Misty Blue (Indigo: Sensuous Love Stories)

by Dyanne Davis

  “You have to believe me. I didn’t stop loving you, Damien, not even for a second. How could I? You’re a part of my soul.”

  “Then what?” He raised his head and looked into her eyes. “We were so damn good together, so hot for each other.” He winced. “Now you can’t stand my touch.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “Yes, it is,” he insisted. “You cringe whenever I come near. I’ve done my best to make it quick for you. I know you hate it.”

  “I don’t.”

  “Don’t lie to me, Mia.”

  Mia looked down. “I don’t hate your touching me.”

  “You don’t like it.”

  “I do,” Mia said again and Damien’s mouth dropped in surprise. He glared at her before getting up. He strode angrily about the room, returning to glare at her once more. “Please don’t lie to me. I’ve been with enough…” He stopped himself. “You’ve never had an orgasm, Mia. Don’t lie and tell me that you have.”

  “That doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy it.” She looked away from him. “What little there is.”

  Damien stared at his wife. If he went crazy she would be the cause. “Mia, what’s going on? How about telling me? I’m sure you’ve told your brother and I don’t like that your brother knows more about what’s going on in our bed than I do.”

  “Keefe doesn’t know.”

  Hope flared in his chest. “Then you’re telling me that there is a reason?” God, what he wouldn’t give to know why Mia had suddenly turned cold. At least with a reason he stood a chance. He shook his head and blinked. He had to stop glaring at her.

  “Are you going to tell me what’s going on, Mia?”

  “I want to. I tried to.”

  “Then try again. I’m tired of living like this. This is not how I envisioned our life together.” He saw her cringe. “Are you afraid of me? What the hell did I do to bring this on?”

  “It’s not you, Damien. It’s me. We both know it. She shook her head and closed her eyes. “I’ve studied about it. I’ve counseled people with similar symptoms, but couldn’t cure myself.” She gazed at him. “I know you’re tired of this, of the way I’ve been acting and you have every right to be. I don’t blame you if you want to leave me. I know I haven’t done anything to make you want to stay. To tell you the truth, I’m pretty tired of our living like this myself.”

  Her voice was so sad but it was her words that struck fear in his heart. “Leave you? Hell, Mia, I never thought about leaving you for a minute.”

  “You didn’t?”

  “Of course I didn’t. Why would you even think that?”

  “My mother…she always left.”

  “I’m not Lillian, baby. I’m not going anywhere, I promise,” Damien said. “I’m in this for the long haul.” He reached out his hand and pulled it back. “I just want to fix the problem. But I need to know what the problem is.”

  “I’ve wanted to tell you for weeks. I’m so ashamed of what happened. I thought if I told you, you would laugh at me or think that I was crazy. I didn’t think you would understand what was happening. I barely understand it myself.”

  He pulled her by the hand to the bed and sat beside her. “Talk to me, Mia. I promise I won’t laugh and I won’t think you’re crazy. Tell me what happened.”

  “In Vegas when we made love…”

  “I definitely want to know what happened in Vegas, but what happened started before we got there. There was something wrong with you the day of our wedding. As much as I want to hear what happened when we made love I think I need to hear it all. Start at the beginning and tell me everything. I know whatever it is happened on our wedding day and if I did do something to you, something that I don’t remember, I want to know what it was.”

  She laid her head on his cheek before she began. “Remember before we married and you wanted to make love, I told you I wasn’t a slut? I never told you why not being one was so important to me.” She sniffled. “You told me that our making love once we were married was fine. But I never told you why I was so worried about that.”

  “Honestly, I thought you were just kidding. You know…just wanting to make me stop. I never believed you really thought that. Are you saying making love with me made you feel like a slut?”

  “Yes,” Mia whispered.

  “Why?”

  “My mother. I didn’t want to be like her ever.”

  Damien blinked before rubbing a finger gently down Mia’s cheek. “Explain, baby.”

  “You saw how she behaved, how she was always trying to touch you, how she flirted with your father and Jerry. I’ve told you how many men she’s had. What else do I need to say?”

  “A lot more than that.”

  “I’m doing as you asked, Damien. I’m telling you from the beginning, but it’s really the reverse of what happened. It was our making love that made me think of all the other things that had happened that day.”

  “The sequence doesn’t matter. I just need you to tell me everything that happened that day.” Mia started sobbing and Damien wanted to stop her, tell her she didn’t have to say any more. But that wouldn’t do either of them any good. She needed to get it out and he needed to hear it.

  “During our reception when I went looking for you it was because of some awful things I heard my mother saying. I heard her telling Jerry that you were going to dump me. She said that she wished she could see your face when you tried to make love to me.”

  “I’m sorry about all that, baby, but your mother, she’s not quite right. She has a problem, it’s so obvious. The stuff she told you was garbage. I told you that. I thought we’d put it all behind us.”

  “So did I. She just has a way of getting to me that no one else has. I overheard her say you were dancing with her and you got an erection.” Mia’s eyes closed. “I knew in my heart it wasn’t true, so I went looking for you and found you with Ashleigh. You didn’t even see me. I stood there watching you and you didn’t even look my way.” She sniffled some more and looked away.

  Damien was beginning to understand. Things were at last beginning to make some sense. “That’s why you were in the bathroom crying and why Keefe was so damn angry?” He frowned. “There has to be something else. Granted you were upset then, but we went and cut the cake and you were smiling. I can’t remember everything but I do remember you were happy when we first went up to the room. I can see your face perfectly and when you went into the bathroom to change you were happy. What happened then?”

  “Nothing. It was just that when I came out you were sleeping. I tried to wake you. I couldn’t believe it was our wedding night and you’d gone to sleep.”

  “I passed out.”

  “But it was like I couldn’t hold your interest long enough for you to…to…and on our wedding night.”

  “It wasn’t you, baby. I was tired and you were taking so damn long in that bathroom that I just passed out, that’s all. Believe me, I wanted you.”

  “It didn’t feel like it. Then there was the gift, the wedding gift you gave me. I couldn’t believe it, a porno tape, Fifty Ways to Please Your Lover.”

  “Mia, it was a joke.”

  “I think I knew that but I was…I was…doubting myself. I was so afraid and I didn’t know of what. I was so mean to you, that stunt I pulled, my virgin sacrifice. I just needed you to hold me. When you wanted to do what we’d both been waiting for, I just got angry. It kind of felt like you did marry me only to have sex.”

  “Was it because of the tape?”

  “No, I had decided to forgive you for that. It just wasn’t the gift I had in mind.”

  “What did you have in mind?”

  “Jewelry, sexy lingerie,” she smiled, then shrugged. “I was mostly disappointed.”

  He stared hard at her. “Okay, that brings us to Vegas, just the two of us. After we fought and I came back to the room we were fine. You wanted me to make love to you, Mia, didn’t you?”

  She looked deep into his eyes before answering. �
��Yes, I wanted it as much as you did.”

  “Then it seems the real problem has something to do with me. I was making love to you. You pushed me off and ran crying into the bathroom. I have to tell you, baby girl, that’s definitely not a confidence builder. Then on top of that, we get home and you sleep in a separate room. Every time I’ve tried to figure it out, it all comes down to my making love to you. Tell me what happened while I was making love to you.” His voice was hoarse and he was hurting, but determined to hear the truth.

  “You said I was a natural. That was the worst thing you could have said to me. My entire life, I’ve struggled not to become like my mother, and on the most important day of my life you practically said that I was her.”

  “Mia, I did no such thing.”

  “Like I said, Damien, it wasn’t you. It was me. That’s what I heard. We both know what my mother is, why pretend? Only a slut would try to hit on her daughter’s man.” Mia held her hand up to stop any protest from Damien.

  “I was enjoying everything we were doing, Damien, really I was. I think maybe I was enjoying it too much. When you said what you did, all at once I felt I was like her…a slut. I was trying so hard to handle it but the more I enjoyed it the worst I felt. When I looked at you, in my mind I saw every man my mother had been with. And I knew I had turned into her. I couldn’t look at you, so I closed my eyes. I tried to block the pictures out but I couldn’t.”

  “You had a vision?” He shook his head a little.

  “It wasn’t a vision, Damien, it was a mental picture. Once the images started, my fear took over. It snowballed and got out of control. The only thing I could think to make it stop, was to make you stop.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me that then, when I was going crazy thinking I had hurt you, that you hated me, that you thought…that you thought.” He swallowed. “That you thought I’d raped you.”

  “I never thought that, but I couldn’t tell you because I felt so dirty. And despite my feelings I wanted to do it again. I was so afraid that if you came near me I would give in to those feeling and I would be even more like her.”

  “Mia, there was nothing wrong with us making love. I’m overjoyed to know that you were enjoying it. All this time I thought you hated it, hated my touching you.”

  “No, Damien. I never hated it. Besides, I managed to work most of it out in my head, and with the help of my therapist. I knew our being intimate wasn’t dirty, that it was normal, but by the time I came to that conclusion we had another problem. When we started back to…to doing it, I thought you hated making love to me. You did it so fast, never caressing me, none of the passion was there. And you got up so quickly and left the room that I thought you were disappointed in me. I thought I couldn’t compete with all the women you’d had.”

  A lump was trying to work its way to her throat. She refused to allow it to stop her from finally telling Damien, what she should have told him weeks before.

  “I’ve been trying to work through this also. But I kept thinking of all the things you’d said to me before we got married, how you kept saying you wanted me. And now that you had me, now that I wasn’t a virgin anymore, you didn’t seem to want me. Everything came flooding at me, including all the things my mother had said. It was all more than I could handle.”

  She began crying in earnest and Damien allowed her to cry it out. He hugged her to him, thankful to have her in his arms, tears and all.

  “Mia, do you still think I married you just so I can sleep with you?”

  She didn’t answer.

  “Mia, I love you.”

  Still she didn’t answer.”

  “Mia, why did you marry me?”

  “Because you complete me. You’re the other part of my soul.”

  “And that’s why I married you, baby girl. You complete me.”

  “But I don’t make you happy.”

  “You’re talking about in bed?”

  “Yeah. I can tell. You always look so sad when you leave the room.”

  “And you thought that was because…” Damien sighed. “We should have talked. Every time I’ve…” He hated to say ‘made love’ because he didn’t feel that he ever had.

  “Mia, I thought you were only sleeping with me because you felt sorry for me, for the things my mother said. As much as I wanted you, I thought that you didn’t really want me.”

  He held her gaze for a long time. “I just wanted to do it as quickly as possible. Then when I was done, I couldn’t stand the thought of your not wanting me. That was the reason I left the room. You were always crying afterwards.”

  He took in a couple of deep breaths, then let them out in relief as he held Mia close to him. “Baby, you weren’t the only one fighting demons. Hell, my mother said a lot of stuff to me just the same as she did to you, but I didn’t believe it for a second. But I would have had to be a fool not to see that you didn’t want me. Knowing that, knowing I couldn’t satisfy you, do you know what that was doing to me? I never in a million years expected us to have such a problem.”

  Damien ran his hands through his hair, tugging on the long braids. “So neither of us has been satisfied with our relationship. Is that a fair statement?”

  “Yes, I’d say it’s a fair statement,” Mia answered.

  Damien stroked her cheeks, his love for her overwhelming him. “Do you want to know why I wasn’t satisfied?” He waited while Mia nodded her head and looked down. He lifted her chin so that she was looking at him. “It’s because I wasn’t truly making love to you. All the passion we had for each other appeared to have evaporated somewhere along the line. Did I get off? Yes, but that wasn’t all that I wanted. I wanted to soar to the clouds and I wanted to take you with me.”

  “And I wanted to go,” Mia answered. “That first day in Vegas when you were touching me, I’d wanted it for so long. I loved your touching me, until…”

  “Until you became afraid, until you thought I was comparing you with your mother, until you thought you were a slut. I never thought that Mia, never for a fraction of a second”

  “But you stopped acting as though you think I’m special,” she whispered. “I didn’t know how to make you touch me again. I’ve been thinking, even though you meant it as a joke, maybe I should watch the tape, maybe it would help.”

  “Where is that tape I gave you, Mia? We need to clear that up now.”

  “In my suitcase.”

  “Go get it. I have a feeling you didn’t even take it out of the box.”

  Mia went for the tape and Damien went to the kitchen and splashed cold water on his face. He couldn’t believe it. He and Mia had talked about everything before they were married but this. The most important thing and they’d both clammed up. He remembered her saying once that she didn’t want to be a slut, but he hadn’t taken it seriously. How could he? She was a virgin for God’s sake. He flexed his hands and walked to the sofa to wait for his bride. Okay, he could handle this. Together they would fix it. At least she still loved him. Mia handed over the still partially wrapped box.

  “Take the tape out, Mia.”

  He waited while she looked at the envelope that was there. The surprise on her face told him that she’d never seen it before.

  “Read it,” he said.

  Fifty Ways to Please Your Lover: Mia, you’ve covered every one of them by marrying me. I love you, baby girl, and I promise to try and use all fifty ways to please you. We have nothing to worry about, Mia. Our love will see us though any problems.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” Mia whispered.

  “Why didn’t you read it?” Damien countered. I never meant for you to think you were lacking, I only meant the tape as a joke. I was stupid for not taking your worries more seriously.” He stared at his bride for a moment, realizing what this meant. “Come here.” He saw her trembling. “Why are you trembling? What’s that about?”

  “I’ve missed you so much,” she answered and threw her arms around him.

  And he was holding her clo
se to his heart. “God, I’ve missed you too.” He pulled back, traced her lips with the pad of one finger. Then he dipped her and kissed her. Damien kissed his wife with all the hunger that was in him, like a man denied food for so long who was suddenly presented with a banquet. He didn’t think he would ever get his fill of her.

  When he finally came up for air, he knew they would be okay. His wife loved him as he loved her. She always had. She was still trembling and so was he. With passion.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Damien felt as if a two ton Mack truck had been lifted from his shoulders. For months he hadn’t been able to believe the path his marriage had taken. It had been like a bad dream, one he was praying constantly to wake from. And now that the dream was over Damien was ready for all the hard work ahead. He would give his all into rebuilding their relationship into what it should be.

  He started laughing and Mia joined in. They danced around hugging each other, not stopping until they collapsed on the floor. Then and only then did Damien pull her into his lap. “Baby girl, we’ve got a lot of talking to do.” He kissed her lightly at first, then deepened it until he felt the shiver of desire from Mia. Her response erased any lingering uncertainty. She wanted him still. He stared at her. “Wow!”

  “Now do you believe me?” Mia said softly. “You’ve always had that effect on me.” She attempted to pull him toward the bedroom. “I think we need to make up for lost time.”

  As much as Damien wanted to, he knew they needed to talk, to get everything said and put it behind them.

  “Mia, you said you tried to cure yourself. How?”

  “I knew I had to let go of the pictures in my mind. I knew you had nothing to do with that. Still, I had to work through it. I wanted you to make love to me.”

  “It was going to be pretty damn hard to do that in separate rooms.”

  “I know. I was secretly glad that you made me come into our bed. I loved lying next to you.” She smiled shyly. “I’d lie on you when you slept.”

  Damien surprised her. “I know. All the times I wasn’t asleep. Since you wouldn’t touch me any other way, I took what I could get. You said you couldn’t cure yourself. What did you do?”