by Ashley John
“My assistant has food poisoning,” her dark, well-groomed eyebrows hovered low over her heavily lined, wide hazel eyes, “Why are you here? You’re not looking to score, are you?”
“In a coffee shop?” he had to laugh, “I just had coffee with Ellie.”
“Ellie?” it was her turn to laugh.
“Yes, Ellie. My twin sister. You remember her? Same stick up her ass as you? Similar haircut and the same taste in clothes that makes grown men quiver in their boots.”
His mother’s gaze darkened as they hovered awkwardly by the door. He wanted so badly to leave, if only to escape the awkwardness. Elias knew his mother as well as he knew a stranger walking by him on the street. The mother he had grown up with was always on the local news or on the front page of the newspaper. That version of his mother always had a smile on her face. Elias had always wished that version would be the one to come home at the end of the day.
“You’re not destroying that new apartment, are you?” the judgment was loud and clear in her voice.
“It’s clean. Me and Caden spent hours cleaning the other -,” Elias stopped mid-sentence, unsure of why.
“Caden?” she said, “Is that one of your friends?”
By ‘friends’, Elias knew she meant ‘drug dealing scumbags who keep making my life so difficult’.
“He’s the support worker from Helping Hands Outreach.”
“Oh.”
His mother frowned again and he was sure it was because of how casually he was talking about Caden. She wasn’t happy unless they were rubbing against each other like two pieces of sandpaper. The fact he didn’t totally hate his support worker seemed to ruffle her perfectly groomed feathers.
“Is he helping?” her red nail circled around Elias’ face.
She wants to know if I’m getting help? Ha, that’s new.
“If you mean, have I been using, I haven’t.”
“Why?” she cocked her head back.
Part of Elias was shocked that she would ask that question but another part of Elias totally expected it. Unsure of how to answer because he didn’t know himself, he took this as his signal to leave the awkward conversation.
When another wave of people opened the door and attempted to squeeze around them, he backed away with them, “I’d like to say it was nice chatting, but it never is.”
Back out in the open space, he wanted to feel his lungs open, but they didn’t. The effect his mother had on him was like being bit by a venomous snake. Just breathing in her air made every craving for every dangerous substance he had ever taken rise to the surface.
Before he headed back to his apartment, he stole a glance through the coffee shop window. He wasn’t sure if he was expecting to see his mom staring back at him, but she wasn’t. Somehow, she was already at the front of the growing line, with her cellphone sandwiched between her ear and shoulder as she struggled to pull cash out of her wallet.
Taking his time to walk across town, Elias headed down to the docks. The boats were all out at sea. It made him think about the Lobster Festival and how much he was looking forward to seeing Caden again. The excitement was foreign. He had only ever looked forward to seeing somebody when they were handing over a little bag filled with white powder. Walking slowly along the edge of the sidewalk, teetering toward the beach below, he wished he had taken the chance to tell Caden about his sexuality when the opportunity had been there. You’re only making things more awkward for yourself.
After a quick reminder that he was a twenty-six-year-old man, he kicked an empty soda can down to the dirty colored tiny strip of sand below before turning in the direction of the bakery.
Peering through the bakery window, he looked at the display behind the counter. His stomach, which was only filled with coffee, rumbled loudly. Elias was far from being able to look after himself. Regular mealtimes and feeding himself was something he had never been good at. In rehab, you get your three meals served to you at the right time but most of the time, you’re too out of it to even care. When you’re begging on the streets for change, food is always on the bottom of the list of priorities. The rehab had worked out his welfare checks before he left but he was yet to head to a grocery store and most of the fruit and vegetables his mom had paid her assistant to fill his refrigerator with had turned rotten.
Reaching into his pocket for some change to grab a bagel, the sight of a silver car in the reflection caught his eye. For a second, he thought nothing of it, until he saw the twinkle of a gold tooth leaning out of the driver’s window. Was that there when I walked here? No, it couldn’t have been. I would have seen it.
Elias almost didn’t want to turn around but the face that the gold tooth belonged to was staring directly at the back of his head. He didn’t need to look in the reflection to know that; he could feel it.
Elias dropped the change back into his pocket and headed across the road, “How did you find me?”
Rigsy beamed sinisterly, his arm hanging out of the car. His dark complexion was soft and smooth, giving no indication of how much stuff he snorted.
“I wasn’t looking for you,” Rigsy smirked, “I was just – in the area. I saw you and couldn’t resist following to see your new pad. Nice. Looks a little small. Cozy, right?”
“Get out of here, Rigsy,” Elias crossed his arms across his chest, “I don’t want what you’re selling.”
“Who said I was selling?” Rigsy’s laugh was so charismatic, soothing almost, “Maybe you’re not the only one who’s turned over a new leaf.”
From the designer watch glittering on his wrist Elias couldn’t quite believe that. Elias and Rigsy went way back. Never quite becoming friends, but always there to give each other what they needed. Now that Elias didn’t want what Rigsy was offering, he wasn’t sure where they stood with each other.
“I have somewhere I need to be,” Elias pointed over his shoulder.
“Get in,” Rigsy’s voice darkened.
Elias didn’t want to but he knew Rigsy well enough to know that the charming smile plastered across his lips was a façade. Scratch the surface and you find out how dangerous he really was. After a deep breath, Elias was in the passenger seat, staring dead ahead at the road as they drove slowly around Havenmoore.
An eerie silence filled the car until they found themselves in a dark alley, crammed between the town hall and the library. Being that close to his mother’s place of work made Elias even more on edge than usual.
“Have you missed me?” Rigsy smirked.
“I can’t say I have.”
Reaching out, Rigsy cracked open the glove box. When Elias saw the piles of tiny white bags, his mouth watered and his skin itched for it. He tried to look away but he was transfixed. Rigsy fished out a bag, his hand rubbing against Elias’ thigh on the way back. The bag slapped on the inside of his legs and he almost jumped out of his seat.
“What about this? Have you missed this?” he dangled the bag in front of Elias’ face.
Gulping hard, Elias shook his head, a cold sweat erupting. He wanted to reach up to wipe it away but he found his hand frozen by his side, unable to move and unable to look away.
“I – I -,”
“There’s no need to make this any harder for yourself,” Rigsy whispered darkly, “we both know this is just a blip. I know you enough to know how much you want this.”
Elias blinked but he couldn’t open his eyes again. In the darkness he saw Kobi’s face, his scruffy black hair hanging loosely over his eyes so that he was looking under it. Not just looking under it, looking up to me. Behind Kobi, he saw Ellie, the familiar disappointment on her face. To his surprise, he saw Caden too. The man who didn’t know him but seemed to care so much about helping. His stomach churned. I’m not this strong.
“I have no money,” Elias choked on the words, hoping the excuse would diffuse the situation.
A dark and coarse chuckle escaped Rigsy’s throat, followed by the metal crunch of a zipper, “When have I ever asked you for money?”
Elias swallowed hard, his eyes slowly opening. Rigsy’s cock was already swollen as it jutted out through his jeans. Elias has seen it a million times because he had always done what he needed to do to get what he wanted. Sometimes he enjoyed doing it and sometimes it was a chore he would rather have finished. As Elias stared at it, watching it throb and twitch, he felt terror unlike anything.
“I can’t.”
“You know you want it,” he gripped his huge cock at the base, “you know you want both of them.”
Dropping the bag next to his cock, he left it there as temptation. In ten minutes, he could have the bag and he could be locked in his bathroom, ready to escape everything. But what happens after that? What about tomorrow?
“What would your girlfriend say?” Elias attempted to laugh.
“Nobody gives head like you, boy,” Rigsy’s huge tongue ran across his lips, “that’s why I’ve kept you around.”
Elias found himself leaning in towards it, like an old habit rising comfortably to the surface. Face to face with it, his tongue ran shakily across his lips, resting on the lip ring. It would be so easy. Darting down to the bag, he felt the most uncomfortable stab of pain deep inside. Suddenly, he had a conscience.
“I can’t do this,” his hand was already on the door handle, “leave me alone, Rigsy.”
Before he could be tempted further, Elias jumped out of the car and sprinted into the dark depths of the alley. Hiding behind a dumpster, he waited until he heard the roar of Rigsy’s engine before he dared leave. He walked out to the other side of town before doubling back to his apartment, changing direction every couple of minutes. It took him nearly an hour to get back to the bakery but when he slipped into the peace and quiet of his empty apartment, he had never felt so happy to be home.
Without hesitation he grabbed his cellphone and headed straight for the piece of paper attached to the front of the fridge.
***
“Where’s Uncle Finn?” Becca traced her finger along the edge of Caden’s light beard.
“Oh, erm, he’s -,”
“He’s in New York,” Lucy, Caden’s sister-in-law jumped up, scooping Becca from Caden’s lap, “stop asking Uncle Caden so many questions.”
Caden mouthed his thanks to her as she planted her in front of the TV, where she was quickly engrossed in the brightly colored cartoon on the screen. Caden didn’t know how to start explaining something so serious to a five-year-old. She had spent the last twenty minutes talking about what her first couple of days in the first grade were like, pausing to ask awkward questions.
“She’s too nosey for her age,” Lucy laughed, “she takes after your mother. You want another coffee?”
“Sure,” Caden held out the empty cup.
Lucy grabbed the cup and disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Caden sitting with Becca in their cozy den. Expensive furniture was covered in toys and books, giving it a messy family home feeling Caden knew he would never have for himself. He had been stupid enough to start talking about kids with Finn and they’d both seemed excited about the idea. Maybe I was blind to it. Staring at the back of Becca’s flame red hair, he started to doubt that he would ever be that guy.
“Are you going to talk about him?” Lucy sat down next to him, handing him another coffee, “You’ve been here for an hour and you haven’t mentioned him.”
“I was hoping you wouldn’t notice,” he slurped the hot coffee.
He had only dropped by to spend time with somebody who wasn’t his parents. He loved them but he was already growing tired of how much they fussed over him. He knew Bruce would be at the bar but he always got along with Lucy like she was his sister.
“What happened Caden?” she leaned in and sighed, “I thought you two were the real thing.”
“So did I,” Caden forced a smile, “turns out I was wrong. I caught him, y’know -,”
Caden nodded his head towards Becca, not wanting to say ‘I caught him fucking my best friend over our bed in the middle of the afternoon’ in front of delicate, listening ears.
“That snake,” she muttered angrily, “the pig!”
“Yep.”
“I thought he was so nice!”
“He was.”
“Nice guys don’t cheat on people like you. Any guy would be lucky to have you. You’re a saint, Caden. You’re the nicest guy I know! If you weren’t a giant homosexual, I’d be convinced I’d picked the wrong brother.”
She smirked with a wink and Caden couldn’t help but laugh. Lucy had a way with words that always managed to cheer him up. In New York, gay couples broke up every two minutes but Caden had been convinced that wasn’t going to be them. He thought he had the last decent guy in New York. Finn had always been nice, if not sometimes a little neurotic. Caden had always looked past his outbursts but he couldn’t look past the cheating. Finn swore it only happened once but there was something about how casual it had been that he was convinced it was more of a regular thing.
“Maybe I wasn’t enough for him,” Caden nursed his coffee, “Adam always had these amazing stories about the s-e-x he had with guys. Maybe that’s why Finn wanted him so bad.”
“If you love somebody, all sex is the best sex,” she whispered, obviously less concerned about Becca’s ears picking things up, “I’ve been with your brother for nearly eight years and he still has the ability to make me -,”
“Let’s not go there,” he tapped her knee, “I don’t think I can stomach hearing about my big brother in that way.”
Lucy winked again as she tucked her bright blonde hair behind her ear. Caden couldn’t explain what it felt like, not even to her. She wouldn’t understand. She has the perfect life here. I thought I had the perfect life.
“I’m thirty this year and I have no idea where I’m going,” he muttered, “I thought I had it all figured out.”
“You’re still a baby,” she said, “there’s time to figure it out again. You might meet a nice hunk in Havenmoore who’ll sweep you off your feet.”
Caden didn’t think that was likely. He knew better than anyone how deserted Havenmoore was. It had been one of the reasons he had always dreamt of moving to The Big Apple. Growing up, he had always felt like he was the odd one out in town so the second he came out to his parents, he headed out into the world on his big gay adventure. Maybe I settled down too quickly.
“I don’t think Havenmoore is the place for -,”
He was cut off by the vibrating of his cellphone. Fishing it out of his pocket, he stared down at the unknown caller ID uneasily. He never usually answered unknown IDs, just because they normally ended up being smarmy salesmen trying to sell him stocks, insurance and broadband. He stared at the screen, letting it ring out. He would have been happy to let the call end but something inside compelled him to answer it.
“Hello?” he said awkwardly.
“Yeah, hi. It’s me,” Caden instantly recognized ‘me’ as Elias.
A smile instantly pricked up his lips, followed by nervousness. Caden knew he wasn’t ringing for a social call about the weather.
“Everything okay, Elias?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Caden could tell it wasn’t, “I think. I don’t know. Can I see you?”
Caden paused, excitement bubbling inside. He glanced to Lucy, who was busy watching the cartoon with Becca.
“Are you busy? I knew I shouldn’t have -,”
“No, now is fine,” Caden jumped in, “I’ll text you my address.”
“Okay. See ya,” Elias hung up, an awkwardness in his voice.
Caden knew it wasn’t in Elias’ nature to reach out for help so he was nervous for what had happened but he couldn’t ignore how pleased he was that he was getting to see Elias earlier than he thought.
“Who was that?” Lucy asked.
“Just some guy.”
“Oh,” her face lit up, “some guy, eh?”
“Not like that,” he laughed it off, “I’m working with him for my mom’s charity.”
L
ucy narrowed her eyes, a smirk growing across her pretty face. Caden could tell that she didn’t believe him and he wasn’t sure he believed it himself. He felt a pull towards Elias and he was finding it so hard to ignore. He wanted to say it was just the need to help but it felt like something more. You’re only setting yourself up for trouble.
“I need to go,” he jumped up, “thanks for the coffee.”
“Make good choices,” she called after him.
Caden headed across town with haste in his steps and a reluctant smile on his face.
Elias arrived at the address Caden had given him. Standing outside of the cute, wooden family home in the heart of town, he looked up to see signs of movement inside. Do I call again or knock?
When he caught Caden half walking, half jogging toward him, he knew that he had ripped Caden away from something. In the time since jumping out of Rigsy’s car, he had tried to calm down as much as he could. Watching Caden hurry closer, he felt like a fool for even calling him. I don’t need his help.
“Phew, I’m out of shape,” Caden wiped sweat from his cheeks and rearranged his light hair, “I need to start hitting the gym.”
“You were busy?” Elias bit his lip, “It’s okay, I can go -,”
“No, no! I was only with my sister-in-law and I was about to leave anyway. She was trying to open the ex-file. Your call saved me from having to rip off that Band-Aid so I should be thanking you.”
Caden unclipped the gate and headed towards the small house. It was painted white with a small American flag hanging from the porch. Vibrant flowers filled planters under the windows. It wasn’t lavish like the home Elias had grown up in but it had a feeling of home that Elias never had.
“Mom and dad are working,” Elias followed Caden into the house, “So we’ve got the place to ourselves.”
“Cool,” Elias looked around at the modestly decorated house.
On the surface, it looked exactly like the type of place he had imagined Caden would call home. He was sweet and so was the house. Caden grabbed two cans of orange soda from the kitchen and to Elias’ surprise he headed upstairs. Elias followed him to his bedroom, which looked like a nice hotel room filled with boxes and bags.