Roc got up and went into the bathroom. He closed the door and I heard the shower come on. I knew he was tired of my gripes, but I couldn’t help that some of the things he said and did bothered me. Was I supposed to keep my mouth shut about him getting high? Drugs were no good and if Latrel was smoking weed, I was going to kill him. There was no excuse and I couldn’t wait to see him at breakfast in the morning. For now, I had Roc to deal with, and as mad as I was with him, yes, I did have a special place in my heart for his dick.
I removed my clothes and entered the bathroom. Roc was lathering his chocolate body with soap and was surprised to see me join him. I took the towel from his hand, giving him a thorough wash. Minutes later, he returned the favor, but promised that he hadn’t forgiven me.
“I ain’t playin’, Dez, you ain’t got nothin’ comin’. You can’t come in here, tryin’ to seduce me and thinkin’ I’m gon’ make luv to ya.”
I pressed my soapy wet body against Roc’s, putting my arms on his shoulders. I pouted and spoke with sincerity. “I don’t want you to make love to me. I want—”
Roc nodded. “You want me to fuck you, don’t you?”
“Yeah, that’s what I want,” I whispered.
“Yeah?”
I nodded, rubbing my nose against his. “Yes, snookums.”
“No,” he said, smiling. “Can’t do it.”
“Why not? Am I the one in trouble?”
He backed me into the wall, leaving no breathing room between us. “Big, big, ten and a half inches of trouble.”
“That deep, huh?”
“Unfortunately so.”
“So are you going to punish me right here, or out there?”
“Oh, right here, baby. Definitely right here.”
We kissed and Roc’s hands felt so good rubbing all over my soapy body. He punished me all right, leaving me hanging high and dry. I couldn’t get nothing out of him, and when he laid his head on my lap and went to sleep, it was almost three in the morning. When it was time to get up and go to breakfast, he opted not to go.
“I’m too tired,” he grunted. “Tell Latrel I’ll holla later.”
I got dressed and left to have breakfast with Latrel and Monica. They were already in the dining area and I couldn’t wait to ask Latrel about last night. He looked hungover too and I knew he would have given anything to stay in bed as well.
“Good morning,” I said, pulling my chair up to the table.
“Hey,” he mumbled. He gulped down his orange juice and rubbed his temples.
“You look just as bad as Roc did when he came in last night. Did you have fun?”
“Lots. Roc a pretty cool dude. Good choice.”
“Somehow, I knew you were going to say that, especially since y’all seem to have a lot in common.”
“Do we?” Latrel said, cutting into his pancakes.
“Well, not a lot, but enough to be concerned about.”
“What is it that you’re concerned about?” he huffed, giving me an irritated look.
“Your drinking, your drugs, and your numerous lady friends. Where do I start first?”
He shrugged and had the nerve to blow me off. “So what, I drink. And so what, I have sex. What you think I’m some kind of queer or something?”
“Latrel, did you get high last night?”
“I smoked a joint, mama. I didn’t get high, but I did have a joint. So there, what’s the big damn deal? Dad said you and him tried weed before, so—”
“Your father is a liar and you’d better calm your tone. You are never too old for me to jump over this table and slap some sense into you. You are here on a scholarship program and I have no doubt that your basketball career will take off. Sooner or later, they’re going to test you for drugs, Latrel, and if that mess is in your system, your career goes straight down the drain. Don’t ruin your life over stupid mistakes. I’ve heard of young black men going to jail, for years, being caught with one single joint in their possession. Consider this a warning, and it’s coming from someone who loves you. Don’t be a fool, but remember, you’re the one who will write your life story, not me.”
I pulled my chair away from the table and headed back upstairs to my room.
How dare Reggie tell him that I’d tried marijuana before, and . . . so what, a long time ago, maybe I did. I didn’t like it, and therefore, never, ever tried it again. I knew Monica was calling me a hypocrite and I could hear her saying “how soon do we forget.”
Chapter Eight
Unlike the last time, Latrel and I quickly settled our differences. That evening, I left the hotel with Roc and Monica, but received a phone call from Latrel, apologizing for his stupidity. He realized that doing drugs wasn’t in his best interest, and promised me that he would not pick up another joint. I wasn’t sure if I believed him or not, but he was the one who had to live with his choices.
I felt the same way about Reggie. After seeing him with Yvette, I knew it was time for me to get over my hurt and forget about what could have been. Yes, it was a true disappointment that our marriage had ended as it did, but what could I do if my husband didn’t love me anymore? That’s what he said, but I could see in his eyes that he was starting to realize his mistakes. I’m not sure if my being with Roc had Reggie looking at things a little differently, but I sensed that he’d regretted his decision. For me, it was too late and I had no intentions on ever looking back again.
I sat at the library for a few hours reading books and surfing the Internet on my laptop. I asked Roc to meet me there, but he was already about an hour late. When he finally showed, he seemed to be in a rush. We sat at the wooden table together and did our best to whisper.
“Do you have somewhere you need to be?” I asked.
“Kind of, sort of. Why . . . what’s up?”
“I won’t keep you, but I bought something for you.”
I reached in my leather carrying bag full of books and gave Roc two books that I’d purchased for him. One was titled A Complete Guide to Preparing for Your GED, and the other was Secrets to Becoming a Professional Model.
“Listen,” I said. “You don’t have to jump into these right away, but just consider looking through them, okay?”
Roc flipped through the modeling book first, then lifted the other book. “You really tryin’ ain’t you?”
“Yes. I think you have major potential and I’d love to see you living your life to the fullest. Ever since that incident at the club happened, I’ve been worried about you. When the news comes on, I’m so afraid they’re going to mention your name. You go days and days without calling me, and there are times that I fear I’ll never hear from you again. Please don’t take my gifts as an insult. Consider them given to you by someone who cares.”
Roc sat back in the chair and folded his arms. “I know you care, but like I said before, I’m doin’ me. I’m not interested in becomin’ a model and a GED really can’t do much for me. I mean, I was inspired by Latrel’s success, but we come for two different backgrounds. He had you and yo’ silly-ass ex husband, and I’m sure that made all of the difference for him. You don’t even wanna know where I come from, but whether you recognize it or not, I do view my life as being successful. I got money, I take care of my kid, and I keep a roof over my head. What more do you think a nigga want?”
“Legitimacy. Stop living in a fantasy world, thinking you can live as you do forever. All I’m saying is that getting your GED can start opening some doors for you that may have otherwise been closed. You’ve got to start somewhere, Roc, and I can’t think of a better time than now.”
I reached in my bag again and retrieved some black-and-white professional photos of myself that I’d had taken almost twenty years ago. Some of the pictures were very provocative and many were not. In one of my favorite pictures, I was shirtless and my breasts were covered by my crossed arms. My lower half was covered with bikini bottoms and I wore high stilettos. I gave the pictures to Roc and he looked through them.
“Those w
ere taken back in the day, but I gave up on pursuing my modeling career. I had plenty of offers from major modeling agencies, but Reggie insisted that he didn’t want me to go that route. He promised to take care of me and insisted that I kept working to a minimal. I gave up everything for us, Roc, and became content with my marriage. Years later, here I am. I’m heavier, but I will always wonder where my modeling career could have taken me. I barely get by as an administrative assistant and I in no way envisioned the life that I now have. All I’m asking you to do is take care of Roc, and never be a fool for someone else. That shouldn’t be so hard to do, should it?”
Roc kept looking at my pictures, then put my favorite one inside of his jacket and zipped it. I knew this conversation was too deep for him, and he really didn’t have much else to say. “Look, I gotta go take care of some business,” he said, standing up. “If I don’t talk to you before Thanksgiving this Thursday, have a good one.”
He leaned down to kiss me, but I backed away. “You can’t kiss me in the library.”
“Shiit,” he said loud enough where the people at another table heard him. “Don’t you know by now that I can do whatever the hell I wanna do, where I wanna do it and when I wanna do it?”
He tucked the books I’d given him underneath his arm and reached for my hand. “Come here,” he said, directing me down one of the empty aisles. He turned me to face him and moved my bangs away from my forehead. He then reached in his pocket and tried to give me five one-hundred dollar bills.
“Here, take this money and go buy yourself somethin’ nice. I don’t want you strugglin’ and to hear that kind of shit just makes me mad.”
“No,” I said, refusing to take his money. “I’ll be fine, even though it may take some time for me to get on my feet. I’m a survivor, Roc, and that’s what my mother always taught me to be.”
Roc touched my bangs again, getting a clear view of my makeup-less face. “You are such a beautiful woman, Dez, and yo’ body is sexier than ever. I know you’re not insecure about it, and if you are, I sure as hell can’t tell. The woman in those pictures look nice, but I like what I got in front of me. I don’t deserve you, but I’m glad you stickin’ with me. Nothin’ means more to me than a woman who got my back. Rememba, I got yours too.”
He leaned in again for a kiss, but this time, I didn’t stop him. The kiss went on for quite some time and it was good to hear that Roc was just as comfortable with my healthiness as I was.
“Mmm,” he said with approval. “I love the shit out of those lips. After I get finished with my business, can I come over tonight?”
“Why are you asking, you never do. And like you said, you do whatever you want, when you want to do it and wherever. I guess if I see you tonight, that depends on you.”
Right then, his phone vibrated and after he looked to see who it was, he quickly kissed my cheek. “See you later,” he said. I nodded and Roc jetted.
Roc never showed up that night, and since he told me to have a happy Thanksgiving, I didn’t expect to hear from him until it was over. For years, I looked forward to Thanksgiving Day. Now, it was just another day to give thanks and a day to be by myself. Latrel was spending Thanksgiving with one of his friends, and since my mother had died almost four years ago, I really had no place to go. Monica had gone to visit her kids and I was so sure that Reggie had made arrangements with his family and his woman. It was times like this that being an only child really hurt. I always had Reggie and Latrel to spend the holidays with, but this year alone would be a first. When Latrel asked what I was doing, I lied, telling him that Monica and I had plans. I didn’t want to cause him to change his plans, worrying about me. And when Monica asked what I was doing, I told her I was spending some time with Latrel. I don’t know why I had been dishonest, but I decided to attend my pity party all by myself. I did, however, cook a small Cornish hen, some dressing, and gravy to go with it. I laid a comfortable blanket on the floor in my family room in front of the fireplace, and got some wine. I turned down all the lights and clicked on the television. Nothing that I wanted to watch was on, so I turned on the stereo, listening to one slow jam after the next. Patti Labelle’s “Love, Need and Want You” was playing, and when the phone rang, I turned it down.
“Hello,” I answered.
“Happy Thanksgiving,” Reggie said loudly, as I could hear all the noise in the background.
I was surprised that he had called. “Same to you.”
“Are you busy?”
“No.”
“Are you alone?” I didn’t answer, so Reggie cleared his throat. “I wasn’t trying to disturb you, but I just wanted to call. My mother asked about you and she thought you’d stop by to see her.”
“I thought about it, but I changed my mind. Be sure to tell her I said happy Thanksgiving. Tell the rest of your family I said so too.”
“I will. Take care, baby.”
I hung up and sipped from my wine. All of Reggie’s family knew he’d been cheating on me, including his mother. I couldn’t stand to be around any of them and I would’ve been embarrassed to show my face. I hoped he was having fun, and at least he called to wish me a happy Thanksgiving. I guess I should have been grateful, because he really didn’t have to do that.
The Lifetime Channel had a good movie on, so I laid on my stomach while checking it out. I continuously sipped from my wine and left the volume on the stereo slightly up so I could hear it. All of my lights were out, but the fire still burning in the fireplace provided a comfortable and peaceful setting.
A commercial came on, and that’s when I got up to refill my glass of wine. As I was in the kitchen, the phone rang again. This time it was Roc.
“What you doin’?” he asked. I could hear noise coming from his background as well.
“Watching television.”
“Have you been at home all day, or did you spend time with yo’ peeps?”
“I’ve been here,” I said drily.
“Did you cook?”
“A little.”
“Is there enough for me?”
“No. I ate it all.”
“So, you mean to tell me you didn’t save me nothin’?”
“Unfortunately not.”
“Why, are you mad at me about somethin’?”
“Do I have a reason to be mad?”
“No, I’m just askin’. You sound as if somethin’s wrong. Do you have company?”
“Is this twenty questions?”
“No, it’s To Tell the Truth. Again, do you have company? If so, I can always check back with you some other time.”
“Happy Thanksgiving, Roc. Good-bye.”
I hung up. Yes, I was a little perturbed that Roc hadn’t showed or called the other night like he said he would. I had been tuned into the news, and like always, expected to hear that something bad had happened to him. That was the first time he’d said he was coming and never did, so I tried to cut him some slack. As for today, it was almost 9:00 P.M. I guess my name was last on his agenda, but again, at least I was thought about.
I carried my wine bottle into the family room and resumed watching TV. The movie had gotten even better, and as it neared the end, my doorbell rang. I kind of knew who it was, but I could never be too sure. I tightened the belt on my black silk robe and teased my messy hair. I took one last sip from my glass of wine and went to the door. It was Roc, leaning against the doorway. He had a plate in his hand, covered with aluminum foil.
“Can I come in, or is that nigga still here?”
I opened the door wide, allowing him to enter. He looked spectacular in his casual dark brown leather jacket with fur around the collar and denim baggy jeans. A brown Inspired T-shirt was underneath and an arrowhead necklace that looked like it came straight from Africa was gripped around his neck. There were a fresh pair of leather Timberlands on his feet and he wasted no time in taking them off, along with his jacket. Like always, the T-shirt hugged his muscles, showing off the numerous tattoos on his arms.
“How did you get rid of him that fast?” he persisted.
“Did I tell you there was someone here when you called?”
“No, but you sounded like there was.”
I threw my hand back and went back into the family room. Roc followed, putting the plate in his hand on a table.
“You got it awfully damn cozy in here. House all dark, fireplace burning, music playin’, wineglasses on the floor.” He reached his hand underneath my robe, feeling my bare ass. “Panties off and shit. What the hell been goin’ on with you?”
I ignored Roc and laid back on the floor. I turned on my stomach, picked up my glass of wine, and focused on the television. He immediately laid on my backside, holding himself over me in a push-up position.
“Are you gon’ talk to me or what?” he asked.
“Only when you start talking what I want to hear. Thus far, you’re throwing false accusations at me and I’m not interested.”
Roc dropped his heavy body on mine, pressing down so I couldn’t breathe.
“Can you talk now?” he joked.
I tried to push him backward, but couldn’t. “Get up,” I strained. “You’re too heavy.”
“What’s that? I can’t hear you. What you say?”
I was defeated and when I told him I seriously couldn’t breathe, he moved over next to me. “That’s what yo’ bad ass get. Don’t be tryin’ to ignore me.”
I turned on my back, looking over at Roc. “For your information, I’ve been here all day by myself. I’ve been watching television and ate a little something before you came.”
“Why didn’t you go visit your family?”
“Because the family I did have was Reggie’s family. My mother died a few years back, and my father died when I was nineteen. I told you before that I was an only child, so—”
“You should have told me you was gon’ be by yourself. I would have come over earlier.”
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