by Ashley John
“Starving,” Elias smiled back, looking into Caden’s eyes for the first time.
There it was in Caden’s eyes. He knows you tried to kiss him. Elias hoped Caden was going to pretend nothing happened so they could get through the day without any awkwardness.
In a strange and tense silence, they headed towards the town square, which had been completely transformed. If Elias hadn’t known better, he would have thought a rock star was about to perform because everybody in Havenmoore seemed to have turned out. The steps of the town hall had been turned into a makeshift stage, where Havenmoore 106 was broadcasting live. White tents and stalls covered the square from corner to corner, the smell of fish strong and thick in the air. It seemed like a pretty big deal for the town, which made Elias wonder how he had gone his entire life avoiding it.
“Are you ready for your first lobster?” Caden clapped his hands together, rubbing them in excitement.
“Sure,” lobster was the last thing on Elias’ mind.
They approached the square, the buzz of the people drowning out the awkward silence between them. Wandering from stall to stall, they hovered over the different lobster themed products on offer, neither of them approaching. Glancing around the crowd, Elias wondered if the mayor was in the mix somewhere or if she had shown her face and gone back to her office to get away from the locals.
“Can I interest you in a lobster cupcake?” somebody leaned out of their stall, “Made with real lobster!”
“Elias?” Caden looked to him.
“You’ve got to be kidding.”
With a wink and a shrug, Caden pulled out his wallet in exchange for two bright red cupcakes with decorative iced lobsters adorning the top. To his relief, they were filled with sweet red goo and the lobster theme didn’t extend beyond the outside.
“You’ve got a little –,” Caden pointed at Elias’ chin.
Elias was about to reach up and wipe away the frosting but before he could, Caden’s thumb dove in to scoop it up. The contact was brief but it was just as electric as it had always been. Elias watched as Caden wiped it on the empty cupcake wrapper, wondering if Caden had felt it too.
As they headed deeper into the festival, Elias wanted to bring up what had happened at Caden’s house, if only to defuse the underlying tension. He hated to admit that a support worker was the only person he felt like he had in life but it was true. As much as he resented what Caden was there to do, he had grown not to hate him. He was stuck between thinking that was because Caden was gay or just that Caden was a nice guy.
“Hey, Dad,” Caden waved to a balding man who was propped up behind a stall selling freshly cooked lobster chowder, “how’s it going?”
“Slow,” he grumbled, “when did this place become such a circus? People used to come here to eat lobster but now they come to buy the trash people are selling. I saw one woman with lobster claw earrings. Earrings!”
Caden’s dad stretched out, wiping his hands down the front of his apron. He shared the same pearly green eyes as Caden, making the family resemblance striking. Elias felt like he was shrinking into Caden’s shadow but his dad suddenly looked to him, assessing the stranger.
“Dad, this is Elias,” Caden patted Elias on the shoulder, “somebody I’m working with.”
“Buster,” he held his hand out with a cautious smile, “pleasure to meet you.”
“You too,” Elias forced an awkward smile, small talk never being something he was good at.
“I didn’t think you were working today?” Buster looked to Caden, raising an eyebrow.
“Oh, I’m not. Not technically. Elias has never tried lobster before so I thought I’d bring him down here.”
Buster didn’t just look shocked, he looked offended. Scooping two huge ladles of the hot chowder into two plastic bowls, he handed them over, refusing to take Caden’s money when he offered it. Feeling put on the spot, Elias crammed the plastic spoon into his mouth.
“Well?” Buster leaned forward, “What do you think?”
“It’s salty,” Elias chewed the lumps, “and fishy.”
“You young ‘uns,” he sighed, sitting back on his perch, “don’t appreciate good food when it hits you in the face.”
Caden nudged Elias in the ribs with his elbow, forcing Elias to take another mouthful. It wasn’t to his taste at all. His palette was more used to pizza and cheeseburgers but he forced a smile.
“No, it’s good,” he nodded, “takes a while but it’s nice.”
He didn’t even convince himself but Buster closed his eyes and pursed his lips together into a half appreciative smile. They left the stall and carried on walking, Elias ditching the free chowder in the first trashcan he could find.
“He’s usually nicer,” Caden leaned in and whispered, “he’s not big on change.”
“You weren’t supposed to be working today?” Elias asked.
They parked on a bench in front of the town hall, where music was pumping into the crowd from the local radio station.
“I thought we could hang out,” Caden shrugged, “get to know each other better.”
Elias turned to look at him but Caden was squinting into the sun, avoiding his gaze.
“Like, friends?”
“Yeah, friends,” Caden nodded, seeming relieved.
Elias was relieved to. It was as if the tension eased a little, even if he couldn’t help feeling slightly deflated. Why had he even tried to kiss Caden? Maybe it was because he had never really kissed a guy and in that moment he wanted to try it. He wanted to push it further but he didn’t know what to say.
“Isn’t that your sister?” Caden pointed into the crowd.
Elias looked to where he was pointing. His sister and her husband, John, were there, with Kobi by their side. At first, he didn’t want to believe it was Kobi because of how big he had grown since he last saw him.
“We can’t be here,” he stood up, “we need to go.”
“Why, what’s up?” Caden jumped up, “Let’s go over and say hi.”
“No, I need to leave,” he pulled the hood of his jacket over his face, “Ellie doesn’t want me seeing Kobi and I don’t want to give her any reason to hate me anymore.”
“Why?”
“Why do you think?” he laughed, “Would you let an addict near your niece?”
Caden didn’t reply but his silence said it all. Elias attempted to duck into the crowd away from his sister but they’d vanished. He looked around for them, Caden hot on his heels as he tried to keep his face low. He wasn’t running because he didn’t want to see his nephew, he was running because he did want to see him.
“Wait,” Caden pulled Elias back, “we’ve only been here for ten minutes.”
“Ten minutes too long,” he ripped his arm away, “see you around.”
Elias felt the dark cloud descend over his mind, feeling every inch the loser he was. Who was he trying to kid that he could be a normal guy? Maybe that’s why he had tried to kiss Caden, to feel some kind of normal?
Caden called after him, making him look over his shoulder. Ducking deeper into the crowd out of his way, Elias turned back ahead in time to see the back of a sharp black bob colliding with his face.
“Watch it!” she called out.
“Uncle Elias!” Kobi jumped up and down.
Ellie turned around, confusion on her face. Pulling his hood back, he let his sister look at him for a second, hoping she wouldn’t freak out.
“What are you doing here?” she said.
“Lobster,” he mumbled, “I was here with somebody.”
“Oh,” she turned, “John will be back any minute. If he sees you with -,”
“Don’t worry,” Elias avoided Kobi’s excited gaze, “I was trying to get out of here so that we didn’t have to do this.”
“Uncle Elias, Mommy says you’ve been sick. Are you better yet?” Kobi tugged on his sleeve.
Elias looked down at his nephew as he peered under his thick, dark bangs. For a second, it was like l
ooking down at a younger version of himself. The James gene was so strong, John’s side barely got a look in. He looked into those innocent doe eyes, feeling guiltier than ever before. Had he ever looked at his nephew with a sober mind?
“I’m getting better, champ,” Elias crouched down so that he was face to face with Kobi, “how’s school?”
“It’s great, we’re learning about space and rockets and aliens and my teacher broke his wrist. Is that what you’ve done? Is that why you’re sick?”
“No, kid,” Elias laughed, “I’m a different kind of sick, but I don’t want you to worry about that. I need to go, okay?”
Kobi’s excitement lessened, breaking Elias further. It wasn’t fair on him either way. Elias knew that Ellie was only doing what she thought was best and he was sure that John was dictating from behind the scenes. John had always hated Elias and he never understood why Ellie gave him so many chances. Elias didn’t understand why Ellie had given him so many chances either, but she did. Deep down, he knew it was a twin thing.
“Mommy said I can’t see you until you’re better,” he whispered, looking down to the ground, “I miss you.”
“I miss you too,” Elias ruffled his hair, “It won’t be long.”
He looked up to Ellie who was looking down at him with a mixture of anger and the same upset Elias was feeling. She was giving him a look that screamed ‘don’t you dare make any false promises’, so Elias decided to leave it there. He hugged Kobi, who didn’t seem to want to let go of his neck.
“C’mon, Kobi,” she pulled him away, “daddy will be wondering where we are.”
“Okay,” he sulked, “bye Uncle Elias.”
“See ya around,” Elias tried to smile for Kobi’s benefit but the second he was gone, he couldn’t maintain it.
Anger bubbled up from within but instead of being angry with everyone else like usual, he was angry with himself.
“You okay?” he wiped away a tear when he heard Caden right behind him.
“How long have you been there?” he mumbled, not turning around.
“Long enough.”
They stood in silence for a couple of seconds and he felt the tickle of Caden’s lobster breath on the back of his neck. They were so close and silent as the busy crowd swallowed them up.
“You don’t have to try so hard to be the good guy,” Caden said.
Elias turned around, confused by what he meant, “What?”
“Seeing you with him, it’s clear you care for him. You don’t have to fake being a good guy because you are one.”
Elias only half understood what Caden was saying. Furrowing his brow, he bit into his piercing, wondering if he should still head back to his apartment alone. Looking around at the festival, he knew he didn’t want to spend any more time there.
“Do you want to come back to my place for coffee?” Elias sighed, “I have nothing better to do today and it turns out I don’t care that much for lobster.”
“Sure,” Caden smiled, “coffee sounds good, but can I make it this time?”
“What’s wrong with my coffee?”
“Nothing, I just didn’t sleep for three days after drinking it,” Caden winked with a playful smile, “I’ll get some nice cupcakes from the bakery too.”
Side by side, they broke through the crowd and headed towards Elias’ apartment. Watching Caden through the bakery window as he paid the guy behind the counter, he felt strangely motivated. Seeing Kobi was the assurance that he needed to know he was ready to change and he knew Caden was the person to help him through it.
***
“You’ve been cleaning,” Caden dumped the tray of cupcakes on the coffee table as he looked around at the apartment, “I’m impressed.”
There were mugs with left over coffee in the bottom of the sink but aside from that, he could tell that Elias had actually put in some effort to keep on top of things. It was a sign of progress and Caden felt a strange sense of satisfaction that he had helped him get there.
“I’ve got nothing else to do,” Elias headed to the refrigerator, “TV has lost its appeal.”
“You need to get a hobby.”
Caden watched as Elias opened the refrigerator. All of the beer bottles were still there, which was a good sign. He either hadn’t touched them or he had been out to buy more but from the look in Elias’ eyes, he looked pretty sober.
He watched as Elias reached inside, his hand hovering over the beer. Just when Caden thought he was about to pluck two out, he reached for two soda cans, tossing one towards him.
“Hobbies are for dorks,” Elias leaned across the counter while Caden hovered on the other side, “what would I do?”
“Are you artistic?”
“Do I look artistic?” he arched his dark brows, his tongue playing with the ring in his lip.
Whenever he did that, it made Caden’s stomach flutter but he decided to ignore it, forcing his eyes to make contact with Elias.
“Can you sing?”
“Can you?”
“No,” Caden laughed, “my hobby is writing.”
“How’s the book coming along?”
“It’s coming,” he lied, not wanting to admit that he hadn’t even opened his laptop since arriving in Havenmoore.
Half of the reason was because he was terrified to pick up his book, fearing that he had forgotten how to write. He knew if he didn’t try, he couldn’t fail, even if it meant his manuscript lay on his hard drive, tormenting him every time he looked at the laptop’s white shell. The other reason was because he was avoiding social media at all costs. He had deleted all of the social apps on his phone, wanting no connection to the life he had left behind in New York. He didn’t want to know about Suzie’s new haircut or Mindy’s new apartment with a great view and he especially didn’t want to know how quickly Finn was moving on without him. With his fingers firmly in his ears, he knew how hypocritical it was to attempt to help Elias move on with his life when he was looking toward his thirtieth birthday as the end of his life.
“What about reading? Do you like that?”
“I didn’t even read my high school books,” he sipped his soda, “that’s probably why I never got my diploma.”
“You didn’t?” Caden was shocked, “Why don’t you try and do that? There’s a night school at Havenmoore High helping adults who never got their diploma. That’d be great for you.”
Elias recoiled, disgusted at the idea. He didn’t instantly dismiss it because Caden could sense the cogs turning in the back of Elias’ mind.
“No thanks,” he shook his head with an awkward smile, “not my thing.”
“Think about it! It’ll help you get a job so you can stand on your own two feet. How are you keeping this roof over your head?”
“How do you think?” Elias walked around the counter and headed towards the couch, “Mommy is paying for everything.”
Caden followed him, confused as to why she would be doing that. He knew she had fixed up the apartment for him for when he got out of rehab, but everything his own mom had told him about the mayor seemed to conflict with the idea that she was helping Elias.
“Have you guys gotten closer?” Caden asked, sitting next to Elias.
“Ha! No,” he rolled his eyes, “this is her way of dealing with the situation. She thinks if she has me under her thumb, she’s got some control over what’s happening with my life.”
“Isn’t that motivation enough to get your diploma? You could get a job and pay your own way. Wouldn’t that be a good start?”
Elias stared dead ahead, his eyes glazing over slightly. He didn’t look as disgusted this time and Caden could definitely hear the cogs turning. He knew getting Elias into a program would give him something to focus on and that’s clearly what he needed.
“Maybe,” he mumbled reluctantly.
“I’m not saying you have to,” Caden nudged Elias with his shoulder, “think about it. I’ll make some calls to see what’s out there for you. There must be something you want
to do with your life. Where do you see yourself in ten years?”
“I never saw myself making it this far alive, so I never got around to the whole ten year plan.”
“We’ll figure something out for you.”
Elias flicked to look at Caden for a second, his lips pursed. He seemed reluctant to let anybody interfere with his life like that but he knew that the lure to get out of his mother’s grip was something he clearly wanted.
“Thank you,” Elias mumbled as he played with the pull ring on the top of the soda can, “you could be hanging out with your own friends right now.”
“What friends?” Caden laughed, “They’re all back in New York and I don’t even know if they’re my friends anymore. They were his friends first. I’ve never really been good at making friends. I always seem to trust the wrong people. My mom said I was always too nice for my own good and I’m starting to think she’s right. I’ve let people take advantage of me one too many times.”
“That just shows you care about people,” Elias said, “that’s not a negative, man. That’s a good thing.”
“I guess,” he sighed, “but look where it got me.”
“It could be worse. You could be me.”
Elias winked playfully and they both laughed but deep down, Caden felt like he was in just as much of a mess as Elias. Life was happening all around him, passing him by. He was itching to do something, to start something new but the security and safety of hiding in Havenmoore was the only thing keeping him sane.
“At least I’ve made one friend,” Caden sipped his drink.
“Who’s that?”
“You,” he laughed, “I meant it earlier. I know I’m your support worker but that doesn’t mean I can’t be your friend too. I won’t be your support worker forever.”
“And you still want to be friends after that?”
“I’d like that,” Caden smiled.
Elias rolled his head on the couch, a soft smile on his face telling Caden that he would like it too. Caden thought back to the moment in his bedroom where he had been so sure that Elias was trying to kiss him. Caden had put it down to confusion or misplaced affection but as they looked into each other’s eyes, he felt like they were looking beyond the surface. There was so much pain and sadness in those dark eyes and he could feel his own pain reflected.