He thought about their conversation, about her hesitations and nervousness, and he knew exactly what she’d been hiding from him.
Oh, no…oh, hell no.
Chapter Seven
Diesel got out of his truck and walked slowly to her second floor apartment. Taking a deep breath that didn’t help the spinning in his head, he knocked softly.
He knew she was standing on the other side. Knew there was only one person who’d be knocking on her door so late at night. She was probably scared and wondering what the hell to do.
That was pretty simple actually.
Softly but firmly, he said, “Kenzie, open the door, baby. Open the door.”
He heard the locks click and she pulled it open, standing aside for him to enter. He stared at her for a long moment but wouldn’t look at him. One hand lifted to stroke her hair and she jerked so slightly he almost didn’t catch it.
“I would never hurt you. Not ever, Kenzie.”
He passed her, walking through her living room, and absently noted the children’s books, toys, and drawing supplies in a little play area off to one side. He went down a short hallway and stopped at a door with a colored drawing taped to it.
For just a second, he placed his palms on either side of the door and hung his head. His heart was pounding like a freight train and he took another deep breath.
As he pushed open the door, he realized the moving blue light was a solar system night light. Mystery solved. A toddler bed on the far side of the room held a small form, breathing evenly in sleep.
Diesel felt like crossing the room took forever. He looked down at the little boy curled under a New Jersey Devils quilt. He had black hair and was big for his age. No matter his size, he couldn’t be more than four and there was no way he was younger than three.
Sensing someone, the little boy opened his eyes and stared at Diesel. After several big blinks, he said sleepily, “You’re da hockey p’ayer. Mommy said you was a friend. Diesel, huh?”
Diesel nodded, floored and overwhelmed at the magnitude of this situation. He was looking at a younger version of himself. In a voice he didn’t recognize he asked, “What’s your name?”
“Dalton.”
“That’s a really good name.”
“Thanks. Mommy gave me it.” The little boy rubbed his eyes and sat up.
“Can you stand up for a minute, Dalton?” The little boy nodded and scrambled to his feet. He wasn’t just big…he was huge for his age. LeBlancs only came in extra-large. “How old are you?” He held up three chubby fingers. “When is your birthday, do you know?”
“Are you gonna give presents?”
Diesel nodded and the hysterical voice in his head thought, I will buy you anything, everything you want…just don’t hate me.
Dalton grinned and answered, “Setender thirteen. I’m gonna be four.” He turned and saw Kenzie in the doorway. “Mommy!” His voice was like a gunshot in the quiet apartment and he ran for her.
He jumped and Kenzie caught him but she wouldn’t be able to for much longer.
“I’m starvin’ Mommy. I want more ’sagna.” She nodded and carried him down the hall to the kitchen. Kenzie kissed his cheek and set him on a chair. He scrambled up on his knees and started chatting a mile a minute. “Mommy, Uncle Thad and me watched Muppet Caper. It was so funny, we laughed and laughed! You have to watch.”
“Okay, Dalton. Maybe we’ll have time before I leave tomorrow. PS, its Uncle Thad and I, sweetie.”
He giggled and repeated the sentence a half dozen times while she put lasagna on a plate and microwaved it. When she placed it in front of him she said, “Use your fork, Dalton.” He picked up the utensil with a look that said he’d much rather use his hands. She poured juice in a cup with a straw but no lid.
The sound of another door down the hall opening had Diesel turning his head. “Dalton you promised to let Mommy sleep, you know she never does. You can’t be hungry aga…”
He was running his hands over his face and head when he caught sight of Diesel and drew to an abrupt stop. “Well, shit.”
“Uncle Thad! You owe de jar money!” Dalton looked at Diesel and said, “Mommy won’t let him say cusses. Said soap is next. I will laugh ‘til I throw up if dat happens!”
Thad recovered from his shock and held out his hand to Diesel who shook it. “Good to see you, Diesel. Glad the cat’s out of the bag. With all our sisters dating LeBlancs, it was only a matter of time.” He looked at Kenzie who looked like she was going to shake apart. He said gently, “It will be fine, MacKenzie. You worry too much.”
He poured himself some juice and kissed her temple. To Diesel he said, “No matter what you might think, she did it for you, man.”
Kenzie pushed away from the counter she’d been leaning against and rushed out, “I need a…a few minutes. I’m going to shower and change. I smell like peanuts and beer.”
She tousled Dalton’s hair on her way by and he caught her hand. She stopped and he lifted his arms for a hug. Diesel watched as she smelled her…their…son’s hair just like she’d done to him earlier.
As she disappeared down the hall, Thad took a seat across from his nephew. Dalton had already resumed inhaling his food and both males watched.
“Dude, slow down, no one’s going to take it from you.”
“I’m hungry d’ough. My belly was starvin’. Breakfast was forever away, Uncle Thad.”
“This guy eats non-stop. Kenzie cooks ahead because he chows like eight times a day.” He paused to make sure Dalton was fully engaged in his food then leaned toward Diesel.
“I need to say something before she gets back. Kenzie won’t allow herself to be an obligation…or let anyone else be either. She’s rocked this little surprise just like she did with the four of us. Goes to school full time and pulls three twelve hour shifts at the bar. She’s exhausted.”
“Why didn’t she tell me, Thad? I don’t understand.” Diesel was doing everything possible to hide his agony.
“She didn’t want you to quit school or feel like you had to go back after you graduated. She thought you’d give up your future to do the right thing, when she felt it was totally the wrong thing for you.”
Thad cleared his throat. “Probably the worst was knowing everyone would say they always expected it of a Rhodes girl.” Diesel rubbed his temple. “She had a thing for you for years, Diesel. Way before you guys hooked up. She doesn’t think I know that.”
Diesel let the shock of that sink in. He’d thought she didn’t care one way or another about him. Jesus. One thing at a time. “I wouldn’t have left her to deal with…everything alone. Ever.”
“Yeah, she knew that so she decided to deal on her own. I fill in where I can, but she has him in hockey lessons and skips sleep to take him. Takes him skating all day on Sunday. She’s a great mom…”
Thad laughed at Dalton. “It’s gone, buddy. You lick that plate and Mom is going to flip out. You want a banana?” Dalton nodded and held out his hand. “After that, you have to go back to bed. Mommy hasn’t slept in a really long time, okay?”
Dalton nodded again and said, “I won’t wake her up. S’posed to read dis mornin’. She’ll wake up wit de buzzer to do dat.”
Diesel leaned forward. “How about if I read with you, Dalton?”
“Don’t you have to play hockey?” Loose black curls slid over his forehead as he tilted his head.
“Nope, I’m off for the next couple of days. How about I hang out with you? We’ll let your mom sleep and take her out to eat later. What do you say?”
“If you’re sure. Don’t wanna mess up your hockey job. You have to make shots and keep your teeth in your mouth, okay?” Diesel nodded and Dalton took a huge bite of his banana. When both his cheeks were full he held out the banana to Diesel who smiled and took a bite.
Thad stood up and said, “I have to crash or I’ll be useless in the morning. I’m going back to bed. Dalton, be good. Love ya, buddy.” Dalton lifted his banana-filled cheek, de
manding kisses, and Thad gave him one then pretended to chew on him.
Less than a minute later, Diesel found himself alone with his son. “What do you know about your dad, Dalton?”
“He’s a good guy. Does important stuff and loves me. Mommy says she’s fillin’ in for now but one day I’ll meet him and he’ll be my bestest friend ever. ‘Til den it’s just us ‘round here. She’s a good mommy. She skates gooder dan de other moms when we go to de ice park. Prettier too.”
“Yes, your mommy is a very beautiful woman and a wonderful skater. Do you want to go skating later, Dalton?”
He climbed down from the chair and threw the banana peel in the trash. When he tried to help the toddler climb back up, Dalton shooed his hand at him to show he could do it by himself. Settled again, he shook his head.
“Can’t. Mommy works and reads for school every day but we go Sunday until her work.” Dalton’s eyes focused intently on Diesel. “I don’t t’ink I should go wit’out Mommy. It’s de only fun she has.”
When MacKenzie came out of her bedroom, she was wearing a pair of loose sleep pants and a tank top, socks on her feet. Her damp hair was in a thick braid down her back. He’d never seen her sexier.
Diesel sat in a big recliner, informed it was where they sat to read. Dalton crawled across his lap with a Dr. Seuss book in his hands. He was blown away that a child so young already knew how to read.
Kenzie murmured groggily, “Good boy, Dalton. I’m just going to close my eyes for a few minutes. Don’t play in the kitchen. If you’re hungry, wake me up.”
She walked slowly to the front door and locked it; also latching a child lock higher up. Then she shuffled to the couch and laid down. She was asleep in seconds.
Chapter Eight
Kenzie was snuggled happily beneath her favorite blanket. As she pushed it away from her face, she opened her eyes to bright sunlight, and immediately hit her internal panic button. “Thad! What time is it? What day is it?” She bolted to her feet and looked around wildly. “Where’s Dalton?”
Diesel poked his head around the kitchen wall. “Kenzie. Everything is alright. It’s Monday. Thad said you don’t have classes until much later. It’s only noon. Dalton is fine and Thad went to class. You needed to sleep.”
“Wh…what?” She rubbed her eyes roughly and stared at him. “I’m…confused.” She sat down hard and Diesel came to sit beside her. “What are you still doing here, Diesel? Why did you let me sleep? I can’t sleep so long; I have things I need to do.”
“He’s fed, dressed, and safe. I promise I didn’t break him. I did have little brothers, you know. Two at once as a matter of fact. At this age Jon and Justin weren’t nearly as self-reliant as Dalton is so he’s not even a little hard to watch. How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay. I’m still…confused.” She turned to face him. “I have no idea what to say.”
She smoothed her hands over her face, then pulled her braid over her shoulder and started untwining it. “I don’t want anything from you, Diesel. I’m not like that.” She stood up and went in the kitchen. It was clean and neat.
Turning to head to Dalton’s room she bumped into Diesel. “Where’s Dalton?”
“Crashed the hell out. Remember, he woke up at three in the morning. He made it until about fifteen minutes ago.” He wasn’t surprised when she went around him to check. She opened his door and saw her son fast asleep with his favorite stuffed animal clutched to his chest.
Closing the door softly, Kenzie returned to the living room, standing in the middle as she rubbed her temples. “Kenzie, please sit down before you drop.” She lowered herself to the edge of the couch. “You want coffee?”
Without waiting for her to answer, he went and poured her some and asked how she took it. She told him and he came back to sit beside her. She sat with her forearms on her knees, coffee between them.
“Thank you.”
“What are you thanking me for, Kenzie?”
“For not freaking out in front of Dalton, for not shaking me until my head fell off, for being sweet to him, for watching him when I should have been, for the coffee. Take your pick.” She took a deep breath and glanced at him. “Diesel, I don’t know what you’re thinking and it’s making me nervous.”
“Don’t be nervous, Kenzie. I’d never lay my hands on you in anger and Dalton is incredible. It’s your coffee. I just brewed it.” He reached out, took the coffee cup from her hands, and put it on the table. “MacKenzie, look at me.”
She turned, but couldn’t meet his eyes. “Look at me, stop hiding from me. You don’t have to do that. I’m not an ogre.” As her eyes lifted to his, he saw what was coming and pulled her against him as she completely broke down.
She was shaking and gripping his jersey. Diesel soothed her, pulled her into his lap, and cradled her while she cried. “You’re so tired, Kenzie. Why didn’t you let me help you? Why didn’t you tell me, honey?”
For a long time, she couldn’t answer. His chest was broad and warm, the sound of his steady heartbeat calmed her, his hands stroked her hair.
“It was so typical. The whole situation was like a bad country song. Girl from fucked up family gets knocked up by the town golden boy and sidelines his life. No thanks. My entire life has been like that. I didn’t want that for you.”
He rubbed her back, “So you figured me for an either/or kind of guy, huh? Either do the right thing for you and Dalton or chase hockey pucks? What made you think I couldn’t do both, Kenzie? We could have worked together so you didn’t have it all on your shoulders.”
“I’m used to stuff being on my shoulders, Diesel. You aren’t.” She sat up to look at him, wiping her face. “You were twenty-one, Diesel. Your senior year was your best, it was all coming together for you. You won the conference and were drafted right out of the gate.”
She gathered her hair and pushed it behind her. “If there had been an infant in your life during your senior year, none of that would have happened. I know it even if you don’t. You wouldn’t have had the focus. I’m not saying you wouldn’t have done the right thing. I know you would have. That’s why I didn’t tell you. You would have tried to do both, but something would have suffered, and you would have resented me for it. I would have resented me, too.”
He thought about his senior year and how he’d spent more than twelve hours a day on the ice. “You had a feeling, didn’t you? When I was leaving? You were never on birth control, were you?”
“Why would I be on birth control? I wasn’t having sex. Yeah, I had a feeling because that’s how my luck runs most of the time. Then Thad got his acceptance letter and we made a plan. Bob moved us, put me on his business insurance as a consultant. It worked out.”
Diesel’s face went hard. “Oh it worked out great for me, that’s for sure. I was off playing, fighting, and fucking while you were working yourself to death and not sleeping. I feel like the biggest shit on the planet, Kenzie. How many times did you think, isn’t he just living the charmed fucking life?”
“Never once, Diesel. I keep a scrapbook about you for Dalton. I have the whole history for him. I’m very proud of everything you’ve done. It’s not like you’d have taken a vow of celibacy even if you had known about Dalton. I didn’t care…who was I to care? You needed to go, I told you to go. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Thad said you had pneumonia really bad. Why didn’t you call me then?”
“You were in the middle of the play-offs, Diesel. Are you kidding?”
“Were you ever going to tell me, MacKenzie? Were you ever going to ask me for anything?”
“Yes, I was going to wait until Dalton was older and I would have asked you to help him with college. I want him to have the best education.”
He stared at her. “So…let me see if I get this straight. You get all the hard work of sleepless nights, buying groceries…and I’ve seen how that boy eats…illness, and temper tantrums. Then, when he’s old enough to be no trouble, I can swoop in and be king-h
igh-shit. Oh, and I can throw a pittance of my salary at his education.”
Her lips parted to say something but his hands settled over her shoulders. He gave her a tiny shake. “Why is it about what’s best for me? What about you, MacKenzie? When do you get your chance? When do you stop living for everyone else? When does your happiness get to matter?”
“I…I don’t know. When I’m done, I guess.”
“That is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard, Kenzie. You’re giving away everything you have; there isn’t going to be anything left. You’re fighting for everyone else but never you. Who the fuck am I that my happiness should be more important than yours?”
“You’re…you, Diesel.”
The simplicity of her words made it all so clear. He realized just how blind he’d been.
Out of nowhere, he remembered sixth grade, just before the car accident that almost ended her life. They’d gone to school together since Kindergarten. In a town as small as theirs, the smart, the not-so-smart, and the average were all lumped into the same classes.
His friends were into sports and goofing off. Kenzie never had friends other than her siblings. She fought a lot when her sisters and brothers started school. He remembered she was always stopping them from getting beat up. It gave her a reputation as a hothead.
Then in sixth grade, he was failing Algebra. She must have watched him for days because when she caught him alone, she gave him the keys to ‘getting it’ in less than thirty seconds and shoved some notebook paper in his hands.
She’d disappeared when she heard his friends coming. He now realized she hadn’t wanted anyone to know he was talking to her. Later that night, he went through the papers and suddenly, he didn’t feel like an idiot anymore. He passed Algebra with a low B and had never thanked her.
A few weeks later, she almost died because of her father’s drunk driving. She switched to home-school and he kind of forgot she existed until the day he saw her skating.
Diesel had never participated in making fun of the Rhodes kids but he hadn’t defended them either. He was too wrapped up in his own life.
Breaking the Ice Page 5