In Search of Mr. Anonymous

by J B Glazer

  “Luce?” I stroke her hair and she turns toward me. “My cousin is getting married in Indiana next month. I wanted to see if you’d come with me.”

  “When is it?”

  “August twelfth.”

  I watch as she consults her calendar.

  “I’m free. I’d love to go with you.”

  “Really? You’re cool with meeting my family?”

  “Well, actually.”

  My face falls. I knew it was too soon.

  “Just kidding. I’m fine with it.”

  Yes! I pull her to me and show her my appreciation. Twice.

  It’s over a three hour drive to get to Indianapolis. I pick up Lucy after work on Friday afternoon and throw her bags in the trunk as she settles in my passenger seat. I watch her slender fingers as she pulls up a song on her iPod. Her nails are always painted the same shade of pale pink.

  “Do you want to listen to Hamilton?”

  “Sure. You’re becoming as obsessed as Trish.”

  We drive and she hums along. A new song comes on and she skips it.

  “Not that one,” she says. I noticed it’s the only song she skipped from the entire soundtrack.

  I tell Lucy about my family and how she’ll be meeting everyone except my brother, Sawyer.

  “What’s he like?” she asks.

  “We’re kind of opposites. He’s really driven and competitive. He works in investment banking, lives in an ultra-modern townhouse, wears designer clothes, you get the gist.”

  “Yep, totally like you. Do you guys look alike?”

  “Not really. He’s a lot darker than me. He takes after my dad and I take after my mom’s side.”

  I have her look through some of my photos so she can familiarize herself with my relatives. Not that I expect her to remember everyone she meets, but at least she might recognize some familiar faces.

  “Where’s Sawyer?”

  “I don’t have a picture of him. He’s not always able to attend our family get-togethers, what with his demanding schedule and all. I’ll have to introduce you. And I think you’d like his fiancée, Megan.”

  Megan is a sweetheart, which often makes me wonder what she’s doing with Sawyer. He’d better not fuck things up with her. He’s known to be a womanizer, but I’m hoping she’ll be the one to change him. So far it seems she has.

  We check into the hotel room and I bring in the bags.

  “Where’s my dress?” Lucy looks through the bags, panicked.

  “Don’t worry. I already hung it up in the closet. I figured you wouldn’t want it to get wrinkled.”

  She looks at me with a mixture of relief and awe. “How is it you know me so well?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know. I’m just observant, I guess.”

  And for the first time, she initiates things with me. The sex is fantastic. It always is. But I sense she’s holding back from me. I can’t explain it because I know she enjoys it, so I don’t mean it in the literal sense. But it’s as though she won’t give herself over to me completely. And I want her to. God, do I want her to.

  We relax then get ready for the rehearsal dinner. I introduce her to my parents and she’s very cordial. We chat during cocktail hour and Lucy tells them about her job. My mom is especially enamored when she finds out Lucy is planning the wedding between Veronica Clayton and Rob Ashford.

  “Frank, they’re like local celebrities!”

  My dad and I tune out and talk about sports instead. But I’m glad to see my mom likes Lucy—not that I was worried. We’re seated with my first cousins and Lucy seems at ease with them too. My cousin, Dominic, seems especially taken with her. He’s a big dude, but I can take him if necessary. I give Lucy a look as if to say, “You OK?” She nods so I don’t rescue her. Not that she’s in need of rescuing. I’m relieved things are going well with her meeting the fam and all that. I was nervous, not for me, but because Lucy can be shy around other people. I shouldn’t underestimate her. She’s holding her own.

  The next day we walk around Indianapolis. We decide to visit the Sun King Brewery followed by the Motor Speedway Museum. We end up spending more time than I realized at the Brewery, so we run short on time to visit the Speedway. Lucy feels bad because I was psyched to see it. I reassure her it’s fine and she almost falls over while attempting to give me a hug. She’s clearly a bit drunk.

  “You’re such a lightweight,” I tease.

  “Let’s head back to the hotel room. Get a nap in before we have to get ready.”

  She passes out right away. I let her sleep but I’m not tired, so I flip through the channels and watch the end of The Shawshank Redemption. Great movie—I’ve seen it countless times. Lucy is still out so I grab a shower and figure I’ll wake her after. But when I come out she’s already up.

  “Sleep well?”

  “Mmm hmm. I feel very refreshed.”

  “Good. I was about to wake you. I know you said you wanted to get ready by four.”

  Suddenly she’s standing directly behind me. Her hands go to the towel at my waist. I turn around and she unwraps it, letting it fall to the floor.

  “It looks like I’m not the only one who’s up.”

  I’m about to kiss her but she falls to her knees. She practically makes me fall to mine. Her warm mouth on my cock is heaven. But I want to be inside of her. After a few minutes I pull her up and cover her mouth with mine. I lead her to the bed and lie her down on her back.

  “James, don’t be gentle this time.”

  I’m shocked by her words. She’s the kind of girl a guy makes love to. I guess I never imagined her wanting sex to be down and dirty. So I’m careful to keep myself in check, even when there are times I want to fuck her senseless. Maybe she can tell I’m holding back too.

  “Turn over,” I instruct. “Get on your knees, ass in the air.” I rip open a condom with my teeth then enter her from behind. I pound into her, burying my cock deep inside of her. My hands cup her breasts then the sweet spot between her legs. I thrust into her over and over again, deeper and deeper, harder and harder. I’m relentless. The only sounds in the room are my grunts, her moans of pleasure, and skin slapping against skin as I fuck her. I fuck her hard until we both cry out.

  I ease out of her and turn her over. I look into her eyes, scared of what I’ll see. But she smiles at me and places a kiss on my lips. “I’m gonna go shower now.”

  All I can do is nod. She’s managed to surprise me. I’ve never particularly liked surprises, but this may change my mind.

  We get ready then head downstairs. The wedding is nice but I’m sure it’s nothing compared to some of the swanky affairs Lucy has planned. Afterward we mingle then head to our table. We’re sitting with my cousins again and some relatives on my dad’s side I don’t know as well. I watch Lucy as she chats with Dominic. She’s smiling at something he says. I’m glad to see them getting along so well. Normally I’d be jealous as hell. But the kid is twenty, and family at that. He’s no threat.

  “How’s it going?” My cousin, Kathryn, sidles up to me and grabs my beer.

  “Hey, you’re too young for that.”

  She rolls her eyes at me and takes a swig. “I’m practically twenty-one.”

  “In like three years.”

  “Whatever. I’ll be eighteen next week. Close enough.”

  “Next month,” I say, grabbing the bottle back from her. “And still well under the legal age. You know I’m a teacher. I can’t condone this sort of thing.”

  “Buzz kill. So who’s your date?” she asks, looking over to where Lucy and Dominic are talking.

  “That’s my girlfriend, Lucy.”

  “Girlfriend, huh? She’s pretty.”

  “I think so.”

  “Is it serious?”

  “I don’t know.”

  She looks at me with those inquisitive green eyes of hers.

  “You don’t know?”

  I shrug.

  “I know where my feelings stand. But Lucy…” I pause, searchi
ng for the right thing to say. “She’s kind of fragile. It’s complicated.” I search her out and our eyes meet across the room. She smiles at me and it’s as if someone sucker punches me in the gut. And by that I mean I’m fine one minute and the next I’m surprised and find it momentarily hard to breathe. Kathryn is watching me closely.

  “So what about you? Do you have a boyfriend?” I ask.

  “Don’t change the subject, James. How long have you been dating?”

  “About five months.”

  “Do you think she’s the one for you?”

  “I don’t know. I’d like her to be.”

  “But?”

  “There’s no ‘but.’”

  Fortunately I’m saved by my uncle Bill, who comes over to talk about the Michigan State versus Ohio game. He’s a huge Buckeye fan.

  “I’m not done with you yet,” Kathryn says before she walks away.

  I breathe a sigh of relief. That girl is intense. Lucy wanders over and I introduce her to Bill. She nods politely during the conversation but doesn’t say much. She’s quiet that way sometimes. I’d love to know the thoughts that fill her head. The DJ switches things up with a slow song and I take her hand and lead her onto the dance floor. We dance cheek-to-cheek, our bodies moving in perfect harmony. I pull away and look into her eyes. I hold her gaze until she blushes.

  “What?” she says.

  “Nothing. You look beautiful tonight. I mean, you always look beautiful. But today especially.”

  She seems embarrassed by my compliment. “Thanks. And you’re not so bad yourself,” she says, pulling on my tie. “About before,” she seems embarrassed.

  I jump in first.

  “I really liked it. A lot.”

  “Me too,” she says. “You don’t always have to be so gentle with me. Sometimes I like to mix things up.”

  Reading between the lines, I take that to mean she likes it rough. Who knew she had it in her?

  “I’m very happy to oblige.”

  She smiles and looks relieved.

  We resume our dance and I think about my conversation with Kathryn. I know Lucy is coming off a bad breakup. She warned me she wasn’t ready for something serious. But somehow I fell. I haven’t felt this way about someone in a long time. Damnit, I’m crazy about her. And I want to take the next step. I want her to move in with me. It makes sense. Her lease is up at the end of the year and I have plenty of space. I know I should broach the subject with her. Let’s face it, Lucy isn’t exactly an open book. Sometimes she needs prodding. Up until now I’ve been patient with her, not wanting to push. But I’m going fucking mad. So I probably need to push. At least that way I’ll know where things stand. Right now we’re in this place of ambiguity and it’s driving me insane. I’m just scared as hell she’ll give me an answer I don’t want to hear. I’ll admit it: I’m a coward. I know I need to man up and just ask her. At least then I’ll know if she’s mine to keep. Because right now it feels as though she’s on loan. And I want something permanent. The question is, does she?

  Chapter 27

  Lucy

  Things hit a turning point after James’s cousin’s wedding. It’s not because I met his family. I opened up to him about my desires. Sex with Mr. Anonymous was insanely good. I was wild and free and did things I never thought I was capable of doing, or wanting. Being intimate with him was different from all my previous experiences, and it made me discover things about myself. With James I’ve been more reserved. I thought that’s what he expected from me. But I’ve also been holding back. When I got tipsy it just came out. I admitted he doesn’t need to be so gentle with me. And I’m glad to say he obliged. I think he was surprised that I liked it rough. That’s not to say I don’t like it when he’s romantic and makes love to me. But sometimes I want to let go of my restraint and have passion take over. I want to be in the moment and so filled with lust that I lose all control. It’s the only time I’m willing to relinquish it.

  I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with James. Mainly, am I in love with him? The answer isn’t that simple. In my Psych 101 class I remember learning about the triangular theory of love. Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed there are three components of love: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Each relationship is based on different combinations of these three elements, with the most successful having at least two out of the three. I know the commitment is there, and we’re definitely intimate. Where I struggle is with passion. I think it could be there. I got a glimpse of it this weekend. But there’s something—or someone—that’s been holding me back. I know I haven’t fully given myself over to James. Put my trust in him, or myself for that matter, and just be free to surrender to my desires. The last time I totally gave myself over to someone backfired. And I’m scared to let it happen again.

  Do I think I could have all three with James? Yes. But I also didn’t choose to give myself over to Mr. Anonymous. He willingly took from me. And I let him. So I have to ask myself, why won’t I let James? And the answer is because he’s not him. He has everything going for him except that he’s not Mr. Anonymous.

  I know he never will be. So I need to let go of Mr. Anonymous if I ever want to have a relationship with anyone else.

  I call Melanie to tell her about my weekend with James.

  “I’m near your place,” she says. “Can I come up?”

  “Of course!”

  She knocks on my door a few minutes later.

  “What were you doing by me?”

  “I had lunch with Sydney and I was on my way back from dropping her off.”

  I fill her in on the wedding and meeting James’s family.

  “I can’t believe you met his family. That’s huge. I realize it was because of a wedding, but I’m happy for you.”

  “I want you to meet him.” I know I’ve already introduced him to Trish. But that was only because they just happened to be in the same place we were. This is different.

  “Lucy, I would love nothing more!”

  I let out a relieved breath. Not that I ever thought she’d say no. But now it’s out there. And this is a big step for me. Melanie knows it.

  “I’d love for you to meet Luke too,” she says. “We can make it a double-date.”

  “Can you believe in all the years we’ve been friends we’ve never been on a double date?”

  “I know. Crazy,” she agrees. “Although you don’t date much, and well, you know my track record.”

  “Sounds like things are changing. I assume things are going well with you guys.”

  “Amazing. Whatever doubt I had is gone. He’s confident, charming, charismatic, and passionate. He’s one of those guys who knows what he wants and goes for it. It’s sexy as hell. Hell, he’s sexy as hell. And very good in that department. Good doesn’t do him justice. He does this thing with his tongue—”

  “Eww. Don’t say any more.”

  She laughs. “Sorry, I’m just head over heels in love with him.”

  My eyes grow wide at her revelation. I didn’t know things between them were this serious. “Really? You never told me.”

  “I know. But you’ve been in such a fragile state that I didn’t want to say anything. And even though you’ve been with James you still seemed unsure. I didn’t want to talk about my relationship until I knew you felt secure with yours.”

  “Mel, you can always talk to me about what’s going on in your life.”

  “I know. But things are different this time. He’s different. I think he could be The One.”

  “Oh my God. How do you know?”

  “I haven’t felt this way about anyone before. You know me. I always have crushes. But this time I’ve fallen. Hard. And when I think about my future, I picture him in it.”

  “This is a huge step.”

  “For us both,” she says.

  “I’m so happy for you,” I say as I lay my hand over hers. Especially in light of her parents’ recent separation, I’m glad she still believes in love. Tears well up
in my eyes and I do my best to hold them back. But when I look at Melanie her eyes are moist as well.

  She pulls me in for a hug and for once I hold on tight.

  “I hope they like each other,” I mumble in her sleeve.

  “They will,” she says confidently.

  “How can you be so sure?”

  We have great taste.”

  We both laugh as I reach for a box of tissues.

  Melanie texts me she and Luke are running a few minutes late. We decide to order our drinks because a few minutes for Melanie is really equivalent to twenty. James hands me my cosmopolitan and we try to scout out seats. Unfortunately there are no empty booths, so we carve out a space at the bar. At least we’re facing the door so we’ll be able to spot them when they arrive. James gets a text message and shakes his head.

  “What?”

  “It’s from Sawyer. Something to do with Megan and he wants my advice.”

  “Everything OK?”

  “I hope so. He’s been acting weird these past few months. I’ll deal with it later.”

  He slides his phone back in his pocket then entertains me with a running commentary of the couples around us.

  “And them,” he nods his chin toward a couple on my right. “First date. It’s not going well. Those two women over there, scouting potential sugar daddies.” He looks around. “Three o’clock. This is their third date and he’s hoping to get lucky.”

  “Why do you think that?”

  “She’s on her third drink and he’s on his first.”

  “So.”

  “So, he wants to be able to perform.”

  I laugh and tell him he has great detective skills.

  “Those aren’t my only skills,” he says as he leans in close.

  “I know.” I whisper in his ear that he can show me his skills later. He smiles at me like I’ve made him the luckiest guy in the world, and I can’t help but smile back. In that moment, I feel truly happy. Somehow he’s managed to chip away at the armor I’ve built. James has been nothing but patient, kind, and understanding. He’s warm and funny and I know he would never do anything to hurt me. For so long I’ve been comparing him to someone else. Someone who willingly let me go. I realize now I need to let go of this fantasy lover if I want to hold onto something real with James. And I do. He gave me space when I needed it and never put pressure on me for something I wasn’t ready to give. But now I am. For the first time in a long time I’m open to letting love in—with James. It just took me time to realize it.