Living with Love (Lessons in Love)

by Clarissa Carlyle

  It seemed strange to imagine being back home, as Alex sat outside in the lazy evening heat, watching couples walk past, talking excitedly together in a foreign tongue. A faint breeze danced through Alex’s loose blonde hair, stroking her cheek. She glanced at her cell phone, which was positioned on the table before her. She’d text Ashley a few times but heard nothing back.

  Picking up the device, Alex scrolled through her list of contacts and settled on one name, staring at it intently. Drunk on the freedom of being away on vacation, Alex wanted to call him, to hear his voice again. She wanted to speak to Mark. But it had been so long. What would she even say?

  For at least ten minutes Alex looked at her phone and debated whether or not she should call him. In her mind she reread the last letter he had sent her; he had promised to wait for her, however long that would be. Four years had passed since their romance ended. Shouldn’t feelings have dulled in that time?

  Alex looked at his name on her digital touch screen. His number might not even be the same. But she’d only know if she called. Alex moved her thumb to initiate the call when her phone suddenly beeped to alert her to an incoming text message. It was from Ashley. She was back at the hotel.

  Briefly, Alex was struck numb. She had come so close to calling Mark, but it was as if fate had intervened, distracting her from connecting with him. She paused for a moment, still considering calling him, and then ultimately decided against it, raising her hand to a nearby waiter to ask for the check.

  ****

  “So how was your date?” Alex asked as she entered the room.

  Ashley was sitting on her bed, already wearing her nightdress, the makeup she’d so carefully applied earlier now scrubbed off.

  Walking in and seeing her like that, with boys the topic of the evening, made Alex think of their bedroom back in Princeton, and the biting realisation that when they returned to America they wouldn’t be able to meet like this anymore overwhelmed her. Alex began to cry, soft, regretful tears.

  “Oh no, what is it? I knew I shouldn’t have left you alone all day. I’m so sorry!” Ashley was instantly by her side, hugging her.

  “No, no, it’s not that.” Alex sniffed.

  “Then what is it?”

  “It’s just… this is our final night together, for goodness knows how long. For four years you’ve always been there for me, and now I have to go and live in a strange city, on my own, and I don’t know if I can do it without you there! I’m going to miss you so much!” Alex was now weeping, and her words brought tears to Ashley’s eyes too.

  “I’m going to miss you too,” Ashley declared, her tears quickly intensifying to sobs.

  The girls hugged one another, crying over their time together drawing to a close as life inevitably pulled them forward and apart. As much as they might want to, they couldn’t stay in college forever. Alex knew that the hardest part of growing up was the distance that formed between you and your loved ones. She didn’t want to let Ashley go, didn’t want to end their late night chats about boys. She had become more than a best friend to her; they were like sisters.

  “I wanted to wait to give you this,” Ashley said tearfully, wiping at her cheeks as she pulled away from Alex and retrieved something from under her bed.

  “I know you don’t like me giving you gifts, but this is more of a present for me,” Ashley insisted, handing Alex a neatly wrapped box with a pink bow on top.

  “What is it?” Alex looked at the box in puzzlement.

  “Open it and see,” Ashley urged, getting a tissue to help her quash her stream of tears.

  Alex carefully unwrapped the box and gasped when she saw that it contained an iPad. She looked up at her friend in disbelief.

  “I can’t accept this,” she said, shoving the gift towards Ashley, who merely pushed it back into her friend’s arms.

  “Yes, you can, like I said, it’s more of a gift for me. You see, this way, we can Skype together every night, even if we’re in bed, so we don’t have to stop having our end-of-day chats!”

  Alex looked first to the box and then to Ashley, her look of shock melting into a wide smile.

  “I don’t know what to say,” she admitted.

  “Thank you will suffice!” Ashley grinned.

  “Thank you, thank you so much!” Alex reached out and embraced her friend tightly. She wanted to thank her for so much more than the iPad but didn’t have the words.

  “I got you something too,” Alex admitted sheepishly. “Though it isn’t as impressive as your gift.”

  “I bet it is.” Ashley smiled.

  Alex opened her bedside cabinet and pulled out an ornate silver photo frame, within which was the image that the girls had taken previously when they were on the London eye.

  “Oh my God, when did you get this printed?” Ashley squealed with delight when Alex handed it to her.

  “I did it today,” Alex admitted shyly.

  “And the frame, it’s so beautiful, so me!”

  “It’s from Paris,” Alex explained. “I thought, the picture is from London, the frame from Paris and they all came together in Rome, so it kind of represents our whole trip.”

  “It’s amazing,” Ashley gushed. “I’m going to treasure it always.” She clutched the picture tightly to her chest and then put it down by her bed, smiling fondly at the image, already knowing that wherever she went, she would take it with her and always feel that warm, fond feeling of true friendship whenever she looked at it.

  “I guess we should really get to bed.” Alex sighed sadly.

  “Or we could stay up all night talking,” Ashley suggested mischievously.

  “I like the sound of that,” Alex agreed. “Besides, I need to hear all the dirt about your date with Ricardo.”

  “There’s no dirt to dish,” Ashley said coyly.

  “Oh, come off it!” Alex threw a cushion at her best friend. “Did you kiss him? Oh my God, you so kissed him!”

  The girls erupted into fits of giggles as Ashley tried in vain to deny that she’d kissed Ricardo.

  ****

  As dawn broke over Rome, the girls, red-eyed from lack of sleep, wearily pulled their luggage into the airport for the final plane journey home. There was a bittersweet feeling between them, as both knew that on returning to America, nothing would be the same for them. They’d be living on opposite sides of the country.

  “I need to hear all about New York,” Ashley insisted as they both downed a much-needed espresso.

  “And I want to hear all about your fancy-pants political job,” Alex said.

  “Well then, that’s the beauty of Skype. We must call each other every night, no exceptions.”

  “No exceptions,” Alex agreed solemnly.

  “Thank you for an amazing vacation,” Ashley said sincerely, toasting Alex with her miniature cup and saucer.

  “Thank you for an amazing four years,” Alex said, growing tearful.

  “No tears!” Ashley declared, quickly passing Alex a napkin. “I want our parting to be a happy one. Besides, I’m already planning on coming to the Big Apple for Thanksgiving!”

  Alex smiled, excited for what lay ahead even if it was frightening in magnitude. Soon she’d be living alone and working a new job within one of the busiest cities in the world. But beyond that there was Christmas, when Alex planned to return to Woodsdale, where she would inevitably see Mark once more, and the thought of seeing him again scared her more than any of the other changes that were looming on the horizon of her future.

  Part Two

  The sounds of New York City pulsated into Alex’s eardrums. There was the constant honking of car horns interspersed with the high-pitched squeal of a siren. It was an endless drone of noise, which didn’t stop even after she’d closed the door to her one-room apartment.

  “Dare I say, I prefer the trailer,” Andy commented as he placed a cardboard box full of Alex’s belongings onto the bare wooden floor.

  “Andy, be kind,” Jackie immediately berated her son. Th
en she looked around the small space herself and felt her heart drop. He had been right to state that the trailer dwelling back in Woodsdale was preferable.

  Alex’s new apartment was tiny. One square space comprised the foldaway bed, which was currently hidden in the wall, and a miniature kitchen area, which was basically a camping stove and a sink; there was no fridge. Behind a partition was a toilet and shower. It was all basic and squashed together as though a whole house had been forced to exist within someone’s hallway.

  Moving to the grime-covered window, Jackie glanced down at the street below, where they’d previously exited their yellow taxi and walked up three flights of stairs to Alex’s apartment. The building didn’t have an elevator.

  “It was all I could afford,” Alex explained, not bothered about the cramped living conditions. She’d found somewhere she could live alone, in New York, which she knew was huge. She didn’t want to be living with strangers. She’d be talking with Ashley every night anyway, so she wouldn’t feel lonely.

  “It just needs a good cleaning, that’s all.” Jackie smiled brightly. “And we’re here to help.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  Alex began unpacking what few belongings she’d brought with her as Jackie commenced cleaning the apartment with the various products she’d bought back in Woodsdale. She bleached the toilet and the sink, and vacuumed the wood floors and the pull-down mattress before turning her attention to the window. If her daughter had to live somewhere so small and shabby, at least it would be clean, she told herself as she scrubbed furiously.

  Andy helped his sister unpack, lifting heavier items for her like her duffel bag and boxes filled with books.

  “You’ve got an iPad!” he exclaimed as he delved into one of the boxes, retrieving the electronic device and looking at it admiringly.

  “Yeah, Ashley bought it for me so we could talk each night,” Alex explained.

  “Must be nice to have rich friends.” Andy raised his eyebrows.

  “Is it expensive?” Jackie asked suddenly, homing in on their conversation.

  “No,” Alex answered while at the same time her brother said the opposite.

  “Well, which is it?” Jackie demanded.

  “They cost a couple hundred bucks,” Andy told her.

  “Alex, you can’t keep something so expensive here,” Jackie said, lowering her voice as if potential thieves were already listening in on them. “It’s not safe.”

  “I’ll keep it with me,” Alex explained, having already decided not to leave anything of value in the apartment while she was at work. Her eyes involuntarily glided over to the front door that was currently secured by a deadbolt and a chain.

  “We’ll fit another dead bolt before we go,” Jackie said, her eyes looking in the same direction. “Won’t we, Andy?”

  “Yeah, sure.” Andy shrugged. “While you’re at it, why not get yourself a gun?” He made the comment flippantly and then continued unpacking, not noticing how his words made both his mother and sister freeze in terror.

  “We don’t use guns in this family,” Jackie said after a long pause, her voice pinched.

  “Jeez, Mom.” Andy sighed dramatically, retaining the petulance of his teenage years. “I didn’t mean anything by it! I mean, he’s been dead ten years. When are you going to let stuff go! If Alex got a gun, she’d be safer than if she didn’t have one!” Andy said angrily, his hands bunching in fists by his sides.

  Jackie looked at him, her chin quivering.

  “Andy, why don’t you go grab me that new deadbolt?” Alex suggested carefully. “I spotted a hardware store just down the block.”

  Andy looked intently at his sister, understanding that she was trying to remove him to alleviate the tension. He resisted for a moment and then sighed, not having the energy to argue with them.

  “Okay, I’ll be back in ten.” He pulled open the apartment door and disappeared down the communal stairwell.

  Jackie remained troubled, her eyes beginning to water.

  “Mom, he doesn’t mean anything by it,” Alex told her gently as she found within her box the framed picture of her father.

  “He just doesn’t remember it all as well as we do,” Alex concluded, placing the photograph by her window, her father’s beaming image looking in on her small apartment, watching over her.

  “That’s just it,” Jackie said despondently. “He’s starting to forget. And that’s the worst part.”

  Alex didn’t like to say it, but she knew that Andy’s fading memories weren’t the worst part. The worst part was that now both children had left home, leaving Jackie alone with nothing but her own memories of the past to haunt her. Andy was college bound, and Alex would now be living in a big city far away.

  As much as Alex wanted to stay in Woodsdale, to be there for her mother, she knew it wouldn’t be fair. She wouldn’t be honoring her father that way. He’d have wanted her to get out and live her life, explore the world as much as she possibly could.

  “You know, you can call me on this,” Alex said lightly, showing her Mom the iPad.

  “I wouldn’t know how,” Jackie said dismissively.

  “But you could learn. The computers at the library in Woodsdale are free to use. You could call me for free on them whenever you wanted, and you’d get to see me too.”

  “Really? All on that?” Jackie looked uncertainly at the small plastic rectangle in Alex’s hand.

  “Yeah, it’s really simple. I can show you. You could talk to Andy at college through the Internet too.”

  “Your father would have loved that.” Jackie gave a bittersweet smile. “He’d have rushed out and bought us all one.”

  “Yeah.” Alex placed the iPad inside her now unpacked Chanel bag, determined to keep it with her at all times. It was to be her lifeline to her family and friends. Since returning from Europe, she was already missing Ashley, wishing that they were still living together and sharing their experiences instead having them on different sides of America.

  “Has Ashley settled in to her new job?” Jackie asked.

  “Yeah, you know Ashley, everyone loves her.” Alex smiled sadly. She envied Ashley’s natural confidence; people were always drawn to her. Alex worried that it wouldn’t be so easy for her to make new friends when she started work on Monday. The prospect of starting a new job was becoming increasingly daunting.

  “You’ll do fine at work,” Jackie said, sensing the root of Alex’s unease. “You’re a hard worker; that will serve you well.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  “What about Oscar? Is he still in the hospital?”

  “I… I don’t know,” Alex admitted shamefully. “I tried calling him when I got back, but he hasn’t returned my calls, which is to be expected.”

  “He’s got a lot to deal with,” Jackie said softly. “I’m sure he’ll be in touch when he’s feeling better.”

  “Yeah,” Alex agreed, but she wasn’t sure. She knew how stubborn Oscar could be, and she was beginning to fear that he may be so bitter that he would freeze her out for the rest of his life, and that pained her, as she knew she’d miss him. Being somewhere new, making a new start terrified Alex to the point where she desperately wanted to cling to remnants of her past, to find comfort in those she already knew.

  The door to the apartment creaked open, and Andy re-entered brandishing two new deadbolts and a rape alarm, which he tossed across to Alex.

  “Put that on your keys,” he ordered her.

  Alex looked at it and smiled. “I will, thanks, Andy.”

  “And if a guy starts anything, kick him in the nuts and run,” Andy told her, his face serious.

  “Okay, got it.”

  “I’m not having no sister of mine attacked!” Andy declared before busying himself with attaching the new locks to the door to ensure maximum security.

  “You sure you’re going to be okay here?” Jackie asked cautiously. Andy’s mention of attacks was making her even more nervous about the whole situation.


  “Mom, I’m going to be fine,” Alex reassured her. She wanted to point out that nowhere was ever really safe. That her father had been gunned down in the small town of Woodsdale meant nowhere was what it seemed, but she didn’t. Jackie was clearly oversensitive about her leaving and reacting badly to any comments which could be associated with Alex’s father.

  “I’ll learn how to call you on that… thing.” Jackie gestured towards where the iPad had been.

  “Mom’s going online?” Andy laughed as he screwed in the first deadbolt. “No way, that’s amazing! Next she’ll be online dating.” He smirked at Alex, and she returned his smile.

  “Oh no, none of that,” Jackie said quickly. She knew that she would never move on, the pain she’d felt when she lost her husband had run too deep to ever heal. Watching her children grow up and flourish would have to provide all the happiness she’d ever need.

  A heated debate on the sidewalk below carried up to the apartment even though the window was closed. A man and a woman were screaming at each other as they walked past. Jackie looked down in disapproval and then glanced pityingly at Alex.

  “It’s a colorful neighborhood.” Alex shrugged.

  “It’s dangerous is what it is,” Jackie said, her cool demeanor of acceptance cracking. She was terrified at the thought of Alex living alone in the city; her mind kept conjuring a multitude of horrible things that could happen to her. The thoughts kept her awake at night, refusing to let her rest.

  “No more dangerous than a trailer park,” Andy quipped as he finished the second deadbolt.

  “The park is fine,” Jackie said stubbornly.

  “Yeah, if you like living next to drug dealers.”

  “Andy—” Jackie began tersely, but he cut her off.

  “The point I’m making, Mom, is that Alex will be fine looking out for herself because she’s already been doing it for so long. We’ve had to toughen up a hell of lot growing up, but that will help her now. You really don’t have to stress yourself stupid.”