Stonehenge

by Lisa Graves

  “Well, in my memory, or dream… whatever it was…”

  “Yes?”

  “Well, I was wondering if you could answer a few questions. Some parts are fuzzy.”

  “Like what Miele?”

  I paused as I thought of what information I was missing that would be most relevant. “Have you figured out what you did differently than me?” I asked.

  He sighed and it sounded as though he was angry at himself. “No. And I’ve asked anyone and everyone. The only thing that seems to be agreed upon is it comes down to a choice.” His voice turned sad as he said choice and I couldn’t fathom why.

  “My choice?” I questioned. “I choose you.”

  Elliott’s smile returned and he nuzzled me into his chest.

  It took me a minute, but my mind picked up on something he’d said. “What do you mean by everyone?”

  “There are others.” The way he said it was as though it were obvious.

  “Meaning….” I asked.

  “We aren’t the first to stumble upon unlocking the mind’s power.”

  I thought for a moment. “How many others are there in Atlantis?”

  “It’s hard to say for certain. It is a peculiar place. The senses are so intense that it is difficult to focus on a broad range of things. Feelings are a lot more concentrated.”

  “Meaning?” I repeated.

  “I don’t know if I can put such a place into words. I know that you think the astral meadow is amazing, well, Atlantis is that multiplied. It’s euphoric to be in such a perfect place.”

  I thought about Elliott’s words as my fingers played with the grass.

  “Do you think I’ll make it?” I whispered the words, but he heard me. I was scared of what it would mean if I failed.

  “I hope so, mia amore. There is no point to forever without you.”

  My heart sang at his words, but I couldn’t look Elliott in the eyes. “I’m scared.”

  Elliott’s fingers interlocked with mine. “Miele, I promise we can get through this. Soon we will be together forever.” He sighed, “If you want me.”

  “Why do you keep saying things like that? Of course I want you.”

  He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. For some reason, I don’t think Elliott believed me.

  “Are you sure?” he asked. “You do have other options.” Great. He was referring to Nicholas.

  “You are the only one for me.” I looked deep into his emerald eyes. “Si. Sono certo. (I’m certain.)”

  He was more serious than I’d ever seen him. Taking my face in his muscular hands he said, “Be sure, mia amore. There can’t be a doubt in your mind. Not one.”

  My eyes shifted from the intensity of his stare. He waited until I could look back into his eternal eyes. “Not one,” he repeated.

  “Why do you keep saying that?”

  “I love you so much Lilly, and I’ve lost you so many times now. And I keep trying to figure out why. Why you don’t seem to make it to Atlantis. After all, it was you who figured out it was possible in the first place.” He paused, contemplating what more he was going to say. Elliott placed one hand on my thigh, with the other he gently brushed my cheek. He gave one of his looks that seems to penetrate my soul, “Something is holding you back.” His eyes didn’t release mine. It was as though Elliott was searching for an answer. It wasn’t there.

  I wasn’t sure if either of us was strong enough to discuss my past failures. The hurt was so apparent in his eyes, but I asked anyway. “Tell me everything about the first time. When we jumped together from the cliffs. Maybe I can help? Maybe I’ll notice something you haven’t?”

  “It would be better if you remembered. My telling you would only be my perspective, and I have analyzed it to death.”

  I wasn’t giving up. I was scared shitless, but I was determined not screw up my forever with Elliott again. “Maybe if I tell you about my dream. Maybe it would help?”

  Elliott kissed my cheek. “Perhaps, mia amore.” He then tucked me into his arms and I began.

  “I was in an old, stone room. It was damp. I could smell water through the walls. There was a swishing sound in the background. I was alone.” I paused for a moment, remembering my dream.

  “Up ahead I started to see a faint glow. I walked towards it. It glistened, reflecting on the wet cobblestones. There was a light ahead.

  “As I drew near the end of the tunnel, I realized that whatever was producing the light wasn’t a torch flame, as I had originally thought. There was no flicker to this light. Just a soft, steady glow. I closed the distance to the opening up ahead, making barely a sound. It was as if I was moving in shadow, part of the shadows perhaps. If I wanted, I could have easily snuck up on the light. But again, instinctively I knew I didn’t need too. I took a deep breath of the salty air as I moved through the last archway.

  “At first glance, the beauty of my surroundings took my breath away. What lay before me was in strong contrast to where I just was. Like black to white. Night and day. The dreary, damp, somber stones had somehow led me to a hidden cliff overlooking the Tyrrhenian Sea. The thrashing waves below were the source of the swishing.

  “The swishing of the ocean thrashing against the rocks, over and over, was natural background music of this place. The mysterious perfecting light of the moon, and the smell of the salt water, was intoxicating. I sat down on the rocky cliff and watched the waves try and tear the stones apart far below me. A light salty mist was all that could reach me from the battle that raged below. And I waited for you.” I looked up into Elliott’s eyes. He hadn’t been there for that part. I could see him visualizing it perfectly. I breathed in the floral scent of his skin, snuggled deeper into his embrace and continued.

  “I closed my eyes. I could feel the spray of the ocean on my face. The smell of the sea salt in my nose. Then I felt you take hold of my hand. You sat beside me on the rocky cliff.” I paused remembering the intensity of the dream, “And then you kissed me.”

  “You whispered in my ear, ‘Are you ready?’ Your lips brushed my ear and your hot breath sent a shiver down my spine.

  “Yes,” I replied.

  “We both stood up on the rocky ledge and inched ourselves closer to the precipice.” I could feel Elliott’s heart beat faster in his chest as I got closer to the moment in the memory that separated us.

  “I love you, Miele,” You said to me, as you took hold of my hand.

  “Forever,” I whispered back, clutching your hand tightly.

  “The next thing I remember is, hand in hand, we jumped from the cliff. I could feel the wind fly past me as we fell towards the waves and rocks below. As we broke the surface of the water, our hands got wrenched apart by the powerful current. I searched frantically in the black water for you.” My heart was racing also. It was hard remembering this. A drop of water fell on my face. I looked up to see Elliott was crying. I moved my body so I could kiss his wet lips. I held his face in my hands. I kissed the tears as they streamed down his cheek. “That’s all I remember.”

  It hurt me to see Elliott so sad. I hadn’t realized until now that he was probably more scared than I was about the task that lay ahead. For the better part of three hundred years, Elliott had been alone. Alone and waiting for me. And all because of me.

  It felt like a knife in my heart when I realized how much I was hurting him. And not just once. Not just now. But over and over again I hurt Elliott. And he hadn’t done anything but love me. I felt sick.

  I stood up and Elliott looked up at me. I couldn’t stand to see him like this. To know I was hurting him. I needed to leave on so many levels. “I have to go.” I couldn’t even look him in his eyes as I turned and projected myself back to the cellar.

  Chapter 6. cash lioN

  The tears were streaming down my cheeks, and Nicholas’s letter was clutched tight to my chest when I opened my eyes to the dusty darkness. I tried not to think. I wished for the pain to go away. It hurt too bad.

  Somehow, I got my wis
h.

  I’m not sure how I got home. I had to have walked, but I didn’t remember any of it. My mind probably snapped, because I found myself losing track of days at a time.

  I started back to school on Monday, though the whole thing was fuzzy and vague. When Meredith tried to interrogate me, I didn’t even have to lie. There was nothing to tell.

  Thursday, I passed Charlotte in the hall on the way to photography class. She said something about Nicholas as I passed. I’m pretty sure she was trying to make me jealous. Her attempts were futile and pathetic.

  Unfortunately, he loved me. I had the letter to prove it.

  The next Tuesday, I messed up.

  I had Nicholas’s letter out under my Calculus homework on the table. I had it with me at all times actually. It was the closest thing I had to having my friend with me. But I forgot to keep it hidden that night, probably the gloom that shadowed my thoughts, and Meredith saw it.

  “What is this?” she asked as she slipped the note out from under my book.

  My eyes focused for the first time in days. “It’s nothing. Please give it back, mom.”

  She was reading it. “This is so great, Lilly! Nicholas is a really cute guy. Why didn’t you tell me you two were official?”

  “We’re not.”

  She looked back and reread the letter, then looked at me, confused. “But…”

  “There are no buts, mom. I keep hurting him. It’s probably best if I’m just alone.” And it was true. I kept hurting both boys. Nicholas, because I had to keep telling him “no,” and Elliott because I couldn’t…. what? I let out a sigh and shook my head. What was I going to do?

  Meredith placed the letter on my pile of papers. “Everything will work out Lil. It always does. Maybe you should write him back.”

  I started to clean up my mess, placing the note in my folder for safe keeping. “Why would I write him. There’s nothing more to say.” I already chose Elliott.

  She rubbed my back and kissed the top of my head. “It might make you feel better.” And to my utter shock and surprise, Meredith left the kitchen. She left me alone. I finished gathering my work before retiring to my room.

  Maybe I should write Nicholas back? I didn’t want to. But it seemed like I should. Perhaps I would, just to see how he was doing. I’m sure he was having a harder time than me. Some friend I’d been the last couple months, and when he needed me most. I would try to be a friend to him. I owed him that.

  I got a blank piece of paper out on my desk and sat there for what felt like an eternity. The words wouldn’t come. I put the paper back in my desk and fell back into the gloom. There was nothing when I was there. It was like a protective place in my mind that wouldn’t let anything bother me. No sadness. No worry. And no time.

  I had been a good student up until now. I had most of it down to an autopilot routine. Somehow I was managing to get decent grades considering I wasn’t ever sure which classes I was taking. Occasionally, I would pull out a blank sheet of paper and stare at it. Trying to will the right words on the page that would be a satisfactory response to Nicholas’s declaration of love. I couldn’t even manage the opening. Writing him back was going to be impossible.

  I didn’t write Nicholas. And he didn’t write me.

  I was kind of shocked when I realized that Nicholas hadn’t tried to contact me once since he moved. Not one call. No emails. And no more letters. It wasn’t like him. I decided to make a promise to myself that I would write him Saturday. No matter how long it took, I needed to see if he was alright.

  As with all things you don’t want to happen, Saturday morning came quick. I woke early. I seemed to be sleeping less and less these days. That was one thing the gloom didn’t help with, unconsciousness. Projecting seemed to be my insomnia remedy. But that wasn’t something I was up to. I couldn’t see the hurt in Elliott’s eyes. I just couldn’t.

  I went down to the strong scent of Meredith’s coffee percolating throughout the house, sat down at the table with my pen and paper, and tried to write Nicholas back.

  “Morning, Lilly Bug.”

  “Morning, Mom.”

  “What are you doing?”

  I sighed. “Writing Nicholas a letter.”

  The look on her face was exuberant, though she tried to act like she couldn’t care what I did. “Would you like some eggs and toast?”

  “Sure. That would be great.” I stared at the blank page.

  I couldn’t think of anything to write. I don’t know how long I sat there doing nothing. I guess, however long it took Meredith to make me eggs and toast. Five? Ten minutes passed by perhaps? I was happy when she placed my breakfast before me. It gave me something to do, besides the impossible task that lay directly in front of me.

  Meredith looked at me, then at the blank notebook page. “Trouble with your letter, huh?”

  I grunted, shrugged and chewed.

  “Well, to get you started you can mention what you’ve been up to,” she offered.

  Taking a bite of toast, I racked my brain for any memories of the last two weeks that would be worth sharing. The only ones that were clear were the ones with Elliott. Everything else was fuzzy. I looked up at my mother, and shook my head.

  “You can ask about him. What is he up to? School? That sort of stuff.”

  I nodded while I took another bite. That sounded like a safer choice of topic. Not ideal by any means, but safer. I was finding it more than a little difficult to properly convey my words. It shouldn’t be this hard to write a little letter. But I was delighted when I finished eating and there were actual words on the page.

  “Thanks for your help, mom.” I dropped my dishes in the sink before heading out into the crisp and chilly fall weather. My grey hoodie permanently attached to me, and notebook in tow, I headed to Nicholas’s cellar. I had sort-of claimed it since he’d left.

  It turned out to be a nice quiet place that no one knew about, and the bonus was that it was warmer than outside, thus it was warmer than my meadow. I noticed I wasn’t even creeped out by the bugs and other unknown inhabitants anymore.

  Mechanically, I lit some candles and sat down to finish writing my letter. I was disappointed when I read over what I’d magically written at breakfast. Blah. Blah. Blah. It was hideous. How is Oregon? I miss you. How’s school? What a load of crap. He gives me a mysterious secret heartfelt letter of love and all I can think to say in response is “How is the weather?”

  I ripped the page out of my notebook and crumpled it up. “Urgh!” This really was beginning to feel impossible.

  My eyes scoured the cellar, Nicholas’s cellar, for any help. This was where he spent most of his spare time. Perhaps it would help me. Come on, one little clue, I thought as my eyes scanned around, really looking at my surroundings for the first time.

  There was the usual “guy” stuff: lighter, matches, candles, a pile of action flicks, a portable DVD player, a few boxes of granola bars, and some open cases of soda; in other words, nothing. So you still think Rocky Horror Picture Show is the best movie ever? I shook my head. Nope, this wasn’t helping. I went to leave. Maybe I would have better luck in my meadow.

  That’s when I saw it.

  On the bottom of the pile of DVDs, I noticed a familiar book. The one all about secret codes. Dust filled the room when I pulled it from its place, it filled my nostrils and made me sneeze out a candle. Good thing I always lit more than one. I plopped back down onto the dirty quilt and leaned back against the earthen wall. This wasn’t my book. My copy was on my desk, I remembered seeing it there this morning. And Nicholas’s was beat up. The cover was frayed. Many pages were dog-eared. It looked tattered and old.

  This was my answer. It would be easy to write Nicholas a note about how cool secret coding stuff is. How awesome his letter was, minus the love declarations. Sweet!

  I paid the most attention to the dog-eared sections. I figured then I wouldn’t need to give him a hint as he had given me. Obviously, he knew this book well.

 
; The tattered chapter on anagrams caught my attention. And the fact that it seemed like a really difficult code to create made me happy. Hopefully I wouldn’t have any time to think about other things.

  The book explained that an anagram was when you rearranged the letters of one message to reveal the real message. For example: if you rearrange the letters in the word “listen” you get the word “silent.” “Say it with flowers” rearranged becomes “we flirt so this way.”

  I smiled to myself as I blew out the candles and got up to leave. This was going to be difficult.

  It was the twenty-third of October when I finally finished Nicholas’s letter. It took me forever to figure out what to write, and then even longer to turn it into an anagram. When he finally cracks the code it would read:

  Nicholas—

  Thanks For The Letter

  I Love It

  Things Are Alright

  How Are You Holding Up?

  Can’t Wait For Christmas

  -Lilly

  But until he figured it out, all he was getting was:

  cash lioN—

  LeT FeaThherrs knott

  I vIoLet

  A reAl Things right

  o Hide Your own lAUgH p?

  this CoW FaCt rain smart

  -Lilly

  I was sure he would figure it out… eventually.

  I didn’t think it was nearly as cool as his lemon and wax message, but I was hoping he’d like it. I still wasn’t too happy with how I’d managed to scramble the true message up, but I was sick of trying. It had turned out to be even more difficult than I had originally anticipated. I had to purposely misspell feathers and knot, but Nicholas wouldn’t care. At least I gave him some help by capitalizing the first letter of the real words.

  I folded my message up and stuffed it into an envelope. He had left his new address on a piece of paper on my desk. I’d found it shortly after he’d moved. Pulling it out of the drawer, I scribbled his address on the front, gave it a stamp, and put it out with the mail.

  Walking back into my house, after finally completing such an arduous task, left me feeling oddly satisfied, and strangely happy. A sensation I was afraid to feel as of late. Happiness, caring, look where they had gotten me.