Cowboy Take Me Away

by Jane Graves

  “So next time you tell me to just get over it,” Luke said, “you think about that, okay? You think about—”

  “Luke—”

  “Get out.”

  She shook her head slowly, the horror of the moment leaving her jaw slack and her hand at her throat.

  “Get out of this house.”

  “But—”

  “Get the hell out of this house!”

  She backed away one stumbling step, then two, her hand still at her throat, the image of Luke’s father looming in her mind like a creature in a nightmare. She’d had no idea. No idea at all, or she never would have come there and said the things she had. Now she understood. She understood that whatever she thought Luke had endured back then, it had been nothing compared to the reality of what had happened inside these walls.

  She hurried to the door, yanked it open, and ran down the steps to her truck, Luke’s furious shouts still reverberating inside her head. She opened the door and jumped inside, her body still trembling. The wind had ripped strands of hair loose from her ponytail, and she had to shove them out of her face before she could start her truck. The horror of it all was too much for her, the injustice, the terrible guilt she felt that she’d been living in heaven while he was going through hell. To Shannon, this place was just a dirty old house. To Luke, it had been a prison where his childhood had been held by the throat and flayed until it was bloody and lifeless.

  She started up the road, but before she even reached the highway, her tears began. Soon she couldn’t even see to drive. She pulled over, wiping her eyes on her sleeve, feeling so helpless she could barely breathe.

  I’m just one more pitiful stray you feel obligated to take in.

  No. God, no. It was so much more than that. She’d told him the truth. She loved him. She loved him so much that just thinking about it practically knocked her to her knees. But now she had that same horrible feeling that invaded her dreams so many nights of her life, where she saw animals that were in agony, but there was nothing she could do to stop their pain.

  Luke was right. She wanted his suffering to stop. But not out of some misguided need to save him. She wanted him to live again, to learn to love. To love her. She wanted to touch him, to hold him, to do something to drive those thoughts from his mind for good so they could figure out some kind of way forward. But now he was leaving, taking memories with him that were going to haunt him for the rest of his life.

  And there was nothing she could do to stop him.

  Luke stood in that repulsive house, breathing hard, every muscle tense and aching. Glancing out the window, he saw Shannon get into her truck and drive away. Despair overwhelmed him, and his legs felt weak and shaky. He needed to sit down, but this crappy furniture…he couldn’t bear to touch it. All he wanted to do was run.

  He left the house, sidestepping the hole in the porch, the disgustingly shabby porch that had given way beneath his feet and eventually made him face this hell on earth. When he reached his truck, he turned back and looked at the unspeakable place he couldn’t even bear to stand in.

  He wanted to set fire to it. He wanted to toss a match on what was left of the front porch and watch it go up in flames. He wanted to watch it burn until it was reduced to a pile of ashes that even the flimsiest breeze could sweep away. He wanted nothing left on this plot of land but scraggly, fire-damaged trees and blackened grass crackling in the breeze. He wished for it so hard he swore he could lift his head and smell the wood burning. But the fire wouldn’t stop there. The unprecedented lack of rain meant a single spark could ignite a fire that would consume the entire valley.

  He got into his truck. It took him three stabs to get his key into the ignition. But instead of starting the engine, he folded his arms on the steering wheel and dropped his head against them.

  She knows she knows she knows she knows…

  That thought kept pounding inside his head. The things he’d kept to himself all these years, the horrific things he vowed he’d take to his grave…

  So now Shannon knew exactly what he was, how damaged he felt because of his father, how the memory of it still stained every thought that passed through his mind. Since he’d left Rainbow Valley, every time a woman touched him, he had to divorce his mind from his body so it was just his flesh she was reaching for and not his soul, because what soul he had left was so ragged and broken it would have crumbled with a single touch.

  Until now. Until Shannon.

  I love you.

  He played those words over and over in his mind, but he couldn’t make himself believe them. He knew what drove her, what hit her on an emotional level, what made her tick. It wasn’t love. It was pity. The same pity she felt for the damaged animals she took in. And even if it was love, he’d destroyed it now. He’d told her from what depths he’d come, and they were deeper than she ever could have imagined. He squeezed his eyes closed and pressed his palms to the sides of his head. Get over it get over it get over it…

  God, how he wanted to. He wanted to smash every memory with a mental hammer over and over until the tiny fragments bore no resemblance to the reality he’d lived through.

  He’d never be able to look Shannon in the eye again. At best, she’d look back at him with the kind of pity that had always turned his stomach. That was why he needed to go, why he needed to get away from this town just as soon as he could. And this time nothing on earth would bring him back.

  Shannon drove back down the highway and turned into the driveway leading to the shelter. Freddie Jo’s car was in front of the office, and she parked beside it. She sat there a long time, trying to get a grip, feeling as if the entire world had crumbled beneath her feet. She flipped down her visor mirror and saw that her eyes looked all red and cried out, and she doubted they’d look much better anytime soon. Finally she got out of her truck and went inside. Freddie Jo looked up, and the second she saw Shannon’s face, a concerned expression came over hers.

  “Oh, honey…”

  “I’m okay,” Shannon said, wiping her fingertips beneath her eyes. She walked past Freddie Jo and went into the kitchen. She reached the table and stopped, looking toward Luke’s apartment. She walked to it slowly and opened the door.

  It was empty.

  Her heart twisted, and for a moment she thought she was going to be sick. She knew Luke had to be on his way out of town, but still she’d held on to a last shred of hope that maybe he hadn’t actually packed up everything and left. That there was a chance things would cool off and they could come back together again. But just like before, he was gone for good. And she was so afraid she wasn’t going to be able to stand it.

  She took a deep, shaky breath and walked back to the office. “Come on, Freddie Jo. We need to get the animals fed.”

  Freddie Jo turned around, wearing a sympathetic look that drove Shannon crazy.

  Shannon tossed her purse in her desk drawer. “I’ll take the horses if you’ll handle the cats. Then we can both do the dogs.”

  “I don’t know what happened between Luke and Russell,” Freddie Jo said, “but I’m thinking there was more to it than met the eye.”

  “Yes. There’s more. But it doesn’t matter. He’s gone.”

  “Luke left town already?”

  “Yes. So I guess we have things to do, don’t we? Let’s get after it.”

  “I think you need to sit for a minute.”

  Shannon wheeled around. “Sit? How am I supposed to sit? How in the world am I supposed to just sit around while there are all these mouths to feed around here? How?”

  “Shannon—”

  “It’s feeding time. The animals have to eat. Now come on!”

  But Freddie Jo still didn’t move. She just shook her head slowly. “Sweetie, I think you need to go home.”

  “No. This place is my responsibility. If Luke isn’t here to do his job, it’s up to me.”

  “Angela’s coming in later. She and I can take care of things around here. Go home.”

  “I can�
��t go home. I have things to do here. I have things…” Shannon stood there helplessly, hot tears burning behind her eyes. Finally she collapsed to her desk chair and dropped her head to her hands, praying she wasn’t going to cry all over again.

  “This was my fault,” she said, her voice shaky. “I depended too much on him. I should never have done that. I knew he was going to be gone someday, and still I did it.”

  “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”

  Tears welled up in Shannon’s eyes. She nodded, and those tears trickled down her cheeks.

  Freddie Jo came to sit in the chair next to her desk. “Luke’s a good man. I don’t care what happened last night. You’re right to love him. And I know he loves you, too.”

  “No, he doesn’t. If he loved me, he wouldn’t leave.”

  “He’s has to go to Denver. But he’ll be back.”

  Freddie Jo didn’t understand. She didn’t understand what Luke had been through, suffering pain so deep he might hold on to it forever. And Shannon couldn’t explain it to her.

  “No,” she said. “He won’t be back. And I don’t know what to do without him. How to get things done. How to live from one minute…to the next…without him…”

  Her voice choked up, and tears spilled down her face again. Freddie Jo tilted her head sympathetically. “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry about all this.”

  Shannon nodded.

  “You probably didn’t close your eyes at all last night. Go home. Get some more sleep and things will look better.”

  “I can’t. There’s just so much to do…”

  “Angela and I will take care of everything. Please, sweetie. Go home.”

  But if she went home now, what about tomorrow? Would things be better then, or was she going to feel like this forever?

  Finally she rose from her chair. She grabbed her purse from her desk drawer and left the shelter. She went back to her apartment, where she lay down on the sofa, her head feeling as if it was going to explode. Goliath came over and stuck his nose under her hand, letting out a tiny whimper. Dogs knew. They always knew when something was wrong. He climbed up on the sofa and put his chin on her thigh, his mile-long legs hanging over the side.

  She couldn’t imagine never again seeing Luke toss hay to the horses, or throw balls to the dogs, or just walk around the place with Fluffy at his side. Before he showed up, she couldn’t imagine needing anybody the way she needed him, and now that he was gone…

  She picked up her phone. Sent him a text message. Too little, too late, she knew, but she wanted to touch him in some way one last time. And she’d do it a hundred times over if she thought it would make a difference, if she thought it would ever bring him back to her. But she knew now that some hurts went soul deep and couldn’t be washed away by anyone or anything.

  She tossed her phone aside and closed her eyes, hoping to fall asleep so it would all go away, if only for a little while.

  On his way out of town, Luke stopped at the Pic ’N Go one last time. He knew Myrna might have turned against him by now, but he refused to let everything positive he’d created with her and Todd be destroyed because of what had happened last night.

  He pulled up next to the building, glad there were no other customers in sight. When he went into the store, Myrna looked over from the cash register.

  “Heard you had a rough night last night,” she said.

  Luke’s stomach churned with apprehension. “Yes, ma’am. I hit Russell Morgensen and got arrested.”

  “Did he need hittin’?”

  Luke blinked with surprise. Russell Morgensen? Yeah, he needed hittin’. And far more times than Luke had done it. But what mattered to Luke wasn’t the act, it was the aftermath. The sheriff. Everybody looking on. Jail. That horrible confrontation with Shannon at his father’s house.

  “Whether he did or he didn’t,” Luke said, “I never should have done it.”

  “If you hit him, I’m sure you had a good reason.”

  Luke felt an almost palpable sense of relief. Of all the people in Rainbow Valley, Myrna Schumaker was the last one he would have expected to take his side about anything. In fact, after last night, she might be the last ally he had in this town.

  “Just wanted to stop by to tell you I’m leaving town,” Luke said. “Getting on the road to Denver.”

  “The bull riding championship?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  She put several snacks into a bag and shoved them at Luke. “For the road,” she said. “On the house. No arguments.”

  Luke took the bag. Then he knelt down and Todd rushed over to give him a hug. Luke closed his eyes as the little boy wrapped his hands around his neck, his heart breaking. He wondered if the day would ever come when he’d become the father he’d always wanted to be. In the last few weeks, it had felt like a dream within his reach. Now it seemed a million miles away.

  Barney trotted over. Luke patted his head. “You take care of Barney now,” he told Todd.

  Todd nodded. “Will you come back to see us? We can go to another rodeo.”

  Luke felt a stab of longing. “Maybe someday, buddy.” He stood up. “Good-bye, Mrs. Schumaker.”

  “Good-bye, Luke. And good luck.”

  She turned and walked back behind the counter. Luke left the store, and when he got into his truck, he looked back to see Todd and Barney standing by the window. Luke hoped Todd would remember him as the guy who took him to a rodeo and got him a dog, not the guy who proved one more time that the son of the devil was alive and well and his legend wasn’t just a legend after all.

  Russell stood on Cynthia’s front porch, checking the address to make sure he had the right place. Then again, was there really any question? Flowering plants crawled all over the porch railing, and the front door was painted cherry red. Beside the door sat a pair of wicker chairs with orange cushions so bright they burned his retinas. If Cynthia didn’t live there, another woman in Rainbow Valley was as weird as she was. What were the odds of that?

  He knocked. Several seconds later, Cynthia opened the door.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked through the screen door.

  “Can I come in?”

  “No.”

  “No? Just no?”

  “Yes. That’s all.” She started to close the door.

  “Wait!” He exhaled, feeling about as humiliated as a man possibly could. But he’d brought it on himself, hadn’t he?

  “You were right,” he said, grinding out the words. “About Luke. I caused the fight. I said something awful, he hit me, and I deserved it.”

  He waited for the I-told-you-so he knew was coming. Instead, she said nothing.

  “I called the sheriff,” he went on. “Dropped the charges. And if I get the chance, I’m going to apologize to Luke.”

  And still she said nothing.

  “And you were right about me and Shannon, too,” Russell went on. “We’re not right for each other.”

  Still nothing. He winced, waiting for her to pile it on, but she didn’t say anything else. Finally he couldn’t stand the silence anymore.

  “Will you just let me come in for a minute?” he said. “The neighbors are starting to stare. You can’t see them doing it, but this is Rainbow Valley. Trust me—they’re staring.”

  Cynthia looked undecided, her brows drawn together thoughtfully. Finally she opened the door and Russell came inside.

  And he couldn’t believe what he saw.

  It was as if he’d walked into a flea market for people with color blindness. The walls were pale pink. The ceiling was yellow. The scuffed hardwood floors beneath his feet had probably looked pretty good approximately a hundred years ago. A cracked Tiffany lamp sat on a carved wooden end table decorated with hand-painted lime green curly cues. A carved wooden bowl sat in the middle of her coffee table, filled with Starlight mints. And it was as if all of it had been thrown inside a gigantic blender and somebody had pushed the button.

  On a nearby chair, two black and
white cats were curled up together. Then he saw Jessie, who was perched on the top of an odd piece of furniture he couldn’t have guessed the purpose of. She looked down at him, then turned up her snooty pink nose and blatantly ignored him. As his gaze circled the room, he could feel his own nose crinkling.

  “I’m betting you’re Eve’s best customer,” he said.

  Cynthia frowned. “I know you didn’t mean that as a compliment, but I’m not going to take offense. You just don’t know what cozy and comfortable look like.” She paused. “Poor thing.”

  “I’m not a poor thing! You’re a poor thing!”

  “That’s mean.”

  He drew back with disbelief. “You called me a poor thing first!”

  “But my ‘poor thing’ was sympathy, because cozy and comfy are very nice things and you don’t even know what they are. Your ‘poor thing’ was you looking down your nose at me. Is it because you grew up with that silver spoon in your mouth? Because your father is a hotshot heart surgeon and your mother sells luxury homes to gazillionaires? And I’m just a little nobody from a nothing town with an average job and an average house and—”

  “You said you weren’t going to take offense.”

  “I changed my mind.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Oh, all right. It’s just that I hate being around a mess. I don’t know why. I just do.”

  “I know you do. But that’s too bad, because I like messes. I may even mess up your files a little, just because.”

  “Don’t you dare touch my files!”

  “As long as I can find stuff, what difference does it make? Oh, yeah—I don’t work for you anymore.”

  “What would it take to get you to come back?”

  The moment the words slipped out of his mouth, he wanted to stuff them back in. He hadn’t meant to say that, or at least not blurt it out. What was it about her that made him do things he’d never intended to?