“It’s okay. If you haven’t noticed, I don’t mind being by myself.”
“I noticed. You stay in the house too much. I don’t think I ever met nobody as secluded as you.”
“I haven’t always been like this. Things changed and—”
Roc rubbed my stomach while looking down at me. “Are you depressed? Maybe you should see somebody about how you’ve been feelin’.”
“I don’t know. I just think it takes time to heal, that’s all.” I touched the sexy trimmed hair on his chin. “Either way, I’m glad you’re here and thanks for coming.”
“You knew damn well I was comin’. I seriously thought you was over here slappin’ bodies with some nigga.”
“And if I was, what would you have done?”
Roc smiled. “Yo’ ass would have been in trouble.”
“Big trouble?”
“Yeah, eleven-inch trouble.”
“I thought it was ten-and-a-half inch trouble?”
“You thought wrong. I’m still growing . . . wanna see?”
“Nah,” I teased. “Not today. Some other time.”
Roc started tickling me and my stomach was killing me from laughing so hard. My robe had slid open, exposing my left wobbly breast and hard nipple. Roc wasted no time putting his tongue in action. His hand was creeping down between my legs, but when I heard Beyoncé crooning “At Last” on my Cadillac Records CD, I interrupted him and stood up.
“I love this song,” I said. “Turn off the television and slow dance with me, okay?”
Roc stood up, laughing. “You know you can’t dance.”
“Whatever. Then just hold me.”
I turned off the television, upped the volume on the stereo and Roc had no problem holding me in his arms. My head rested against his chest and we slowly moved from side to side. I took in every word that Beyoncé sung and felt as if, at last, my lonely nights were over. In my head, I played back the moment I’d met Roc at the car wash, to the first time I’d seen him at the club. The night of his birthday was still fresh in my memory, and so was the first night he’d entered me as we had sex on my swing. At this moment and time, I was falling for him. His age no longer mattered and all I wanted was to be with the man whose heart I could feel beating just as fast as mine. One song ended, and another one played. We remained in the same position, having very little to say. The fire had even stopped burning in the fireplace and when the room turned pitch-black, I still wasn’t ready to call it quits.
“What are you thinking?” I asked Roc.
“Let’s see . . . where do I start?”
“You can start wherever you want to.”
Roc backed away from our embrace, holding my hands together with his. “I got a lot of shit goin’ on, Dez. But make no mistake about it, nothin’ compares to bein’ right here with you. It’s like I’m in another world, tryin’ hard to do somethin’ different. When I get back to reality, sometimes, my shit be so fucked up. I don’t wanna take you into that world, baby, but it’s almost impossible not to. There’s no way for me to have it both ways, and I’m afraid of losin’ this. How can I not lose this, travelin’ down the road I am? The closer we get, you gon’ make me choose and I don’t know what the fuck to do. All I know is you ain’t here for nothin’. And it ain’t no fuck thing either. I love that pussy, but it ain’t just that, trust me.”
At first, I had no response for what Roc had said. I reached up to touch his face and felt the need to share how I felt in the moment. I wasn’t sure if it was my loneliness making me feel this way, or my possible desperation to have any kind of man in my life. Roc continued to ease much of my pain and my feelings for him had increased. “I—I feel myself falling in love with you,” I admitted. “And anything I can do to make your life simpler and peaceful, let me know. That’s the only reason I’m here. In the meantime, all I ask is that if you tell me you’re coming to see me, and you’re unable to make it, just call to let me know. That way I won’t worry so much about you, okay?”
“I promise. But I want you to do me a favor too. Let me take care of you, a’ight? I know you don’t approve of the way I make money, but no matter where it comes from, it spends the same way. Also, stop stayin’ cooped up in this fuckin’ house. Let’s get out and do somethin’. Wherever you wanna go, I’ll take you. I don’t give a fuck if it’s to the gym or to Japan, let’s go. All you gotta do is say the word.”
“I’ll think about it, okay? But as far as the money is concerned, you’re asking me to accept what you do. I don’t say much about it, but I can’t accept your contributions. I know you mean well, but this is something I have to stand my ground on.”
Roc kissed my forehead and our lips soon met up. Moments later, we returned to our position on the floor. I felt something good stirring between us, and even the sex between us felt . . . different. I wasn’t even disappointed that he hadn’t said the “l” word to me, and I in no way wanted him to say it unless he meant it. For Roc, that would take time. I didn’t know yet if I would allow him that time, but I continued to be patient. I was having fun and so was he. The empty void I had was being filled by a man I never thought could do it, and for that alone, I was grateful. Roc stayed with me for two days after that night, and when he left, I hated like hell to see him go.
Chapter Nine
When Christmas came, I spent the day with Monica. We cooked a bunch of food and took it to her family’s house. Latrel stayed away again, and this holiday, I didn’t hear from Reggie at all. I didn’t hear from Roc either but on Christmas Eve he stopped by to bring my presents. One was a diamond curved journey pendant in white gold and the other gift was several sexy pieces of negligee. I thanked him for the gifts, and instead of telling him that I would never wear them, I tucked the necklace and negligee far away in the back of my closet. In return, I gave him a shirt and tie, a personalized fourteen-karat gold dog tag pendant and a sentimental key to my heart message in a bottle. I addressed the personal message to Snookums, and like always, encouraged him to strive for the best. He told me he had plans to spend Christmas with his son, and also mentioned working at the club. Working the club was his plan for New Year’s as well, and he did his best to get me to come. I refused. Spending my New Year’s at home was where I wanted to be. I couldn’t complain because Roc had stuck to his word about getting me out of the house. We started going out to dinner a lot, checking out the latest movies together, working out, and even had a road trip planned to Las Vegas. Everywhere we’d gone, Roc was known. He had to be the most popular person in St. Louis, and we could barely eat dinner without being interrupted by someone he knew. That included females, but as long as Roc didn’t disrespect me when we were together, I was fine. I had some concerns with his son’s mother, Vanessa, but thus far, she hadn’t said anything to me. She continuously rang Roc’s phone. She’d been stressing the hell out of him about their son, and she left some of her personal belongings in his truck so I could see them. As a woman, I knew what her intentions were, and just as I knew about her, I was sure she’d known about me. I wasn’t sure if they lived together or not until Roc invited me to his penthouse apartment in downtown St. Louis. He said it was one of the many places he called home, and I must admit, his place was laid out. Disapproving of his lifestyle, I definitely didn’t stay long, but long enough for me to realize that whatever he was into, the shit was deep. I could smell the money in his rooms, and the whole place was decorated with some of the finest contemporary furniture that only a rich man’s money could buy. His penthouse was spacious, and had not one, but three floors. Everything was neatly in place and if it hadn’t been for the walk-in closet I’d seen filled with Roc’s clothes and tennis shoes, I wouldn’t have believed he lived there. Too, the books I’d given him were on the floor next to his bed, and I was happy to see that he’d delved into them. I was pleased not to see anything belonging to a woman, but I did notice several pictures of his son, and I assumed, baby’s mama. The black-and-white photo he had taken from me at the
library that day was on the front of his stainless steel double-door refrigerator. He claimed that he had to see my pretty face every morning, and said that seeing the picture motivated him. He kissed the picture, something he said he’d done every day, and when I told him he was full of it, we laughed and left.
The day of our road trip to Vegas, Roc came to get me in a rented RV. Needless to say, it was laid out as well. It had everything from a compact kitchen to a spacious bedroom in the far back. Flat-screen panel TVs were in both spaces and the bed was dressed with a paisley printed blue and gold bedding ensemble. Plush pillows were on the bed for comfort and two reclining chairs were included in the room for extra relaxation. Roc jumped on the bed, putting his hands behind his head.
“We ’bout to have some fun up in this muthafucka. My man up there got the wheel and we ain’t got nothin’ but hours and hours of time on our hands.”
I lay on the bed next to Roc, resting my head on his chest. “Yes, hours to catch up on some sleep and read some of my books.”
“Shiit. I hope you ain’t bring none of those books with you ’cause you damn sho ain’t gon’ be readin’ them. As for sleep, you’ll sleep when I do and that ain’t gon’ be no time soon.”
I poked at his chest. “So, let me get this straight, you got everything planned out already, huh?”
“Yep. Been thinkin’ ’bout this vacation all week. You may as well get naked right now ’cause it’s ’bout to go down in here.”
“What’s the rush? Like you said, we got hours and hours and—”
Roc reached for a pillow, hitting me with it. “Oh, no you didn’t,” I said, picking up one to hit him back. We went back and forth, hitting each other with pillows, and unfortunately one of them busted, spreading feathers everywhere.
“Awww,” he said, grabbing my waist, luring me back on the bed. “Look what you did?”
“Damn, am I in trouble? I guess this means I’m in trouble again.”
“Big trouble. Eleven-and-a-half-inch trouble.”
“Growing again, huh?”
Roc reached for his belt to remove it. “You wanna see?”
“Nah, I wanna feel it. Let me be the judge on how big I think it’s getting.”
“You ain’t said nothin’ but a word.”
Roc wasted no time showing me how big he’d gotten. I had never fucked so much in my life, but I could never get enough of him. He couldn’t get enough of me either, and I was always required to step up my game. After one lengthy ride on top of him, he turned my sweaty body to the side, plunging into me from behind. My right leg was being held high, separated from my left one, which remained straight and relaxed on the bed. Roc entered my juiced-up dripping wet hole, while stroking my perky clit like a violin to bring more pleasure. He plucked my heavy nipples, and I sucked in major air, unable to keep my mouth closed.
“Whu—What is it with this pussy?” he inquired. “Why yo’ shit gotta be so good like this?”
I turned my head sideways to suck in his awaiting lips. “It’s your dick, baby. Your good dick just brings out the best in me.”
“Well let me keep on bringin’ it.”
He let go of my leg, turning me flat on my stomach. My legs were squeezed tightly together and Roc slid into my tightened butt cheeks. He dropped his head on my back, letting out a deep sigh of pure satisfactory relief.
“Ahhh, this shit feels good. Don’t move yet, okay?” he said.
I wouldn’t dare move. With my legs closely together, his ongoing inches of hardness was killing me. I requested that he proceed with ease, and he honored my request. I then hiked my butt in the air just a little, gripping the sheets as he navigated in and out of me from different angles. My eyes were closed and all I could think about was how Roc was delivering all of the right moves to make me his. He lowered his head, pulling my hair aside to place continuous wet kisses on my shoulders and upper back. His rhythm stayed on point, until he stopped and called out my name.
“Yeah baby,” I said raining cum, and softly moaning from his sensational kisses.
He nibbled on my ear, whispering, “I love you, a’ight? I don’t say that shit too often, but when I do, you betta know that shit is real.”
I kept my eyes closed and nodded. I knew Roc and I were dealing with something special, but I was in no way sure about trusting his words. It was so easy to say something like that being caught up in the moment, and it was important for me to hear those words when we weren’t. He lived in another world that I really didn’t care to know much about. I did, however, know that other women revolved around in that world, and the possibilities of him truly loving any woman were slim. My thing was, show me love, don’t tell me. And until he was willing to let go of his other life, the only thing he was showing me that he enjoyed having his cake and eating it too. For now, things were okay, and I felt no need to turn up the pressure. I wasn’t really sure how I felt about my growing feelings for him, but I was optimistic that we’d grow in a positive manner.
According to Roc, we had almost eight more hours to go until we reached Vegas. I was tired from my ongoing workout and took a moment to catch a nap while lying on a pillow on his lap. He sat up watching television and when his phone rang, it woke me from my sleep. I kept my eyes closed, continuing to lightly snore because I figured Roc could see me through the many glass mirrors in the room.
“Speak,” he said. He paused for a moment, but I couldn’t make out a word that the other person was saying. “Just tell them muthafuckas to be patient, I’m on my way. When I get to the hotel room, I’ll call you.” He paused again. “Ronnie, you know better than I do that them niggas anxious. I got this shit under control and it’s gon’ bring great rewards.” Ronnie kept talking, then Roc spoke out again. “Nah, I ain’t with her, I’m with Desa Rae. I almost had to cut that bitch before I left, and I’ll talk to you ’bout that shit when I get back.” He paused. “Yeah, I’m good. My dick hurt,” he laughed. “but I’m good. Baby girl been workin’ this muthafucka out.” It was Ronnie’s turn to speak again, and I heard laughter. “All I can say is she got yo’ nephew wide open. Yo’ playbook failin’ a nigga bad over here.” He laughed again. “Yeah, I know. That’s what I’m afraid of. Like I said, though, I’ll get at you when I arrive in Vegas.”
Roc ended his call and I still pretended to be asleep. I knew damn well this Vegas trip wasn’t planned so he could make one of his runs. If so, our trip was about to get ugly. I continued to lay on his lap, and after a few more minutes, a familiar smell hit my nose.
I lifted my head, just to be sure. Yes, Roc was inhaling the smoke from a joint and continued to suck it in.
He could barely get the word what to come from his mouth and talked like he had gunpowder in his throat. “Why you lookin’ at me like that?” He swallowed, holding the joint with the tips of his fingers.
“I’m stunned,” I said, shaking my head. “I can’t believe you would do that in front of me, knowing how I feel about it.”
He laid the joint in an ashtray beside him. “Damn, Dez, I wasn’t doin’ it in front of you. Yo’ ass was sleepin’ and after all that sex, I needed somethin’ to relax me.”
I sat up straight, having no smile on my face. “There are certain things that I’m not going to tolerate. Your weed habit is one of them. If you don’t put that mess out, then we’re going to have a serious problem on our hands. Your baby’s mama won’t be the only bitch you’ll have to cut, and if there is one ounce of cocaine or any kinds of drugs on this RV, I’m turning your ass in to the police.” I threw the covers aside and got off the bed.
Roc responded with “Fuck you” and took another hit from his joint.
No lie, he caught me off guard. My face scrunched up, big-time. “What did you say to me?”
He got off the bed and stood over me. His fiery eyes stared deeply into mine, and he clarified what he’d said, gritting his teeth. “I said, fuck you! You ain’t my muthafuckin’ mama. I told you ’bout that shit, and rule number one . .
. don’t you ever threaten to call the police on me. Two, if you start actin’ like that bitch back at home, you will be treated like her. Three, you just ruined my fuckin’ day. Don’t say shit else to me and when we get to Vegas, feel free to take the first flight back home.”
So much for optimism. Roc went into the bathroom and slammed the door. I got dressed and spent the remainder of our drive to Vegas sitting at the circular booth in the kitchen. As soon as we got to Vegas, I took his advice. I called a cab that took me to the airport and left. Roc went on to handle his business, and just like me, there was nothing else left to say. I had seen an ugly side of him and there was no way for me to deal with that kind of behavior.
There was a delay at the airport, but I got home early Sunday morning. I had already taken a vacation day for Monday, and I truly needed the extra day to clear my head. I could have kicked myself for putting my guards down, and deep down, I knew what kind of man Roc was. Had I been in denial? I thought. And what made me think that a man like him would change because I wanted him to? I was hurt by what had happened, and I couldn’t stop thinking about his angry face that stared at me with disrespect.
After I showered, I sat on my bed to check my messages. Latrel and Monica had called, trying to find out how my vacation was going. I didn’t feel like talking about it, so I waited to call them back. I had three other messages, one from a bill collector and the other two were from Roc’s baby’s mama, Vanessa. She left a number for me to call her back, insisting that it was now time for us to talk. I wasn’t sure how she got my number, but I knew a woman had her way of finding out things. I had no desire to speak to her, so I deleted her messages. Besides, her tone was shitty and I wasn’t going to take orders from a woman who I considered to be very childish. She’d have to get her answers from Roc, but I was sure his response would be full of lies.
Due to the short work week ahead of me, I got in bed early that Monday night. My eyes were tired from reading and I put the book on my nightstand so I could go to sleep. Almost simultaneously, the phone rang and there was heavy knocking on my door. I carried the cordless phone in my hand, but before answering the unknown call, I went to the door to see who it was. When I opened the door, it was Roc. I immediately answered the phone, and the first response I got was, “Ancient-ass bitch, what’s up with you and Roc?”
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