‘She left you? O, Charles, I’m so sorry.’ Alana struggled up onto her side to look down at me with pity in her eyes. I grimaced and shook my head.
‘I’m the one who’s sorry, I’m still married, Alana. We’ve had a long distance relationship for five years and she had no knowledge of Laura or Sai, nor them of her.’ I saw the look of hurt and disappointment cross her face and it hurt me. ‘I don’t love her, I never loved her, but I shouldn’t have done what I did and I promise if you tell me that you’ll trust me with your heart, I’ll end it with all of them as soon as I fly home and I’ll get a divorce.’
‘How do I know that you’d stay faithful to me?’ she questioned quietly.
‘You don’t. All I can say is that I didn’t love any of those women so I didn’t feel guilt doing what I did. With you … with you Alana, everything is different. I’ve never felt this way before, I know in my heart that you’re the woman for me, I just need to convince you of that.’ I frowned as her eyes filled up with tears again and she sat up, avoiding looking at me as she wiped her eyes. I sat up too and put my arm around her. ‘Talk to me, tell me what you’re thinking.’
‘I haven’t been completely honest with you either, I want to be, but I’m scared.’
‘Alana, nothing you can tell me will change how I feel. Even if I find out you were only interested in me for my money, for security, I don’t care. I know that you feel something for me, however this started you care about me too. That’s all that matters.’
‘I do care, I care very much,’ she nodded.
‘So talk to me,’ I coaxed, running my hand up and down her arm, loving the feel of her bare skin under my fingers.
Alana
‘It’s important that you know that inside, I am the person I’ve always been. I have stayed true to myself, but my family weren’t able to accept that and they disowned me. I have always been attracted to men, but they didn’t understand, they saw me as an abomination and …’ I broke off, tears rolling down my face as the memory of the look on my parents’ faces flashed before my eyes. I’d never felt so hurt as I did in that moment. I felt Charles’s strong arms lifting me up, then placing me on his lap as he held me tightly to his chest. I sobbed for a few minutes, wondering if I had the strength to see this through. To have the possibility of seeing him react the way that they did. I told them and within minutes my belongings had been thrown out into the dry orange dirt road running past our front door, a suitcase swiftly following. My father had marched me out and shoved me into the street, where I lay surrounded by my belongings as he yelled at me, my mother in tears in the background. As if that weren’t humiliating enough, all the neighbours were peering out of their windows. No one came to help me up, or to pick up my things. I’d been sobbing nearly as hard as I was now as I’d tried to gather my few possessions and put them into my small case. I’d called my mother’s name, pleading with her to let me in, to give me a chance to explain properly, but no one replied. I used what little money I had in my purse to catch a bus to Bangkok and I’d never seen my parents since.
‘Your parents wanted you to like women?’ Charles asked, as he wiped my cheek, removing some of the salt water trickling its way down it.
‘Yes,’ I whispered, my body trembling.
‘It’s a custom where you come from that daughters are lesbians?’
‘No,’ I replied, taking a deep breath to calm myself. ‘I’ve always been who I am, inside I’ve always been Alana, but my name wasn’t Alana Mookjai. It was … Alan Nikon Kawrungruang.’ I said it fast, as if that would help Charles accept the truth. He remained silent as I chewed my lower lip nervously, wondering if he’d just heard what I’d said.
‘Your parents named you after a boy? They wanted a son and couldn’t accept you were a girl?’
‘I am a girl, Charles. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always known I’m a girl, but I was born into the wrong body. I was born a boy and my parents named me Alan.’ I scrunched up my face as I heard him take a shocked gasp of air, his body stiffening under me immediately.
‘What the hell are you saying, Alana? You’re telling me you’re a fucking man?’ he almost yelled the last sentence. I winced at the tone in his voice and had to battle more tears from flowing as he quickly lifted me off him and plonked me down on the bed. He leapt up to stand at the side of it as he ran his hands through his hair, shaking his head in disbelief. He couldn’t get away from me fast enough and that was more painful than my gender reassignment surgery.
‘I’ve never been a man, Charles, I was just born with the wrong genitalia.’
‘Jesus fucking Christ!’ This time he did yell as he started to pace the floor. I quickly pulled my knees to my chest and dragged the sheet up to my chin, feeling exposed sitting here naked. ‘You don’t have a cock, you have breasts, you have … are you fucking with me?’ he glared at me as he stood with his hands on his hips. ‘Is this some kind of joke?’
‘No,’ I replied, shaking my head. My life, my choices, they certainly weren’t a joke. They were very serious indeed. I’d given up everything to be the person I was meant to be. To be Alana. ‘I got a job at The Bangkok Domville and worked hard to save up money for the operation, but it was too expensive. I already dressed as a woman, I was taking hormones to stop my body hair growth and to make my breasts grow. A regular patron of the hotel grew fond of me and we started an affair. He paid for me to have vaginoplasty, where they remove the penis and use parts of it for sensation when they create a vaginal tunnel and clitoris. But when he saw me without my penis, he didn’t want me anymore. He wanted a she-male, not a fully transitioned woman.’
‘Woman?! You’re not a fucking woman. You’re a man. A man who fucks men. Does this get you off? To pretend to be something you’re not?’ he roared, starting to pace again. I lost the battle to contain my tears as his words hit home like punches to my chest.
‘I’m not gay,’ I cried, hearing the anguish in my voice. ‘However I was born, I am a woman. A woman that you said you loved. You told me it didn’t matter what my past was, that you’d see through that.’
‘I thought you were going to tell me that you were broke, that I was a ladder out of living in squalor outside of this hotel. Not that I’d just fucked a bloody man! No wonder you needed fucking lubricant and you felt so tight. Nothing’s fucking real!’ He suddenly retched and covered his mouth with his hand, running to the waste bin at the side of the bed and heaving into it.
‘Charles, please,’ I whimpered.
‘I’ve licked your bloody clit, Alan,’ he hissed. ‘A piece of reformed cock. I’m not fucking gay, I’ve never sucked cock in my life and I don’t intend to start now. Get the fuck out, I never want to see you again.’
‘Charles,’ I protested, gulping down the pain. I pulled the sheet even tighter around my body, which was shaking with hurt. I watched through my tears as he gathered up my clothes off the floor and strode to the bedroom door, flinging it open and tossing them out into the corridor. I choked on some gut wrenching sobs. I was a teenager again, back at my parents’ house, suffering the humiliation I’d felt all that time ago.
‘Get the fuck out before I ring management and have them haul you out,’ he bellowed, his face bright red with anger. I couldn’t move, my legs refused to listen to my head telling me to run as fast as I could. I shrank into as small a ball as I could as he marched over, then ripped the sheet off the bed and out of my hands. ‘Get out!’ he repeated, his voice low and full of fury.
I scrambled over to the other side of the bed and ran to the door, scooping up my maid’s outfit and clutching it to me trying to hide my naked body. A body he’d only just spent ages worshipping, licking and fucking. Why did a few words change what he felt for me? I couldn’t understand. ‘I thought you’d fallen in love with me?’ I called.
‘I fell in love with Alana, someone who doesn’t even exist. Now I’m disgusted with myself as well as with you. Make sure I don’t see you again or you’ll regret it,’ he
hissed, slamming the door in my face. I stood there shaking, unable to stop the tears dripping down onto my bare chest. I heard him being sick again, which only hurt me more. He was the first man I’d had sex with since my surgery. I’d vowed to myself that when I had sex again as an official woman, it would be with someone who cared for me, someone that would accept my past and my present. I really thought Charles had been that man. I’d fallen for him so hard. I managed to pull my clothes on, worried Li Wu might come into the suite and see me. To be found in here would be a sackable offence, let alone to be naked and crying, with a furious guest on the other side of the door. I hesitated for a moment, wondering if I should have told Charles before we’d had sex, but the rational part of my brain told me that I’d known this outcome had been a possibility and I’d been too selfish to give up a chance of sleeping with him. I’d wanted to experience pleasure as a woman, a desired woman and loved woman. And I had. For a brief moment all the years of hardship and low self-worth had been worth it. Despite the outcome, I’d never forget that feeling. I’d never forget him. I reached up and touched the door.
‘Goodbye, Charles,’ I whispered, feeling my heart breaking, before I turned and fled back to the safety of my private room, threw myself on the bed and cried myself to sleep.
The Hardest Cut
Charles
I flew back to Singapore with a ball of white hot anger inside me. Even a few days of not seeing her, or him, whatever the fuck she was, hadn’t made it dissipate. I’d fucked a guy for Christ’s sake. Licked cock, or at least part of it. I wasn’t gay! I didn’t want to be fucking attracted to a transgender bloody … I didn’t even know what to call Alana anymore. The trouble was that I was attracted to her, I still bloody wanted her. Even though I was fucking furious and disgusted with the whole situation, thinking about her, about sex with her, still got my cock hard. I’d never been attracted to a man before, not that there hadn’t been plenty of opportunities at boarding school or Uni. But looking at Alana you’d never have guessed she was a man. She was more feminine than most of the women I’d been with. I’d never seen anyone so beautiful before. What kind of fucked up person was I? I threw myself into the back of the town car waiting for me at arrivals and turned on my phone, which started ringing with Zena’s number automatically.
‘What?’ I snapped.
‘You’ll be looking for a new personal assistant if you carry on answering the phone to me like that,’ she scolded.
‘Sorry, I’m not in the best of moods.’
‘Really? Your positive, cheerful and infectious demeanour told me completely the opposite.’
‘Cut the sarcasm, Zena and get to the point. With the exception of sealing the deal with the Chinese, I’ve had a shit few days. After a long flight, I just want to go home, have a brandy and take out my frustrations on my punching bag in the gym.’
‘How would you feel about taking out your frustrations on the three women in your life? They’re all waiting for you in your suite. Sai must have accessed your travel arrangements. I think they’re expecting you to choose one of them.’
‘Jesus fucking Christ,’ I groaned, pinching the top of my nose. ‘I can’t deal with breaking up with them all today. Can’t you find me a suite somewhere else for the weekend until I sort out my head.’
‘No!’ she replied, forcefully. ‘If you’re ending it with all of them, you need to go and tell them it’s over. With your recommendation, Laura already has another job to start on Monday, Carly’s flight home is Sunday and Sai can go on gardening leave until you find her a new position. I’m not coming into work on Monday and handling all your personal crap again. Deal with it now, or you can look for a replacement for me as well.’
‘You’d never leave me?’ I uttered, sitting upright, stunned.
‘Test me and find out. Sort this out tonight then you can wallow in whatever went wrong with Alana this weekend and if you want to talk to someone about it, I’ll be all ears on Monday.’
‘It’s complicated,’ I sighed, wondering how I could ever vocalise to anyone what had happened in Hong Kong. I was too ashamed and humiliated.
‘Charles, working for you, I’ve lived complicated for the last five years. You’ve always relied on my advice and guidance, it’s here if you need it, on the condition that you end it with those three women tonight. Right, I have a date of my own and I plan on the fun carrying through until Sunday night, so I won’t be answering any of your calls until seven a.m. Monday morning, no matter what the emergency, are we clear?’
‘Perfectly,’ I grumbled. Christ, I may as well have had my mum as my PA for all the grief I got. I hung up and leaned back, turning my head to watch the Saturday hustle and bustle of Singapore flashing past as we sped back to my suite and the inevitable screaming match that was about to kick off.
I took a deep breath as I let myself into my suite. Leaving my luggage in the hall, I headed towards the lounge, wondering what the hell was about to go down. Regardless, I needed a stiff brandy. I was surprised to find the three of them all sitting together on my sectional sofa talking. Calmly. It was unnerving. All three turned their heads at the same time to look at me as I walked in. Jesus, talk about freaky. I loosened my tie and tossed my jacket onto the armchair as I strode over to my drinks cabinet.
‘Welcome home, Charles,’ called Laura.
‘Charles,’ came Carly’s voice.
‘Sir,’ added Sai.
‘I need a drink before you all start attacking me,’ I announced, pouring myself a large glass from my decanter, then walking over to the kitchen area to add some ice from my fridge dispenser. I turned to face them, feeling very unsettled by their apparent calm demeanour. I felt like I was in the presence of Macbeth’s witches, that something was brewing, something that I wasn’t totally aware of.
‘Who said we were going to attack you?’ Carly asked, with a sweet as sugar smile.
‘From the sounds coming from my office on Monday, I expected to find this place trashed and to have the three of you out for blood.’
‘Surely you can understand my reaction, Charles? I thought we were happily married, that you were faithful. You barely even ring me anymore and when you didn’t confirm your plans to come home for Valentine’s week, to celebrate our wedding anniversary, I thought you were obviously so busy with your job you didn’t have time to come home. I thought I’d surprise you by coming to you. I didn’t expect to find you were on vacation in Hong Kong, or to be confronted by a furious lover in your office.’
‘Sai very sorry, Sir,’ she interjected. ‘Sai break many things in your office. She was very angry.’
‘Was very angry?’ I raised a brow as I took a much needed few swigs of my drink. She was the one I was keeping my eye on. Out of the three of them, she had the fieriest of tempers.
‘Sai and Laura already aware of each other,’ she replied. ‘We just disappointed that you have wife we know nothing about. But not like we not share you before. Now we calm down, we happy to share you again if you keep fucking us. You have biggest cock any of us ever had.’
‘I’d rather have you to myself, but Sai’s right. You’re the best sex I ever had too, I’d rather we continue with our arrangement,’ chipped in Laura with a nod.
‘I thought you were starting your new job on Monday?’ I asked, feeling puzzled.
‘I don’t sign the contract until I arrive. If you want me to stay, for our arrangement to carry on, I’ll stay,’ she nodded. Jesus, this was so not how I saw this meeting going. I knocked back the rest of the drink and screwed up my face. How long had I left it in that decanter? It tasted odd, slightly bitter almost.
‘And what about you, Mrs. Ponsonby?’ I called. ‘Are you going to tell me you’re happy to keep fucking me in England while I sleep with these two behind your back?’ I almost laughed at how polite everyone was being.
‘I wouldn’t say happy, no,’ Carly replied. ‘But in spite of everything, of how much a part of me hates you, I still love you, Charles. We
’ve been together since we were seventeen. Twelve years of history is a long time. It’s a lot to walk away from. Now I’ve had time to reflect, it was naïve of me to imagine you’d be able to stay faithful, when we only see each other a few times a year. You’re a successful hardworking businessman at the top of his game. All that pressure and the high stakes must have you coiled so tightly, I can understand you needing to blow off some steam. As long as it’s not with prostitutes or anyone other than Sai and Laura, I’d be prepared to turn a blind eye.’
I blinked a few times as I tried to focus on her face. How much had I had to drink on the plane? Did I really just hear her say that she was giving me permission to keep fucking Laura and Sai and stay married to her? No expensive or messy divorce? I needed another drink. I made my way to the cabinet and cursed as I bounced off the edge of the dining table on the way. My fingers fumbled as I lifted the decanter top and poured myself another glass, the dark amber liquid splashing all over the polished wood. What the hell was wrong with me? It wasn’t like me to be clumsy. I took another few gulps and screwed up my face. That definitely tasted funky and I couldn’t recall ever getting pissed so fast either. I was sure I’d only had a few miniatures on the plane yet my vision was blurring already. I shook my head, trying to refocus my eyes.
‘Charles, are you feeling alright?’ Laura called. I turned around to see two of each of them approaching me. Great, six bloody women against me now.
‘Hmmm, I think he’s had a bit too much brandy,’ Carly giggled.
‘He look like he about to pass out. What we do with him?’ Sai asked as their distorted faces and bodies got closer.
‘As he loves fucking us all, maybe getting fucked by all three of us at the same time would make him even happier,’ Carly replied. I heard maniacal cackling from all three of them and I looked down at the glass I was holding, horrified as the realisation that I wasn’t pissed hit me.
The Domville 4 (The Domville #4) Page 7