Revive Me

by Ferrell, Charity

  “You know me too well,” I said softly, my eyes darting back to the envelope. “Thanks.”

  “So what’s going on?” he asked, scooting his chair closer to me and snagging a breadstick before taking a bite.

  I grabbed the packet and showed it to him. He beamed as he read the name of the sender. “That’s awesome. That’s what you’ve always wanted. And it looks pretty big. They only send big shit if it means you got in.” He elbowed my side playfully. “Are you going to open it?”

  I hesitated. The idea of traveling thousands of miles alone terrified me. Tanner was supposed to be at my side. And Daisy. She would’ve followed him anywhere. Suddenly, it dawned on me. It wasn’t fear of me going without Tanner anymore, it was fear of going without Dawson. Did I really want this? Was this my dream now? If I got in, would I go? I shut my eyes before slowly opening them back up to find waiting faces. I’d open it to please them, but I wasn’t going. I’d know I got into my dream college and that was enough for me now.

  “I just don’t know if it’s the right plan for me anymore,” I said, sliding my finger against the opening of the letter and letting the words sink in. If Dawson wasn’t there, it wasn’t right for me.

  “Why’s that?” My mom asked. “That’s your dream school, honey. You’ve talked about going there for years.”

  “You already showed her the envelope?” my dad asked, joining us. He rested his briefcase on the kitchen island, loosened his tie, and sat down beside my mom. Great, this was becoming too much. I didn’t want all of these eyes on me when I told them I’d changed my mind. “I take it you haven’t opened it yet?”

  I shook my head. “You’re right, it was my dream school, but my dreams and plans have changed.” What if I got stressed out there and had nobody? What if things got rough and I started cutting again? Or drinking? There’s always drinking in college.

  “Then what’s the new dream?” Dawson asked.

  “What do you mean?” I replied.

  “What’s your new plan, babe?”

  What were his plans? The words were at the tip of my tongue, but they stayed there. I was too terrified to ask. His plan was to get his own place. We’d never discussed anything past that. I never brought it up because I was waiting on him to. I knew he couldn’t afford college and his mom still hadn’t talked to him, so she wouldn’t be any help. We’d talked about our future together, our babies and wedding, but we’d never talked about the near future. Our talks were only long-term plans.

  He smiled and my mom began to tap her fingers against the table impatiently. Dawson smiled as he bent down and pulled something from his bag. I tightened my hold on the envelope when he held the object up in the air. “This is my plan,” he said, gripping a matching envelope in his hand. “As long as it’s still yours.”

  “What?” I croaked out. I slowly touched it to make sure it was real. Yep, it was definitely real. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I applied at the beginning of the year, but I wasn’t genius enough to get an early acceptance like my brilliant girlfriend.” He nudged my shoulder. “I got mine a few months ago. I applied for a few scholarships and student loans then started putting thirty percent of each paycheck into a savings account.

  “That’s why you’ve been working so much?” I asked, still in shock.

  “I told you I needed my own place, but what I meant was our place.”

  He’d done this for me. He wasn’t leaving me. He was joining me. He was grabbing my hand and taking every walk, leap, and run with me. He’d never leave me alone.

  I stared into his bright blue eyes, and my imagination grew wild on the journey we were about to take. Excitement grew at my fingertips as I gripped the envelope firmly. This was happening. We were doing this. Those deep blues stared into mine, like he was reading my mind, and he smiled brightly.

  My dad clapped his hands together. “So what do you think kids? Open the damn things so we can figure out whether we need to plan a trip to the east coast!”

  Dawson pulled at his letter, and I froze up. Reality hit me. What if he didn’t get in? What if I didn’t get in and he did? He noticed my hesitation and stopped. “You don’t have to decide right now,” he whispered. “I’ll give you time to think about it.”

  “No, I need to do this.” I handed him my envelope and snatched his. “You’re opening mine, and I’m opening yours.”

  “Ready?” He asked and I nodded. “One, two, three.” We both ripped the edges of the envelope and frantically pulled out the packet of papers.

  “Holy shit!” I yelped when I read the first line of the opening letter. “You got in!” I leaped up from my chair and started jumping up and down, but froze when I saw his face.

  “What?” I asked suddenly. His face was blank and unreadable. “What?” I repeated, panic making its way to me.

  “I’m sorry babe,” he began slowly, like he was looking for the right words.

  “I didn’t get in?” I asked, feeling the tears coming. Oh my God, I didn’t get in.

  “I’m sorry, but it looks like you’re stuck with me forever,” he said, grinning.

  I smacked his shoulder. “You ass, you scared the shit out of me.” He got up from his chair, grabbed my face, and gave me a quick peck on the mouth. “I can’t wait to take this journey with you,” he whispered against my lips. “We’re going to college, baby.”

  “Oh my God, we’ve got so much to do now. We need to start planning when we’re leaving. Is there a list of available classes because we’re accepting late? I need to figure out whether freshmen have to stay in dorms or if we can get a place together.”

  I snatched the envelope from his hand and began to scramble through the papers. He grabbed my arm, stopping me, and laughed. “Babe, we’ll do that later. Now it’s time to celebrate.”

  Tessa

  “Is this the last of it?” Dawson asked, stepping into my bedroom as I slid the tape gun across a box.

  “Nope,” I answered, groaning as I picked it up, turned around, and shoved it into his hands. He grunted, nearly dropping it in surprise, but squatted down to save it just in time.

  “No?” He dropped the box in the hallway where boxes were stacked, and came back. “There’s like fifteen boxes out there.”

  “Just one more for shoes and handbags.” I grabbed a few pairs of shoes sitting on my bed and tossed them into the last open box.

  “You already have a box of shoes and handbags,” he pointed out, jerking his head towards the hallway.

  “You can never have enough shoes and handbags.” I taped the box, settled it onto the floor, and collapsed onto my bed over a pile of clothes I’d decided against taking. “I can’t believe we’re leaving for college.”

  We’d graduated two months ago and then spent our summer getting everything in order to move. Dawson was working non-stop, so I was in charge of packing and planning. We were renting a small, studio apartment that was only a mile away from campus.

  “These ones are pretty,” he said, falling down beside me and tracing the bright pink marks on my arm. I’d made a deal with my therapist on my last appointment, whenever I felt like cutting, I’d grab a Sharpie and mark my body that way. It helped with the urges and gave me a reminder when I’d watch them fade. I’d started drawing on my wrist, my thighs, and my legs, giving them doodles of flowers, rainbows, and stick-figures holding hands. Dawson would grab a marker sometimes and color inside the lines. It had seemed cheesy at first, but it was helping. I hadn’t had a relapse since I’d left rehab.

  “Thanks,” I pointing to the stick figures holding hands, “that’s us.”

  He laughed, but I could tell something was wrong. “Impressive.” He paused and I waited for him to say something. “So guess who called me today?”

  “Who?”

  He scratched his head. “My mom.”

  She hadn’t reached out to him since the day of the parole hearing. She never called and neither had he. He did send her a ticket to graduation. It pa
ined me watching him scan the crowd every few minutes, hoping maybe she’d do the right thing, and show up. But she didn’t. He tried to play it cool, like it didn’t bother him, but I know deep down he was hurting. How could you not hurt when your parents abandoned you? Even if you despised them, you still felt the ache of being un-wanted.

  He did reach out to his grandparents and had talked to them on the phone a few times. They still lived in Illinois, and we’d planned on making a visit to them on a school break. A few weeks ago, I’d finally taken it upon myself to call his mom and tell her he was leaving. She didn’t answer the call, but I’d left a voicemail. I didn’t know what the outcome would be, but I prayed she’d do the right thing.

  “And?” Please say she apologized.

  He let out a heavy sigh and ran his hand over his chin. “She said her calling didn’t change anything with us.” I shut my eyes and shook my head. “She said she could never forgive me for what I’d done, and we’d never be able to have a relationship, but she wanted to tell me goodbye and good luck.”

  The words, “Are you serious,” were biting at the tip of my tongue, but I shut my mouth. I wanted to stomp over to his mom’s house and scream at her for being so selfish. But I didn’t want to make Dawson more upset, so I just nodded and let him continue.

  “She said she was proud of me for graduating and getting into college, something she’d never accomplished. And then she said she had to go.”

  I leaned into his side, and kissed his cheek. “At least she called, that has to count for something,” I said, in an attempt to raise his spirits. “It sounds like she’s slowly coming to her senses.”

  He shrugged. “I know she’s my mom, but each day that passes, she reminds me more of him. Right now, a relationship with her would be too hard for the both of us. Maybe in the future, after the dust settles, we can try again. But I can’t forget how she’d choose him over me. To be honest, I don’t want a relationship with her right now, either.”

  My heart broke for him. He didn’t ask who’d called her or if it was me. He just stayed silent and kept his focus on the wall in front of him. I gave him his time, rubbing his back in circles, until he looked over at me.

  He suddenly grabbed my face and kissed me softly. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, babe,” he whispered against my lips. I twisted sideways and winded my arms around his neck.

  “And I don’t know what I’d do without you,” I said, kissing him again.

  “You ready to do this?”

  I grinned. “You know it.”

  He pulled himself up from my bed, and his hand shot out to pull me up. We walked out of my bedroom to find my parents and Derrick trekking down the stairs with boxes in their hands.

  “Good thing we have a free moving crew,” I said, grabbing a box and following them.

  “That’s what you think now, sweetie,” my mom said, looking back at me “Until you get there and have to carry these boxes up three flights of stairs.”

  Shit! I hadn’t even thought about that. “Okay, I think I’ve changed my mind about you guys coming with us.” They’d gone to the school tour and apartment hunting with us, but we’d told them we could make the final trip on our own. I didn’t want them to have to make another expensive trip.

  I walked outside with my mom, and she laughed. “Too late now.”

  We loaded up the last of the boxes into my car; double-checked we had everything, and kissed my parents and Derrick, who immediately wiped his cheek off in disgust, goodbye.

  My life hadn’t gone according to my plan, but I was finally realizing that was okay. I knew there wouldn’t be a day that I didn't miss Tanner, but his death taught me a lot about myself. He showed me how strong I could be on my own. He led me towards my life goals in spirit, leaving Dawson to help me along the way. Losing him gave us a bond that helped us heal one another and cope with our struggles. It showed me the importance of making every day count. We were in charge of our own lives, and if something didn’t go as planned, we’d make another one. A Plan B and if that didn’t work, we’d create another.

  I stared out the passenger side window, the high of leaving wearing off, as I focused my mind on what was happening next. “You ready for our last goodbye?” Dawson asked, looking over at me.

  I nodded, wiping away a tear, and taking a deep breath as we drove through the entrance to the cemetery. “I am.”

  Suicide and self-harm are serious issues. Suicide is the twelfth leading cause of death in the United States. It is estimated that each year, 1 in 5 females and 1 in 7 males engage in self-injury, and approximately two million cases are reported annually in the US.

  If you, or someone you know, are dealing with self-harm, depression, or thoughts of suicide, it is important to seek help.

  National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

  1-800-273-TALK

  www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

  Self-Injury Hotline: SAFE Alternatives

  1-800-Don’t Cut (366-8288)

  Resources:

  www.selfinjury.com

  http://www.afsp.org

  Charity Ferrell lives in Indianapolis, Indiana. When she’s not writing, you can find her caving into her online shopping addiction (mainly shoes and handbags), catching up on her nearly-full DVR, reading, or spending time with her family.

  She loves to hear from her readers! Connect with her:

  Official Website

  Facebook

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  Revive Me Copyright © 2014 by Charity Ferrell

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  Editing: Chelsea Kuhel (www.madisonseidler.com)

  Cover design and interior design and formatting by

  www.emtippettsbookdesigns.com

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Foreword

  Prologue

  Chapter One – Tessa

  Chapter Two – Tessa

  Chapter Three – Dawson

  Chapter Four – Tessa

  Chapter Five – Tessa

  Chapter Six- Dawson

  Chapter Seven- Tessa

  Chapter Eight- Tessa

  Chapter Nine- Dawson

  Chapter Ten – Tessa

  Chapter Eleven - Tessa

  Chapter Twelve - Tessa

  Chapter Thirteen – Dawson

  Chapter Fourteen- Tessa

  Chapter Fifteen – Dawson

  Chapter Sixteen - Tessa

  Chapter Seventeen - Tessa

  Chapter Eighteen – Dawson

  Chapter Nineteen – Tessa

  Chapter Twenty- Dawson

  Chapter Twenty-One – Tessa

  Chapter Twenty-Two - Tessa

  Chapter Twenty-Three - Tessa

  Chapter Twenty-Four - Tessa

  Chapter Twenty-Five – Dawson

  Chapter Twenty-Six – Tessa

  Chapter Twenty-Seven - Tessa

  Chapter Twenty-Eight - Tessa

  Self Help Info

  About the Author

  Copyright Notice