Having intimate relations with your new Japanese “love doll” couldn’t be simpler. You don’t need to inflate her (as with a traditional doll) or get her drunk (as with a traditional Lohan). You simply remove your doll from its storage sack (complimentary with purchase!) and allow nature—and years of painstaking industrial research—to take its course. All in the comfort and privacy of your own shame!
These new sex dolls sell for a little more than $5,000 each. That’s a lot of money—but a visit to the manufacturer’s website leaves the impression that crafting a state-of-the-art twenty-first-century sex partner was an engineering challenge on par with building the Brooklyn Bridge or Pamela Anderson. There is discussion of the “hyper-anatomical” body frame, the highly durable and easily reparable “skin” and the “33 degrees of increased movement on a new single axis on a double joint.” (For the record, Anderson herself routinely achieves a remarkable 47 degrees of increased movement, but that’s due to a pelvic injury suffered during a tragic honeymooning accident.)
One problem with sex dolls of olden times was the lack of realism in the chestal-type region (I’m told). Basically, the breasts felt like air bags (I’m told). They totally killed the mood that night at the lake (I’m told). But these Japanese sex dolls feature “new-materials technology inside a breast!” Specifically, a special “elastomer gel” provides a more authentic feel. The company brags: “The softness can be checked!” I love that. The softness can be checked. This helps to explain why all dolls come with a small square of paper that reads, “Inspected by Number Tiger Woods.”
Listen to me: I sound like an advocate for these things. But I’m not here to sell you on a Japanese sex doll. And I’m certainly not in any way angling to have a free Japanese sex doll, preferably the Mitsumi model, delivered in an unmarked crate to my work address after business hours. For no unethical reason whatsoever, we should probably wrap things up by considering the many ways in which a high-tech Japanese Sex Doll is vastly superior to an Actual Living Woman. Here is a full list:
“You can choose your favorite head!” That’s right—4Woods offers eleven different female heads that “have very rich individuality and originality.” Extra heads can be purchased separately (for $765 apiece) and quickly snapped onto your sex doll. Voila! Suddenly you’re making it with upward of a dozen pretend women. Take that, ordinary everyday loser!
Did I mention one head has pigtails? Or that another wears a nurse’s hat? Oh, and one looks like she’s sleeping for some reason. More important, when is the last time an Actual Living Woman removed her head? Fine, Rosie O’Donnell. But she has to do that so she can feed in her natural form.
A Japanese Sex Doll won’t make fun of you for owning a Japanese Sex Doll, whereas an Actual Living Woman almost definitely will, probably by creating a Facebook group.
I don’t want to pigeonhole the Japanese just because they’re creating something stupid like a sex doll. In all fairness, they’re creating a whole bunch of other stupid stuff too.
Among the hot new items in Japan is a cutting-edge fitness tracker—for dogs. It’s marketed under the name Wandant, which its manufacturer claims is a combination of two Japanese words—presumably “half-witted” and “consumer.”
How does it work? Simply attach the Wandant to your dog’s collar and sync it with your mobile phone. To complete the process, gaze at yourself in the mirror and wonder what has become of your life. For the record, “extra-obsessive dog owners can manually enter information such as stool condition and add photos.” I assume they mean photos of the dog, not the stool—but then again, why assume that? These people created a fitness tracker for dogs. They’re capable of anything.
Besides, the Japanese do have something of a preoccupation with bodily functions. Consider the toilet—specifically, the new Neorest 700H from Toto.
Most North Americans are content with basic toilet amenities like “a hole” and “the ability to make it all go away.” Not the Japanese. The 700H comes equipped with a heated seat, a light (so you can see in glorious detail what you leave in … uhh, why does it have a light again?), a remote control, a pulsating water spray and a warm-air dryer. Apparently the ottoman and eight-track tape player are sold separately. Meanwhile the toilet’s Power Catalytic Deodorizer uses “activated oxygen to break the molecular bonds of odor,” an advance so remarkable it renders obsolete 60 percent of the jokes in Adam Sandler’s movies. The only thing this toilet doesn’t do is actually go for you—although scientists are apparently working on that in a top-secret and very unpleasant laboratory.
The Japanese take great national pride in their leadership role in what they describe as the “evolution of toilet culture.” Canada? Not so much. Our most recent contribution to the evolution of toilet culture was leaving behind the sports section for the next guy. And we pioneered that in 1932.
(Just to demonstrate that I know perhaps a little too much about the latest in Japanese toilet technology, I would point out that Japan’s devotion to tech-laden toilets is not without its drawbacks. The Japan Warm Water Bidet Council—slogan: We Can’t Believe We Exist Either!—has received more than a hundred reports of toilets flaming or smoking since 1984, usually on account of faulty wiring. In a curious coincidence, the Japan Council for the Screaming of “Holy Crap My Ass Is on Fire!” has also received more than a hundred reports since 1984, usually on account of an ass being on fire. The government responded to this crisis by launching a formal investigation into toilet wiring. Companies recalled hundreds of thousands of toilets for repairs. And the citizenry reacted with typical Japanese stoicism, patiently holding it for four to six weeks.)
Anyway, where was I? Oh, right, the Neorest 700H. During his or her lifetime, a typical human will spend upward of ninety-two days on or in front of the toilet—though usually not all at once. But it’s not just about comfort. Toto claims that by “pre-misting” the toilet bowl with electrolyzed water, the Neorest “aids in the elimination of waste approximately 80 per cent better than a dry bowl.” This seems as good a time as any to update the list of the world’s worst jobs:
Child soldier
Toto employee forced to calculate the percentage of additional poop eliminated by pre-misting
President of the United States
Other bum-based products abound in Japan. The country’s businessmen reportedly swear by a new line of underwear designed to, and I quote, “solve your smelly-fart problem.” The technology behind Deoest underpants was developed by Prof. Hiroki Ohge of Hiroshima University, who “analyzed the smells of people’s flatulence and … ” actually, why don’t we just end the quote right there. We can imagine the rest. Bottom line: the company claims its underwear “filters out 95 per cent” of the smell of human flatulence. To which I say: What math machine did they use to determine, “Yep, that’s the unmistakable aroma of exactly one-twentieth of a fart?” Show your work, Prof. Hiroki Ohge.
And then there’s the White Goat, which shreds office paper and transforms it into toilet paper. This is clever as a metaphor but not so much as a product, in that the machine costs $100,000 and is approximately the size of Peru. There’s video of this thing in action: it takes half an hour to turn a forty-page report into a roll of toilet paper that looks every bit as cottony-soft as a handful of cedar mulch.
Feeling tense (possibly because your employer just bought a White Goat)? Maybe the new Mondiale Head Spa iD3 is for you. After all, what could be more relaxing than taking a futuristic plastic device crammed with wires, heat pads and several scalp-squeezing, air-filled cushions and fitting it snugly over the place where you keep your brain?
One final breakthrough to report. A company is marketing a notebook with pages that are “specially designed … to be easily ripped apart.” You know, unlike regular paper, which is impervious to human force and has the tensile strength of sapphire. To be fair, the company claims its paper has been manufactured to sh
red for “maximum satisfaction.” We can only assume that this means it comes printed with the lyrics to John Mayer songs.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
An open letter to the person with whom I was having a nice conversation until he looked down at his phone and started pecking away at the keyboard for, like, ten minutes.
Dear Señor Jerkface,
I’m not a big “manners” person. I don’t care which fork you use to eat your salad, so long as it’s not mine. But while you and I are dining together, perhaps you would deign to keep your hands and eyes off your mobile phone for more than thirty seconds at a time.
No? Very well—might I see your device for a moment? How sleek and stylish! And how very clumsy of me to accidentally drop it into my soup, then drop the soup into a crocodile, then push the crocodile out of a helicopter.
Don’t get me wrong: I understand how important it is for you to stay in constant, utterly relentless touch with your many friends, avatars and close, personal LinkedIn contacts. I grasp what a gruelling ordeal it now will be for your Twitter followers to go ninety whole minutes without knowing precisely where you stand on quantitative easing or the introduction of Cousin Oliver on The Brady Bunch. On the other hand: I am sitting right here.
Ah, I see you have a second phone. And I am all out of crocodiles. So be it.
Forgive me for interjecting as you enter the third exciting minute of “texting a buddy,” but perhaps you have heard of a new gimmick meant to restore actual human eye contact to meals. Upon arriving at a restaurant, all those who are dining together must place their phones in the middle of the table: the first person to reach for his or her device is obliged to pick up the entire dinner tab. I, for one, think this is a great idea but would add one small tweak: everyone at the table should also get to stab that person in the hand with a fork.
I take it from your reaction that you don’t support this—and also that my fork hurts.
Let me assure you, dear friend, that I am not blind to the virtues of the smartphone. It empowers instant communication. It enhances workplace productivity, especially if your company is in the business of obliterating green cartoon pigs. Plus, as you have demonstrated, it provides a convenient way to let people know they are not very interesting.
This used to be much harder in the olden days, when you’d have to use subtle signals like theatrical yawning. Now when your friends start telling you about the accomplishments of their children, you can simply glance at your device. It’s a real time saver.
Ah, your phone is vibrating yet again. I sense my opportunity approaching.
You: Sorry, I just need to … [you lapse into silence.]
Me: Hey, can I have one of your kidneys?
You [distracted]: Mmm-hmm.
Me: Great!
You [looking up]: Sorry, what did you just say?
[I reach for scalpel.]
I agree you are by no means alone in your habits. In the days before the last federal election, I sat down for drinks with five Ottawa journalists, and at one point all of them lapsed into silence, staring into their phones. I didn’t know what to do. Should I look at my phone and pretend I had an urgent message to return? Would five smartphones even fit inside a crocodile?
Perhaps you’ve been led to believe that your station in life is of sufficient importance that you are justified in the comically habitual checking of your emails and texts. And maybe you’re right! After all, there are two groups of people who get a free pass to constantly gaze at their phones during dinner:
Brain surgeons who abruptly left in the middle of brain surgery and are checking in to see if maybe they ought to go back and finish the brain surgery
Current presidents of the United States of America (basketball scores only)
If you don’t fit into one of these categories, perhaps you could hold off on using your phone until you pretend to need to go to the bathroom (even though later I am sure to discover you were actually in there retweeting a cat video).
Sincerely,
The Human Person in Your General Vicinity
Throughout the book, I’ll answer some of the more pressing queries that confront our society as we move into the future.
Tough Question: When will we have a cloak of invisibility like in the Harry Potter books?
This may surprise you, but researchers are actually working on this—and they appear to be getting closer. Apparently the whole thing hinges on something called “metamaterial”—which negatively refracts light in such a way that it could render objects effectively invisible. I don’t want to get bogged down in the science of it all, but the principle is similar to how the 1990s acted on the film career of Judd Nelson.
That said, I’m not sure I see this development as uniformly positive. Yes, we’ll be able to hide huge objects, like frigates and most of Gary Busey’s teeth. But I’m worried about this trend of the fictional world bleeding into the real world. The consequences could be dire. How long until our most attractive young ladies begin to think of Woody Allen as sexually desirable? How will we cope when all of our romantic relationships are set to a montage featuring a song by Smash Mouth? It’s too high a price to pay.
The Future and Why We Should Avoid It
Reason No. 2: Leisure
Welcome to the airport security checkpoint. Please pay attention to all instructions and signage as we guide you through new procedures and attempt to minimize travel delays to and within the United States.
Important: if you need to expedite the screening process in order to make your flight, please identify yourself to uniformed security personnel, who have the authorization to point at you and laugh.
You are now entering the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) screening zone. Only masochists are permitted past this point. Signs have been positioned to help estimate wait times. Senior citizens may join the lineup only if their affairs are in order.
Please be advised of restrictions on liquids in your carry-on baggage. Liquids in containers measuring 100 millilitres or more are prohibited, as are liquids deemed “weird.” Place all other liquids and gels into a clear plastic bag. Make sure the bag is clear, so everyone can see your Anusol.
Seal the bag, place a sticker over the seal to preserve the seal’s integrity, sign the sticker with your full legal name to preserve the sticker’s integrity, then deposit the bag into a garbage can. No liquids are permitted on board.
At this point, please remove and discard any and all sharp objects from your pockets, your baggage and your imagination. Passengers who mentally picture a box cutter, a butter knife or nail clippers will trigger the alarm on the MindSweeper™, at which point their subconscious will be strip-searched.
Any reference to “bombs” will be taken seriously, and offenders will be prosecuted. To be safe, you may want to avoid bringing up the last ten years of John Travolta movies.
Do not hum.
You are now approaching the screening checkpoint. Passengers travelling with small children and strollers are at this point asked to take the train instead.
Important: books are permitted on flights to and within the United States, but you’ve probably finished yours by now.
Please be advised that, for security reasons, there are new limitations on the size of carry-on bags. Only one (1) bag smaller than 7 cm × 3 cm × 0.5 cm—approximately one regulation Chiclets box—is permitted. (Chiclets themselves are strictly prohibited.)
In accordance with recent changes to operational procedures, you are now required to remove your shoes. Step forward. Now remove your belt. Step forward again. Remove your pants. Passengers attired in shorts, skirts, dresses or kilts are at this point required to leave and purchase a pair of pants, which must subsequently be removed.
Trousers deemed “terroristy” by screening personnel are subject to confiscation. Trousers with
waists in excess of forty-eight (48) inches are subject to one (1) reference to that Jared guy from Subway.
If you are travelling with a laptop computer, remove it from your bag and place it in a plastic bin. Place your cellphone and iPod in a separate bin. Place your keys, coins and other metallic objects in a third bin. Remove your suit jacket and place it in a fourth bin, along with your overcoat, your hat and your will to live.
Are you travelling with a cane? Do you really need one? Let’s find out.
Please present to the security agent your boarding pass, your passport, a second piece of identification, a DNA sample (fresh), your mother, and two notarized images of a CAT scan no more than seven (7) days old.
Proceed forward and stand behind the screen of the body scanner. Raise your arms from your torso, position your legs slightly apart and form your face into an expression that suggests you’re trying hard to remember if you wore underwear today.
Please wait until security personnel signal you to proceed through. Passengers with metal plates, pacemakers or awesome bodies will require secondary screening.
Proceed to the Manual Inspection Area for a mandatory pat-down. To make passengers more comfortable with this highly invasive process, a TSA agent will first buy them dinner.
Please be advised that if a potential menace to civilian aircraft somehow circumvents this security checkpoint, passengers on board the aircraft will be required to act quickly to subdue the threat. To prove you’re up to it, please step forward and tackle All-Pro running back Adrian Peterson. Can’t do it? Two words: Grey. Hound.
Proceed to the checkout area and swipe your credit card to pay your mandatory Security Screening Surcharge. A 15 percent gratuity will be applied to the bills of all passengers who have been probed rectally.
Congratulations! You have now cleared the TSA’s Security Screening Checkpoint. Please gather your possessions, continue forward and proceed to your appointed departure gate, which is located just beyond the TSA’s Secondary Security Screening Checkpoint.
The Future and Why We Should Avoid It Page 3