Kindred Hearts

by Grace Lowrie

  Once back in Turnham Green I had the uneasy feeling I was being watched. I hugged my bag tight and kept my head down as I hurried to my front door, even though I couldn’t see anyone suspicious. My edgy mood was probably just a lingering side effect of my fall. Safely inside my sparse little flat I drew the curtains, peeled off my sullied clothes and took a long hot shower. As exhaustion spread heavily through my limbs. I barely managed to eat half a slice of toast before collapsing on my bed and into a restless slumber.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  I was awoken abruptly by the doorbell, my heart hammering in my chest. My bedside clock said 23:45 and I scowled and grumbled as I stumbled around in the dark on my way to the door. I was just about to open it when my common sense kicked in.

  ‘Who is it?’ I called through the door.

  There was a long pause and I wondered if whoever it was had already gone, but then a low voice muttered, ‘It’s me.’ I recognised the sound immediately, my stomach somersaulting as I scrabbled to unlock the door.

  I found Sebastian lurking in the shadows, dressed casually in jeans and a sweatshirt, his car parked on a double yellow line at the kerb. His expression was tense, his eyes impassive, his mouth set in a line.

  ‘Hey,’ I said.

  ‘Is this a bad time?’

  ‘No, come in.’ I opened the door wider and he took in my bed-hair, faded Hard Rock Cafe T-shirt, Elastoplastered knees, and bare feet.

  ‘Are you sure?’ he muttered.

  ‘Of course. As long as you excuse the state of the place; I’m afraid it’s not up to the levels of comfort you’re used to.’ I smiled wryly but he didn’t smile back.

  He followed me up the narrow stairs, closing the front door behind us and I realised I was too tired to care what he thought of my flat, I was more concerned about whatever was bothering him. I switched on the lamp on the breakfast bar rather than the stark overhead light. When I turned back to him he was standing in the doorway, stooping slightly due to his height, glancing around from beneath his dark eyebrows. He looked too big for the room. Maybe it was the low light, or Sebastian’s uncharacteristic hesitancy, or maybe it was just my delayed shock, but suddenly I desperately wanted to hold him. I took three short steps to reach him, took his cold hands in my warm ones, ignored the spark, and looked up into his face.

  ‘I’ve missed you,’ I said sincerely.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes.’ Sebastian studied my face but didn’t say anything. ‘It was just a coincidence, you know, seeing you today, I didn’t know your office was there. I’m sorry I interrupted your meeting.’

  ‘Don’t be,’ he said, withdrawing his hands from mine. I waited but he didn’t volunteer anything more.

  ‘Come and sit down.’ As I sat on my two-seater I automatically tried to draw my legs up underneath me and winced as the fabric grazed my knees.

  ‘Are you sure you’re OK?’ Sebastian asked, his tone softening as he dropped to a crouch in front of me to meet my eye line.

  ‘I’m sure – I’ve had worse. It was lucky I bumped into Dan though, or I’d have had to stagger home all bloodied.’

  ‘You bumped into him?’

  ‘Oh, not literally, it wasn’t him who knocked me over. He recognised me from across the street.’

  ‘So you weren’t with him?’

  ‘What? No, why would I be …?’ Sebastian was studying me, his own face unreadable. Suddenly the penny dropped. ‘Is that what you thought? That I was seeing Dan?’ I asked, astonished.

  Sebastian shrugged slightly. ‘I know he likes you.’

  ‘But … I would have told you if I was.’

  ‘OK, it’s just … I hadn’t seen you in a while and I wasn’t sure …’ he tailed off.

  ‘Would it be a problem if I dated one of your colleagues?’

  ‘No, of course not, but I …’ Sebastian looked uncomfortable. ‘I was surprised, that’s all.

  I gawped at Sebastian in confusion. Was this gorgeous, sexy man jealous? Why? He’d made it abundantly clear he didn’t want to be with me …

  ‘Obviously I got it wrong. I’m sorry,’ he said, reaching up to my chin and nudging my mouth closed. ‘Why is your phone switched off?’ he asked, distracting me from my thoughts.

  ‘Oh crap, I forgot about that,’ I mumbled, grabbing my bag off the floor and groping about for my phone. ‘It got broken when I fell.’ I passed it to Sebastian and he looked at it glumly. ‘Was that really what was bothering you?’ I asked.

  ‘I don’t know,’ he said.

  I gazed into the troubled blue of Sebastian’s eyes and I wondered – not for the first time – whether anyone else ever saw this side of him, so unsettled, so unsure.

  ‘I should go,’ he said, abruptly standing.

  ‘Please, don’t.’ I scrambled to my feet. Sebastian’s mixed signals made my head spin, but now that he was here I couldn’t bear the thought of being alone.

  ‘Natasha, it’s late and you’re tired and bruised, you need to sleep.’

  ‘OK, but please stay? Celeste is in Paris until tomorrow isn’t she? And I … I don’t want to be on my own,’ I confessed.

  Sebastian’s expression softened but he looked undecided. ‘I don’t –’

  ‘We won’t do anything, just sleep,’ I interrupted, ‘Just stay, please?’

  ‘OK,’ he said wearily, ‘I’ll sleep on the couch.’

  ‘But it’s too small.’

  ‘I’ll sleep on the floor then,’ Sebastian shrugged.

  ‘I can’t let you do that – sleep on the bed – I promise I won’t touch you,’ I said, unable to keep from smiling at the ridiculousness of the situation.

  Sebastian almost smiled back.

  As I got back into bed, Sebastian stripped down to his boxers and T-shirt and then climbed in with a bemused expression while I stifled a smirk. We lay on our sides, facing each other but not touching. It was surreal, him being right there in my bed. The only other person who’d been there was his sister. I quietly savoured the sight and smell of him, committing him to memory as he stared back at me.

  ‘Close your eyes,’ he said.

  I did as he instructed.

  ‘This reminds me of that night in Brighton, do you remember?’ Sebastian murmured.

  I blinked and nodded drowsily in the dim light.

  ‘Eyes closed,’ he growled.

  ‘OK, OK …’ I sighed. I was struggling to hold my eyelids open anyway. I waited patiently in the hope Sebastian would talk to me some more, his deep voice warm and reassuring.

  ‘I lay awake all night just watching you …’ he said, ‘… I had to leave before you woke up because I had a hard-on the size of my arm.’

  I giggled, surprised and thrilled by his confession, but I didn’t comment, I just kept my eyes closed and listened to his steady breathing, gradually sinking in to a deep sleep.

  I dreamt that I was back at The Grand Hotel in Brighton, that I was sharing a bed with Celeste and that she was inconsolable, sobbing loudly. I begged her to tell me what was wrong and eventually she told me that Sebastian had left, for good – that we’d never see him again. And then I cried too as pain sliced through me. I somehow knew that it is my fault he had left. I tried to comfort Celeste but it was no good. The pain and guilt felt so real that I surfaced in the dark, my pillow damp with tears, a hollow ache in my chest.

  I rolled over and there he was – Sebastian – sleeping peacefully on his back beside me, one arm thrown up over his head. The relief was overwhelming. It was just a dream. I hadn’t driven him away – yet.

  As morning light seeped into the room I let my gaze roam greedily over Sebastian’s devastatingly handsome form; his dark unruly hair, stubbly jaw, sensuous mouth; lips slightly parted, the curve of his biceps, the steady rise and fall of his firm chest … and the outline of his erection tenting the covers. I couldn’t help wondering what he was dreaming about and fervently hoping that it was me. I wanted him; I wanted to climb on top of him and remind him how g
ood were together. I knew that Sebastian didn’t want a relationship and I suspected that Celeste wouldn’t like it either, but whenever I was around him …

  Before I could work up the nerve to try anything Sebastian shifted and glanced at me.

  ‘What are you doing?’ he murmured.

  ‘Just admiring you,’ I said shyly.

  He looked at me uncertainly for a moment but he quickly replaced his expression with his usual look of cool confidence. He glanced at his watch, ‘I should go, do you mind if I quickly use your bathroom?’ he asked politely as he rose to his feet. I shook my head mutely, irrationally disappointed that we had successfully managed to spend the night together without jeopardising our friendship. Sebastian disappeared into the shower room, closing the door behind him, and it occurred to me that he must be used to waking up in strangers bedrooms – what with all the one night stands he had. The thought depressed me.

  ‘Are you coming over to our place after work?’ Sebastian asked as he watched me pull on a cardigan from the relative safety of my kitchen.

  ‘Actually, no – I’m catching a train down to Brighton tonight, my friend Sam’s baby is being christened tomorrow.’ A flicker of concern crossed Sebastian’s brow as I started to brush my hair. ‘Why?’

  ‘Does Celeste know?’

  ‘I think so. I’m not sure, I can’t remember if I mentioned it or not.’

  ‘She was really looking forward to seeing you … I think she’s missing you,’ Sebastian added.

  ‘I miss her too.’ I set down my hairbrush and picked up some hair grips. ‘But I promised Sam I’d be there. I’ll be back tomorrow night.’ Sebastian still looked concerned so I moved over to him. ‘You worry too much,’ I said softly, ‘I’ll call Celeste and explain – she’ll understand.’

  ‘We need to get you a new phone then.’ Sebastian swiped my broken mobile from the coffee table.

  ‘Oh, yeah,’ I glanced at my watch. ‘I’ll nip out in my lunch break and get one, I haven’t got time now.’

  ‘No, I have a better idea – there’s a phone shop a few doors down, I’ll go get you one now and then drive you to work.’ Sebastian’s easy confidence made me smile – I wasn’t used to having someone look after me.

  ‘Thank you, I’ll pay you back.’

  Sebastian rolled his eyes. ‘Don’t be silly, I’ll meet you outside in ten minutes.’ Before I could say another word he had disappeared down the stairs and I returned to the mirror smiling to myself. I could get used to this.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Once we had polished off a delicious home-cooked meal, Sam, Rick, and I retired to the sitting room with our drinks. Sam’s husband Rick was a balding, heavy-set landscaper, with an enduring Geordie accent and a heart of gold. He settled in his favourite beat-up armchair while Sam and I curled up on the sofa listening to baby Alexander’s occasional snores and sighs through the baby monitor. We’d been chatting for hours – I’d been filled in on all of Alex’s little foibles and in return I’d told them about work. Rick and Sam had proposed a family day trip to London to visit my exhibition and I’d promised to treat them all to lunch in return.

  ‘You look amazing, Tash,’ Sam said. ‘You seem so happy. Are you sure you don’t have a boyfriend? Maybe someone at the museum?’

  I laughed self-consciously. ‘No, but I have been going out more. Do you remember my friend Celeste? – I think I’ve mentioned her to you before, we were best friends at school and then her parents died suddenly in an accident and she moved abroad.’

  ‘Oh yes, I remember. Didn’t she turn up in Brighton one night when we were in The Beach Club?’ I nodded and Sam laughed. ‘God – The Beach Club! That takes me back – you should have seen us, Rick! All skin-tight clothes and sexy dance moves … you wouldn’t have stood a chance!’ she chuckled.

  ‘I can well believe it,’ Rick grimaced light-heartedly and got to his feet. ‘Anyone want another drink?’

  ‘No thanks,’ Sam and I responded in unison.

  ‘OK, sorry, carry on,’ Sam prompted once Rick was out of sight.

  ‘Yeah, well anyway, Celeste has moved back to London. She doesn’t live far from me and we’ve been hanging out again, just like old times.’ Well, not quite like old times.

  ‘That’s great, what does she do?’

  ‘She’s a fashion designer – she’s Senior Assistant at Fable Grace,’ I said unable to keep the pride from my voice.

  ‘Wow,’ Sam breathed, her eyes round. ‘Does she get freebies?’

  ‘Yeah, sometimes,’ I said. ‘My wardrobe has improved dramatically.’

  ‘I bet!’ Sam laughed.

  ‘Yes, she’s amazing, really talented and so much fun to be around, and she knows so many people …’

  ‘That’s great, Tash, it’s about time you had a decent social life. I was worried about you for a while – ever since you moved back to London all you ever seemed to do was work.’

  ‘Yeah well, life is pretty good now,’ I admitted.

  Rick came back into the room with a fresh bottle of beer. ‘Is that your mobile I can hear ringing in the other room?’

  ‘Oh, crap, probably, yes, sorry,’ I hastily got to my feet, hurried through the hall into the dining room and rooted around in my handbag for my new phone. I was dismayed to see that I’d missed six calls, all from Celeste, and my stomach flipped in panic. Something was wrong. I hit speed dial and she picked up after the first ring.

  ‘Tasha?’ her voice echoed slightly.

  ‘Celeste, are you OK?’

  ‘No, darling, I miss you … when are you coming home?’ She sounded drunk.

  I sagged in relief. ‘I miss you too,’ I said lowering my voice. ‘But I’ll be back tomorrow evening.’

  Celeste sighed dramatically, the sound of water sloshing in the background. ‘What time?’ she said and I could hear her pout.

  ‘I should be there by nine at the latest. Where are you, Celeste?’

  ‘In the bath – naked,’ she said, a seductive edge to her voice.

  My face heated, even though no one could hear our conversation. ‘Celeste, how much have you had to drink?’

  ‘Mmm, not enough!’ She giggled and anxiety started to nag at me. That bath was easily big enough to drown in.

  ‘Where’s Sebastian?’

  ‘I don’t know, darling, somewhere downstairs probably. Hey, are you with your friend, Sam?’

  ‘She’s in the other room, why?’

  ‘She’s the blonde one isn’t she? I saw a picture of her in your bedroom.’

  ‘Yes, why?’

  ‘She’s very pretty,’ Celeste said sadly.

  ‘Yes she is, but –’

  ‘And you’ve known her a long time – you used to live together – you must be very close.’

  ‘Celeste, please …’ I said lowering my voice even further to make sure I couldn’t be overheard. ‘You know Sam is a good friend, that’s all, she’s happily married and I’m here for her baby son, you know that.’

  Celeste didn’t say anything but I thought she might be crying.

  ‘Celeste what’s wrong? This isn’t like you, has something happened?’

  ‘No,’ she said morosely.

  I took a deep breath. ‘Celeste, I love you,’ I said simply.

  ‘Do you, darling?’ she whispered.

  ‘You know I do, I can hardly wait to see you tomorrow.’

  ‘Me too,’ she sniffed.

  ‘Will you do something for me?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Will you get out of the bath and go to bed?’

  ‘OK.’ Her voice was small but I thought she had stopped crying.

  ‘OK, good. I have to go now, Celeste, sweet dreams.’

  ‘Sweet dreams, darling.’

  I hung up feeling tired and anxious; it was disconcerting hearing Celeste sound so utterly vulnerable. I quickly rang Sebastian – I told him that I was worried about Celeste – that she was drunk and emotional and I asked him to wait a few minut
es and then check on her. His calm, sober, no-nonsense attitude reassured me completely and he thanked me before hanging up.

  ‘Everything alright?’ Sam asked when I returned to the living room.

  ‘Yeah fine, it was just Celeste checking what time I’ll be back tomorrow, we’re meant to be meeting for a drink.’

  ‘Oh, you’re not staying for dinner?’

  ‘No, I’ll stay for dinner, but I’ll have to dash off quickly afterwards I’m afraid.’

  ‘OK, no worries. I hope he’s worth it!’ Sam said with a knowing grin.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Alex was blessed with dry, sunny weather for his Christening, even if it was blustery enough to whip everybody’s hair into a frenzy – I suspected the group photos outside the church would prove to be rather comical. I wasn’t religious, I never had been, I suppose I would say I was an atheist if I’d ever given it any proper thought, but even so, there was something comforting about a local church ceremony. Alex’s christening was brief but touching, with only closest friends and family in attendance and I was left in no doubt that he would be loved and cared for by those around him, God or no God.

  As I watched Sam, now a very mumsy mother, with her child, I couldn’t help wondering whether I would have children one day. I had always sort of assumed that I would, but now that I was into my child-bearing years I honestly didn’t feel anywhere near ready. Not that it was an issue at the moment – I wasn’t even dating. I tried to imagine Celeste ever giving Sebastian and me her blessing and becoming a doting aunt, but somehow I just couldn’t picture it.

  It was wonderful hanging out with my university friends again. After the service we all piled into the church hall and for a while (before Sam was called away on hostess duty) the four of us girls were re-united and it felt just like old times. Karen showed us her sparkly new engagement ring and we all hugged her excitedly as Becky professed her outright jealousy – she was still with Aiden, her boyfriend of six years who was yet to propose. But she confided in a loud whisper that she had been ‘working on him’ and we all smiled enigmatically over at the buffet table, where an unsuspecting Aiden was loading a plate with sausage rolls. He was talking to a guy who looked familiar, but he had his back to us and I couldn’t place him.