Full Figured

by Brenda Hampton

  “Hello,” I repeated, looking at the pissed look on Roc’s face.

  “You heard me. I got his son and you ain’t never gon’ take my man from me.”

  “Good luck with that,” I said, handing the phone over to Roc.

  He curiously looked at it, then put it up to his ear. “Hello,” he snapped. I could hear Vanessa blasting him through the phone. He hung up, and when it rang again, he looked at the caller ID. He showed it to me, and why did Reggie’s name and number flash across it? Roc threw the phone into the wall, shattering it into pieces.

  “What the fuck up with you?” he yelled with a pitbull mug on his face. I could see how irate he was, and I did my best not to go there with him.

  “We’re not going out like this, Roc. I swear I’m not going to do this with you. Why don’t you leave and come back when you’ve calmed down.”

  “Why, ’cause that nigga called to tell you he was on his way?”

  “No, I don’t know why he’s calling. Maybe—”

  “Maybe my ass! You ain’t stopped fuckin’ with him so quit yo’ lyin’.”

  I couldn’t bear to see him so angry and he wasn’t going to stay another minute in my house. I spoke as politely as I could. “You’re not welcomed here under these conditions, Roc. Please don’t do this to us. You’re going to ruin what we have.”

  He pointed to his chest. “I’m gon’ ruin it? Nah, yo’ ass ruined this shit when you talked about callin’ the police on me! I thought you had my muthafuckin’ back? How you gon’ say some shit like that?”

  I held my lips together, trying to muffle my words. I could see that the wrong move would set him off and this was a dangerous position to be in.

  He was persistent with getting me to respond, and obviously, was used to the back-and-forth, fight-me-then-fuck-me drama.

  “Answer me, Dez!”

  I remained stone-faced, until Roc pulled the back of my hair, shoving me into the living room. I stumbled to the couch, where I fell face forward. I hurried to turn around and used my kicking feet to keep him at a distance.

  “You’re a real man, Roc. Is this the kind of shit in your uncle’s playbook!” I yelled.

  “And then some,” he said, trying to grab my swinging legs. I did my best to disable him by kicking between his legs, but to no avail. Roc’s strength was too much for me to handle. He gripped the back of my neck, while holding my face down on the couch. He used his other hand to tear at my panties, promising to give Reggie his sloppy leftovers. I wanted to cry so badly, but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. How could the man who just told me he loved me the other day, treat me so ill. Without a condom on, he plunged deep into me, pounding my insides hard. So hard, that when I felt the wetness between my legs, I didn’t know if it were my juices flowing or blood. Like a thief in the night, he busted me wide open, taking what did not belong to him. Did I consider it rape? Possibly, but as he questioned me about stopping, I encouraged him not to. I had to be out of my mind to feel anything for Roc, but there was something about the way he made me feel that I couldn’t control. I squeezed my eyes, taking deep breaths to soothe my excruciating pain. This couldn’t be happening , I thought. Why would he do this to me? Roc continued to tear into me like a hammer being slammed against a piece of meat. He finally let go of my neck and I felt him come inside of me. He slowly pulled out and a gush of his juices ran down my inner thighs. He breathed heavily, slowing it down with each breath. I eased myself away from him, rushing to the bathroom to clean up. I turned on the hot water and quickly got into the shower. First, I wet my face, just so Roc wouldn’t see the many tears that had fallen. I then scrubbed between my legs, and there was some blood that came onto the rag. I knew Roc would come into the bathroom, and when he did, it was filled with steam. I couldn’t even look at him, so all I did was stare at the wall in front of me without saying a word. He slid the glass door aside, then stepped into the shower facing me. His clothes were on, therefore, allowing them to get wet. He rubbed my wet hair back and wrapped his arms around my trembling body.

  “I am so, so sorry. I know you ain’t tryin’ to hear this, but I’ve been goin’ through so much shit lately and . . . and I never meant to take my problems out on you. My uncle Ronnie been on my back, the cops been snoopin’ around, and I don’t need to tell you what’s been goin’ down with me and Vanessa. I wasn’t goin’ to Vegas to deliver no product. I had plans to meet with some of Ronnie’s partners about some future possible connections, but that’s it. Other than that, the trip was ’bout you and me. You my peace of mind, baby. I need that shit, ma. When you said you’d call the cops on me, I didn’t know how to handle it. I do my best to avoid jail, Dez, and I’m fearful of a woman who start talkin’ that kind of shit. How I know you ain’t Five-O? I trusted you and I felt like you would betray me.”

  I still hadn’t said a word, and at this point, I didn’t have to. My psychotic look said it all and Roc knew that it was time to leave me alone.

  “Dezzzz,” he pleaded while touching my chin. I snatched my face away from his touch. “Baby, don’t do this. I know you, ma. You gon’ stop messin’ with me, ain’t you? Do—don’t do that and I promise I’ll never hurt you again. I promise . . . my word, my bond.”

  I looked up at Roc, blinking the constant dripping water from my eyelids. “Please leave,” I whispered. “I ca—can’t do this with you.”

  “Baby, please don’t say that. I’ll go, but not for long. Anything you want me to do, I’ll do it! I give you my word that nothin’ like this will happen again. I’ll stop smokin’ that shit, and if you want me to stop movin’ and shakin’ I’ll consider doin’ that too. I’ll stay right here with you, just so you can keep yo’ eyes on me. I ain’t lyin’ to you, baby. I need this shit between you and me. I fucked up, but I’m willin’ to make it right.”

  Roc wasn’t listening to me and was so determined to have his way. I honestly didn’t know what to do or where to turn. I wanted him out of my house, but he was so on edge. I’d thought about calling the police, but that would have made matters worse. Instead, I stepped out of the shower, wrapping myself with a towel. I laid across my bed, thinking about all that had happened. I knew I would never forgive Roc for what he’d done, and it broke my heart that this had come to an end. I cuddled the pillow next to me and several tears fell onto it. Roc removed his wet clothes, and after he dried himself, he wrapped the towel around his waist. He got in bed behind me, pulling me close to him.

  “I’m leavin’ in the mornin’. I wanna spend what may be my last night with you, holdin’ you in my arms. Trust, you’ve grown on me and I did my best not to bring my drama to you. I’m gon’ make some changes and only ’cause I care for you like that. You’ll see, yeah, you definitely gon’ see.”

  I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t see and mustered up enough courage to remain in bed with a man who I had lost all respect for. Morning couldn’t come soon enough, and I hoped and prayed that it would the last time I’d ever see Roc’s face again.

  Chapter Ten

  After all of the flowers, the apologetic cards, the ongoing phone calls to tell me how sorry he was, the unexpected visits to my job and to my house, and even the water in his eyes that I’d seen the other night as he’d pleaded for forgiveness on my porch . . . I still wasn’t moved. This had been going on for at least a month and Roc was driving me crazy. Finally, after not hearing from him for a couple more weeks, it seemed as if he’d backed off. I was okay with that, and my life had started to feel normal again. I got my phone number changed, not because of the phone calls from Roc, but because of the calls from his woman. She and her girlfriends were playing on my phone, and it frustrated me even more that I’d gotten myself caught up in some foolishness like this.

  I stopped at the bank on Friday, then headed for Target to pick up a few items. The March weather was playing tricks on us in St. Louis, and one day it was chilly and the next day the sun was shining bright. Today was kind of in-between. The sun was coming thr
ough for us, but it was a chilly forty-eight degrees outside.

  We’d had casual day at work, so I had on my off the shoulder fuchsia sweater, my fitted jeans, and black leather high-heel boots. Pantene had my hair on point, and it was full of everlasting body. While in Target, I reached for a cart and rolled it around to find some of the items I needed. I stopped in the lingerie section, looking for a new bra, then picked out a few simple cotton nightgowns to bum around the house in. Just as I was heading to look at the pots and pans, someone caught my eye. I saw him in the concession stand with his back turned and arms folded. He was talking to two young women who were standing in front of him, grinning ear to ear. Why wouldn’t they be happy? He wore jeans stitched in black-and-white and Nike body-fitting long-sleeve shirt looked dynamic against his dark chocolate skin. A black belt held up his pants and fresh black tennis shoes covered his feet. A Nike gym bag was on the floor next to him, and it appeared that he’d just come from the gym. The chicks must have said something funny, and when he turned his head sideways to blush, he also laughed, showing those addictive pearly whites. For sure, it was Roc and when he put the gym bag on his shoulder and covered his eyes with some dark shades, that was my cue to get back to shopping. I did watch him walk away from the concession stand and his fineness demanded attention. It was as if he was moving in slow motion, and looked as if he belonged in a rap video. The two women at the concession stand kept their eyes on him, several of the cashiers had turned their heads, and the women at customer service were nudging each other too. I took one last look, and when his head turned in my direction, I rolled my cart into the aisle. I picked out a new set of pots and pans, got some towels for Latrel, and couldn’t leave without my toiletries. I wanted to look for another book to read, but I changed my mind. The cashier bagged my items and once the transaction was finished, I headed out the door. No sooner than I stepped outside, I saw Roc leaned against the trunk of my car. His arms were folded and his legs were spread far apart. I rolled my cart right up to him, politely asking him to move so I could put my items in the trunk. He lifted the shades from his eyes, resting them on the top of his head. A book was on my trunk, and when I looked at it, it was the study guide for his GED.

  “Check this out,” he said, holding the book in his hand and turning to a particular page. “I’ve been doin’ some studyin’ but I’m confused about somethin’. Do you think you can help me with this problem? You seem like a pretty smart lady.”

  I popped my trunk, putting my bags inside. When I closed it, Roc pointed to the book. “Are you gon’ help me? I just need to know how to do this, that’s all.”

  I knew what he was up to, but I took the book and held it in my hand. He stood behind me while looking over my shoulder. “The one right there,” he said pointing to a mathematical equation. Honestly, I tried to figure it out, but couldn’t. And the longer I stood, the closer Roc got to me. “You look nice,” he whispered in my ear. “Can I get yo’ sevens again?” I quickly turned around, closing the book.

  “You’ll have to check in to this on the Internet or hire a tutor. I’ve been out of school for too long and I’ve forgotten how to do a lot of that stuff.”

  “Why can’t you tutor me? I’ll pay for your time.”

  “I just told you I didn’t know how to do it. You’ll be wasting your money.”

  I walked away, heading for my car door to get inside. “Wait—wait a minute,” Roc said, coming up to me. He handed me a large envelope.

  “I hope this isn’t some more stuff about Reggie. I really don’t care, Roc, and—”

  “No, trust me, it’s not. It’s somethin’ I want you to look at. I need yo’ help with that too.”

  I shrugged and opened my car door. “Sure.”

  Roc held the door so I wouldn’t close it. “Can I come over tonight?”

  “For what?”

  “’Cause I miss you, ma. I wanna make love to you and my dick ain’t been right since you’ve givin’ up on it.”

  “You got all these women out here throwing themselves at you and I doubt that your dick has been deprived. It never has been, nor will it ever be. My only problem is, how dare you take sex from me and not use a condom. I don’t know who Vanessa has been with, and I have not a clue how many women you’ve had sex with since you met me. In case you haven’t inquired, our city is high ranked when it comes to STDs. I’ve been thinking a lot about that night you hurt me Roc, have you?”

  “I think about it every single day. I wish like hell I can take it back, and you ain’t got to worry ’bout me givin’ you no disease. I stay strapped up, baby.”

  “So, are you honestly telling me I shouldn’t be worried? Are you saying that you’re 100 percent safe? Was I the only one giving you head without a condom? I doubt it, Roc, and damn you for putting me at risk.”

  “Why you bringin’ up all this shit? Did I give you somethin’?”

  “Not sure. But I got one hell of a discharge. I’m going to the doctor next week, and when I find out what’s going on with my body, you don’t want to be anywhere near me. Just leave me alone, okay?”

  Roc really didn’t have much else to say. I left the parking lot and pulled over at a nearby gas station to look inside of the envelope he’d given me. There were several pictures of him inside, all taken by a professional photographer. I smiled, looking through them one by one. Roc was absolutely gorgeous and he had definitely missed his calling to become a model. I truly hoped it wasn’t too late for him and I was pleased that he’d taken the photos. There was a note included and it read:

  Do me a favor and pass these on to some of your connections. Let’s see what’s up and thanks for yo’ encouragement. I need you, baby, now more than ever. I thought a Christian woman like yourself was taught to forgive. You are a Christian, aren’t you? PS. Can a nigga get his picture on the fridge? Kiss me in the mornin’ and just to let you know, I still kiss you every mornin’ too.

  Love, Snookums.

  I laid the pictures in the seat next to me and let out a deep sigh. Why did Roc have to take us there that day? I thought. I wanted him erased from my memory, but with him showing up all the time, that was so hard to do. I had to forget about him and maybe my doctor’s appointment would be just the jump-start I needed. I hoped there was nothing wrong with me, but with Roc being approached by so many women, I doubted that he was able to turn many of them away. I’m sure his young mind said “have at it” and I could only imagine what he’d been doing. I was so angry with myself for thinking I, and maybe Vanessa, were his only sexual partners. Still, I felt protected because we always used condoms. I silently prayed that everything would be okay, and until my appointment came, I knew I’d be on pins and needles.

  Monday had come too fast. My appointment wasn’t until Wednesday, and now I couldn’t stop going to the bathroom to urinate. I wasn’t sure what was going on and I hoped my condition wasn’t brought on by a sexually transmitted disease. I was so mad at Roc and I couldn’t get focused on doing my work while sitting at my desk.

  Around noon, Mr. Wright called me into his office. He asked me to close the door, and after I did, I took a seat in front of his desk. Closing the door meant something was serious so I listened in.

  “You’ve been here for almost fourteen years, Desa Rae, and I’ve been here for almost thirty. I got a call today from my boss, and unfortunately, they’re eliminating my job. As you know, the economy is weak and it’s definitely had an effect on us all. If they’re eliminating my job, I guess you know they’ll be eliminating yours too. I was told that we’ll have no more than three months to find another job, and after that, we’re out.”

  I sat there in disbelief. I had too many bills to pay and why did this have to happen to me now? I knew a lot of people had lost their jobs because of the economy, but it never dawned on me that I would be affected. Thank God my house was paid for, but I had to fork out a pretty penny each month for my Lincoln MKS and other bills. I had already made numerous cutbacks and really couldn’
t figure out how I could possibly make ends meet.

  “I don’t know what to say, Mr. Wright. I mean, what can I do? I have bills to pay, and ever since my divorce, I’ve relied on my paychecks from here. Is this final or did your boss say it was up for discussion.”

  “Unfortunately, Desa Rae, it’s final. You can start to apply for some of the other positions around here, but many of those are being cut too. I’m sorry, and I know how difficult things have been for you. You’ll get some money from the college, but not much. You can always draw your unemployment and maybe you do need to take some time off work. For a while, you seemed pretty upbeat. Then all of a sudden, things started to go back downhill. I’ve been keeping my eyes on you and you worry me. I know this news doesn’t help in any way, and I’ll do whatever I can to help you through this.”

  I was more than disappointed. I didn’t have what one would call, plan B. I didn’t have one with Reggie, didn’t have one with Roc, and now this. I sadly looked down at my lap, while fiddling with my fingernails. “So, what are you going to do, Mr. Wright? Aren’t you worried about this as well?”

  He leaned back in his chair, placing his hands behind his head. “I was going to retire in a few years anyway, so I consider this an early retirement. My wife and I have always put away for a rainy day, so we’ll be fine. If you haven’t already, you should start doing the same. These jobs are never promised to us, and even after years and years of service, they can all go down the drain. Unfortunately for us, that’s exactly what happened.”