Nocturne

by Christine Johnson

  She told them about going to Matthew's and the conversation she'd had with him, looking for a way around the pack's law and Marie's order—before Amy had come over, before Amy and Matthew had talked and Claire had realized that there was never any reason to kill Amy in the first place.

  She came to the end of the story, flinching a little when she realized that she hadn't called Amy yet. Tomorrow morning, she promised herself. She dragged her attention back to the wolves, who were staring at her.

  So. That's what happened. I leave it to you to judge my actions. I stand by what I did, but I—I recognize that it was not in line with the will of the pack. I still think it was right.

  She sat down heavily and turned to her mother, trying to look calm. Hoping that no one else could hear the panicked buzzing in her head.

  Her entire future waited on the other side of the silence that hung in the clearing.

  Marie stood up and faced the group.

  Does anyone have anything to add?

  Katherine and Beatrice shook their heads, but Victoria stood, being careful not to disturb Aura.

  I do. I know that Claire's gone against the Alpha's command, and I'm not saying that it's not a big deal, but Claire has been an enormous asset to us as a pack and to me specif ically. I want her to be a part of us—I want Aura to grow up to be part of a pack that includes Claire Benoit.

  Claire dipped her head low, grateful for Victoria's defense. She wanted to butt her head against the hazel-colored wolf, but she knew it would look too impulsive.

  Victoria lay down, pressing the warmth of her side against Aura.

  Before anyone else could twitch, Judith stepped forward.

  Before you make a decision, Marie, I would also like a moment.

  Claire's mother closed her eyes briefly in assent. Judith paced close to Claire, and the scents of anger and frustration that were wafting off Judith made her cringe. Claire has ignored our laws and an Alpha's orders more than once. And the pack is only as good as the laws we have—they exist to keep us alive, and we survive because we follow them. Claire has flouted that again and again. Something has to change.

  The gray wolf sat down in front of Claire, their eyes level. Claire shivered, her skin rippling beneath her fur. Judith was going to condemn her. She stared at Claire as she continued. Any law—any command—that would drive a human who doesn't know our identities to their grave at the hands of a wolf is unacceptably flawed.

  Beatrice interrupted. Our laws are larger than this pack. We have no authority to change them.

  Judith turned to face Marie. Then we must change the way we interpret them. You are very powerful, and you know our laws better than anyone. But hear this. If you use them without good sense, without regard to what it means for us —as a species, as a pack, and as individuals—then I will challenge your position. You may be strong, Marie, and you may love our pack, but I am no weakling. Claire has done the right thing. The thought of her living with the sort of agony that I carry, when her victim didn't deserve to die—it's appalling. There is a balance to be had here, and I urge you to find it, or I will do it for you.

  Judith paced away and resumed her spot by the fire, her head held high and her eyes staring resolutely at the fire. Not challenging Marie, but ready to. Claire was too stunned to move—too stunned to breathe, almost. Both Judith and Vic toria had stood up for her, and that had to be good, but Judith's threat to Marie shook Claire. She might have disagreed with her mother, but hearing Marie's position called into question made her feel shaky.

  Without showing even a hint of nerves, Marie pushed herself to her feet.

  I agree with Judith. And that is why, though the law authorizes severe punishment for what Claire has done, it falls to me, as the Alpha, to determine whether that punishment will be given. This is the second time Claire has gone against the pack. We have discussed— and I believe that she understands—that actions of this sort lead to very serious consequences. I cannot let this go unpunished. Even though it is a positive outcome, I cannot condone this sort of behavior from one who is supposed to be loyal to our group.

  Claire's throat tightened. The edges of her vision blurred, but she kept her back straight, her ears up.

  Her mother stared steadily at her. At the next full moon, you will not be allowed to participate in the gathering. You will find your own protected place to transform. You will not come to the clearing. You will not hunt. You will be as a seule for that night. I hope, in the future, that it will be a reminder of how important this pack is to you. It will be a taste of the life you may face if you act without our consent again. Do you understand?

  Around the fire, the other wolves' tails curled close around their bodies, their ears laid flat against their heads. Katherine actually whined. It was a harsh punishment, but Claire was too relieved that they hadn't cast her out to be upset. After facing that possibility, one full moon seemed survivable. Painful, but survivable. Judith lowered her eyes, accepting Marie's decision.

  I understand. Claire lowered her head. Accepting the punishment. Bearing its weight.

  Good. Then let us return to our human forms. It is cold, and it has been a long week. I think we all need to return home and rest. Marie turned her gaze to the rest of the group. When Claire has completed her full moon alone, we will not bear the memory of this against her. Though her transgressions are to be punished, her intentions are to be honored.

  Marie stood and transformed in a swirl of fur and skin.

  The other wolves followed suit, and as soon as Victoria was on two feet and dressed, she handed Aura to Beatrice and came flying across the circle. She grabbed Claire and hugged her, squeezing until Claire's ribs ached with it.

  "I'm so glad. Your mother is a good Alpha, Claire, and you are . . . you are wonderful. I'm so happy you're here."

  "Me too," Claire whispered.

  Victoria practically skipped over to Beatrice, and the two of them headed for home with Aura cuddled in the crook of Beatrice's arm.

  Marie walked with Katherine to the edge of the forest while Judith sat staring into the dying fire. Claire crept closer to her, until Judith was forced to look up. Though her body was rigid, her eyes were liquid.

  "I—I'm sorry," Claire said quietly.

  "Why?" Judith shrugged. "Because you escaped a fate that I didn't?"

  Claire bit her lip. That was exactly what she was feeling sorry about. It seemed, somehow, that by not killing Amy she'd wounded Judith. "I know how you must feel—"

  "No, you don't!" Judith snapped.

  Claire froze, startled and hurt.

  "I'm sorry," Judith said. "I—" She looked up at Claire and inhaled deeply. "It's a very lonely thing. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I'm strong enough to admit that I didn't hate the idea of not being the only one who'd been through it."

  "You're right. I don't know how it feels." Claire wrapped her arms around her middle, wishing there were something better she could say.

  Judith tilted her head to one side. "No, but you've come closer than anyone else. And that's something. You must be angry that I challenged your mother," she said, studying Claire's face.

  "Not really," Claire said quietly. "My mother loves the laws, but that's not all there is. If I thought that way, I would have killed Amy."

  Judith smiled with such brilliance that Claire was surprised. She wasn't sure that she'd ever seen Judith smile before. Not like that, at least.

  "Well. I'm glad there aren't any hard feelings. Now, go home and suffer your punishment like a good little wolf. When your night as a seule is over, we'll still be out here, waiting."

  Claire nodded. She turned to go, aware of her mother's eyes on her back. She felt the forest close around her as she left the clearing, cutting her off from the pack. It ached, but in a not-totally-unpleasant way. Like a well-earned bruise. Sore but not permanent.

  She went home quickly and quietly, bracing herself to face the human consequences of her actions.

  Marie caught up
to her just before Claire made it to the wall that marked the boundary between the woods and their lawn.

  "Claire. Wait."

  Claire turned.

  Marie pushed back a stray strand of hair that had escaped her bun, then licked her lips. "I wanted to say that I'm sorry—I wish I hadn't had to punish you."

  Claire shrugged. "I don't mind. I mean, I'm not excited about it, but at least I'm still part of the pack."

  "You—you're not angry?" Marie's lips parted in surprise.

  "I get why you had to do it." Claire reached out and grabbed a whip-thin branch hanging from a nearby tree. "I know I'm not the only one you have to look out for."

  The look that passed across her mother's face was fierce and gentle in the same instant. "That's true," she whispered. "But you're the one I'm proudest of."

  Marie reached out and gathered Claire into her arms. Stunned, Claire returned the hug, her face pressed against her mother's shoulder.

  "It took great courage to do what you did—with Amy and in facing the pack. I want you to know that I don't take that lightly. I'm lucky to be your mother."

  "Thanks," Claire whispered, tightening her arms around her mother's back.

  Marie squeezed her briefly and then stepped away. The briskness Claire was accustomed to seeing returned to the set of her shoulders.

  "Well. No use dwelling on it, I think. Let's go home and see what Lisbeth has left for us in the refrigerator."

  Marie strode toward the brick wall and home. Claire followed, not even bothering to hide the smile that spread across her face.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  THE NEXT MORNING, Claire dressed carefully, putting on her best, most normal human mask. She had two choices, and today she was going to have to pick one.

  She could either become like Marie—like Judith—and cut herself off from the human world, or she could struggle to keep one foot in each life. She knew that in many ways, her mother's choice was simpler. There wasn't so much hiding. So much lying. But it was also an empty and lonely sort of existence.

  Still, trying to have both things—a life in the pack and a normal human life—would mean stretching beyond the limits of being careful. It meant taking a risk, and after what had almost happened to Amy, Claire knew exactly what that risk entailed.

  But her gut was telling her that it was worth it, that she wouldn't be happy any other way.

  Matthew picked her up, eyeing her outfit appreciatively. "You ready for this?" he asked.

  Claire nodded. Shrugged. "I think so. I hope so."

  "You're going to be awesome." He reached over and grabbed her hand. She hung on for dear life.

  Amy was at her locker when Claire walked into school. She could see the blond hair peeking between the shoulders of the passing crowd.

  Matthew dropped a kiss on her cheek. "I'll talk to you after, okay?"

  Claire nodded, her eyes fixed firmly on Amy. "Yes. Please."

  She hitched her bag up on her shoulder and walked over to the bank of lockers.

  "Amy." Her voice was barely loud enough to be heard over the shout and jostle of the hall, but Amy's head snapped up, her eyes widening.

  "Claire!" She put a hand out, like she meant to touch Claire's arm and then thought better of it. "Listen, did Matthew tell you that he and I talked? Because I really need to say that I'm sorry. I totally jumped to conclusions, and I only said something to you because I was so worried, but I feel like Iruined any chance that we might have had to be friends." She was talking all in a rush, her thick eyelashes growing damp.

  Claire leaned against the lockers. "It's okay. I'm not mad. I mean, I was sort of shocked, obviously. But I know you were just trying to do the right thing. It's not like you're the only one who's ever jumped to conclusions."

  Amy mirrored Claire's posture. "I just want you to know that I'm not the kind of person who spreads stuff around." Her sure smile faltered. "I wouldn't do that. I thought you were in trouble, and I couldn't stand by and let you get hurt. I was just trying to be your friend, but I did a really crappy job of it. I'm sorry."

  It was so exactly what Claire had been feeling over the last few months that it stunned her into silence.

  "I hope that doesn't sound too needy or stupid or whatever," Amy stammered.

  "Not at all," Claire said quickly. "I just—I've felt exactly that way before. And it sucks. I didn't mean to make it any worse for you. I haven't been . . . I'm not used to having to juggle things like boyfriends and stuff." She swallowed hard. "I'm the one who hasn't been a very good friend lately. Not to you and not to Emily. But that's going to change." As soon as she said the words, Claire knew she was right—that she'd made the right choice.

  "Really?" Amy blinked in surprise.

  "Yeah." Claire nodded. "Really. Maybe we can all go to Louie's or something soon?"

  "That would be great." Amy raised a conspiratorial eye brow. "If you can tear Emily away from Randy long enough."

  Claire threw back her head and laughed. "Okay. I'll tear myself away from Matthew and we'll convince her to tear herself away from Randy."

  "Deal," Amy said. "Maybe we can bribe her with cheese fries—"

  "—and a Diet Coke," they finished at the same time.

  Amy smiled at Claire, a genuine smile, and Claire found herself returning it.

  "I've gotta get to class," Amy said apologetically, cradling her books.

  "Sure," Claire said, waving her away. "No big deal. I'll pin Emily down for a girl's afternoon and then I'll text you, okay?"

  "Perfect." Amy flashed her another smile and then disappeared down the hall.

  Claire watched her go, feeling lighter.

  There was a sudden presence at her shoulder, and Claire turned to see Emily, who was watching Amy's retreating back.

  "What was that about?" she asked casually.

  Claire looked at her best friend and grinned. "Us tearing ourselves away from our boyfriends long enough to have a fries-and-gossip session at Louie's this week. You in?"

  Emily's eyes lit up. "Are you kidding? I've been dying to talk to you about Randy. I mean, Amy has great advice, but she doesn't exactly know my dating history the way you do."

  "All twenty volumes of it?" Claire teased. Emily swatted her on the shoulder. "Twenty-two," she corrected. A shadow crossed her eyes. A hesitation. "Are you sure you have time?"

  It made Claire ache. She'd found ways around the things she wasn't willing to do as a wolf. And in her human life, she wasn't willing to lose Emily, and she wouldn't keep hurting her.

  No matter what it took, she was going to find a way around this, too.

  She linked arms with her oldest friend, her best friend, and dragged her into the hallway fray. "I have time," she said confidently. "From now on, I'm going to have lots more time. I promise. No more crappy best-friend abandonment."

  Emily hip-checked her. "Took you long enough to figure that out." She looked ridiculously happy.

  "Amy helped," Claire admitted.

  Emily nodded. "She's good at that. But she's no you."

  Claire pursed her lips. "Yep. I'm one in a million all right. Don't you know that by now?"

  Emily laughed. "And that's what I love about you. Now, come on, before we're late."

  Arm in arm, they hurried down the hall. The day was waiting. Everything was waiting. One little thing at a time, she would make a life for herself. She knew it was going to be difficult—that she'd picked the thorniest, most rock-strewn path there was—but she didn't care.

  It would be worth it, in the end.

  * * * * *

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