Vanished

by E. E. Cooper

  “I’m serious too. You were her friend, but that doesn’t make saving her, or anyone else for that matter, your job. What about her other friend, Beth? Where’s she gone? Why didn’t she save her? They’ve known each other since birth or something.”

  At least one of those was a good question. “No one knows where Beth is. I’ve called her like a thousand times and she never picks up. I sent her a text after Brit died, telling her we had to talk, that it was an emergency, and still nothing.”

  “That sucks too,” he said.

  Even though that was exactly what I thought, I felt the absurd need to defend Beth. “She doesn’t suck; she’s just checked out. I’m sure she’d call back if she realized what had happened.”

  Nadir wasn’t having it. “I don’t care what her excuse is. She’s hurting my sister.”

  “What if she can’t call for some reason?” I whispered into the phone.

  “What kind of reason?”

  I wound Roogs’s tail around my finger. “I don’t know. Maybe she was abducted or something.”

  “What I’m about to say is going to piss you off, but hear me out first.”

  No good conversation starts with that opener. “I’m listening,” I said.

  “You have a tendency for drama.”

  “I do not,” I fired back.

  “You said not even two seconds ago that you were going to listen. I knew I should have asked for it in writing.”

  I took a deep breath. “Sorry. Go on.”

  “All I’m saying is that you lean toward the dramatic. You’re a one-woman worst-case scenario show. In my programming class when we’re trying to figure out a bug with the software, our teacher always tells us, ‘When you hear hoofbeats, look for horses, not zebras.’”

  I paused, waiting to hear if he was going to spout any other wisdom. “And your point is?”

  “The point is, don’t make a conspiracy theory out of thin air. If it looks like she ran away, most likely she ran away. People do that. It happens. It doesn’t mean kidnappers or aliens or murderers are involved. Mom said Beth’s parents aren’t even all that worried. They expected this. If they’re not concerned, why should you be?”

  “Because I love her,” I said.

  Nadir was quiet. I could feel the silence stretching between us.

  “Oh, Kay-Kay.” His voice was heavy. “I’m sorry.”

  The sadness swelled in my throat, making it almost impossible to speak. “Why are you sorry?”

  “Getting your heart stepped on is never easy.”

  “What do I do?”

  “If you start turning to me for romantic advice, you’re in deep shit. What I can tell you, from painful personal experience, is that if you love someone and they don’t love you back, you have to walk away. Love isn’t something you can talk the other person into.”

  I sighed. I hate when he’s right. I knew I had to let go of Beth, but I didn’t want to. “Maybe she does suck,” I mumbled.

  I did blame Beth. Not for Brit’s death, but for leaving us both. She should have been here. She should have called me. She owed me that much, even if she didn’t love me. Now that Britney was gone, it wasn’t right that Beth was leaving me alone to deal with it.

  “Look, Kalah, it might seem easy to blame yourself for what Brit did, but you can’t do that. And you can’t make Beth feel what you want her to feel. People make their own choices. If you want to blame yourself for something, then feel bad about breaking my Xbox, not this.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Jesus, you’re still upset about that? I was eight.” The pressure on my chest felt lighter. Nadir would have told me if he thought I’d wronged Brit.

  “Do you know how many lawns I mowed to earn the money for that?” Nadir sounded indignant.

  I scoffed. “You never mowed lawns. With your allergies it’s a wonder you don’t combust as soon as you go outside. Mom and Dad bought it for Christmas.” I pulled my blanket up over me. I felt like I might actually be able to sleep tonight.

  “The point is, I would have mowed lawns to buy it. I loved it and you broke it.”

  “Does it make it better if I tell you I’ll feel bad about it for the rest of my life?” I yawned.

  “A bit. You sound beat; I’ll let you go. I’ve got to study anyway. I’m going to tell Mom and Dad you’re okay. Do your best to be normal, or what passes as normal for you, so you don’t make a liar out of me.”

  “I’ll talk to you later.” I curled around Roogs. “Hey,” I called out before he hung up. “Thanks for calling.”

  “Anytime, Kay-Kay. You know you’re my favorite sister.”

  “I’m your only sister.”

  “True.” Nadir’s voice softened. “Take care.”

  We hung up. I felt exhausted. My brain, which had been racing for days, seemed to have finally worn itself out.

  I clicked off the light and typed one more text.

  Britney died. Please come back. I didn’t want to tell you like this. Sorry.

  It went without saying that I wouldn’t have had to tell her that way if she’d left me any other options.

  I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  I’d only been to see Ms. Harding, the guidance counselor, once before, to talk about my possible college plans. I suspected she knew, though, about my history with mental health professionals. It seemed the kind of thing that would make your permanent record. Maybe a red dot on the file, indicating the potential for trouble and emotional liability. I’d managed to avoid the meeting with her yesterday, but this morning there was a note waiting for me in homeroom. I wasn’t going to be able to dodge it forever.

  I slipped down the hall toward the guidance office, feeling people’s eyes crawling all over me like insects. Jason hadn’t come into school today. I couldn’t blame him. There’d been three news reporters and two television cameras in the parking lot this morning. At least Hamstead had barred them from entering the school.

  When I came around the corner I saw her. Sara stood by her locker, surrounded by her fellow band members, nodding at something one of them was saying. I felt a hot rush of anger. Why should she get to be surrounded by friends when, because of her, one of my two best friends was dead? I wanted to shove her against the wall and spit in her face.

  Sara must have felt my rage pulsing toward her, because she turned. When she saw me, her mouth dropped open and she quickly looked away. I thought about marching over and confronting her, screaming in her face, despite my promise to Jason. My anger was like a creature inside me, scratching and howling to be set free. If I let it out, I wasn’t sure what might happen.

  I closed my eyes so I couldn’t see her anymore. When I opened them a few seconds later, she and her friends were gone. I realized the note telling me to go to Ms. Harding’s office was clutched tight in my hand, the black ink smeared on my skin. I tossed the paper in the trash.

  Ms. Harding’s office was decorated to look like it was in her house instead of part of the school. She’d gotten rid of the industrial metal desk and replaced it with a wooden table. There was a cheap Oriental rug on the floor, but you could still see the linoleum tile around the edges of the room. The shelves were filled with books and knickknacks.

  Ms. Harding gestured for me to take a seat. I dropped into the nearest chair, trying to ignore Officer Siegel’s intense gaze. She was unapologetically watching my every move, like she was assigning a meaning to everything I did. I wondered if I should ask to have a lawyer in the room, or if that would make me look guilty of something. Granted, I was guilty of a lot.

  “How are you doing?” Ms. Harding asked, her eyebrows scrunched together in concern. Officer Siegel was leaning against the bookcase with her arms crossed. I didn’t want to look at her because she made me nervous, but I also didn’t want it to look like I was trying to avoid her, so I kept shooting glances over at her and smiling. Except my mouth wouldn’t cooperate and make a normal smile. I probably looked like a twitchy clown.
/>
  “I’m doing okay.” I gave Officer Siegel another one of my killer clown smiles. “I mean, considering.” I reminded myself that this wasn’t a formal investigation. Not realizing your friend is suicidal isn’t a crime. It made me a crappy friend, but it wasn’t like Officer Siegel was going to read me my rights, march me out of there, and toss me into prison.

  “If you need to talk at any time, feel free to come straight here. I’ve cleared it with your teachers that you don’t require any kind of pass.” Ms. Harding reached into a folder on her desk and pulled out a brochure, which she slid across the table at me. “This is the contact information for the local crisis center, in case you feel upset outside of school hours.”

  I must have looked worse than I thought if she was worried I might not make it through the night without having someone to talk me off the ledge. “I don’t have any thoughts of that,” I reassured her.

  “Of suicide?” Officer Siegel asked. Both Ms. Harding and I winced at her directness. “Did you know Britney was thinking of ending her life?”

  “No.” I could feel the sweat pooling at the base of my back. Maybe I should have known about Brit, but I hadn’t. I’d been too focused on Beth.

  Officer Siegel nodded, like she’d known that all along. “What was your reaction to the rumors going around that day? Were you surprised to hear why she and Jason were breaking up?”

  “I didn’t really know much about it.” I glanced over at Ms. Harding to avoid Officer Siegel’s eyes. “Brit was really private about some stuff.” I wasn’t sure why I’d lied, but I didn’t know how to take it back once I’d said it. Keeping Brit’s secrets just seemed like the right thing to do.

  Officer Siegel rubbed her chin. “That’s odd that you didn’t know. From what I’ve heard, everyone at school was talking about it. How Britney believed Beth was sleeping with Jason.”

  “I don’t listen to rumors.” I hated how my voice came out sounding prissy.

  “Not even when they’re about your best friends?” Officer Siegel smiled and I hated her. “She and Beth are your best friends, aren’t they? Beth must be really upset about Britney’s death.”

  It felt like the room had gotten about twenty degrees hotter. I shifted in my seat. “I don’t know what she thinks. Beth isn’t around.”

  “Has she been in touch with you?” Officer Siegel pressed.

  “No,” I admitted. “Just one text a few days after she left. Saying she needed some time off.”

  “Huh. That’s odd too, isn’t it?”

  “What’s odd?” Ms. Harding asked.

  Officer Siegel cocked her head like she wanted to see the situation from a new perspective and spoke to me as if Ms. Harding wasn’t even in the room. “It seems odd that Beth hasn’t been in touch, or told you where she went. It seems odd that Britney didn’t tell you her suspicions about Jason and Beth when she was so upset that she felt driven to suicide.” She chuckled, but it sounded forced. “Heck, when I was your age my friends and I never shut up. We’d talk for hours. My dad used to say that the phone was connected to my head. It seemed like there wasn’t a single thing I didn’t know about their lives. I guess friendships are different now, huh?”

  I shrugged, refusing to take the bait. “I guess.” I couldn’t even imagine Officer Siegel in high school. She looked like she’d been born in that uniform and holster.

  “Beth and Britney were a year ahead of you, is that right?” She waited for me to nod, even though we both understood she already knew the answer. “When I was in high school you practically had to pay a senior to hang out with someone younger. Course, that didn’t keep some from hanging around, like groupies.”

  My back stiffened. Were cops allowed to keep sticking your face in it? “I wasn’t their groupie. We were friends.” Even to my ears, the claim sounded pathetic, like I was really trying to convince myself.

  “Were? Aren’t you still friends with Beth? Or did something happen between you two? Maybe a reason she left her two besties behind?”

  If she was trying to upset me, it was working. “Of course Beth is still my friend. I just meant we were all friends. I don’t know why Beth left. She used to talk about it all the time. Her home life wasn’t great.”

  Officer Siegel nodded. “Sure.”

  I pressed my lips together. There wasn’t any point in arguing with her about it. She was going to twist anything I said.

  “If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t heard from Beth either,” Officer Siegel said. “I’ve left her a bunch of voice mails, but it seems she has her phone off. She sent a handful of texts those first few days after she left, telling people she didn’t want to be contacted, but since then, nothing. Her parents asked the phone company to track her phone, but she’d taken the SIM card out. There’s not much else her parents can do since she’s eighteen. If she wants to disappear, she can.” Officer Siegel inspected her nails as if the conversation was starting to bore her.

  “Do you think she’s okay?” I asked.

  “Do you?”

  I wanted to throw something at her face. “I don’t know. I told you I haven’t been in touch with her.”

  Officer Siegel brushed her hands on her pants. “Well, I don’t know how she’s doing exactly, but she’s used her ATM card a few times, so she can’t be doing all bad. She logged into a couple of her online accounts from a library in Cadillac. She also registered for a night in a hotel, just outside of Charlevoix. She paid cash. I drove up and talked to the clerk, but he doesn’t really remember her very well. She didn’t look distressed to him.” The officer paused. “He couldn’t remember if she had anyone with her. Of course, if there was another person, he or she might have been waiting outside. Maybe the person who gave her all that money.”

  I jolted. “What money?”

  Officer Siegel seemed to be watching for my reaction. “She didn’t mention that either? The day after Beth left, she deposited almost ten thousand dollars into her bank account. Technically, it was nine thousand, nine hundred fifty. Just about the same amount, minus a few hundred, that Britney had withdrawn from her education savings account. How’s that for a coincidence? Course, it’s almost all gone by now.”

  I stared at her, blinking. Was she trying to tell me Beth had stolen from Britney? That Brit had paid Beth to leave? “I don’t know anything about that,” I said.

  “Guess Beth and Britney both had a few secrets, huh?”

  “I guess.” I realized I was tapping sixes with my foot. Officer Siegel was watching.

  “Anxiety?” she asked.

  “Just a habit.” I clenched my hands together to make sure my fingers didn’t start tapping, but I could feel the pressure inside starting to rise. I wanted out of there.

  “How would you describe your last interaction with Britney?” Officer Siegel asked, switching gears.

  I looked over at Ms. Harding for help. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

  Ms. Harding looked a bit nervous. “If you’re planning to ask these kind of questions, maybe I should contact Kalah’s parents.”

  Officer Siegel raised her hand to her chest as if shocked. “I didn’t mean for this to come across like some kind of interrogation. I guess I can’t help myself—habit of the job. There’s no formal investigation. Britney’s death has been declared a suicide. I’m just trying to get a better handle on why.”

  “I don’t know anything,” I said.

  “No guesses at all?”

  My tongue felt dry. “Things weren’t always as easy as they seemed for Brit. There was a lot of pressure from her family to be perfect. She went out of her way to seem flawless, but of course she was only human. But anything less than the appearance of perfection always felt like a huge failure to her.” I felt a little bad about shifting blame to Brit’s parents, but it was clear I had to tell Officer Siegel something if I wanted the questions to stop. “I’m sure all the rumors were devastating to her. She didn’t always want to talk about things, though. Not even with
her closest friends.”

  “So with all that Beth and Britney were keeping from you, did you keep secrets from them too?”

  I twitched. “People are allowed to have secrets,” I said. A trickle of sweat ran down my chest and into my bra. Maybe I shouldn’t have agreed to talk without a lawyer, but there was no way I could ask for one now.

  Officer Siegel pushed off from the wall and moved toward the door. “Of course. Everyone has a secret or two. I didn’t mean to upset you further. I’m sure all of this has been really difficult. I’m just making sure we have all the information we need. I wouldn’t want to overlook anything.”

  I wanted to shove her the rest of the way out the door. “I understand,” I said.

  Officer Siegel paused. “Of course, you know what they say about secrets. They never stay buried for long.”

  “That’s enough!” Ms. Harding had finally found her voice. She gave the officer a glare as if she’d only just realized a line had been crossed.

  Officer Siegel held her hands up like she didn’t mean any offense, but I could swear she smirked at me as she left.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  A week later, Britney’s parents had decided they wanted “closure” and would go ahead with a funeral, regardless of the fact that Brit’s body had not been found. Word spread quickly around school that Doctors Matson and Ryerson had hired party planners to arrange the memorial service. Technically, they were “event” planners, and the funeral was certainly shaping up to be an event, but still. The idea of it set my teeth on edge despite Zach’s gentle reminder that everyone mourns in their own way. They’d lost their daughter, their only child. However they wanted to say good-bye was up to them.

  At least Brit’s parents’ way of coping was better than how Beth was dealing with things. She hadn’t answered a single text. I assumed by now that she’d abandoned her phone, but unless her new residence was under a rock, it was hard to imagine she hadn’t at least seen the news reports.

  Not that I was coping any better. I’d sleepwalked through the days. I was there, but not present. Unlike the clusters of girls who kept bursting into tears in the hallways, I’d walked around school with a poker face. It wasn’t that I was in control of my emotions; it was that I felt half-dead.