Roc read the letter and nodded his head. I thought he would smile, but he didn’t. All he said was, “I’ll call them.”
“When?”
“Soon.”
The door came open and Ronnie walked out, closing it behind him. He gripped Roc’s shoulder. “I’m gon’ run to my car and get some mo blow. You a’ight? This bitch ain’t out here causin’ no trouble, is she?”
My hand trembled, and before I knew it, I swung out my hand, landing a hard slap across Ronnie’s face. “You lowlife son of a bitch,” I yelled. Roc grabbed my waist and Ronnie grabbed my neck, squeezing my jawline. He reached for his gun tucked behind him, placing it on the side of my head. I was beyond nervous and could feel the beads of sweat forming on my forehead.
“Man, don’t you do that shit!” Roc yelled. “Put that muthafucka down and cool the fuck out!”
Ronnie continued to hold his grip on me and the gun. “Nigga I told you to get this bitch under control, didn’t I?” He shoved my temple with the gun. “The only reason you gon’ live ’cause of that nigga you got growin’ in yo’ belly. If you wasn’t pregnant I would blow yo’ fuckin’ brains out for touchin’ me.”
Roc reached for the handle of the gun, moving it away from my head. He kept his arm around my waist, backing me away from Ronnie. He released his grip from my neck and turned to walk away.
“By the time I get back up here, her ass betta be gone. If not, I may change my mind ’bout killin’ her. Do the right thing, baby boy, I’ll be right back.”
Roc let go of my waist, and punched the door with his fist. “Why in the fuck did you just do that? I can’t believe this shit!”
My eyelids fluttered, and I thanked God for sparing my life again. I walked past Roc, making my way to the elevator.
“Dez,” Roc repeatedly yelled. I kept on walking. “Come back here!”
I got on the elevator, looking out at him by his door with his hands pressed against it. He could keep his double life, and after finally seeing what was going on with my own eyes, I couldn’t continue to be a part of this. This chapter in my life was now coming to a halt and it had been written in stone. Roc turned his head toward me, connecting our eyes once again. The elevator door slowly closed, validating a near end of what we had shared.
Chapter Thirteen
It was three days into Ronnie’s trial, and the only reason I’d known that is by keeping up with the news. Him and his posse, including Roc, had some heavy things going on, including money laundering, racketeering, possession of illegal drugs with the intent to sell, and even murder charges against Ronnie that apparently weren’t going to stick. The prosecutors were determined to get Ronnie on anything they had, but just by keeping up with everything that was going on, I could tell their case would be sloppy. Numerous people were arrested, and every day the news mentioned individuals who had been arrested for their connections to the crimes. I just knew I’d see Roc’s face on TV, but I never did.
The night before Roc was expected to testify, I couldn’t sleep at all. The baby kept moving too and I turned from side to side, trying to get comfortable. Around midnight, I got out of bed and went into the kitchen to get some orange juice. I stood drinking it, with thoughts of Roc heavy on my mind. I hadn’t talked to or heard from him since that day at his penthouse, and I wasn’t even sure if I was going to Ronnie’s trial. A huge part of me still wanted Roc to change his mind, and I knew if he’d see me, maybe, just maybe, he would come to his senses. I had no idea if he’d called the modeling agency back or not, but I hoped that tomorrow brought about more good news than bad.
I turned off the kitchen light, but heard a squeaking sound coming from my backyard. I cautiously walked to the door, and when I pulled it open, Roc was outside on the porch, sitting on my swing. He was smoking a cigar, but put it out with his foot before I walked up to him. I sat next to him, gathering my robe to close it. Yes, I wanted to slap him, curse him and order him to go home, but my heart went out to the man I’d had very strong feelings for. I could tell he was going through something deep and I felt no need to argue about the things I had witnessed at his penthouse, or about the double life he had apparently been living. Tonight, I would be there for Roc, but tomorrow he needed to be there for me. I took his hand, clinching it together with mine.
“Are you worried?” I asked. “I know that’s a dumb question, but—”
“Yeah, I’m worried. That’s why I’m here. I need peace and I always knew I could get that with you.”
“Then why didn’t you knock to let me know you were here?”
“I was goin’ to, but I wanted to chill out here first.”
I stood, trying to pull him up from the swing. “Come on, let’s go inside.”
“Nope,” he said, not making a move.
“Why? Because I’m in trouble?”
Finally, he smiled. The whites came out and so did the dimples. “Hell yeah, you in trouble. Big . . . twelve-inch trouble. Can I make love to you?”
As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t. It was now time for Roc to stop making me promises and show me that he was serious about changing his life around. “No, I don’t want to go there tonight. We have some things that need to be resolved, and you know exactly what they are. The last thing I want to do is bring more stress upon you, so let’s just go inside and enjoy our night together.” I took Roc’s hand, but he still didn’t budge.
“Nah, let’s stay right here,” he said. “We can play back the day when it all went down, and maybe I can persuade you to change yo’ mind.”
“But you complained about not having enough room. Remember?”
“Yeah, but I’ve gotten much more creative since then too.”
Roc remained on the swing, and I stood in front of him. I cradled his face with my hands, and he laid the side of his head against my stomach. “So, this may be it, huh?” I asked. “It doesn’t have to be, and remember, the choice is yours. Tell them about Ronnie, Roc. Free yourself and tell them everything you know. They want him, not you.”
Roc directed me back on the swing, lying behind me like when the first time he entered me. “I don’t want to talk about tomorrow, okay? This night is for you and me, ma, that’s it. Now, lay on yo’ back so I can kiss my baby.”
Since I’d been pregnant, Roc had been making me open my legs so he could “kiss his baby.” This night was no different as he placed tender loving kisses on the outside crotch of my panties because I wouldn’t remove them. Normally, he’d kiss my coochie lips, telling the baby how much he loved him. And even though things didn’t go as he had planned that night, my kisses were all that I could offer him. I lifted my head, giving him juicy, unforgettable kisses throughout the night, telling him how I managed to fall in love with him. The way I felt now, there was no more denying my feelings.
“Who you wit Roc? Tell me, who exactly are you with?”
“Wit you,” he assured. “I love you too and I’m stickin’ wit you.”
Tomorrow would surely tell if there was validity to his words.
The courtroom was packed with people, and I had just gotten there in time to find a place to sit. The normal crew was in full effect, and there was no doubt Vanessa would be there too. She was, but thank God she had sense enough to leave their son at home. She kept turning her head looking at me, and I was glad that my belly was now showing. I wore a beautiful white linen maternity dress and my hair was thick and full. Several black long beads draped from my neck and my Nine West Jamil open-toed sandals really set me off. Roc left early in the morning, and I hadn’t seen or talked to him since then. He told me he had to meet with Ronnie’s lawyers, and I prayed that everything went well. Before he left, I begged and pleaded with him again to do the right thing, but he never gave me confirmation. His embraces and continuous kisses to my forehead worried me. And before he left, he told me everything would be okay.
I sat biting my nails, waiting for things to get started. Every time Vanessa turned to look at me, I looked in another d
irection. I wasn’t there to confront her, I was there for Roc and that’s what was important. Ronnie had made his way into the courtroom and so had his lawyers. The prosecutors had been working their case for the last three days and now it was his lawyers’ turn. When the judge came in, everybody stood. My legs started to shake a bit, but calmed once I sat down. Roc hadn’t come in yet, but as soon as things got settled, Ronnie’s lawyers didn’t waste no time calling for their first witness. The first person they called was Roc. He came through the double wooden doors, dressed in a navy blue suit. A lighter blue shirt was underneath, closed tight by a silk tie. His hair was flowing with waves and his lining was done to perfection. He had toned down the diamonds, but did have one in his left ear. Everyone in the courtroom turned to take a look, and as he passed by me, he turned his head slightly to the side and winked. I watched as he made his way up front, and even though I couldn’t see if he’d made eye contact with Vanessa, her smile at him implied that he had.
Roc was sworn in, then took a seat on the witness stand. From the beginning, and question after question, Roc defended Ronnie. He almost made him seem like an angel, but everyone knew that was a bunch of bullshit. I was kind of happy by the way things were going until the prosecutor got his chance to cross-examine. That’s when things took a turn for the worse. The prosecutor yelled for Roc to “man up” and encouraged him not to perjure himself anymore than he already had.
“I want the truth!” he yelled, darting his finger at Roc. “The whole truth and nothing but the truth! With that,” he said, turning and pointing to Ronnie, “that son of a bitch goes to jail!”
I eased forward, uncrossing my sweating legs that had started to tremble. My eyes were glued to Roc, and after he glanced at me, his eyes shifted to Vanessa for a second. He then looked into his lap, clearing his throat.
“I—uh,” he paused, taking a swallow. He looked up, cocking his head from side to side to stretch it. He then looked at Ronnie and he slowly nodded. “Ronnie’s not the one who’s been behind all of this.”
I moved my head from side to side, tightening my lips to muffle my words. He took another glance at me and I mouthed no.
The lawyer opened his jacket, arrogantly placing his hands into his pockets. “Then who is responsible, Mr. Dawson? You? Somebody’s got to pay for these crimes, so tell me, will it be him or someone else?”
“It’s gon’ be me,” Roc admitted. “I’ve been the mastermind behind all of this and it should be me, not Ronnie.”
The courtroom erupted with noises, but none louder than the judge slamming down his gavel. With each loud thud, it felt as if he was slamming it into my heart. I deeply sucked in the air around me, trying not to faint. How could he? I kept thinking. I stared at him, hoping that he would make eye contact with me again. He did and I immediately had flashbacks of meeting him at the car wash, the club . . . our intimate moments from the swing, to the cabin. Talks, and movies . . . our lengthy walks in the park, the day I told him I was pregnant, to the late-night dinners we shared. I hoped he was thinking what I was and through the look in my eyes, I wanted to transmit our times together. Out of all those times together, though, last night stuck in my head like glue. I asked Roc who he was with, and he said, “me.” Today revealed what I expected all along. Roc wasn’t with me or in love with me. Fortunately, the same went for Vanessa. He was with Ronnie, and the love Roc had for him was worth giving up his freedom.
Following the plan, Roc confessed to the prosecutors all that he’d done. The entire courtroom took in every word he said and so had the judge. He called for the bailiff to arrest Roc and the courtroom turned into chaos. Vanessa wailed out loudly, dropping to her knees in tears. Some other people were crying, but many were left shaking their heads. Ronnie was leaned back in his chair with his hands resting on the back of his head. Roc stood tall, and without a blink, his eyes stayed on Ronnie. He put his hands behind his back, and for the last time, his eyes shifted to me. He winked again, and I got up, leaving my seat. I shed not one tear and didn’t dare to look back. Damn him, I thought. How or why did I ever allow somebody like him to come into my life?
The answer to my question came only a few months later. I gave birth to a five-pound, six-ounce baby girl. While going through my divorce with Reggie, I had asked God to take away my lonely nights and remove my pain. There were many mountains to climb and much pain to endure, but when my daughter was born, he gave me everything I had asked for and more. Latrel had been coming home from school more often, just to spend time with his little sister and me. Nothing in the world meant more to me than being with my children, and me making sure they fulfilled all of their dreams. I was overwhelmed with happiness when I saw the two of my children together and my family couldn’t have turned out any better.
Roc had been writing me for a little over a year, getting no response. I kept all of his letters and I was rarely moved by anything he said. He begged me to come see him, and wanted me to send pictures of myself and his child. I did neither and struggled with going to see him because I still had feelings for him. I didn’t even consider going to see him, until he or someone sent me his framed GED. He told me it belonged to me and wanted to make sure that his daughter knew all about him. I hadn’t a clue how Roc knew we’d had a daughter, but when it came to him, he had his ways.
The following week, I made arrangements to go see him. Latrel was home, so our daughter, Chassidy, stayed with him. Before leaving, I lifted my baby girl above my head, wiggling her around so I could get her to laugh. She laughed, having dimples just like Roc. Her eyes belonged to him too and so did her smile. I’d shopped her baby pictures around for modeling gigs, and had already gotten numerous responses. I tucked in my purse the pictures of her eating baby food, as well as the one with her laughing while playing with toys. The one with her in pampers was my favorite, so I put that one in my purse as well. No doubt, she inherited a gift from her parents, and I wanted to make sure she didn’t miss her calling.
I sat on the cold bench, waiting for Roc to come out. I was a year older, and my full figure was still going strong. After the baby, I had lost a measly four pounds but that was just fine with me. I didn’t want to look too sexy for Roc, and the casual khaki skirt and jacket I wore seemed right for the occasion. I crossed my legs, looking at the high arches on my feet and my mid-heel pumps. When the door opened, I quickly looked up and there stood Roc. A guard was behind him, but he stood at the door. Dressed in a blue oversized shirt and baggy jeans that cuffed at the bottom, he made his way over to me with a smile.
“It’s about damn time,” he said, sitting across from me. “I thought you’d never get here.”
I spoke softly, as seeing him always did something to me. It hurt like hell that all I could do was hug him, but could do none of the things I’d dreamed of doing over the year. “How have you been? In your letters you seem fine, but—”
“I’m good, but I can always be better, you know? I miss doin’ me, and this place don’t allow any of that.”
“I’m sure it has its limitations and you are definitely not the kind of man who plays by the rules.”
Roc laughed. “That’s puttin’ it mildly. Ronnie makes sure that I get some special privileges in here, so I work with what I can.”
The thought of Ronnie made me cringe and I instantly got quiet.
“So, where my pictures at? I know you brought me some.”
I had to be thoroughly checked before coming in, and the pictures of his daughter had been placed in a Ziploc bag. “This is Chassidy,” I said, handing the pictures over to him. “She’s a baby model and has a really bright future waiting for her.”
Roc grinned from ear to ear while looking at the pictures, seeing himself in her. “Damn, she gorgeous,” he said. “I had no doubt she’d be this pretty and we did good, didn’t we?”
“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “Latrel told me to tell you hi too, and the two of them spend a lot of time together.”
“Tell that nig—tell �
�em I said what’s up. Reggie ain’t been snooping around, has he, or are you gon’ hang in there and wait for me?”
Roc put his hands behind his head, waiting for an answer. The guard reminded him to keep his hands on the table so he could see them.
“No, Reggie hasn’t been coming around and I’ve been pretty content by myself.”
“But you ain’t answer the second part to my question . . . are you gon’ be there for me when I get out of here? I’ve been readin’ a lot . . . even been reading some of those damn books you read. It be some freaky shit goin’ on in them books, and no wonder yo’ ass stay horny. I also been talkin’ to a brotha in here ’bout how I can earn myself another degree. I already started to sharpin’ my skills and you’d be surprised ’bout all I’ve been doin’ in here.”
“Are you willing to do those things when you get out? That’s the question. I can’t make you any promises, Roc, and unfortunately, I can’t keep coming back here seeing you like this. I am still so angry for what you cost us, and I don’t know when I’ll be able to completely forgive you.”
Roc looked down at Chassidy’s pictures. “Sounds like I’m in trouble?” He smiled.
I laughed. “Big-ass trouble!”
“Well, it’s a good thing that trouble don’t always last too long. I’m gon’ get out of here, ma, and I comin’ for you. I ain’t gon’ make you no promises ’bout what I’m gon’ do, and I know I just gotta show you what’s up.”
“Whatever you do, do it for yourself. Now, I gotta get back home. Latrel is heading back to school tonight and I told him I wouldn’t be long.”
Roc nodded and reached out to touch my hand. “Take care of my baby and keep sending me pictures. I still got that one of you that was on my fridge, but I want more. These niggas in here goin’ crazy over that picture of you, and I still kiss that muthafucka every mornin’ I wake up. I miss rockin’ my pussy to sleep and I sometimes go crazy ’cause I can’t get at it. I appreciate everything you done for me, Dez, and no matter what you think, I have a special kind of love for you in my heart. This shit was destined and it couldn’t have turned out any other way. It was time for me to pay the piper and so be it.”
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