How to be a Husband

by Tim Dowling

  Also by Tim Dowling

  Suspicious Packages and Extendable Arms

  The Giles Wareing Haters’ Club

  Not The Archer Prison Diary

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Group (USA) LLC

  375 Hudson Street

  New York, New York 10014

  USA • Canada • UK • Ireland • Australia • New Zealand • India • South Africa China

  penguin.com

  A Penguin Random House Company

  Copyright © 2014 by Tim Dowling

  Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.

  Blue Rider Press is a registered trademark and its colophon is a trademark of Penguin Group (USA) LLC

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Dowling, Tim, date.

  How to be a husband / Tim Dowling.

  p. cm.

  ISBN 978-0-698-18366-7

  1. Husbands—Humor. 2. Marriage—Humor. I. Title.

  PN6231.H8 D69 2014040710

  818'.602—dc23

  Version_1

  Contents

  Also by Tim Dowling

  Title page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Introduction

  1. The Beginning

  2. Are You Compatible?

  3. Getting Married: Why Would You?

  4. How to Be Wrong

  5. Am I Relevant?

  6. DIY: Man’s Estate, Even Now

  7. Extended Family

  8. The Forty Guiding Principles of Gross Marital Happiness

  9. Bringing Home the Bacon

  10. A Very Short Chapter About Sex

  11. The Pros and Cons of Procreation

  12. Alpha Male, Omega Man

  13. Coming to Grief

  14. Staying Together—for Better and Worse

  15. Do I Need a Hobby?

  16. Fatherhood for Morons

  17. Keeping the Magic Alive

  18. Head of Security

  19. Misandry—There’s Such a Word, but Is There Such a Thing?

  20. Subject to Change

  Conclusion

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  To Sophie; who else?

  Introduction

  In the summer of 2007 I was asked out of the blue to take over the page at the front of the Guardian’s Weekend magazine. I say out of the blue, but I’ll admit it was a possibility I’d considered long before the invitation was extended. I therefore received the news with my usual mixture of gratitude and impatience—shocked, thrilled, immensely flattered, and not before time. There was no question of turning down the offer, just tremendous apprehension at the idea of accepting. If I’d thought about wanting it a lot over the years, I hadn’t really given much thought to doing it. What would my weekly column be about?

  “I don’t want you to feel you have to write about your own life,” read the only e-mail I received from the editor on the subject. Perhaps, I thought, she doesn’t want me to feel constrained by a particular format, or maybe she was wary because the only time I’d ever stood in for my predecessor, Jon Ronson, I’d written about an ordinary domestic event, and the magazine subsequently printed a letter that said, “May I suggest that the mystery smell in Tim Dowling’s house is coming from his own backside as he emanates his natural air of smugness and pomposity?” Whatever the reason, I felt I had my instructions: write about anything you like, except yourself.

  The editor promptly took maternity leave, and I heard nothing more. The only additional information I received was a date for the first column, in mid-September. As the deadline approached I panicked, and wrote a piece about the dog and the cat following me around the house all day, precisely the sort of thing I’d been warned against. As I hit send I pictured myself having to defend it (“It’s true! They do follow me!”) at a hastily convened crisis meeting.

  Nothing was said, and the column appeared as written. I wondered if the ban on domestic subjects had even been passed on. I decided it didn’t matter, because now I had a full week to get my shit together.

  The next column was a tightly wrought spoof apology taking in some recent scandals dogging the BBC, which had the twin advantages of being extremely topical and almost exactly the right length. Two weeks later, however, I suffered another failure of imagination, and at the last minute I wrote about my wife’s amusingly callous reaction when I got knocked off my bike by a taxi. I wondered if it was possible to get sacked less than a month in.

  Already I was beginning to feel the pressure of a weekly column; on the following deadline day I found myself in South America on another assignment, jet-lagged and bereft of inspiration. After a lot of hand-wringing and hair-pulling, I concocted a parody of those book group discussion questions you find at the back of paperback novels, based entirely on the only reading material I had with me.

  A week later, in response to a report suggesting that Neanderthals may have possessed the power of speech, I cobbled together a hilarious dialogue between a Neanderthal couple who were expecting the Homo sapiens next door for supper. With more time I might have come up with a better ending, but as I read it over I felt I was finally starting to find my feet.

  The panic returned soon enough. The upcoming Christmas deadlines required several columns to be done in advance. Over the next few weeks I wrote almost exclusively about domestic crises—arguments in front of the telly, arguments about the children, the window cleaner, even about the column itself. I filed each one with a sense of failure and a silent promise to myself that I would adhere more closely to the original brief the following week. When I finally managed to write something with a less personal, more sophisticated conceit, I received an e-mail from the editor, the first real feedback I’d had in months. It said, “What happened to the funny wife?”

  And that is how I came splashing my marriage all over the papers. I never really had time to sit down and consider the ethical implications, if any. I know other people see writing about one’s family as a pursuit full of interesting moral pitfalls, but I lacked the luxury of that perspective. In fact, a full six months elapsed before I actually realized what it was I trying to achieve with my new column: I was trying to make my wife laugh.

  She is almost the only person who reads what I write in front of me, and I have come to think of her as the planet’s main arbiter of what is and isn’t funny. Even as I was struggling to produce less personal, more abstract columns, I was noticing that she wasn’t laughing at them. She read the Neanderthal one in complete silence in bed one Saturday morning, and then sighed and said, “I miss Jon Ronson.”

  But she was reliably amused by any column in which she was featured, often laughing out loud while reading back her own words.

  “I’m funny,” she would say, cackling. “You just write it down.”

  It is, of course, a delicate balancing act, requiring tact, sound judgment, and a good deal of empathy, which is why I have on several occasions got it badly wrong.

  “I don’t like when it says ‘my wife’ in the headline,” said my wife one Saturday in early 2008. She had never before objected to my referring to her only as “my wife”—appreciating, I think, the halfhearted stab at preserving her an
onymity—but spelled out in big letters, the term suddenly looked dismissive and belittling, especially in a headline like the one she was reading: “I don’t like it when my wife hires people and then leaves their stewardship to me.” It was an understandable objection, one that required a tactful, carefully worded response.

  “I don’t do the headline,” I said. “They do the headline.”

  Some months later she told me I couldn’t write about our eldest son referring to her as a “self-esteem roller,” but it didn’t feel like a gem I could relinquish easily. I wrote about it anyway, including her objection in the piece, and decided to treat her stony silence as tacit approval.

  Six months after that my wife exclaimed, apropos of nothing, that she would divorce me if I ever wrote that I found her watching Dog Borstal. It seemed like a bluff worth calling.

  One rainy day during our summer holiday in Cornwall, she looked up from the newspaper at me with very angry eyes.

  “You’ve gone too far,” she said. I looked back blankly—by the time the paper comes out, I don’t always remember what I’ve written.

  “What are you talking about?” I said.

  “You compared me to the Canoe Wife!” she shouted. Then I remembered: we’d been bickering while watching something on the news about the Canoe Man—who had disappeared after rowing off in what was, I believe, technically a kayak—and his wife, who conspired with him to fake his death so they could start a new life in Panama.

  “I think you’re misreading it,” I said. When I looked at it again later I could see where I might have inadvertently drawn some parallels between my wife and the Canoe Wife, but I still thought her interpretation required a pretty ungenerous assessment of my intent.

  She spent the rest of the afternoon ringing people who she knew would agree that I had gone too far. Under the circumstances I did the only thing I could think of: I wrote about that too.

  More than a year went by before it happened again: this time my wife was furious—properly furious—because I had written something she didn’t like, in a column in which she barely appeared. Her explanation didn’t make much sense to me (I won’t risk attempting to reiterate it), but there was no mistaking her anger.

  I realized that it didn’t matter that I didn’t get it, that her reaction was reason enough to stop doing the column if she wanted me to—she didn’t even have to give me a week’s notice. I briefly thought about offering to quit, until I weighed the chances that she might, in her current mood, take me up on it.

  There were a couple of obvious solutions to the problem. I could have steered clear of writing about my marriage, although my wife insisted she was not uncomfortable with the column itself—she just got occasionally pissed off with an infelicitous phrase she thought might get her into trouble at work, although this only happened once, and neither of us saw it coming that time.

  I could, I suppose, show her the column beforehand to give her a chance to voice specific objections, but I don’t like her seeing it ahead of time, because then she might not laugh the next Saturday. It’s meant to be a surprise.

  To be honest, I wish I’d upset my wife with a callously worded phrase as few times in real life as I have done in my column. I do lots of stupid and unkind things in the course of my marriage, but with the column I get a whole week to figure out where I went wrong and, in effect, apologize.

  An obligation to write about one’s marriage carries the risk that one might be reduced to creating conflict simply in order to fulfill a weekly word count. The truth is, I’ve never had to. People may find this hard to believe, just as I find it difficult to imagine a marriage so well conducted that it lacks the disquiet required to sustain a weekly column. To be honest, I’m not sure I’d want to be part of a marriage like that, anyway. Chances are the couple in question wouldn’t be that into it either.

  * * *

  Twenty years ago my wife and I embarked on a project so foolhardy, the prospect of which seemed to us both so weary, stale, and flat, that even thinking about it made us shudder. Neither of us actually proposed to the other, because neither of us could possibly make a case for the idea. We simply agreed—we’ll get married—with the resigned determination of two people plotting to bury a body in the woods. Except that if you did agree to bury a body in the woods, you probably wouldn’t ring your parents straightaway to tell them the news.

  Two decades on we are still together, still married and still, well, if I hesitate to say “happy,” it’s only because it’s one of those absolute terms, like “nit-free,” that life has taught me to deploy with caution. It feels inherently risky to express contentment: I know that twenty years of marriage doesn’t necessarily guarantee you ten more.

  I can only really speak for myself, and while I would concede that I am on balance, content, there also isn’t a day that goes by without my stopping to think: What the hell happened to you? Not, you know, in a bad way. But I’m still surprised, every day.

  This is not really a self-help manual. If you come across anything that resembles advice in it, I would caution against following it too strictly, although I’m aware that is, in itself, advice. The kind of people who read self-help books are not, I’m guessing, looking to be more like me.

  This is simply the story of how I ended up here, and along with it an examination of what it means to be a husband in the twenty-first century, and what is and isn’t required to hold that office these days. I can’t pretend to offer much in the way of solid advice on how to be a man. Just as my sons think admonitions such as “Don’t panic!” sound a bit rich coming from me, so would any tips I could possibly give about attaining manhood. I tried to become a man, but in the end I just got older.

  But “husband”—it’s one of the main things on my CV, right below “BA, English” and just above “Once got into a shark cage for money.” “Husband” is the thing I do that makes everything else I do seem like a hobby.

  Although I wear the distinction with pride, I’m aware that the title “husband” is not one that affords much respect these days. It was always a bit of an odd word. Of Old Norse derivation, “husband” basically means “master of a household,” a sense that still lingers in the word “husbandry,” referring to the stewardship of land and/or animals, and doesn’t apply to me at all.

  No other European language uses a word like “husband” to mean husband. In Sweden they say “man”; in Denmark, “mand.” The French use the much more egalitarian “mari,” which just means “married male,” although it’s easy to confuse with the girl’s name “Marie,” and also the French word for “mayor’s office.” As a consequence I often mistake the most basic French pleasantries for admissions of intrigue.

  “Husband,” on the other hand, sounds like an arcane office long shorn of its trappings, and is therefore faintly comical. It’s like calling someone for whom you have no respect “chief.” So while I feel able to use the word “wife” with a mixture of pride and delight (“Hey look! Here comes my wife!”), my wife only ever uses the phrase “Have you met my husband?” as a punch line, generally when she overhears people discussing the perils of self-Googling.

  But, I hear you ask, are you a good husband? Ultimately that is for my wife alone to judge, but I think I know what she would say: no. Still, I can’t help feeling there’s a longer answer, a more considered, qualified way of saying no. If nothing else, I can look back and point out the detours round some of the pitfalls I was fortunate enough to overstep, and relate a few cautionary tales about the ones I fell headlong into.

  When the well-off and the well-known retrace their path to success for the benefit of people seeking to follow their lead, the accounts tend to be colored by “survivorship bias”—they simply don’t reckon with the examples of thousands of other people who followed a similar route and ended up nowhere. In hindsight, success can look like a repeatable formula composed of hard work and a series of canny decisio
ns. No entrepreneur ever wrote a memoir that said, “Then I did something terribly risky and not all that clever, but once again fortune chose to reward my stupidity.”

  I don’t have the luxury of revealing the secret of my success, even in hindsight. I didn’t get where I am today—husband, father, gainfully employed person—by executing a deliberate strategy. I got where I am today by accident. One cold winter’s evening twenty-four years ago, my life jumped its tracks without warning. As far as I’m concerned, all I did was hang on.

  My successful marriage is built of mistakes. It may be founded on love, trust, and a shared sense of purpose, but it runs on a steady diet of cowardice, impatience, ill-advised remarks, and low cunning. But also: apologies, belated expressions of gratitude, and frequent appeals for calm. Every day is a lesson in what I’m doing wrong. Looking back over the course of twenty years it’s obvious the only really smart thing I did was choose the right person in the first place, and I’m not certain I did that on purpose.

  And even if I did choose wisely, I also had to be chosen. How often does that happen? This is what I’m saying: luck, pure and simple.

  1.

  The Beginning

  It is a few days after Christmas, 1989. I am living in New York, working at a dead-end job. It’s worse than that; I’m employed by the production department of a failing magazine. I probably won’t even have my dead-end job for much longer.

  I’ve just taken the train in from my parents’ house in Connecticut. It’s cold, and the city has an air of spent goodwill: there are already Christmas trees lying on the pavement. I drop by the apartment of some friends, two girls who share a grand duplex in the West Village. I know they have people visiting, English people. But when I get there my friend Pat—who is himself English but lives in New York—answers the door. He gives me to understand that the two roommates are in the basement having a protracted disagreement. They argue a lot, those two, and have a tendency toward high drama.