He pulled my face closer to his. “Whatever this is, I want to see where it goes. You make me feel like I can take care of someone—that I want to take care of you. Having never had anyone do that for me I’ve always been a loner and it has worked for me, until now. When I’m with you I have this overwhelming feeling of protectiveness but also possessiveness. I want you all to myself. Just don’t shut down on me. Don’t push me away.” He cupped my face. “Ok?”
If you were to look up overwhelmed and emotionally fucked in the dictionary there would inevitably be a picture of me. I have the emotional range of a peanut. I can’t get close to people, my walls are too high and my lack of communication skills pretty much fucks up anything that makes it past the first hurdle.
I looked around searching for an answer. “Look, Cailen, I just don’t know what you want from me, I mean, I hardly know you. I don’t even know where you live.”
He interrupted, “Leith, Scotland mainly, but I travel around the world so I have several home bases. One being in NYC.” He smiled broadly.
That rattled me for a moment but I tried to keep my momentum. “Yes, well there are so many other things. And not to mention, my life and my job are more than complicated and irrationally busy. I don’t even have time for a cat, which is basically maintenance free, much less a man.” He winced at my description of him. “I just don’t really see this going any farther than this week—I’m sorry.”
He grabbed my face and sealed my mouth with a kiss that had me seeing red stars. When he pulled back we were both racked breathless.
“See, now tell me you have felt that before. Tell me that is something that doesn’t need to be explored. We can always make time for one another without sacrificing our careers and who we are. All I am asking is that we try and figure out what this,” he gestured between us, “…is.”
He looked at me with those artic blue eyes and the intensity was unsettling. But I don’t like to be talked into doing something and I surely don’t like being pressured.
“Cailen…” I began, but he placed a finger over my lips.
“Just think about it, Gemma.” He let out a light laugh. “We are not professing marriage here, love.”
I stared at him for a moment and he gave me one of those blinding smiles that automatically pulled a responding smile to my lips.
He began walking and linked our fingers to pull me along. His voice filled the silent forest. “Do you have any siblings?” He turned to look at my face.
“No.” I said abruptly.
His brows pinched together but he let it go.
“Have you ever been in love?”
That took me completely off guard.
At first I was irritated by his candor but then I realized he’s just as curious about me as I was about him.
“No.” I looked at the ground where my oversized boots were crushing into the snow.
“I thought I was once, a long, long time ago. We were engaged but I called it off right before the wedding. He never really argued. Neither of us could say for certain that what we had was love.”
He pondered this. “I’ve never met anyone I wanted to spend more than a night with, until I met you.” He didn’t look at me, just kept his gaze trained forward.
I said nothing because the words were all jumbled as fuck in my head and I was close to a sensory meltdown.
We walked the rest of the way in silence, still holding hands. When we reached the open clearing and I saw the lights and the tents come into view I pulled my hand from his and stuffed them into my pockets. He followed the progress and eyed me with genuine sadness.
I looked over and offered a small smile. “Can’t let them know you’re screwing the boss; sets a bad precedent.”
He chuckled. “You’re not my boss, Gemma. At least not here.” He smiled wicked. “In the bedroom, absolutely.”
I laughed out loud—couldn’t help it.
He gave me a wink as he strolled past the makeup tent and headed to the main shoot. I was still smiling as I pulled the cloth back and stepped inside. The bustle of models being fitted and wardrobes beings arranged filled the tent. I walked over to the craft service’s table and poured a cup of coffee.
Not long after, Pamela and Charles emerged through the opening.
Pamela was eyeing me studiously scanning me from head to toe. Her lips quivered with a smile, she was trying so hard to hide. Charles remained aloof as he stared at me. I rolled my eyes and lifted my index finger motioning them forward.
As they approached Pamela asked, “Would you like to be briefed on the schedule today and the layout of the shots?”
I nodded sarcastically. “Of course.”
She smiled and began her commentary of the day’s events. Charles was openly eyeing me and I interrupted Pamela.
“Excuse me Pamela; Charles is there something you would like to add?” My tone was acerbic.
He quickly shook his head.
“Well then stop fucking looking at me that way. Go find something to do.”
He was stunned at first and I narrowed my eyes, which promptly got him to nod in agreement and scurry from the tent.
Pamela giggled as she finished her layout. Today would be a hectic day. This being our last at this location and having missed a day of shooting we would be pressed. I walked to the model director and began passing orders, rushing call times and asking for the first round immediately.
With much huffing and puffing he managed to have them ready and on set within an hour. By mid morning we had completed the first series of shots and had moved on to the next. I openly watched Cailen, whom was really a genius with the camera. He’d captured my ideas precisely and I couldn’t have been happier with the outcome.
We were standing in the preview tent watching the images load onto the screens when Pamela asked, “So, you and Cailen, huh?”
I ogled at her in shock that she would ask such a personal question. Especially since we are nothing but colleagues. There is no sweet talk about crushes or bedfellows or ice cream or cutesy beauty tips—strictly professional.
She didn’t back down from my intimidated glare. I had to hand it to her; she has major balls. “My personal affairs are none of your fucking business and next time you decide to meddle be prepared to clean out your desk.”
She just eyed me for several moments; not backing down, then casually shrugged her shoulders and turned her attention back to the screens.
I huffed, and then angrily stalked from the tent needing fresh air. I walked to the edge of the cliff and took several deep breaths staring at the waterfall. I’m not sure how long I was there but I felt someone ease up behind me and place a hand on my hip.
“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” He asked and my body betrayed me. It leaned into him involuntarily and I heard a soft groan slip through his lips.
His lips parted my hair on my neck and I felt his hot breath just below my ear. Fuck, my nipples had a mind of their own and were basically chanting his name. My breathing was shallow and fast.
He placed a kiss to my shoulder and whispered, “I can just taste you on my tongue.” He slid his hand around my waist and down between my legs. I gasped. “I’m going to take care of you later, Gemma. I’ll make you feel better than anyone has ever before, love.” He turned me around and placed a light lingering kiss to my lips and gave me a crooked smile before he slapped me on the ass and walked back to the tent.
Cheater. He takes advantage of my inability to form sentences and leaves before I can tell him to fuck off. Damnit!
I abandoned lunch and sequestered myself inside the preview tent for the remainder of the shoot. At sunset the crew began breaking down the equipment and when they all but shoved me from the tent as they dismantled it I let out a string of profanity and stepped outside.
Pamela and Charles were tickled pink with my picks. I’d already chosen every shot for the first and second parts of the shoot. Tomorrow we were going to a location a bit less remote to include a little urban
landscape. That brought a smile. Civilization.
I was meandering down the hill getting ready for the hike when he matched my pace and reached for my hand.
“In a bit of a hurry?” He asked, amused.
I rolled my eyes. “I’m just following my team, thank you.”
His laugh was musical. “Hardly, love. I am the only team you will be needing tonight.”
I began to protest but when I saw the wicked grin on his face it vanished and I couldn’t help but smile. Damnit. This is dangerous.
We laughed hard the whole way back reminiscing over stories of failed dates and disastrous match-ups. When we reached the car he lifted me into the seat and pulled me into his side as we began to drive. I can’t describe the feeling of contentment when I pressed into his frame.
We continued our banter back and forth and I learned that Cailen is a true wiseass and an avid adventurer.
Wiseass—check—I’m that everyday of the week. Adventurer? That is comical. The only adventure I seek is at the bottom of a glass and involves my S&M stash.
But oddly, I’ve never been so at ease with anyone other than my dad. I didn’t even realize we were stopped until he began to pull me from the car. I was so engrossed in his voice and his smell that I tuned everything out.
As soon as we crossed the threshold, the painting came into view and I stiffened. It brought back all the memories and my questions for Cailen. He caught my face and surmised my thoughts. His face fell and I realized he was dreading the conversation as much as I was hearing. But I needed answers and it was his turn to open up to me, I wanted to know more.
He touched my cheek. “Can we get a drink first? I promise I will tell you everything.”
I nodded and followed him to the bar. He pulled out two glasses and a new bottle of Glenlivet. Once he poured both glasses he handed me one and carried the bottle to the sofa.
I sank down beside him staring at his face.
He took several drinks and moved his eyes around trying to find the words. After several minutes he looked at me. “I didn’t come from a loving home, Emberly.”
It was the first time he’d ever called me that and it sent alarm bells off in my head.
“My father was a scam artist and a drunk. He didn’t stick around after I turned one. My mother was a pill head and a habitual liar. She kept me until I was five. One day she pulled me from the apartment after she let a john in and walked me several blocks to a Catholic church on the corner. She opened the doors and led me to the benches inside and told me not to move. She said she had to take a trip and didn’t know when she would be back but they would take care of me. I sat in that fucking seat for fourteen hours before someone found me. I refused to leave because I thought I would miss her when she came back. Finally after a long time a priest was able to persuade me with cookies to the study. Days past and I was placed in a little room with a cot. I had chores and prayers every afternoon. Just as I was getting into the routine the Priest sat me down one evening and told me about my new mommy and daddy. They were to pick me up the following morning. My heart sank. I can’t describe the feeling of abandonment. Pure terror shot through me and all I could think about was getting out of there and finding my mum.”
“Well that night I slipped out of my room and found my way onto the street. I walked for hours and finally found my apartment building. I walked up the familiar steps and landed on the mat in front of our door. I twisted the knob but it was locked. I remembered the key mum put in the doorframe and I dug it out. Once I had the door open, what was left of my heart broke into a million pieces. Everything was gone. Papers littered the floor and a few stray boxes lined the wall. She was gone. She had left me. That was the moment I shut out the world. Pure rage and anger took over me and I acted out on everyone.”
“I was placed in foster home after foster home. I never lasted more than a year. Admittedly no one could handle me. At ten I was stealing from any store I could find. By twelve I was physically violent with other children and provoked fights. By fifteen I’d been arrested more times than I can count and my anger was only getting worse. That was when I was placed in this home with a single mother. There were three other boys besides me—all around the same age, sixteen. It was the third night; she made her way into my room and undressed. Hell, I was sixteen and a ball of horniness so I rolled with it. But when we were finished I felt dirty. That alternated each night of the week until she began bringing other women in for money. We were expected to perform, no matter what they looked like or if they had a disease. Needless to say I told her to fuck off and left after a month.” He took a drink and I followed suite because this story had tears stinging my eyes and a sheer hatred filing my chest.
“Then I was on my own, on the streets, again. I lived that way for several years. I was sexually active to the extreme and violent to anyone that crossed my path. I was just a demon. That’s when I met Alick. He cut through the walls quickly. He knew my pain; he had suffered my pain. Over several weeks he would visit me and buy me food. We’d talk for hours and the relief was profound. It was an outlet that didn’t need violence. Finally he convinced me to come with him to the place he was staying. I’d always lived in the city so when we pulled up to this farmhouse in the middle of nowhere I scoffed. He convinced me to give it a chance. I was introduced to the older man that owned the place, Lorne. He warmed to me quickly and it wasn’t long before I started to feel a semblance of normality. He gave me hard chores around the farm and I relished that responsibility.”
“He taught me respect and honor—two things I never knew. I stayed there for several years until the day he died. He left the farmhouse to both Alick and I in his will. We were the only family he had ever known and I can’t tell you how that changed me as a human being.”
“I’ve been living to make him proud since that day.” He took my hand as he finished. “I visit that house as often as I can because it reminds me of him and gives me peace.”
I was in overload. He had been so abused for so long. I wanted to comfort him and kill the people that had hurt him. Everything in my life, everything in my heart changed at that moment. The feelings I had for him were clearer than glass.
I loved him.
I wanted to protect him.
I wanted to make him mine.
It just came out of my mouth from the bottom of my heart. “I love you.” I placed my hand over his.
He blinked several times. I could see the stunned expression haunting his eyes and I was suddenly terrified of the rejection I was getting ready to hear. I jumped to my feet and ran for the door. Once I was outside I took the steps two at a time and landed roughly at the door of the car. I yanked it open and threw myself into the back seat. I screamed the name of our B&B to the driver and locked my hands over my face. The tears were streaming.
I saw Cailen running through the door and I yelled, “Fucking go, NOW!”
He gunned the engine and I never looked back. An hour later we pulled to the familiar house and I jumped out running up the steps. The door was unlocked and I swung it open racing up the stairs.
What the fuck had I just done? I told him I loved him! The panic set in and the walls were closing in around me. I needed to get away. I needed to get back home. I ran around the room stuffing things into my suitcase and grabbing my bathroom bag. I realized I still had on his clothes and that made my heart ache. I yanked everything off and thumbed through my things until I found jeans and a t-shirt.
Within an hour I was sitting in the car headed for the airport. I left a note for Pamela and Charles detailing my instructions for the remainder of the shoot. This was going to be disastrous, but there was no way I could ever face him again.
The plane was waiting and I rushed on board. There was a full decanter of Glenlivet and I couldn’t even look at it. I cried nearly the entire trip back. My eyes were raw and my throat was sore. Once we landed in NY I felt a sense of ease come over me.
Elliott never said a word and kept his ex
pression clean. He knew I was hurting.
Marriett took my bags and I walked directly to my room shutting the door and falling onto my bed.
Two days later I peeled myself from the bed and walked to the bathroom. Wow. I looked like shit. My eyes were almost swollen shut from crying and my hair was matted to my head. I turned for the shower and adjusted the water. The whole process reminded me of Cailen and a new wave of hysteria broke through.
I rushed the process and just went straight back to bed. I hadn’t slept in almost three days and I couldn’t remember the last time I ate. I called for Marriett and asked for a bottle of wine. Fifteen minutes later she carried it to my bedside and left my tablet and phone.
I poured the wine first. I needed a numbing agent before I looked at the clusterfuck I knew was waiting for me at work.
I drained the glass and reached for my cell. There were one hundred fourteen missed calls and thirty-three new voice messages.
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