The line forms here.
Three weeks later.
Welcome aboard! We encourage you to pay attention to this short video as we outline the safety features and amenities of this aircraft. Economy-class passengers: please deposit fifty (50) cents to continue.
The hectic pace of the terminal is behind you now. You’ve paid the Fuel Surcharge. You’ve tagged your own bags at check-in, searched your own bags at security and sold your own bags to pay the Baggage Surcharge.
You’ve been weighed for the Chubby Surcharge and measured for the Height Surcharge. Now we invite you to sit back and relax! (A surcharge for wear and tear on your seat back will be applied to your credit card.)
To fasten your seat belt, pull the strap across your lap and insert the metal clip into the buckle until you hear a click. If you cannot locate your lap, it’s because another passenger is sitting on it. This practice of “doubling up” is a temporary measure to increase efficiency.
There are two lavatories on board. The front lavatory is reserved for the exclusive use of our business-class passengers. The rear lavatory does not exist. If you are in economy class and need to use the lavatory, please employ the convenient tube and sanitary baggie located in the seat pocket in front of you. Do not use the seat pocket itself. That’s for number two.
In preparation for takeoff, place your seat back and tray table in an upright and locked position. But ensure all trays are lowered during the flight itself. We’re using them now as Murphy beds for ultra-economy travellers, and there’s not a lot of air in there. Or so we discovered.
Please be aware that due to current challenging economic conditions, this aircraft will be travelling at a slightly lower altitude than usual. This is to ensure the farmers’ crops are properly dusted.
In the unlikely event of cabin pressurization, the mask you’re currently wearing will retract into the compartment above you. An Oxygen Surcharge will be billed to your credit card.
The use of cellular telephones is prohibited during flight, except when the pilot borrows yours to call the control tower.
To lessen fuel consumption, we’ll be reducing air speed by a modest amount. Do not be concerned: it is normal for those geese to pass us. The barrel rolls and steep dives are also standard procedure. In challenging times, air shows provide an enhanced revenue stream.
This aircraft features a number of amenities, including an inflight entertainment system stocked with some of the best movies ever made by Ted Danson.
For those passengers wanting to eat, sandwiches can be purchased for $7. For those wanting to rest, a pillow and blanket can be purchased for $3. For those wanting to feed a family on a budget, a pillow and blanket can be purchased for $3.
Business-class passengers will receive a complimentary bag of nuts. Economy-class passengers will receive a complimentary bag of nut. Rest assured that even in these difficult economic times, a majority of our planes continue to feature free coffee and trained pilots.
Located above you, you’ll find both a reading light (Seeing Surcharge applies) and a flight-attendant call button. To summon a flight attendant, simply press the button and wait. Then press it again. Around this time you’ll figure out that most of our “flight attendants” are in fact promotional cardboard cutouts from the Ernest movies.
This modern aircraft features several emergency exits. During any loss of power, floor lights will guide you to the nearest exit. To open the door, simply slide your Visa along the appropriate swipe slot and wait patiently for authorization.
After the plane begins its descent toward your destination, you’ll be asked to return to your seat and pay the new Landing Surcharge. Smooth runway landing or hellish terror ride? It all depends on how much cash ends up in the hat, people.
Upon reaching the terminal, please be aware that contents of the overhead bins may have shifted and routes may have been eliminated during flight. Maybe you’re in St. John’s, maybe you’re in St. Petersburg. Who says modern air travel lacks excitement?
Once the aircraft has come to a full and complete stop, you will be permitted to deplane. Your luggage will be waiting for you inside the airport. If you paid the new Accuracy Surcharge, your luggage will be waiting for you inside this airport.
One final note: during takeoff, it is strongly recommended that all laptop computers be placed under the seat in front of you—or in the convenient pawnshop at the rear of the aircraft. Cash received for your computer can be used to pay various surcharges. A Surcharge Surcharge will be applied.
Now please sit back and enjoy your flight. We know you have a choice, and we appreciate that you’re regretting it right now.
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Summer is the season for road trips, relaxation and getting away from it all—except from Facebook and Twitter, because how else will we let everyone know that we’ve gotten away from it all?
The time available for summer escapades is famously brief. The pressure to make the most of it is intense. What type of reinvigorating respite will you choose to pursue? There are many options:
Vacation: Summer arrives and millions rush to the cottage or cabin, an amazing, magical place where we can wind down, have a beer, commune with nature, fix the water pump, hang out with friends, fix the dock, fix the goddamn screen door, maybe get up early to go fishing and, aw, Christ, the water pump’s broken again?? That does it—we’re selling this stupid, magical place.
Daycation: Why pay for a hotel when there’s so much to do close to home? And don’t worry—you won’t miss out on any part of the traditional vacation experience. With the proper preparation, many of today’s kids are now capable of packing a whole week’s worth of whining into a single ninety-minute car ride.
Staycation: We can have a vacation right here at home and it’ll be every bit as fun as going to Disney World, Mom declares to a deeply skeptical audience.
Overstaycation: This term describes the time-honoured tradition of telling your friends you’ll be crashing with them for just a couple of nights and then—boom—suddenly a week has passed. If the cottage is swanky enough, it’s worth the accusing stares and hostile muttering.
Dismaycation: The perspective of all teenagers on every vacation they’re ever forced to take with their families.
Praycation: Once, just this once, oh Lord, please, please, please make sure that Dad forgets to bring his Speedo.
Straycation: You can try using this term, but eventually your spouse is going to figure out that you mean you’ve been having an affair.
Oyveycation: Your Jewish grandmother would like you to know she’s aghast that you’re wearing such a skimpy swimsuit to the beach. And also would it kill you to maybe wash your feet and not bring in so much sand from the beach? Those seashells have germs.
Cabernetcation: Nothing enables Mommy to get away from the stress of modern life more quickly, cheaply and completely than a bottle and a half of red.
J.J.cation: An island vacation that starts out amazingly but goes on too long and ends in confusion when it becomes apparent that no one has any plan for the final week of the vacation and, come on, really, a giant cork that keeps the island from being destroyed? Seriously?
Naïvetécation: Having never before booked a cottage online, Dad was unaware that “cozy rustic cabin” is internet shorthand for “shack overrun by raccoons.”
Lanadelraycation: A vacation that’s so overhyped that the backlash begins even before the car pulls out of the driveway.
Michaelbaycation: A getaway that costs $300 million and you spend most of it just wishing it would end.
Elizabethmaycation: Sure, water-skiing and tubing look like fun, but do you have any idea of the environmental impact caused by motor fuels leaking into our waterways? And these hamburgers—delicious, but the emissions from charcoal and other pollutants are contributing to a sharp increase in … listen, w
hy don’t we sit down and I’ll take you through some of the data in this pamphlet?
50shadesofgreycation: Sometimes, spending two weeks together as a family qualifies as torture.
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Leisure time in Canada invariably involves hockey—or, just as often, hockey talk. Some experts are already debating who’ll go in the first round of next year’s National Hockey League entry draft. These people are posers. The true hockey obsessive demonstrates his or her knowledge by predicting the outcome of the 2025 draft. Here are the current top prospects on my board:
Theo Rodgers (Dartmouth, NS): A speedy winger, Theo is described by NHL Central Scouting as possessing “an accurate wrist shot” and “Superman pyjamas.” Typical of this class of seven-year-old boys, he currently lacks a bit of size. But scouts love the intangibles he brings to the rink, such as enthusiasm and sometimes Timbits. Theo is considered a can’t-miss, sure-fire, no-holds-barred, other-hyphenated-words-for-emphasis lock to be drafted in the first round—unless he hits puberty, discovers girls and quits playing.
Cameron Baker-Firth (Mississauga, ON): Keen observers will recall that as a five-year-old boy, Cameron cracked my Tomorrow’s Stars Index™ within my Red-Hot Ones to Watch List™ inside my Top Prospects™ Mock Draft-o-rama™. Now a mature seven-year-old, he plays with the speed of a nine-year-old, the confidence of an eight-year-old and the jock of a different seven-year-old because he keeps forgetting his at home. On the ice six days a week, twelve months a year, Cameron’s other interests include: nothing.
Eetu Ikonen (Helsinki): No one on this side of the ocean has seen Eetu play, and it’s possible he may not exist, which may be why analyst Pierre McGuire exercised uncharacteristic restraint in labelling Eetu as only the “surest surefire firer that’s ever been sure to surely fire. For sure.”
Bobby Harris (Okotoks, AB): Once considered the consensus No. 1, Bobby’s stock began falling when scouts detected small flaws in his game, such as the fact that he doesn’t like playing it. Bobby remains without peer in pretending to pay attention to his father’s ride-home lectures when in fact he’s thinking about Lego.
Samuel Barsake (Lowell, MA): The verdict is in—Sammy Barsake is the real deal. He brings the complete package of size (4 foot 4, 77 pounds) and skill (he can raise it). And he is not afraid to go to the “dirty” areas on the ice, mostly because that’s where he keeps dropping his mouth guard. Despite being only seven, Sammy has already drawn comparisons to Joe Sakic and Jarome Iginla. The source of these comparisons? His father.
Andy Bourassa (Winnipeg, MB): Despite his tender age, this kid is already dropping athletes’ clichés and platitudes at the level of a twelve-year-old. In a recent interview with the school paper, he pledged to take “taking one game at a time” one game at a time, which blew some minds. Andy’s self-confidence is so pronounced that some believe he has the tools to become the first professional athlete to speak in the fourth person. Now the kid just needs to put that same effort into other aspects of his game, such as mastering neutral zone transitions and learning how to skate.
Jerry Levasseur (Verdun, QC): Jerry is off to a great start this season with eighteen goals, many of them into the correct net. According to McGuire, Jeremy has Bure-like speed to go with his Crosby-like hockey sense, Ovechkin-like skill set and Christ-like ability to multiply loaves and fishes. The only hurdle to a successful NHL career is that he currently wants to be a cowboy when he grows up.
Calum Eppich (Grimsby, ON): This top prospect makes the people around him on the ice seem better, mostly by falling down a lot. Calum was recently described by Pierre McGuire as “a super-freakish mega-talented offspring conceived from the union of Bobby Orr and Maurice Richard, which I know is not biologically possible but I am saying this for hyperbolic effect, which is a thing I do.” Calum is best known for passing the puck and graciously ignoring the inherent awkwardness of his father living vicariously through his achievements.
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Pull up a chair. Get comfy. I’m going to tell you a story—a story that’s both ancient and modern. It’s “The (Twenty-First-Century) Christmas Story.”
Scene: The Bethlehem International Airport
TSA Agent: Next, please.
Joseph: You go first, honey. I’ll hold Jesus.
[Mary steps forward. Joseph turns to continue a conversation with a man in line behind him.]
Joseph: We finally get there and the girl at the desk is all, “Sorry, there’s no record of your reservation.” And I’m like, “Then I guess I just invented this confirmation number, right?” So that’s the last time we use Travelocity. We ended up having to spend the night in an old hovel that had just a terrible animal smell.
Traveller: I think I’ve stayed at that Holiday Inn.
Agent [to Joseph]: Come forward, please.
[Balancing Baby Jesus in one arm, Joseph removes his sandals, headdress and outer tunic.]
Joseph: How are you today?
Agent: I need your boarding papyrus.
[The Agent begins working his way up Joseph’s legs.]
Joseph: Is this really necessary? I mean, when’s the last time we had any security threats in the Middle East?
[From behind Joseph comes a voice.]
Screener: Sir, is this your myrrh?
Joseph: What?
Screener: Sir, any quantity of myrrh over and above three bekahs is prohibited beyond this checkpoint. This has to go as checked baggage.
Joseph: I can’t just leave now and—
[With the Agent’s hands on his thighs and Jesus still in his arms, Joseph strains to look past the checkpoint and find Mary. He sees her in the distance, eighteenth in line at Sbarro.]
Joseph: Look, just throw away the myrrh, okay? We’re flush with aromatic resins right now.
[The Screener slips the myrrh into a pocket of his cloak.]
Screener: Now, please place your donkey on the conveyer belt.
[Meanwhile, the Agent’s hands move higher. He grabs hold of something, stops and looks up.]
Joseph: That’s my coin purse.
[The Agent’s hands move slightly.]
Joseph: And those are not.
[Sounds of a scuffle. A Police Officer hollers from across the checkpoint.]
Officer: Sir, are these shepherds with you?
Joseph [turning]: What? No. I mean, I guess you could say they’re following the boy, so …
[A flustered Joseph turns back. The shepherds are forced up against a wall, handcuffed and charged with stalking.]
[A small Boy with a beatific grin approaches. His gaze is locked on Jesus. As the Agent rubs his hands along Joseph’s backside, and as the Screener runs the braying donkey back and forth through the X-ray machine, the Boy takes out a small drum and begins to play:]
Tum-tiddly-tum-tum.
[Over and over it goes.]
Tum-tiddly-tum-tum Tum-tiddly-tum-tum Tum-tiddly-tum-t—
Joseph: NOW’S NOT A GOOD TIME, KID!
[The Agent begins poking gently at Jesus.]
Joseph [eyes narrowing]: What?
Agent: It’s these clothes, sir. They’re extremely swaddling.
Joseph: They’re clothes for a baby. They’re meant to swaddle. It’s not like there’s a slingshot hidden inside his—
Agent [into walkie-talkie]: Code Alpha! Backup to the checkpoint!
Joseph: I said not a slingshot. NOT A SLINGSHOT!
Six hours later.
Agent: Sorry for the delay, sir. These days we need to take every precaution. And may I just say that your son was remarkably serene through it all.
Joseph: Oh, he’s not my son. I mean, technically he’s my son, but I’m not the guy who actually—
Agent [removing Taser from holster]: Code Alpha!
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Here’s a summertime leisure truth: the only thing better than owning a cottage is being invited to visit one. The cottage invitation confers all the benefits of seasonal bliss, with none of the worries about the sagging roof, the rotting dock, or the fact that the master bedroom was, over the winter, transformed into a swingers’ club for mice.
But there’s a catch: the only way to guarantee future visits to cottage country is to behave well enough as a guest to avoid being forever exiled from consideration.
How do you know if you’re being just tolerable enough to make it back next summer? For those currently mooching the good life, here’s a helpful quiz to give you a sense of where you stand in the eyes of your hosts. Tally points as indicated and consult the end of the chapter for the verdict.
1. Upon arrival, it’s good form to give a gift to your hosts. What did you bring for them?
A two-four of beer and a newspaper (0 points)
A twelve-pack of beer, which you single-handedly polished off before dinner (2 points)
A six-pack of beer, for which you kept the receipt and announced, “Happy to go halfsies on this” (5 points)
2. You can tell a lot by watching how your host couple communicate when they think you’re not looking. Have you noticed any of the following? Score two points for each time you answer yes:
Sighing
Sighing (with muttered profanity)
Flagrant eye-rolling
Frequent use of pig Latin, with a particular fondness for the words “Erkface-jay” and “Umbnuts-nay”
Use of the index finger and thumb to make the gesture commonly understood to mean “Blowing my brains out right now would bring sweet relief”
Mouthing of the words Worst. Guests. Ever.
Yelling of the words Worst. Guests. Ever.
The Future and Why We Should Avoid It Page 4