Maybe Harrison was my weak tea. He thought I’d been trying to change him into Rob, make a copy so I had what I’d always had before. I hadn’t been, not consciously. If anything, the longer I spent with Harrison, the more I realized that the things I liked most about him were the things that were completely different from Rob.
Rob and I had been a natural couple. We’d grown organically together, filling in each other’s cracks. Harrison and I weren’t like that, we didn’t develop into a pair, but that didn’t mean that we were any less of one. We were more puzzle pieces that, after a bit of mutual adjusting, slotted into place.
He’d become my preference.
“That’s a lot of thinking you’re doing over there, my dear.”
I looked up startled. How the hell could I have forgotten where I was? “I’m sorry. I’m just . . . I’m trying to work a lot out. I just saw the woman who moved into Harrison’s condo.”
“I see. What did she say to you to bring all this on?”
“That his wife, his ex-wife was sick and that he’d gone off to help her.” I couldn’t be mad at him for wanting to help the woman who he’d married. While they might not be together any longer, she’d meant something to him once and it was admirable for him to want to be there for her.
“He told me as much at the meeting. He also asked me not to tell you.”
I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. “I didn’t give him any reason for him to want me to know.”
“It wasn’t that.” Mr. Le Page drank his tea, wincing as he looked down into the cup. “I made that weak. Habit. Sorry.”
“It’s fine. What wasn’t it?”
He put the cup down and sighed. “Charlotte was much better at this sort of thing than I. He didn’t have a lot of details at the time, but he said that his ex-wife had been diagnosed with cancer.”
Oh God. “Why wouldn’t he tell me that? I could have helped.” If he was going to be there for his ex, he would need a support network of his own. That was something I’d learned the hard way.
“I think he didn’t want to remind you of what Rob went through.”
“Of course. Idiot.” Typical Harrison, always trying to fix the situation whether he understood what was broken or not.
“I should also tell you something else. Before your Rob passed, he gave Charlotte a letter. He wanted her to give it to the young man who would eventually win you over. I’d forgotten about it until I was going through her things. I gave it to Harrison when I heard he was leaving.”
Tears welled up in my eyes. “What did it say?”
“I don’t know. We never opened it and Harrison didn’t read it in my presence.”
I couldn’t imagine what Rob could possibly say to someone in a letter. God, if Harrison thought this whole situation was weird before, he’d be glad he ran away now.
“He’s never going to want to talk to me again.” I dropped my face into my hands. “I screwed this up so bad.”
“I don’t think you did.” The sound of him sipping his tea was soothing. “That boy cared for you. Anyone with two eyes could see that. I think he was scared of making the same mistakes that ruined his marriage. He wanted you, but he didn’t know how to win you.”
I peeked up at him. “Do you think?”
“I know. More importantly Charlotte knew and love was something that she was rarely wrong about.”
He’d been scared and I’d been angry. Those two things, coupled with his ex’s phone call and Nikki’s freak-out, had been enough to make us both overreact. He’d tried one last time to reach out to me before leaving for good and I’d shot him down without so much as a backward glance. I’d walked away from a chance at happiness and had been miserable ever since.
Mr. Le Page set his cup down and leaned closer. “I know it’s not my place, but I noticed something when Harrison was talking to me before he left. He seemed annoyed that his ex-wife had reached out to him. Not that he’d come out and say it with her being ill. He did mention that it was hard for him to go back. They’d ended things. He’d wrapped up that part of his life. Unlike you and I and our losses, Harrison was ready for something new.”
Oh.
A person’s perspective is shaped by their life’s experiences. My outlook had been shaped by losing Rob. I had no doubt that if he hadn’t gotten sick and died, we would still be together today. Harrison’s life hadn’t worked out that way. He’d closed that chapter, chosen to end his marriage. While it was natural for me to keep Rob close in my mind, it wasn’t the same for him. His ex-wife would be the last thing he’d want to compare someone to.
“I’m such an idiot.” I closed my eyes and let out a groan.
“No you’re not. You’re a kind woman with a big heart. There is more than enough love in you for both of them. More than enough for you to fix this particular situation, if that’s indeed what you want.”
“Thanks for the tea.” I downed the rest of my cup and stood. “I should probably go and . . . yeah, go.”
“Do you have his number? To check on him?” There was a sparkle in the old man’s eyes. “I have it written down somewhere if you don’t. He wanted to make sure I could call him in case I ever needed anything.”
“I do. I just wanted to know what was going on before I called him.” I hugged Mr. Le Page. “Thank you.”
“I’m just finishing what my Charlotte had started. She was convinced that he was the perfect man for you.”
“If you need anything—”
“I’ll come down.”
With one final hug, I headed out. I needed a plan if I was going to get Harrison back.
29
I was more determined than ever to win Harrison back. I ran my plan past Nikki to make sure it had enough smut factor to be effective, but not enough crazy to scare him away. With her approval, I launched Operation Star Wars, otherwise known as Get Harrison to Talk to Me.
Cell phone. Check.
Blank cards. Check.
Lingerie. Check and double check.
Dildo and duct tape. Oh yeah, baby.
I was good to go.
My plan was twofold. First, I had to get Harrison to speak to me again so I could earn his forgiveness for not giving him a chance to tell me what was going on. Second, I needed to woo him. I didn’t have the first clue how to woo a man, but I knew Harrison well enough at this point that I could at least take a reasonable stab at it.
There was a chance that this would all be for nothing. He could be by his ex-wife’s bedside right this moment declaring his renewed love for her. Illness did strange things to a relationship and I’d seen couples reunite more than once in similar circumstances. If that was the case, if I’d lost my chance to be with him, then I’d have to accept it. I had an opportunity and I’d blown it.
But if I hadn’t, if there was a sliver of hope that maybe the two of us could make something together, then I needed to try. I owed it to both of us.
I started the Saturday morning of the Labor Day weekend. The air was cool and the breeze had picked up, typical for a late August day. I had a cloth grocery bag filled with my items, ready to go in case things worked out. My cell phone was sitting on my coffee table, the display screen currently blank. I took a fortifying breath, picked up the phone, and searched my contacts for Harrison’s number.
Hello?
It was hard to wait for a response. There were any number of reasons why he didn’t get back to me immediately. He could be out running errands, or at the hospital with his wife, depending on what they were doing for treatments. Anything. I shouldn’t pressure him into responding. That wasn’t the tone I wanted, nor was it how I wanted to regain his trust.
Still, I needed to say my piece.
Hi. This is Alyssa (in case you deleted me from your contacts). I wanted to let you know that I heard about your ex. If there is anything I can do to help, ANYTHING, let me know. I’ve been there. I know how hard it is to deal with things and still try to stay strong for the other person. You
need someone there for you. If not me, then please find someone else.
I pressed send and a weird shaking crept up my arms. It was almost enough. Almost. But there was one last thing I needed him to know. There was no sense in chickening out now.
Oh, I also wanted to let you know that I think I love you and if it’s too late for that it’s okay. I screwed up. You didn’t deserve to constantly be compared to Rob. You were right. I think I was feeling guilty for wanting to move on. For being ready to move on. I just needed you to know that. And that I’m sorry. Have a good day!
There. The ball was officially in his court.
Leaving my phone on the table and the bag on the couch, I got up to go scrub my toilets. Because why not. I spent the better part of the next hour washing down every inch of every surface I could find in my condo until I couldn’t clean another thing. Then I vacuumed. Then I organized my shoes. I was about to start on doing the laundry when my phone started playing “Born To Be Wild,” my Harrison-specific ringtone.
I never considered myself particularly athletic, but I jumped over the arm of my couch to get to the phone, landing bouncing on the cushions. Taking a moment to steel myself against the myriad of possible answers that could be waiting for me, I ignored my pounding heart and picked up my phone.
Just woke up.
Well that was anticlimactic. I then looked at the clock. It’s nine o’clock. You’re normally long up by now.
I’m in Calgary.
Wait. What?
Home. Calgary. That’s where my ex is.
That was something I should have known. Sorry.
It’s good. I’m up now.
I was getting a little antsy that he hadn’t mentioned anything about what I’d said. It’s not as though I declare love via text message every day. Still, I knew Operation Star Wars wouldn’t be won that easily. I had to push on.
How is she making out? What kind of cancer?
Mr. Le Page?
Yeah. Don’t be mad at him. He only told me after I bugged him. Not exactly true, but I didn’t want to get him in trouble.
I’m not. A pause. She’ll be fine.
Now he was being stubborn on purpose. I’m sure she will. Lots of cancers are easily treatable if caught early enough. What does she have? Breast? I hope not, but there are a lot of excellent treatments now.
Another pause, much longer this time. No, skin cancer.
I wasn’t about to belittle any sort of cancer, but if a person was going to get one, that was like winning the lottery. What confused me was Harrison leaving town to be with her. He could have handled things long distance and with the occasional visit. Then I remembered the phone calls, his frustration, and some of his comments.
She didn’t tell you how bad things were before you came out, did she? You thought it was something more serious than it was?
Yeah.
Ouch. I’m sorry.
Don’t be. You weren’t the one lying to me.
No, but I didn’t give you a reason to stay either. Well, I’d gotten him to talk to me and for once I wasn’t screwing things up. It might be too early to start the wooing phase, but it would give me an idea of if this would work.
I grabbed one of the blank cards from my bag, wrote down my message, and took a picture.
Harrison, I miss you.
With a few button presses, the image was sent off. The delay for his response took longer than I’d hoped, but when it came the butterflies in my stomach took flight.
I miss you too.
Yes! Operation Star Wars was underway. I shoved my phone into my pocket, grabbed my bag, and went to my bedroom to get ready. When I left my condo, I knew I wouldn’t stop until I won him back.
30
The next phase of my plan involved a little visual teasing. I decided the best place to start was at my coffee shop. I didn’t realize how busy this place was on a Saturday morning, but wasn’t going to let that stop me. I took a picture of the outside of the building before going in and getting in line. Len, the barista who’d put a little extra punch in my coffee the last time I was here, was taking orders. Thankfully, there were too many other people around for him to do anything more than smile and wink at me.
I smiled back as I paid for my drink, bolting the moment I could. It took a minute to find a table that wasn’t next to a family. I sat, put my drink down on the table, and put my bag on my lap. Now for some fun. I shuffled through the sex cards until I found the one I wanted. I placed it on the table and snapped a picture and sent it to Harrison.
Day Thirteen
Heat up your mouth with hot liquid
and then give him a blow job
I had to be careful before I did the next part. Waiting until I was certain no one was looking, I pulled the dildo from the bag, put it next to the coffee cup and card, and took another picture. Grinning, I shoved it back in the bag, just as one of the other baristas walked by. She gave me a weird look.
Shit. “I’m doing something for a bachelorette party. Dildo about town.”
That seemed to be the right thing to say because the woman laughed and nodded. “Been there done that. My friends chickened out and I was the one with the toy. Have fun.”
“Thanks!” I’m a lying liar who lies. At least it was for a good cause.
Not wanting to look too obvious about what I was going to do next, I drank my coffee as quickly as I could. I then got up and went to the bathroom. It was one of those small, single-stall rooms, which was why I figured it would be perfect for this next card. All it needed was a little alteration.
I took the dildo out once more, along with the duct tape. Using a little ingenuity, I taped it to the wall about waist height. Perfect. Dropping my gear to the floor, I got undressed as quickly as I could so that the only thing I had on was the lingerie I’d bought for this occasion. I stood beside the taped up dildo so it was still visible in the mirror and took a picture.
Oh yeah.
It took a bit longer to get dressed again, but I managed it in short order. There was a knock on the door, which caused me to drop the cards that I’d been sorting through.
“Just a minute.” Aha! There it was. Resting it on the dildo, I snapped another quick picture before ripping it off the wall and shoving it into my bag.
Day Twenty
Have sex in a public bathroom
I sent it, along with the picture of me and the dildo, off to Harrison, before making sure that I’d removed all evidence of what I’d done and left the room. There was a young mother and her toddler standing there waiting for me to leave. No guilt, no guilt . . . “Sorry. All yours.” I bolted from the coffee shop.
My phone had buzzed several times after I’d left, but I was too chicken to see what Harrison was saying. At worst, I’d hoped he was enjoying the humor in my little adventures. At best, I hoped he was getting turned on.
The next stop on my little sexventure was the CN Tower. It seemed slightly ridiculous to pay money just to get a picture, but I wasn’t going to do Operation Star Wars half-assed. It was all or nothing.
Not that Harrison would appreciate the meaning behind this, but being terrified of heights, the CN Tower was the last place in Toronto I tended to go. First, it was a big, honking, concrete tower. Second, you had to go up said concrete tower in a glass elevator. Last, the bloody thing had a glass floor. No. And yet, here I was, fee paid and climbing into the elevator to go up to the top of this monolith so I could get the perfect dildo picture.
Who said romance was dead?
When the elevator doors slid open I noticed there was a group getting ready to do the edge walk. Those idiots paid money to get strapped into a harness and go on the outside of this thing. They were nuts. And yet . . .
I went up to the guy who looked to be in charge. “Excuse me? I have a very odd request.”
By the time I’d explained what I wanted him to do for me, the dude was laughing his head off. “You want me to take a picture of your dildo by the door outside?”
/> “If you could. It’s a bit of a joke. My boyfriend is out of town and . . . well.”
“It’s cool. Just, don’t tell anyone I did this. I could get in trouble.” He held out his hand and I gave him the bag. “Give me ten minutes.”
Fifteen minutes later I sent Harrison two pictures.
Day Twenty-three
Have sex on a balcony
The second was the image of the dildo in front of the door that led to the outside of the CN Tower, the Toronto cityscape behind it.
With those done, I thanked the guide and went back down to solid ground. Needing a distraction from the elevator scenery, I took a moment to scroll back and see what he’d said earlier. The first one was simply a smiley face. But with each subsequent picture I sent, his comments got more verbose.
Cute.
A hot mouth would feel weird.
Is that a public washroom? How did you get the tape to hold that thing to the wall?
LOL it is! Where is that? I’ll have to add it to my list of places to visit.
Holy fuck, you’re in lingerie. In the . . . shit girl. My cock is a rock right now.
Where are you off to now? Hello?
Is that . . . are you at the fucking Tower?
LOL!!!! How did you manage to get that picture. I can’t believe you’re doing this.
By the time the elevator reached the ground, I was a grinning fool. It was working. I had one more stop before I could head home. On the way to the subway stop, I popped into the bookstore. Having spent more hours than I could count here over the years, I knew exactly where the book I wanted was. Originally, I planned to simply take the picture of the dildo next to the Kama Sutra, but as I picked it up and flipped through some of the pages, I realized I might actually want to have a copy. You know, just in case I ever found myself in a situation where I needed a hot-ass sex move and didn’t have any good ideas.
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