tell him you’re sick but we hope you’re going to get better soon.”
The knife sunk deeper. As usual, Ellie was right. He was sick. He had been sick for so many years.
“I want to see him,” Elias blurted out.
“Impossible,” shaking her head, she blinked heavily, “not until you prove you’re clean.”
“I’m trying,” he leaned across the table, “I really am.”
Ellie finished the last of her coffee and glanced eagerly at her watch. They both knew she had nowhere to be but the hectic lifestyle as one of the town’s only doctors always gave her a backdoor to wiggle out of when the time called for it.
“For once, I believe you,” she sighed as she pushed her arms into her long, black overcoat, “but it’s not good enough. Prove you’re clean, then we’ll figure something out.”
Ellie hovered over him and Elias could tell she was trying to figure out what the appropriate farewell was. Whenever she had dragged him out of the
gutter or thrown him out of her house, they’d skipped the polite goodbyes.
“See you around,” Ellie quickly leaned in, her lips lightly touching the top of his hair, “I love you.”
“You too,” he mumbled as she darted out of the quiet coffee shop.
Elias sat alone for a moment, looking around at the few people that were also drinking coffee. A couple caught his attention. Not because there was anything extraordinary about them; it was quite the opposite. The man was laughing at something the woman was saying, their eyes locked as their fingers ran up and down each other’s arms. It looked like love. Not that I’d know what that kind of love looked like.
Deciding he was better off at his apartment, he finished the last of his strong coffee and headed for the door. When he saw his mother on the other side of that door, a frown on her face and a cellphone pressed into her ear, he couldn’t help but think what a cruel twist of fate it was. Why does she have to be here?
The mayor’s gaze caught his and the frown deepened. Pulling on the door, he stepped to the side, letting her inside. He couldn’t imagine what she was doing in a coffee shop on a Thursday afternoon but he didn’t want to stick around to find out. Hoping that she was too deep in her phone conversation, he stepped around her, itching for the freedom of the outdoors.
“Just a second,” she called after him, irritation in her voice, “Brian, I’ll call you back.”
Tossing her cellphone into the designer bag slung over her cocked arm, she crossed her stiletto topped feet, the tight pencil skirt barely moving an inch. The look on her face said ‘well, aren’t you going to talk to your mother?’, but Elias knew he had nothing to say to her that hadn’t already been said.
“What are you doing here?” he asked, stepping back into the coffee shop and closing the door when a group of teenagers tried to push past him, “Isn’t it beneath the mayor to grab her own coffee?”