Living with Love (Lessons in Love)

by Clarissa Carlyle

  Suddenly, the realisation of what had happened began to settle in, and Alex felt her hands start to shake. She knew she was going into shock, and she was alone, in the dark. Terrified, she ran as fast as she could to her apartment building, not knowing where else to go.

  ****

  “Poor girl. You must have been terrified,” Mrs. Williams, the wife of the maintenance man of the building, said sympathetically as she made Alex a cup of hot chocolate.

  Alex was sitting in his apartment, which was conveniently located on the ground floor of the building, meaning that Joseph Williams was available as and when issues cropped up around the place.

  He’d opened his door to find her shaking like a leaf, her skin deathly pale. As she relayed what had happened, he’d looked saddened and mumbled about how it wasn’t the first time he’d heard such a tale.

  Mrs. Williams had gone into mothering overload, insisting Alex come inside and wait there until the cops arrived. She handed Alex a mug of hot chocolate, stating it would make her feel better.

  “He just came out of nowhere,” Alex explained, remembering the sickening moment when she’d felt the gun upon the back of her head.

  “Probably followed you off the subway,” Mr. Williams said angrily. “Thieving scum. What sort of man preys on a young woman alone?”

  “The worst kind,” Mrs. Williams said, equally as angry as her husband at the injustice which had occurred just outside their apartment.

  “Have you got family close?” she asked Alex, looking at her with old, concerned eyes.

  Alex shook her head and blew into the mug.

  “Anyone you want to call?” Mrs. Williams suggested kindly. Alex thought about calling her mother but decided against it. She’d only be scared by what had happened, and Alex didn’t want to stress her out unnecessarily. She wanted to call Ashley but would feel bad about making a long-distance call from their apartment. She’d wait to phone her until she was at the police station. She’d lost all methods of communication: her iPad, cell phone, even her apartment keys.

  “We’ll change the locks, don’t you worry,” Mrs. Williams had said soothingly.

  “Have to bill you for it, though,” Mr. Williams added apologetically.

  Alex understood, already feeling foolish not to have been more self-aware when walking around the city at night. Her valuables should have been on her person, not in a designer handbag that could easily be snatched away. She thought of her rape alarm attached to her keys in her bag, which was now being emptied out in some dingy apartment by her thief. Some use that had been.

  It pained Alex to admit that Andy had been right to warn her against wearing her Chanel handbag, and she had no doubt that he’d be quick to point that out to her.

  “It could have been much worse,” Mrs. Williams stated knowingly.

  “Yeah,” Alex agreed, also knowing only too well the pain of losing someone in a gun crime.

  “You’re lucky he didn’t hurt you,” Mrs. Williams continued. “You can buy things back, but you can’t return a life.”

  ****

  When Alex explained to Jeff the following morning what had happened, he was outraged. After his initial tirade about the state of mankind, he then insisted on taking Alex to the nearest Apple store and buying and insuring for her a brand new iPad and iPhone on the company credit card.

  “Are you sure this is okay?” Alex had asked uneasily as he handed them to her.

  “It’s fine. Most members of the staff get theirs after their probation, but I’m happy for you to get them early. You’ve already more than earned your stripes.”

  “Thank you so much.”

  “Of course, it does mean that now you’ll be expected to work from home from time to time.”

  “That’s not a problem.”

  “Because from now on, no more late nights for you. I want you going home in daylight!” Jeff said protectively.

  “Thanks, Jeff, I appreciate you looking out for me.” Alex nodded in gratitude.

  “No problem. You’re a hard worker, and I take care of those who put the work in, remember that.”

  ****

  That night, back in her apartment, secure behind new locks, Alex took out her new iPad and made her long overdue call to Ashley on the other side of America.

  “And where exactly have you been?” Ashley demanded in greeting as she appeared on the screen, sitting inside her father’s mansion at the kitchen table, surrounded by papers and folders.

  “Are you actually working?” Alex asked, surprised. She was more used to seeing Ashley lounging by the pool or having a manicure when she called.

  “Yes, I’m working. Don’t sound so shocked!” Ashley laughed.

  Then the conversation became more serious when Alex explained about being mugged and losing her Chanel bag. Talking about the incident brought an onset of delayed emotion, and suddenly she was weeping, wishing her friend wasn’t thousands of miles away but right beside her so she could hug her and reassure her that everything would be fine.

  “Oh my God, Alex, I’m so sorry,” Ashley told her, looking distressed by the news.

  “I’m sorry I let him take the bag!” Alex sobbed.

  “Don’t be ridiculous! The most important thing is that you’re okay. Besides, you’ll soon be doing well enough to buy yourself a new one.”

  “Mmm,” Alex mumbled uncertainly, wiping her eyes.

  “Seriously, though, are you okay?” Ashley asked, looking into the small camera with concern.

  “Yeah, I think so.” Alex nodded.

  “Like, did it bring up stuff about your dad?”

  “A bit.” Alex shrugged. “But I’m trying not to dwell on it, to focus instead on the future.”

  “That’s good. Speaking of the future, you should know that I’m kind of dating Ricardo.”

  “Italian Ricardo?” Alex asked.

  “Yeah.” Ashley blushed. “We’re just talking online, but it’s getting serious. He’s saving to come over.”

  “Waiter Ricardo?” Alex continued teasingly.

  “Don’t start!” Ashley smiled. “Just because you were mugged at gunpoint does not mean you get to tease me!”

  “I thought he wasn’t anything serious, not boyfriend material,” Alex continued, laughing.

  “Oi!”

  “What changed your mind? Is he some sort of Italian stallion?”

  Ashley turned even brighter red, and both girls erupted into fits of laughter. It was exactly the sort of distraction and release Alex needed after such a stressful few days in the city.

  ****

  Over the next few weeks Alex began to seamlessly integrate into city life. She no longer walked around listening to music. Instead she kept her focus clear. Her valuables were nestled within a plain brown satchel, which she kept clutched tightly to her side at all times. Her iPhone and keys were housed in her pocket, always remaining on her person. Alex was determined to never again be caught out by a thief.

  She considered going to a self-defense class.

  “You totally do that!” Andy encouraged one night during a phone call. Since she had been robbed, he had taken to calling her once a week to check on how she was doing, which given how busy he was with his own college life, she really appreciated.

  “Loads of girls here have learnt self-defense,” he continued. “I think it would be useful to know, especially since you walk around on your own a lot.”

  “I don’t know,” Alex answered with uncertainty. The thought of hurling a man over her shoulder didn’t sound appealing, nor did the prospect of being charged with assault if things went too far.

  She was sitting in her small apartment having a Skype call with Andy. He was in his dorm room, which looked completely chaotic. The floor was barely visible beneath the carpet of clothes strewn about. On the walls there were posters of scantily clad girls and bands Alex had never heard of.

  Throughout their conversation some of his friends would filter in, always brandishing a beer, and
they would look over his shoulder at Alex sitting in her apartment and make some lewd comment.

  “Hey, that’s my sister!” Andy would always roar defensively. He was growing into a man, becoming her protector. She no longer felt that she had to look after him. The tables had been turned, and now he was checking in on her, making sure she was okay.

  “I did buy a new rape alarm,” Alex told him when the dorm room had quietened down.

  “Good idea.” Andy nodded in approval, making Alex notice how his movements were slightly slow and drawn out. Clearly, he was already slightly drunk.

  “You going out tonight?”

  “Probably.” Andy shrugged, but given he was wearing one of his favorite polo shirts and cargo pants, Alex was fairly certain that he would be off once their call had concluded.

  “Well, have fun.” Alex smiled. She wanted to warn him to behave, to not drink too much, to be respectful to girls, but she liked their new dynamic, where she was the one being looked after.

  “I’ll call you next week, yeah?” Andy’s drunken haze fell away briefly to reveal his concerned face.

  “I look forward to it.” Alex smiled. As she and Andy grew older, they were becoming closer, learning to tolerate one another’s differences. Being out of the trailer was a big help too. It was much easier to get along with someone when you weren’t literally living on top of them.

  Alex signed off the call, and the screen went blank. Andy was gone, eagerly heading out to some fraternity party, and Alex felt a hollow sadness within her. She missed her own carefree partying days. What saddened her was that she knew she could never get them back. Time had marched on in its inevitable surge forward, forcing her into adulthood, pulling her away from the fun frivolity of college. She thought of Andy off having fun, and she envied him and hoped he knew how precious the next few years would be.

  ****

  Stepping out of Starbucks, clutching her steaming hot latte, Alex strode confidently down the sidewalk, heading to the building where she worked, when she suddenly caught a glimpse of her reflection in a shop window, and she had to pause to do a double take.

  She no longer recognized the professional, confident young woman looking back at her. Gone were the jeans and hooded sweaters of Princeton. Alex was wearing a black pencil skirt she’d bought in a sale, coupled with a grey sweater beneath which was a bright pink shirt to offer a shock of color to her outfit. On her feet she had black ballet pumps, a practical but attractive choice. Her coat was currently open as she’d warmed up during her commute. It was a long black coat, another sale purchase. Her blonde hair was held up atop her head in a neat bun. She looked smart and well put together. Watching herself, she realized how she now blended in with all the other immaculate commuters. Alex no longer looked like an outsider. She resembled a young professional who belonged in the city.

  It was unnerving to see the change in herself. But she liked it. She looked like the person she was trying to be: someone smart and successful. She almost laughed aloud at the absurdity of it all. That a year ago she’d been in her Princeton sweater, wearing sweat pants and poring over books, but now she was in New York, living her dream.

  But Oscar would be unimpressed. The thought soured her good mood, and she looked away from the window and continued to walk along the street, but her pace had slowed. Oscar would look at her new, smart appearance and scoff. He’d tell her that she was just another monkey in a suit, dancing to the beat of someone else’s drum.

  Thinking about him made her body feel heavy with guilt. She’d not heard from him for so long, he had clearly cast her out for good. She hoped he was doing well, that he was better, but each time she reached for her phone with the intention of calling him, she thought better of it, or rather, she chickened out.

  She knew that she needed to move on with her life, particularly her love life.

  “I can’t believe a beauty like you hasn’t been snapped up!” Jeff would regularly comment whenever he asked Alex for an update about her love life.

  There had been offers. Some guys at the office had asked her out for drinks, so had a young guy she’d locked eyes with on her commute, but she always refused. Something was holding her back from meeting them, from going on dates. She thought it was Oscar but realized it wasn’t. It was the other man in her past, the one she kept trying to run from but couldn’t. It was Mark.

  Whenever Alex thought of Mark she grew angry with herself. She was convinced that they had no future, despite what his letter may have said. He lived in Woodsdale, the town Alex had fought so hard to leave. What kind of future awaited them if they did rekindle their relationship? She was hardly going to give up her dream job in the city to return to her tiny hometown. And long distance rarely ever worked out.

  Ashley was currently feeling the sting of a long-distance relationship. She spoke to Ricardo regularly, but she felt it wasn’t enough.

  “I just want to hold him,” she’d sigh sadly to Alex during their nightly call. “I can see him, he’s right there on the screen, but we can’t kiss or anything. It’s like a weird form of torture.”

  “Isn’t he coming over soon?”

  “Once he’s saved up enough money for air fare. He won’t let me pay for him, he’s too proud. I keep insisting that I’ll fly him over, but he won’t have it!”

  “It’s noble that he wants to do it himself,” Alex complimented.

  “Noble isn’t kissing me, noble isn’t holding me close.” Ashley pouted in dismay. Then she sighed and shook her head, smiling to herself. “He’s a good guy, Alex, I see that, one of the few. He wants to do things by his own efforts, and I totally respect that.”

  Alex smiled, understanding how Ashley felt. Respect was such a key ingredient in any relationship. If you didn’t respect the one you were with, how could you ever stay with them long term?

  “You met any cute guys in the city yet?” Ashley asked mischievously, deflecting the topic of conversation back onto her friend.

  “Nope.” Alex would shake her head and pretend to look disappointed.

  “Alex, you’re ruining my fantasies about New York!” Ashley would declare, visibly dismayed. “I wanted to imagine you constantly running into handsome mystery men who want to take you on dates to swanky bars and new restaurants.”

  “Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m always working.”

  “You’re lame!” Ashley joked.

  “I know.”

  ****

  Continuing to walk towards work, Alex tried to distract her mind from Mark. She often tortured herself imagining what he was doing, or who he was seeing. Despite what his letter said, she imagined he had a girlfriend now, maybe something even more serious. It had been years since they’d last seen one another. As romantic a notion it was to believe that a flame still existed between them, the harsh reality was that if they met in person, the small flicker would instantly be quashed. It was the myth which held her to him, she consoled herself, the myth of what could have been, of the one that got away. Maybe if she actually saw him, she could finally break that spell and move on with her life.

  She was planning to spend Christmas in Woodsdale with her mom and Andy. She was determined to seek Mark out during that time. She needed the closure.

  “Penny for your thoughts,” Jeff said as Alex dreamily entered the elevator, not even noticing that her boss was standing right beside her.

  “They’re worth much more than that.” Alex smiled, taking a sip of her latte.

  “You’re going to need that coffee.” Jeff glanced at the cup she was holding. “It’s going to be a long day, I’m afraid.”

  Jeff hadn’t been exaggerating. It was close to eight in the evening when Alex finally completed her final assignment of the day. Again, it was the end-of-month surge and suddenly twice the workload of normal.

  But since her mugging, Alex wasn’t expected to use the subway when she worked late. Instead, the company reimbursed her cab fare home. Small gestures like that made her feel appreciated by
Goldstone. They didn’t take her for granted and went to great lengths to express that.

  “It’s a good company to work for,” Alex told her mother. “There’s even talk of maybe getting a raise.”

  There had been talks for weeks of Alex getting a raise, and soon her probationary period would be up, and negotiations over her salary would be entered into, but she didn’t want to get her hopes up. If she could afford to live in a nicer part of the city, then she’d be happy enough.

  “I’m glad they’re looking after you,” Jackie said, but Alex couldn’t see her. Her mother couldn’t get her head around Skype despite both of her children giving her a tutorial, so instead she called the old-fashioned way.

  “And are you okay, Mom?” Alex asked, concerned. She didn’t like to picture her mother alone in her trailer. It was such a sad scene to imagine.

  “I’m fine, sweetheart. What matters to me is that you’re okay.”

  “I’m fine, Mom,” Alex said fondly. Her mother, now alone back in Woodsdale, had worked so hard to ensure a decent future for her children, and she’d had to give up so much in the process.

  The beautiful family home they’d once lived in felt like a distant memory from another lifetime, as if it had been in a dream once, a dream that lingered long past the point of waking up.

  “I’m very proud of you, Alexandra. Don’t forget that,” Jackie said softly into the phone. And she was. As she sat in her small trailer, talking to her daughter in New York City, Jackie Heron felt happy and at peace. For her, it had all been worth it. Working two jobs to make ends meet, never being home, being forced to live in a trailer and give up all her worldly goods, all that had come good because her children were doing well, and that was all that she cared about.

  ****

  Alex signed off another call to her mother with a heavy heart. With the call concluded, she went and stood in the window of her apartment, looking at the street beyond.