Heart in a Box

by Ally Sky

  "It hurt," she tells him in a much less happy tone. "The nurse wasn't nice."

  The nurse was impatient. Vivian was crying, and I just wanted to finish and run. What a nightmare.

  "I had to hold her," I share the story with the kind doctor, who straightens back to standing. "It wasn't fun."

  "I'm sure." He reaches out and rubs the back of his neck. "I'm sorry you had to go through that, it's never easy."

  "It was our first time, and hopefully our last one." I stare quickly at Vivian.

  "Mom's watching over me," Viv updates Dr. Diaz.

  "I'm sure." He smiles at me. "Next time you need a doctor, come to me, I can remove stitches."

  "Forgive me if I keep hoping that we won't need your services." I laugh, and the smile on Luis' face grows.

  "I certainly forgive and hope we won't meet again at the hospital," he nods, "but maybe we can meet somewhere else?"

  "Meet where?" I scrunch my brow.

  "I hope I’m not crossing the line," he lowers his voice, "but would you like to go out for coffee?"

  "Coffee?" It takes me a moment to realize what he wants. Idiot, he's asking me on a date!

  "No, I'm sorry . . . I'm not . . ." I falter in confusion and tighten my grip on the shopping cart.

  "Ah, well, I thought I had nothing to lose in asking," he quickly apologizes with a smile, but my mother's words scream in my head. The right guy will come and accept the situation as it is. You are smart, beautiful and loving, and you have other things to give.

  Colin had no problem sleeping with others, while I waited and waited and convinced myself no one would want me. And now Dr. Luis Diaz is asking me out. He knows I have a child, he met my ex in the hospital, a meeting that was not particularly happy, and he wants to go out with me. Maybe he won't run away when he finds out.

  I-D-I-O-T, tell him yes. Go out with the nice doctor for a silly date, just to remember how it's done. Do you want to be alone? Colin isn't the only man on the planet!

  "Maybe," a moment of madness grabs me, "maybe we can have coffee after all."

  "Yes?" He seems surprised at the dramatic change in my mind.

  "Sure." I nod like a sixteen-year-old who doesn't know what she's doing.

  You really don't know what you're doing.

  "Here's my number." He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and hands me a business card. "Call me."

  "Okay." I examine the little paper in my hand. I'm going on a date with Dr. Luis Diaz, who is going to find out what a flawed loser I am. Amazing.

  "Good bye, Elizabeth." His voice makes me look up from the card and smile at him. "Bye, Vivian."

  "Bye, Dr. Diaz." She waves good bye to him. He steps away from us lightly, and I remember to breathe.

  "Mama," Vivian calls to me from the back seat as we make our way home. "Why don't you go out for coffee with Colin?"

  The car in front of us stops abruptly. I curse loudly, press the brake and turn my head back to check on Viv, who doesn't seem particularly upset.

  "Are you okay?" I regulate my breath from the unexpected stop.

  "Why don't you go out with Colin?" She doesn't take her blue eyes off me.

  "He's just a friend." I look straight and continue driving.

  "He's nice," she says firmly.

  "Dr. Diaz is nice too."

  "Colin is funny. Daryl wants to meet him, he loved the book."

  I know that Daryl loved the book, I listened to her for a whole afternoon telling me again and again how they were both planning to fly to the moon.

  "Colin is just a friend," I make it clear again. "I've known him for many years, and Dr. Diaz can be funny too."

  "How do you know?"

  "He has good eyes, and he took care of you with devotion."

  "What's devotion?" She makes it difficult.

  "It means he treated you very nicely, and that means a lot." I try to explain in words she understands.

  "Colin has beautiful eyes." She doesn't let the subject go. "They're blue, like mine." The suffocation in my throat makes me tighten my hands on the wheel. Just like yours, Vivian, and they've gotten me in trouble more than once.

  "What do you want for dinner?" I pull myself together. We’ve talked enough about the new boys in our lives.

  "I want ice cream. Grandpa promised to take me, and you said that if you promise, you have to keep the promise," she tells me.

  My father did say he would take her, and then she fell and was hurt and the plan was forgotten. Apparently someone remembered, after all.

  "I'll call him and see if he's available, but I want you to eat something real before that."

  "Grandpa will buy me something real." She runs the matter with a high hand. I dial from the speakerphone and wait to hear if my father wants to take his granddaughter for a joint outing.

  "Lizzie," he answers after three rings.

  "Grandpa!" Viv calls out to him.

  "Sweetheart," he sounds eager to hear her, "how are you?"

  "You promised me ice cream!"

  "And I didn't take you? That’s wrong of me. " He laughs. "Where are you?"

  "On the way home," I reply.

  "Your mom isn't far away, she can pick up Vivian. Do you want to join?"

  "Mama's going out with Dr. Diaz," the little snitch shouts into the car.

  "I'm sorry?" My father makes sure he hears right.

  "I'm not going out with him," I grumble. "He invited me for coffee."

  "I see," he whispers quietly.

  "We'll be home in a minute, tell Mom to meet us there and don't bring Vivian back too late!" I warn. My father has a tendency to ignore my daughter's bedtime, which makes me angry again and again.

  "I'll bring her back when we're done." He doesn't promise to follow my rules.

  "I'll talk to Mom." I can trust her. "Bye, Dad." I hang up the conversation and steer the car down the street all the way to our driveway.

  "I heard you have a date." My mother is standing in the door waiting for Vivian to join her when she finishes in the bathroom.

  "Jesus Christ," I grumble to her, "you bunch of gossips, that's what you have to say? How about 'Hello, Elizabeth, nice to see you?'"

  "Hello, Elizabeth," she teases me. "When are you going out with him?"

  "I'm not going out with him!" I'm losing my patience. "What is it with you people?"

  "I'll bring Viv back by eight and put her to bed, just in case you get delayed. Call him." She raises an eyebrow.

  "I'm not calling anyone."

  "Because you're waiting for Colin." She irritates me more.

  "In your dreams," I snarl angrily.

  "So go out with the doctor," she continues.

  "Okay!" I give up dramatically. "I'll go out with the doctor, happy?"

  "Why is Mom angry?" Vivian emerges from behind me.

  "She's not angry." My mother picks her up. "She's busy, and we're going to see Grandpa."

  "And eat ice cream," the little one recalls, in case anyone had forgotten.

  "Definitely." My mother kisses her head. "Elizabeth, you have a phone call to make."

  "Put her to sleep on time," I insist.

  "Good bye, my dear." She smiles broadly. I close the door behind them and take Dr. Diaz's business card out of my bag. I'm not waiting for Colin, and if my mother thinks I am, I'll prove her wrong.

  What was I thinking?

  I stand in front of the mirror, staring at the figure reflected in a dark blue dress and high heels. Dr. Diaz, or Luis, as he insisted I call him, was overly excited by my call and he agreed to meet.

  Having chosen one of my old dresses, high-heeled shoes that survived the years they lay in the closet, I now stare at my cleavage and curse. My breasts grew, when I gained weight, and they're threatening to burst out of the dress and shame me.

  Colin would laugh at you.

  Colin has lost the right to say something, anything, and he doesn't get to decide what I wear. I grab my bag and go out of the bedroom quickly before I change
my mind and switch into jeans. I'm going on a date, I'm allowed to dress up and I'm allowed to wave my boobs, no matter how big they are.

  At the entrance to the cafe, where we have arranged to meet, I notice Luis and feel more foolish than ever. He's dressed in pale jeans, a white t-shirt and sneakers, and I'm suffocated in this silly dress, trying to look like someone I'm not. As I approach him he smiles broadly and, to his credit, his eyes remain on my face and don't wander to my chest making its debut.

  "Elizabeth," he tilts his head slightly and opens the door politely. His strange smell hits me and my guts make another unimaginable roll. I try to put a more confident look on my face, in order to disguise the growing tension in my body, walk in and greet the silence of the empty cafe. Apart from us, there is only a single couple at one of the tables, so I choose one in the far corner and place my bag on my knees.

  Luis sits down opposite me, relaxed and confident, I think. The waiter comes over to us and takes our order, tea for me and coffee for my date.

  "Do you want something to eat?" Luis makes sure, before the waiter moves away.

  "No thanks." I have no appetite and, to be honest, I'm mostly nervous about it all.

  The waiter smiles and goes to handle our drinks and Luis sits back in his chair.

  "So . . ." He smiles, again.

  "So . . ." I almost have to force my jaw muscles to create a semblance of a smile.

  "How's Vivian?" He chooses to talk about my child. Is that supposed to tell me something?

  "She's okay."

  "Spending the evening at her dad's?" He steals a curious glance at me. That's where he's going. I get it.

  "She's with my parents." I choose my words carefully. "Her father came back recently, and she still doesn't know who he is. He left before she was born." If I begin to explain, we won't leave here until nine. We won't leave until morning, if I tell him the whole story.

  "Complicated." He purses his brow.

  "Yes, we're not together."

  "I think I figured that out myself at the hospital." He tilts his head slightly.

  "Right." The conversation is making me quite uncomfortable, so I decide to direct it to him. "And you, an eligible bachelor?"

  "Divorced." I don't know why his answer surprises me. I didn't think anyone would divorce the successful, smiley doctor. Maybe he divorced her. Maybe he's a terrible man and only pretends to be a nice guy. I repress my anxious thought in favor of the conversation.

  "Do you have children?" I'm carefully inquiring. Maybe he has children and he doesn't want any more? That could be perfect.

  "No." He smiles, his answer isn't what I had hoped for. "Not yet."

  "Do you like your job?" I try to calm my wildly beating heart.

  We're just having coffee and I'm already thinking about kids, but how can I not?

  "I love my work." Our quick waiter comes back with our order. I pick up my cup of tea and blow on the hot drink to cool it.

  "That was my dream once," I share, "to become a doctor."

  "Yeah?" He sips his coffee carefully.

  "I was accepted to UT."

  Colin is the only one who knows about it. I can only guess what my father's reaction will be if he finds out one day.

  "What happened to your dream?" Luis returns my thoughts to the present.

  "I gave it up, so I wouldn't have to leave . . ."

  "Vivian's father," he completes my sentence.

  "Yeah," I nod.

  "He was your high school sweetheart."

  "He was."

  "You sacrificed your future for him, and he left?" He finds it difficult to understand the sequence of events.

  "He didn't know I was accepted." Not that I think it would have changed anything.

  "How old are you?" he puts his coffee down on the table, seemingly trying to guess the answer to his question.

  "Twenty six," I reply, "and you?"

  "Thirty one. And where do you work?"

  Painful subject number three or maybe four, I’ve lost count. My life is sliding down a slippery slope and I can't stop it. What a loser.

  "I work in a furniture store," I take a deep breath before continuing, "but it's closing, and I have to find something else."

  "What are you thinking of doing?" He asks another difficult question to which the answer is still unclear.

  "I'm not choosy," I avoid, "I'm sure I'll find something."

  "If you've been accepted to medical school, I'm sure you can find a good job. I'm still paying my student loans." He barely smiles as he takes a sip of his coffee.

  "I just want to stay free to take care of Vivian, so my hours are limited."

  "Your parents don’t help?"

  "They do, I just don't like asking for favors."

  "She's their granddaughter, I don't think they're doing you a favor." He laughs quietly.

  She is their granddaughter, and they do me a lot of favors. They save me when the car gets stuck, pay for daycare when I can't, take Viv when I go on a failed date that leads nowhere . . .

  I'm not sure what I thought would happen, but I didn't imagine this conversation. Luis smiles, and he's really nice, but I feel like we're in a job interview. Examining each other, nothing flowing naturally, and it's probably because of me.

  "I'm sorry, Luis," I apologize sheepishly, "I'm not good at this dating thing."

  "You haven’t gone on many, I suppose," he says in an empathetic tone.

  "I had a baby at home, and then I just…didn't." What a sorry excuse. Even before Vivian was born, I was not a social type. If not for Colin and his crowd, I would have stayed at home or spent time in the library, as I did before he crashed into my life.

  "Maybe you're not ready," Luis guesses quietly.

  "I'm ready," I quickly correct him, "really, I just don't know how to do it."

  "Do what? Drink coffee?" he laughs. "That's pretty much it Elizabeth, we drink and talk like friends."

  "I don't have friends." The sentence escapes my mouth uncontrollably.

  "You don't?"

  "No friends," I repeat the words that turn my guts. "I've had one friend since junior high, but besides him, I don't really hang out."

  "Don't you have a good friend you talk to, pour your heart out to?" The astonishment on his face is obvious.

  "I have my mother."

  "I don’t think that’s the same."

  "I guess not." I don't argue. It's not the same, but that's how it's always been. "Do you know those girls who read books under trees in the park or carry on their backs a bag full of study materials?" I don't know where the burst of words comes from, but they come, and I can't stop myself. "I had one goal—to be accepted to medical school. Nothing else interested me. I didn't wear dresses or high heels and that hasn’t really changed. As for my work, I'm a saleswoman at a furniture shop that is closing soon. I'm going to be unemployed, and I have to find a new job, so I don't have time for friends. I've been a single mom for almost five years, and now Vivian's father is back, and I have to deal with that too." I finish my speech in a frustrated tone.

  "I think you have unresolved issues to deal with."

  "I have no unresolved issues." I really don't remember asking for his opinion of my life.

  "Are you sure?" His voice grows distant. He leans back, enlarging the distance between us. "Do you still love Vivian's father?"

  "What?" I open my eyes. "No, of course not, I don't—"

  "Why did you agree to out with me?" he interrupts me.

  Because I wanted to prove something to my mother, to myself. Give Colin back to those girls he slept with.

  Dumb reasons to go out on a date, no doubt.

  "I don't love Vivian's father. He did something unforgivable." Something inside me shrinks when the words are said explicitly. "I'm at a crossroads and I have to decide where to go from here."

  "You're not ready," he insists.

  "I don't think you know me enough to make that assumption."

  "Elizabeth," he say
s quietly, "don't lie to yourself. We've just finished spending twenty minutes together, trying to figure out what to talk about. I'm pretty sure you're an intelligent woman who could have an interesting conversation if you were into it."

  "It's not like that." I refuse to accept his distinction.

  "You don't owe me explanations." He raises his hand in a surprising gesture and signals to the waiter to bring the check. I guess he's tired of sitting and hearing what a major loser I am.

  "I'm sorry our date didn't go as planned." I pull my bag from my lap.

  "Maybe one day, after you take care of your affairs, we can try again." He smiles but, this time, his mouth is drawn into a kind of crooked line, which makes it clear that he doesn’t mean it.

  "Good bye, Luis." I rise slowly, unable to smile back.

  "Take care, Elizabeth," he replies with estranged politeness. I shake my head in a tiny gesture and hurry toward the door. What do I have to do with dates? What do I have to do with good guys? Everyone can see who I am, and the second they pick up on it, they run away. Colin might have taken four years to understand, but eventually, realization came.

  A knock on the door makes me jump off the couch at nine thirty. I go over to open it hesitantly and peer into the peephole to see who is looking for me at this hour. My mother went home after I came back early from my date, which didn't go as expected, and now my daughter is asleep. And beyond the door stands her father, which just makes my anger climb.

  "Sorry for the time," he quickly apologizes, as I open and stare at him witheringly.

  "What are you doing here?" I grunt furiously.

  "I was around and I remembered you said your TV breaks sometimes." He frowns and only then do I notice the huge package at his feet. "Is everything okay?"

  Is he kidding me? Who does he thinks he is, showing up here at such an hour to distribute gifts no one asked him to give!

  "Nothing's okay," I shout, "you've ruined everything!"

  "Is Vivian asleep?"

  "That’s none of your business," I interrupt his inquiry, which comes a few years too late. "Just get out of here, disappear, crawl back into the hole you came out of and let our lives get back on track." I try to close the door, but he grabs it and prevents me from slamming it in his face.