by Ashley John
“Can I tell you something?” Elias whispered, his lips barely moving, “I’ve never told anyone before.”
He edged forward, his hot breath trembling on Caden’s face.
“What is it?” Caden swallowed hard, his eyes flicking between Elias’ lips and eyes.
“I – I’m – I-,” he stuttered.
Caden felt his own head moving closer to Elias. He didn’t know what was pulling him, but something was. It was so strong, it blurred all lines of reason and logic. Closing his eyes, he closed the gap and he felt the softest touch of Elias’ lips pushing against his.
It was magnetic and electric, forbidden but right. A voice in his head was telling him to stop what he was doing but the feeling in his gut was telling him to carry on. He felt his mouth open slowly, his breath trembling against Elias’ lips. A hand brushed up his thigh, squeezing his flesh tightly.
Pushing his face into Elias’, he let his tongue slowly move against Elias’. Something twitched below and Elias’ hand made its way deeper into the inside of his leg.
“What am I doing?” Caden whispered, almost to himself.
“It’s fine,” Elias whispered back.
Caden let the kiss continue for a couple of seconds but the spell broke instantly when he felt Elias’ fingers start to fiddle with the buttons on the front of his tight jeans.
“No,” Caden jumped up, “this is wrong. I’m sorry. I overstepped the line.”
“Wait, Caden,” Elias flopped against the couch, something solid snaking down the inside of his own jeans, “just -,”
“I should go,” Caden couldn’t look at Elias.
He grabbed his denim jacket, not bothering to put it on. Heading straight for the door, he turned back to see Elias standing, his hands behind his head and his tight white t-shirt floating above his naval, exposing the dark trail down to the elastic waistband of his underwear. Despite everything, he felt a raw attraction towards Elias and words couldn’t explain it. That’s why he knew he needed to go.
“Mom,” he pressed his cellphone into his ear, “I think there’s a problem. I’ve done something stupid.”
Elias spent the weekend tossing and turning, failing to sleep for more than a couple of hours. The kiss was weighing heavily on his mind and he had found himself propped up in the dark and staring at Caden’s cell number more than once. He wanted to call, to tell him to forget anything had happened but he didn’t want to forget it.
Elias didn’t know what to expect from a kiss. He had obviously seen people doing it and he had obviously kissed people before but never like that. Elias had never felt such passion and heat in such a short space of time. He had wanted it to last forever. When Caden ended things and ran out, he felt like he was left hanging.
Caden was his support worker so he didn’t know what he was expecting from him. He was the first person and the first man who had ever treated Elias like he was just a normal guy and he liked that. He liked feeling like just another person in the crowd and not somebody at the bottom of the pit.
After a weekend of pacing his apartment, Monday morning rolled around and he found himself cleaning up, awaiting Caden’s arrival. He felt like a fool as he quickly washed through the dirty dishes, as if hoping that Caden seeing how much he was trying would make everything better. He felt like a dog jumping for a toy.
There was a knock at the door and just from the knuckles rapping on the wood he knew there was something wrong. They were lighter and softer. Maybe he thinks I’m asleep?
“One minute,” he called down, wiping his soapy hands on an old t-shirt that had been tossed in front of the washing machine.
Pausing at the top of the stairs, he took a deep breath as he slowly closed his eyes, promising that he was going to open up to Caden. Maybe if he knew Elias was gay too it would fix things? Even if he just kept the promise of friendship, that would be enough for Elias. His eyes had been opened up to a whole new world and he wanted to explore more of it. He wanted to feel what it was like to really have somebody care about him; whether he was happy or not.
He opened the door and he saw the flame red hair but it wasn’t on top of Caden’s head. The hue was stronger and it belonged to a short woman in a white blouse and a pair of faded jeans.
“What?” he snapped, “What do you want?”
“Elias, isn’t it?” she smiled, “I’m Claire. I’m from Helping Hands Outreach.”
She tapped the badge on her chest and held out her hand with a warm smile but Elias ignored it. Poking his head over her shoulder, he shot up and down the alley to see if Caden was behind her. He was bitterly disappointed.
“Where’s Caden?”
“There’s been a change of plan,” her smile wobbled and it widened, “I’m your new support worker.”
In a stunned silence, he stepped to the side and let Claire squeeze past him so she could head upstairs. Her perfume was sweet and sickly and it turned his stomach. Slamming the door, he took the stairs two at a time and bolted into his apartment to see Claire already making herself comfortable on his couch as she opened a file on her knee.
“Let’s see,” she mumbled, “where are we at with you?”
“No, this isn’t right,” he laughed, “there must have been a mix up. Where’s my usual guy, Caden?”
She turned the files with a smile, her eyes trained on the paper but clearly not reading the words. Immediately, he knew there was something she wasn’t going to tell him.
“It’s quite normal for us to switch,” she patted on the couch next to him, “c’mon, sit. We’ve got a lot of stuff to get through.”
Elias did as he was told and he sat in the corner of the couch, as far away from Claire as he could. His mind was working a thousand miles a second as he tried to piece together what was going on. Why isn’t he here?
“So, have you tried looking for a job yet?” she asked rather formally.
Immediately, he got the impression that things with Claire were going to be very different than they had with Caden. Half of the reason he had grown to like Caden was because he kept the official and formal stuff to a minimum. It felt like hanging out with a pal – and look where that got you.
“No,” he frowned, “I don’t understand. Where’s Caden?”
She half smiled and softly closed the file.
“Listen,” she sighed heavily, “sometimes there’s a compatibility issue. It’s nobody’s fault.”
“A ‘compatibility issue’? He quit?”
Her eyes narrowed, slightly confused, letting him know that she didn’t know about their brief kiss.
“We’ve swapped,” she said, “my son thought I could help you better. I have more experience and -,”
“Son?” he laughed, “Oh, this is brilliant.”
“Has something happened?”
“No,” he snapped, “let’s just get this over with.”
Claire started rattling through the paperwork but Elias tuned out. He felt used and tossed aside. Caden had been so full of promises to help, to get him on the right track but he had thrown him to the side like an old taco the second the heat turned up. He wasn’t mad that he wasn’t going to get help from Caden, he was mad that he had believed him. I trusted him, I let my guard down to him and I never do that.
“I need the bathroom,” he jumped up and ran to the bathroom, locking the door behind him.
Staring at his reflection in the mirror, he splashed cold water on his face and watched as it dripped into the sink below. The bags under his eyes had calmed and the whites of his eyes were actually white for once. Even his skin had some color. I can’t let it just end like this.
Frantically staring around the bathroom, he looked to the frosted window. Unlatching it, he yanked it open and stared down at the dark alley below. There was a fire escape for the bakery but it was too far to his right. He stared up at the sky, it’s cloudless and bright blue vibrancy shining down on him. Hitting his hands against the frame, he cried out, his screams echoing back at him.
“Everything okay in there?”
Elias looked down at the alley again. The dumpster was directly under his window on the other side of the alley. He knew if he got the angle right, he could land on top of it. I’ve seen Spiderman, how hard can this be? Climbing up onto the window ledge, he looked down at the alley below, knowing he could have a long way to fall if he misjudged it.
With a metal bang, he landed on the lid of the dumpster in a squat, his knees crying out.
“What are you doing?” the baker appeared in the doorway, “Get out of there before I call the police.”
“Call them,” Elias slid off the lid and onto the ground, dusting down his clothes.
Grabbing his cellphone, he pulled up the address Caden had texted him and headed across town, not giving a second glance to his apartment.
***
Caden told his brother more than he would have liked. Bruce smoked three cigarettes in quick succession, as he listened to Caden spill his secrets. He had started talking, not knowing what he was going to say but the second he mentioned the kiss, his tongue couldn't be silenced.
“Do you like this guy?” Bruce lit another cigarette, “Or is he just a rebound? It happens, y’know.”
“I wish I knew,” he wondered what effect one of his brother’s beloved cigarettes would have on him right now, “have I done the right thing?”
“Getting Mom to take over your job?”
Caden nodded and he could already see that Bruce thought he was a coward. I feel like a coward. He had toyed with all of the different scenarios in his mind of what could happen next but he could never escape that he was put in a position to help a vulnerable man and he knew he was taking advantage of him. Is this what being with one guy for five years in New York does to a man? Maybe it wasn't so unusual that Finn strayed. That was with your best friend. Was that any worse than what Caden had done?
“Did he push you off? Throw you out?”
Shaking his head, Caden wished that Elias had objected to the kiss. It would have made things easier for him. Elias’ lack of reaction and total submission only served as further confusion. Something self-pitying was about to leave his lips but a firm knock on the front door derailed his thoughts. Bruce stood but Caden hurried for the door, glad of the distraction.
When he saw Elias standing in his doorway, he wished he had let his brother take this one, “Elias, what are you doing here?”
“I could ask you the same thing,” his voice was filled with venom.
Sensing confrontation, Caden slipped out of the house, closing the door. Bruce would understand. Dragging Elias around the side of the house, they stood awkwardly in the shade of his mother's small greenhouse.
“You shouldn't have come here,” Caden forced professionalism.
“You shouldn't have blown me off,” Elias’ voice rose, “sending your mom to clean up your leftovers?”
“You're not leftovers,” Caden knew that Elias didn't understand why he had to do what he had done, not that he expected him to; I don't know what I've done.
“I thought you wanted to help me,” a cold laugh left Elias’ throat as he pushed himself against the wood of the house.
Caden caught Bruce's reflection in the glass of the greenhouse as he peered through the kitchen drapes. He was sensitive enough to leave them to fix their own problems.
“That's why I can't work with you. I want to help you but I can't.”
“Why?” Elias demanded.
Because I want to kiss you again? Because I can't control myself? Because my life is a mess and I'm dragging you into it?
“I just can't.”
Shaking his head, Elias’ fingers combed through his black scruff as he stared up at the cloudless sky, “This always happens. I always get palmed off onto someone else.”
“It's not like that!”
“So, what's it like?” Elias turned to face Caden, his pale skin ghostly in the shadows, “Because I'm tired of trying to figure out where I keep going wrong in this mess you people call a life. I thought you said we could be friends.”
“We can, when you're better.”
“You don't think I'm better?”
“That’s not what I meant!”
Caden knew that Elias had been trying hard to stay clean and he felt like he had had some impact there but he knew how easy it was for addicts to slip back at the snap of a finger. There was no cure, just a constant battle.
“I'm not good for you.”
“People are always telling me what's not good for me,” he laughed a laugh so empty it made Caden’s hairs stand on end, “it'd be nice if I could decide that for myself.”
“I'm sorry,” Caden mumbled, “I should never have let myself get so close to you. Maybe we wouldn't have -,”
Stopping to read Elias’ expression, he couldn't tell what he thought of the kiss. Was Elias trying to ignore it for the sake of keeping the only friend he had ever made, or was it all he was thinking about?
“There's something I didn't tell you,” Elias lowered his eyes to the ground, “we're not so different.”
Puzzled, Caden turned and leaned against the greenhouse to face Elias. He caught his brother in the window, shaking his head at Caden as if to ask what was going on. Caden widened his eyes at his brother and he backed away from the window.
“What do you mean?”
“I'm like you,” he sighed heavily, “I just didn't know how to tell you.”
“Like me how?”
“Gay,” he snapped, “I'm gay too.”
Caden forced his body harder against the glass. He couldn't decide if he should be shocked or not. To look at Elias, he looked like any other guy, but he knew it wasn't that cut and dry any more.
“Okay,” Caden nodded.
It was Elias’ turn to look confused and Caden knew why. Elias probably thought his sexuality would magically change things but it didn't stop Caden feeling like he had abused his position. He wasn't a bad guy but he felt like one around Elias, and he hated that.
“When you kissed me, I-,”
“It doesn't change anything,” Caden whispered, “you and me can't happen.”
“But, I-,”
“I'm your support worker!” Caden almost shouted, “I should never have let it get to this situation. I just wanted to help you. That's all. Just to help.”
Elias’ dark eyes danced all over Caden’s body. He braced himself for a punch, knowing that if Elias did lash out at him, he deserved it. Do it, I won’t duck. His fists clenched by his side and Caden readied himself, but the fist didn’t meet Caden, it met the wall. There was a crack and a split, but it wasn’t the wooden panels, it was Elias’ knuckles. Blood spurted from the fresh cuts and Caden wanted nothing more than to swoop in and help.
“Why did you do that?”
“Because! There’s so much I want to say, but I – I don’t know how. I’m not good at this talking thing. I can’t get the thoughts from in here,” he tapped a finger on the side of his head, “to come out of my mouth. Not in the right way. Not ever.”
“I’m sorry, I -,”
“When you didn’t turn up this morning,” Elias carried on, “I was so angry. I even cleaned up, ready for you. When I saw your mom, I felt like you’d just given up on me. It sounds so childish, this is why I never say what I think, what I feel. I just – ugh – I just wanted to see you. That’s all I wanted to do this morning. I didn’t want to score, I didn’t want to drink, I just wanted to see you. To talk, to fix things, to -,”
Stopping himself, Elias looked up to the sky and let out a small laugh. Caden could feel that Elias was wondering why he was even trying. Caden was just another person full of false promises and he couldn’t believe he had done that to somebody so fragile. Can’t you see the hurt you’re already causing?
“I wanted to see you too,” Caden stepped forward, “but that’s why I couldn’t come. You’re in a place in your life right now, and whatever this is, it can’t happen.”
“
What place? This is the longest I’ve been clean since I was a kid.”
It was Caden’s turn to feel like he couldn’t get the right words out of his mouth; the words to make Elias see that a kiss and whatever that kiss would lead to wasn’t a good idea for either of them. Drugs, ex-boyfriends, rebounding and secrets weren’t the foundations for a new life, for either of them. Havenmoore was supposed to have been a break away from the complications but it was only creating more. Looking deep into Elias’ eyes, he felt selfish for even wanting to push him away, even if he knew it was the right thing to do.
“You’ll be better without me,” Caden looked to the ground, “this is too complicated, for both of us. I’ll be your friend, but I can’t be any more than that.”
The muscles in Elias’ jaw tightened and his brows furrowed so deeply, his eyes were nothing more than shadows. He lingered, looking like there was something important and painful on the end of his tongue. Instead of speaking, he broke away, clutching his hand.
“Elias, you can come inside to get your hand -,”
A bloody middle finger over the shoulder shut Caden up. He watched as Elias ignored the gate to jump over the fence before setting off at a sprint along the road.
If this is the right thing to do, why does it feel so wrong?
Lingering outside of the doctor’s office, Elias hid in the shadows, pulling his hood over his head. It had been days since he had confronted Caden but he was still in his system. Lust was a stronger drug than Elias had ever experienced and the withdrawal from the thrill was the hardest cold turkey he had ever attempted.
If he understood it, it would be easier to explain away. On the surface, it was one kiss from a man he barely knew, but when he started to dig, it was a blur. A blur of bright colors, wild ideas and crazy notions he had never had before. It was akin to insanity and nothing numbed it.
He watched as Ronda headed out, pulling her purse tightly over her shoulder. She looked around before ducking into her car and driving off. The lights were still on inside so he knew his sister was still in there. He thought about waiting for her to come out but what he wanted was in there with her. Pulling the hood lower over his eyes, he slid through the door silently.