Another company, Wearable Experiments, has made what it describes as a “smart jacket” to help women navigate unfamiliar cities. Just link it with the GPS on your phone. It uses vibrators built into the shoulder pads to guide you along. If you feel a vibration on your left shoulder, turn left. If you feel a vibration on your right shoulder, turn right. If you feel a vibration in your underpants, you’ve put it on wrong—also, you probably won’t care if you get where you’re going.
Of course, one of the most talked-about new gadgets has been Google Glass. Are you excited about Google Glass?? Finally we have the ability to purchase a revolutionary product that gives us the same features we already have on our phones but without all the hassle of needing to glance slightly downward.
Glass has been described by some as a “hands-free, voice-activated, augmented-reality headset”—and by me as a “dork monocle.” What’s important is this: Google wants you to want one. The company hyped Glass for what feels like years. And it stoked demand for the device by selling a limited number of prototypes to people it refers to as “Glass Explorers”—because that doesn’t sound super-nerdy at all.
Google Glass represents a big step forward for society. No longer shall we stare rudely into our phones in the presence of others. Now we can technically make eye contact while actually browsing LOLCats.
Sure, Glass has for privacy reasons been banned from many strip clubs and casinos—but that’s not going to hurt sales too much. How many could Charlie Sheen have bought, anyway? And sure, Glass looks ridiculous. Google has spent a fortune on photo shoots in which preposterously gorgeous subjects, men and women who would never wear Glass, wear Glass. Even they look as if they’re dressed up for Comic-Con. Push Google Glass over your ears and nose and even Bluetooth Headset Guy will gesture in your direction and ask: “Hey, who’s the asshole?”
But I have a soft spot for Google. I’m predisposed to like any company that’s done so much to help so many find pictures of naked ladies. And there’s certainly no denying that Glass has a long list of features. For instance, you can use it to snap a photo. That’s exciting, right? You’ve probably got only one or two or three devices that already do that.
True, some scientists say wearing computerized eyewear for long stretches could mess up our “neural circuitry” and affect how our brains process sight. But on the other hand, you can ask Glass questions! Questions like “How long is the Brooklyn Bridge?” or “Why does everyone keep looking at me like that?” Heck, you can even use the Google Hangouts software to video-chat with your friends—and they can see what you’re looking at! Think of all the time you’ll save not having to describe your parents’ basement.
There are other advantages to being a Glass owner. For instance, the vast majority of non-nerds will likely refer to what you’re wearing as Google Glasses—thus presenting you two hundred times a day with the opportunity to firmly set folks straight. This is a terrific way to meet new people and have them think you’re a jagoff.
And let us not overlook the potential impact of Glass on our mating rituals. We are mere months away from a wave of young, single men arriving at bars with the same thought in their heads: “Surely attractive women will be powerless to resist the allure of my face computer.”
Why does the world need Glass? According to Sergey Brin, one of Google’s co-founders, Glass is more than a gadget. It’s an emancipator. It’s going to free us all from having to hold a mobile phone in our hands and manipulate it with our fingers—a process that Brin refers to as “emasculating.”
Two things about that. One, could Sergey Brin have been using his phone the wrong way? Mine sometimes gives me cramps in my fingers but never in my man parts. And two, is gently flicking a small screen in order to gain access to the vast repository of human knowledge contained within the internet really that onerous a task? Brin says it is. He thinks of fingers on screens and asks: “Is this what you’re meant to do with your body?” Whereas with Glass, you can put your body to use as nature intended—absorbing punches from the guy in the men’s room who saw you glance over and thinks you may have snapped a photo of his junk.
People are suspicious of Glass because they’re suspicious of Google. Perhaps you’ll recall that Google took heat a while back for revisions to its privacy code, which the company described as “enhancing the user experience” and critics described as another terrifying step along an apocalyptic path toward an all-knowing, all-seeing corporate dictatorship and the utter annihilation of human identity. (I’m paraphrasing.)
The company now brings together and analyzes the things you search for on the web, discuss in your email, watch on YouTube, type into your calendar—and combines all that information into a single user profile. This (a) enables Google to better tailor the ads you see on your computer screen, and (b) is nothing sinister. Who said anything about sinisterness?
There’s one thing that Google executives and their critics agree on: the debate over privacy is only going to intensify as the company grows in size, influence and—especially—ambition. Here’s a calendar of milestones to expect in the months and years ahead:
Spring 2017: Watch for the launch of Google Career, a proprietary real-time system that lets us know precisely which career options we’ve scuttled by posting lurid details of our drunken antics on Facebook and Google+. Today, a young woman can only guess at the occupational repercussions of an iPhone video of her tabletop striptease. But soon, thanks to Google Career, she’ll be empowered to instantly learn that she’ll never crack a Fortune 500 company, earn more than $45,000 a year or regain the love of her father.
Fall 2017: A few years ago, many experts believed that consumers would resist sharing their personal files and information with a massive and mysterious central computer system beyond their understanding. But then someone came up with the term cloud, and suddenly everyone was cool with it. Clouds are so fluffy and nice! Surely no soft, white cloud would ever steal my identity! With this in mind, Google is expected to brand its intrusive and excruciatingly painful new mind probe as Google Bunny Rabbit.
December 2017: Just in time for the holidays, watch for the rollout of Google Psych, an online therapist to whom we will be encouraged to reveal our innermost thoughts, fears and credit card numbers. Complex algorithms will calculate exactly which YouTube video of kittens will make us feel better.
Spring 2018: In the span of a few months, the informal but long-standing Google corporate motto—Don’t Be Evil—will be subtly tweaked to Don’t Be Too Evil, then Don’t Be Always Evil and, finally, MWAHAHAHA!
June 2018: This marks the next anticipated updating of the Google privacy code. Under the new terms of use, the company will combine and market the information that users reveal through the full range of Google services, and also in our tax returns and bedside diaries. This will improve Google’s ability to ensure advertisements are as relevant and persuasive as possible when implanted into our dreams.
July 2018: Addressing concerns about the amount of information it is amassing, Google will remind users that it is easy to avoid having personal data collected and repurposed. All you need to do is get rid of your personal computer, mobile phone, electronic devices, forearm implants, gold fillings and pubic hair (you don’t want to know why). Those who do so will have but one remaining gadget at their disposal—the Etch A Sketch. And bad news: the porn on that thing is pretty primitive and, no matter how hard I try, the boobs always wind up kind of square.
2019: The company bails out the US government, saving it from bankruptcy in exchange for naming rights. God bless the United Googles of Google.
2020: Expected date on which users can configure a Google Alert that will recount all instances in which they come up in other people’s daydreams. Google Alert! Steve from accounting just imagined hitting you on the forehead with a hammer!
2022: Until this day you had to actively think about golf in order for Google to delive
r ads directly to your brain stem from online vendors of golf clubs. Now, thanks to Google Subconscious, all you need to do is think about thinking about golf. Rest assured your innermost feelings, preferences and desires are safe and will never be sold by Google to a third party, unless it’s a pretty good offer.
But enough about your brain stem. Technological progress has its upsides, too. For instance, it looks as though this whole “self-driving car” thing is for real and will be available commercially in the 2020s—despite the many drivers who demonstrate every day that they don’t need some fancy autonomous vehicle in order to completely zone out behind the wheel. I’m doing it right now while I type this chapter. [Also takes bite of hamburger.]
Before I go any further, this must be noted for the record: somewhere, at some time along the way, someone decided that it was more important to design a self-driving car than a flying car. This person should be forcibly restrained and waterboarded with a pail of my tears. Flying cars are the only reason I yearned to become a grown-up, and without them adult life has been a pungent morass of soul-consuming misery. Thanks for nothing, anonymous dream-crusher.
I’ll be honest: some are skeptical about the robocar. Yes, automakers like Nissan boast of working out the kinks by collaborating with researchers at leading universities. This sounds great until you read the following quote from a Japanese professor who’s considered a pioneer in the field: “It is hard or almost impossible to detect pedestrians, especially children and cyclists, and to forecast their behaviours.” That’s awesome! So, to sum up: we’ve totally nailed this super-car technology except for the part about not driving directly into people. I’ll take two!
Human drivers have—and will always have—an advantage over lasers and sensors. Through experience, we can sense when a pedestrian is about to dart into traffic. We see it in their eyes and their body language. And that allows us to react in the proper way—by laying on the horn and shouting out the window, “Keep it on the curb, dickhead!”
Consider some of the other shortcomings of the self-driving car:
Robbed of the ability to get behind the wheel and rev the engine in a needlessly aggressive fashion, how exactly are the young men of the future supposed to persuade young women to desire them? Through genial conversation and disarming romantic gestures? What is this, the Renaissance??
The muscle cars of yore had tough names like Cobra and Mustang—monikers that suggested speed, power, danger. Are people really going to line up to buy the Nissan Dawdle?
The intricate internal software may leave your car vulnerable to hackers who could override your vehicle’s systems and program it to take you somewhere horrible, like Burger King or Saskatoon.
One of the great joys of life is witnessing a road-rage incident between two hotheads. It’s just not going to be the same when it’s an exchange between tech-laden automobiles: Nissan Dawdle: 101101010101111!
Lexus Tedium: 01010101#%@*01110!!!!
There’s a bigger issue, though: Have we really thought this through?
Today’s humans represent the most impatient incarnation of our species ever. We get uppity when it takes more than 0.46 seconds to download that video of a bulldog on a trampoline. And we’re going to get jazzed about iCars that drive at the speed limit and come to a complete stop at each and every four-way? I predict some people will sit back and let their shiny new 2025 Mercedes Blah putter away for as long as two minutes before grabbing the wheel, stepping on the gas and hollering, “This is how you drive, Grandma Roboto!”
And oh, by the way, let’s not forget: driving is fun. It’s about more than getting there—it’s about calculating the quickest route, making the slickest pass, finding the best parking spot. There’s a thrill in speeding into a corner, hitting the apex just right, sliding through the apex because there was black ice on the road, spinning the wheel madly while screaming, “No! Sweet Jesus, nooooooo!” and correcting it just in time to avoid death by plummeting.
Many questions about the autonomous car have yet to be answered. Will we be able to “drive” drunk if we’re not really driving? Will it be okay to make out while in motion? Can Rob Ford send it on its own to pick up a “cannelloni” on Dixon Road?
But the biggest question is: Do we really need another activity that we experience passively? Take a good look at us—do we want to off-load yet another activity so we can free up more time to stare into screens? And do any of us—any of us—yearn to see a movie car chase that features fuel-efficient acceleration and properly signalled turns?
While leading scientists strive to put limo, taxi and getaway drivers out of work, there’s also a race around the globe to produce a more affordable automobile to serve the growing middle class in emerging countries like China and India.
A few years back, India’s Tata Motors took a shot at producing the world’s cheapest car—the Nano, a $2,500 subcompact that would, according to some analysts, “revolutionize” the automobile industry.
Let’s take a closer look.
Congratulations on your purchase of a Tata Nano! By taking your place behind the wheel of “the People’s Car,” you join thousands of others who are thrilled to have finally found an automobile that blends the aerodynamic efficiency of a gumdrop with the power and performance of a golf cart. Please read this owner’s manual to ensure you get the most out of your new Nano.
Engine: The Nano delivers 33 horsepower. On one hand, this is up to 100 horsepower less than many small cars. But on the other, it is 32 horsepower more than a horse! Your move, Trigger.
Acceleration: According to road tests, the Nano goes from zero to 100 km/h in … theory. (Sanjay had her pushing 83 km/h as of Wednesday, and reckons he’ll hit 93 km/h by this manual’s second printing.) We know for a fact, however, that the Nano is capable of achieving an impressive top speed of 123 km/h.*
* when pushed off a very high cliff.
Seating: Your new Tata Nano seats five! If comfort is desired, then the Nano seats four. If breathing is desired, then three, max. If the preservation of social status is desired, then it doesn’t matter how many people it seats because no one will ever get into this car with you.
Air Bags: There are no air bags.
Radio: There is no radio.
Air Conditioning: Ha ha! You’re funny!
Amenities: All Nanos come standard with steering wheel and opening and closing doors. Your Nano also has one windshield wiper. This cuts down on “maintenance costs” because you only have to replace a single wiper blade! Note: it also cuts down on “seeing things.”
Roadside Assistance: Tata Motors does not offer roadside assistance for the Nano. However, the Nano can be easily transported to a nearby service station inside most fanny packs.
Structure: Part of what makes your Nano so affordable is that costly materials such as steel have been replaced with lighter alternatives such as plastic, cardboard and the power of prayer. But don’t worry! Your Nano is built to endure every bodily impact up to and including a heavy drizzle.
Troubleshooting Your Tata Nano
Problem: Strange noises.
Solution: Turn off vehicle. Remove key. If noises persist, roll up window. Sound of laughter and heckling from passersby should be slightly diminished.
Problem: Car doesn’t start.
Solution: Lift the hood. Give the hamster a poke. Instruct him to get back on the wheel and start running. Use scolding tone and make threatening gesture (if necessary).
Problem: Brakes don’t seem to be working that well.
Solution: When you press your feet to the road, try to really dig in those heels. Scientific research suggests that a plume of smoke should be emitted from the feet under typical braking. (Source: The Flintstones)
Problem: Uncertain to what extent Bruce Springsteen’s songs would have been different if he’d driven a Nano while growing up.
Solution: “
Thunder Road” would go something like this …
Whoa ho, come take my hand
We’re riding out tonight to case the promised land …
Eventually.
You’re not in a hurry, are you baby?
Stop complaining—the promised land ain’t going anywhere, all right? Jesus.
I AM stepping on the gas.
Fine. Get out and walk.
You’re walking pretty fast, Mary, but I’m bound to catch you when I get going downhill …
Also, “Drive All Night” wouldn’t be a love song—it would be a chronicle of his trip to the corner store.
Problem: You step on the gas pedal but hardly anything happens.
Solution: Spend more than $2,500 on a car.
Thanks again for purchasing a Tata Nano. And remember: the Nano was designed with family in mind—your family! So let them drive it.
Hmm, so maybe robocars are the way to go after all. Besides, the Japanese have been hard at work ensuring we’ll have something to do to pass the time on the long drive home. While other nations were wasting scientific brainpower on developing moon bases and mulling over the origins of the universe, the Japanese were selflessly devoting themselves to a more practical pursuit: building a better sex doll.
Obsolete now are the crude blow-up dolls featured in countless Hollywood comedies and the back seat of my car on prom night. In their place, the Tokyo-based company 4Woods manufactures “lifelike” silicone companions with “hyper-real” mouths and “ultra-real” breasts. As 4Woods declares on its website: “Our pursuit of high quality beauty for visual effects and durability for practical play have been realized!” Happy alone fun time!
The Future and Why We Should Avoid It Page 2