Beefcake & Mistakes

by Fennell, Judi

“You’re lucky you could spend that time with her,” said Tabitha. “My boys were like monkeys, and school was the only thing that saved my house from complete disaster. I guess that’s the difference between boys and girls.”

  “You had a monkey, Daddy?” Trevor’s little voice stopped conversation. Or maybe it was the use of daddy that did it.

  Ellen’s mouth drew into a tight line; Tabitha’s curved into a smile.

  Bryan looked like he wanted to cry. Which made Jenna want to. She was so thrilled for Trevor that his father loved him.

  All the while being terrified that he did.

  “No, Trev. My brother and I just acted like them.”

  “I wish I had a bwother.”

  The table went very quiet.

  Everyone’s eyes flicked all around the room.

  Except Bryan’s.

  He looked at her. “We’ll have to see what we can do about that, Trev. Every kid should have a brother or a sister.”

  “I don’t want a sister. They’re yucky. Michael has two and he says they weave their dollies all over the place and they don’t pway football.”

  Jenna tried to look away, but she couldn’t—and it had nothing to do with those gorgeous eyes of Bryan’s.

  No, it had to do with the image she had in her mind. Having Bryan’s child. For real this time.

  She wanted to. Really really wanted to. All of a sudden, it hit her, a consuming need to have a child—his child. To create a new life, one that she could call hers, that no one could take from her, and she wanted to do it with Bryan.

  She was in so far over her head she ought to feel as if she were drowning, but she didn’t.

  It felt right. That image felt right. Sitting here, having dinner with him and Trevor and both grandmothers… it felt right. As if this were the way things were supposed to be.

  But this whole scenario was based on a lie.

  “I don’t know if Jenna’s up for a third pregnancy.” Ellen scooped another teaspoon-ful of peas onto her plate. “I mean, the body can only take so much, even though she was so young the first time. But, really, Jenna, you should be happy with one healthy child. You just never know what can happen.”

  Reality came crashing down with a vengeance. Her mother’s vengeance.

  Ellen had never gotten over the “humiliation” of Jenna’s teenage pregnancy, but Jenna would never have imagined she’d bring it up now like this, with the sole purpose of returning that humiliation.

  “Third pregnancy?” Bryan looked at her.

  “She didn’t tell you?” Ellen looked shocked—but she wasn’t. She knew exactly what she was doing. She’d never forgiven Jenna for not siding with her against her father.

  What parent wanted their child to choose sides? She’d tried to remain neutral, loving each one on their own merits.

  Her mother just lost a lot of those merits.

  Jenna stood up. “I won’t have this discussion in front of Trevor. Bryan, if you’ll join me outside? Ellen, I’d like you to leave. Mrs. Lassiter—Tabitha—if you wouldn’t mind watching Trevor for a little bit, I would appreciate it.”

  “Of course, Jenna.” God bless Mrs. Lassiter’s graciousness. The woman moved right over into Jenna’s chair, picked up one of the T-rexes, and started making growling noises.

  Trevor returned them, laughing.

  Ellen, however, was scowling. “You are not letting that woman, that stranger, watch my grandson.”

  Jenna gripped the back of her chair, trying to keep a tight rein on her anger. She would not do this in front of her son. “He’s her grandson and I am. Now leave, Ellen, before it gets any uglier than it already is.”

  Bryan stood behind Jenna and put his hand on her shoulder. “Yes, Ellen. I think it’d be best if you left. My mother has more than enough experience to keep Trevor occupied for a few minutes. I’d trust her with my life. Matter of fact, I did for years.”

  Ellen hadn’t missed the inflection on the her any more than Jenna had. Her lips pursed and she stalked out of the house, slamming the door behind her.

  “Please excuse us, Tabitha.”

  Mrs. Lassiter waved her hand and engaged Trevor’s dinosaur in a battle for another pea.

  Jenna led Bryan out to the back porch. The crickets were just warming up for their nighttime symphony and the lightning bugs were just starting to twinkle through her backyard. Usually this was one of her favorite times of night with the pale purple dusk and the quiet, but now…

  She leaned against the railing and looked at the weeping willow branches swaying in the soft breeze.

  This wasn’t a conversation she’d ever wanted to have. Especially not with him.

  Chapter Thirty

  Bryan was staring at her. He walked over and leaned on his elbows on the railing, but he wasn’t watching the lightning bugs; he was watching her.

  She took a breath, willing the pain not to overpower the memories. “I was sixteen. He was my boyfriend. We were stupid like teenagers are. We never thought it’d happen to us.”

  “What happened? Where’s the baby?”

  The twinkling fireflies got blurry. Jenna blinked. “She didn’t make it. I was in a car accident, the one where my father was killed and…” She cleared her throat. “My mother thought it was a blessing.”

  Bryan exhaled. “I’m sorry, Jenna.”

  She looked at him then. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

  “I’m sorry that you had to go through it with that woman as your support system. It can’t have been easy. You needed to be held and comforted. A blessing? Didn’t she realize she lost a grandchild?”

  Jenna tried to shrug, but the weight she’d carried around on her shoulders ever since—guilt, grief, relief, horror at that relief, more guilt—wouldn’t let her. “It happened. There was nothing I could do about it. I had to deal. And, you know, I was sixteen.”

  “Sixteen, twenty-six… Does it really make a difference?” He turned toward her, leaning on his left elbow and running his hand up her arm. “Where’s the guy now?”

  She bit her lip and looked away. “He was gone the minute he heard about the baby. Even asked if it was his.”

  “Wow.” Bryan stood up now and pulled her into his arms. “I am so sorry no one was there for you, Jenna. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you with Trevor. But I am now and I’m not going anywhere.”

  She let herself melt into his embrace. Just a little. She couldn’t help it. He was right; no one had been there. She’d been dealing with her father’s death, her baby’s, the end of her relationship, and the realization of just what Dave had thought of her. And then her mother’s betrayal on top of it. Was it any wonder she’d clung to Mindy so tightly? She’d been the only family Jenna had had.

  And now Mindy was gone. She couldn’t lose Trevor, too.

  She straightened. She couldn’t lean on Bryan. He had the power to take away the last person she could call hers.

  “Thanks, Bryan, but I’m okay. Really. It was a long time ago.” Twelve years, eleven months, nine days, and about six hours ago. She’d put it behind her and moved on. It was what she’d had to do.

  But then she made the mistake of looking up at him.

  He was right there. His lips were right there, his eyes worried, his expression thoughtful. Concerned. Caring. And the night was quiet, Nature’s music serenading them, his aftershave and that scent that was all his own wrapping around her every bit as comfortingly as his arms, every bit as excitingly as his arms. Every bit a enticing and alluring and teasing and solid and welcoming as his arms.

  “Jenna…”

  “Bryan…”

  She didn’t know who spoke first. It didn’t matter. She was in his arms and he was there for her and she had to kiss him. Had to. As if every part of her life spiraled down to this one moment in time, this one all-important moment that she couldn’t run from.

  Her fingers curled into the seams of his golf shirt and held on, keeping her upright, anchoring her to something tangible, as the
world spun around her in a whirlwind of sensation. Of want, of need, of feelings and emotions and the all-consuming desire for a connection with another human being.

  Bryan was so strong. So tall. So solid. So there. He wanted to be there. Hadn’t flinched at all when it came to hanging around for his son. He’d even proposed to her to make sure he could be there.

  Why had she refused him? Why hadn’t she jumped at the offer? It’d be best for Trevor, and with the way Bryan’s kiss was affecting her, it wouldn’t be so bad for her either.

  His tongue swept inside her mouth and, all of a sudden, the kiss was no longer comforting. It was no longer safe and protective and embracing. It was hot and it was carnal and it had nothing to do with the child they shared; it was all about the chemistry they shared. This driving want and need and the desire to burrow beneath his skin and never leave. To know him inside and out, be a part of him, to share with him, and to ride the waves of this pleasure with him to the heights and tumble over the edge.

  He tore his lips from hers and buried them in the hollow of her throat, her head tilted back as she gasped for breath, her breasts thrust against his chest as his hands trailed hot sexy magic down her back to cup her butt, heat spiraling out from that spot in her belly, infusing every part of her with heat and an aching, driving need.

  “I want you, Bryan.” The words just tumbled out. She couldn’t stop them. She didn’t want to stop them. She didn’t want to stop him. She wanted him. She did. It’d been so long since she’d been with someone, and no one, not even Carl before she’d talked about adopting Trevor, no one had ever made her feel as wanted and desirable and special as Bryan had since the moment she’d met him.

  But then he pulled back.

  He pulled back.

  “Jenna—”

  “Oh God.” She stumbled from his arms, wrapped her own around her waist, and stood in the corner of the railing looking anywhere but at him. He’d pulled back. “I’m sorry, Bryan. God, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s… just… Forget I said it. Don’t think it’s… I mean… Just forget it.”

  He walked up behind her again and gripped her biceps. “Jenna.”

  She shook her head. She couldn’t face him. She just couldn’t. This rising tide of want and need and, yes, desperation, was threatening to overwhelm her and if she looked at him, she’d fall apart.

  “Jenna.” He put pressure on her arms, urging her to turn around. “Jenna, look at me.”

  But when he said it so kindly and softly, it touched something inside her. Some lonely, wanting part inside her.

  She turned around—but stared at the bottom button on the neckline of his golf shirt.

  “Jenna.” He tilted her chin up with one finger. His eyes were so intent up on hers, they’d darkened to a deep purple. “I want you, too.”

  The desire in his voice threatened to buckle her knees. She gripped the seams of his shirt again.

  “But you have to want me. Not the comfort I can offer. Not gratitude for acknowledging your pain and how everyone failed you. Not even because of Trevor. I want to move forward with you, Jenna, not relive the past. I want you in the here and now with me. We can’t change the past, but we can change the future. When you’re ready for that, when you want me for that, that’s when it’ll be right for us.”

  He kissed her forehead. Then her nose. Then a soft soft brush of his lips across hers. “I’ll be here, Jenna. When you’re ready, I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere.”

  She swayed into him. This was what she wanted. What she’d always wanted. What Carl hadn’t been man enough to be or do or say. What Dave hadn’t been able to give. What her father had taken when he’d destroyed their family by choosing someone else.

  But Bryan… Bryan was here for her. And for Trevor.

  He kissed her again and rubbed her arms. “Come on. Let’s go in and relieve my mom. It’s been a long time since she’s entertained a three-year-old.”

  Jenna nodded and sniffed back… something. Not a tear. Not an apology. But something…

  He held the door open and it was all she could do not to close it and wrap her arms around him and stay just where they were right now with nothing—not the past, not her lie, not any of the ramifications of that—intruding on this most perfect of moments.

  And then she heard Trevor’s giggle.

  “Weawwy?”

  “Really,” answered Mrs. Lassiter. “And then your daddy ended up covered in mud. All gooey, icky, sticky mud. He had to take four baths.”

  “Blech! I hate bafses.”

  Jenna could just picture the look on Trevor’s face as he said that and she smiled. She knew all his looks. Knew every smile and every twitch when he slept and every droopy expression when he was tired. That was her reality. That was what she had to focus on, not this dream-out-of-time-moment with Bryan.

  She nodded at him and walked into the house.

  “But baths make you all clean and shiny and you smell good afterwards.” Mrs. Lassiter looked up when Jenna stopped at the entrance to the living room. “And I bet your mommy gives you lots of hugs after your bath.”

  Trevor nodded quickly, his curls bouncing around his head. “Yeah, she does. I wike hugs.”

  “Would you like one now?”

  Trevor stopped nodding. His curls stopped bouncing.

  Jenna held her breath. Would he let her?

  And if he did, how would Jenna feel about it? She’d been the only one to give her son hugs.

  “Yes, pwease.” Trevor held out his arms and let his new grandmother sweep him up in hers.

  Jenna slumped against the doorframe. It’s what she wanted for Trevor.

  It was. Really.

  “He still loves you most,” Bryan whispered in her ear. “No one will ever replace you, Jenna. The heart’s like any muscle; it has the capacity to grow and expand. Trevor can love many people in his life, but he’ll never stop loving you.”

  It was the perfect thing for Bryan to say. The perfect sentiment and Jenna was grateful to him for giving that to her.

  Too bad he didn’t know that Trevor might actually stop loving her when he found out about his birth mother some day.

  And what about Bryan? What would he say?

  He’d hate her for lying to him.

  “You give good hugs, Nana.”

  Mrs. Lassiter cleared her throat. “Thanks, Trevor. I gave your daddy lots of them when he was little.”

  “My mommy gives me wots of hugs. I wove Mommy’s hugs.”

  Jenna swallowed the lump in her throat. That was why she had to lie to Bryan. Why she could never tell him the truth. She couldn’t risk losing her rights to her son.

  She cleared her throat and walked into the room. “Hey, Trev. Did you have fun with your grandmother?”

  “Uh huh. She wikes to pway dinosaurs.”

  The adults smiled at each other and Jenna just wanted to scoop Trevor up in her arms and hug him until next week, her sweet sweet baby.

  Mrs. Lassiter got to her feet. “I’ll just clear off the table then get out of your hair. I’m sure this young man needs to get started on his bedtime routine and I wouldn’t want to interrupt that.”

  “Awww, do I have to?” Trevor pouted.

  “Yes, Sport, you do if your mom says so.” Bryan looked at Jenna. “Jenna? Does he get a bath tonight?”

  Jenna pointed to their son’s hands. “Looks like someone’s been playing with buttered noodles. I think that calls for a bath.”

  Trevor pouted some more. “Can Wocco swim wif me?”

  Bryan laughed. “Soap is bad for fish, but how about we bring his bowl in while I give you a bath. Is that okay with you?”

  Trevor’s eyes sparkled. “Can he, Mommy? Can Bwyan, I mean, Daddy, give me my baf?”

  She wanted to say no. Trevor was hers. She gave him his baths.

  But he was so darn excited she’d be the mean mom for saying no.

  “Sure, kiddo. I’ll clean up while you guys do the bath thing
.” She looked at Bryan. “There’s a seat in the linen closet. It’s got suction cups on the bottom to stick to the tub. There’s also a bunch of colored soaps. He likes to draw pictures on the tiles.”

  “Gotcha. Anything else I need to know?”

  “Washcloth over his lap. It’ll save you from needing a shower.”

  “Thanks, I’ll remember that.”

  Rocco accompanied the two of them to the bathroom while Mrs. Lassiter helped Jenna with the dishes.

  “You’ve done a wonderful job with him, Jenna,” Bryan’s mom said as she rinsed the plates off.

  “Thank you. It’s been a challenge, but I wouldn’t change a minute of it.”

  “I’m just so sorry you had to go through it alone. I wish my son had been a bit more responsible.”

  Jenna pretended to find something on the floor so she wouldn’t have to look at Bryan’s mother. Talk about an uncomfortable conversation to have with her son’s grandmother… “It takes two, Mrs. Lassiter. He can’t shoulder all the blame. Plus, it wasn’t planned. Sometimes things happen.”

  “Well what’s important now, is that you both do the right thing. Thank you for allowing us to have a part in his life. It’s what’s best for Trevor. And you, too, you know. You now have a new family.”

  Jenna hadn’t thought about it that way. Sure, Trevor had a new family, but, yes, she did, too.

  And she was lying to all of them.

  They finished in the kitchen just as Bryan brought a damp and powdered Trevor out to say goodbye, his footie pajamas topped off with the baseball cap Bryan had won for him at the fair.

  Jenna didn’t have the heart to tell him that Trevor would be too hot in that outfit during the night, so she’d change him after Bryan left.

  “Goodbye, Nana! Fanks for my T-wexes. Wocco is gonna keep them company tonight so they don’t miss you.”

  She kissed his cheek. “Goodnight, sweetheart. I’ll see you later.”

  She tugged Bryan’s ear and he bent down for his own kiss. “Take care of him, son. There’s no more precious gift than a child.”

  Bryan swallowed. Loudly. Jenna saw it and heard it.

  Heard the emotion, too, in his voice when he kissed his mom and thanked her.