Fandango in the Apse!

by Jane Taylor

  And so, as the banter continued, I watched Robbie’s completely uninhibited interaction with his family, and realised something. It wasn’t a cymbal-clashing, drum-rolling moment, it was a quiet realisation that there was something about this man that resonated with my soul. I was truly and completely in love with him. I felt my heart open and soar to freedom. At the exact moment of this realisation Robbie glanced at me, and was I sure I could see the same emotion reflected back at me.

  My breath stilled in my chest as my heartbeat thrummed loudly in my ears above the laughter in the room. Robbie smiled and turned away distracted by a question from his father. I picked up my wineglass and quickly scanned the room only to come to a thudding stop, Julie was watching me.

  I lay awake for hours after Robbie drifted off. I needed to examine, in minute detail, this brand new emotion. I had so many questions rattling around in my head, the main one being, what did I do now? Did I tell him? No, I needed to keep this to myself a little longer; I needed time to get used to the idea. I wasn’t scared of telling Robbie how I felt, I was reasonably confident he felt the same way. No man could be as loving and kind as he was and not feel the same way, surely? I wasn’t even frightened of the depth of my emotions, which surprised me. I felt free, unshackled by the doubts that had been a part of my life for so long. Robbie had been proud to introduce me to his family, and that knowledge buoyed my confidence. Robbie Collins was proud of me! I had to keep repeating it, it was such a wondrous revelation.

  We planned to leave after breakfast the following morning. Alison and I were opening the shop for the sales the next day. I already felt guilty about the amount of work she’d had to do, re-pricing stock in my absence.

  I was about to close the case I had just packed when I remembered I’d left the shoes I had worn for the party in the kitchen. After only wearing them for a couple of hours, I had conceded that my days of wearing three-inch heels, let alone four, were probably over. I headed back down the stairs acknowledging that only the previous day I would have considered that a pain in the arse. That day… nothing could spoil my mood, or so I thought.

  I saw my shoes immediately; they were sitting on the floor to the right of the breakfast room door. I picked them up and was about to return upstairs, when I heard my name mentioned from within the room. I know I should have carried on with what I was doing, but I defy any of you who could do that once you’d heard you name mentioned.

  ‘So, come on lil’ brother… out with it,’ Julie was saying.

  ‘Out with what?’ Robbie laughed.

  ‘About you and Katie…anything we should know?’ Julie repeated coyly.

  ‘No… I don’t think so?’

  ‘He’s being deliberately obtuse, Julie.’ That was Pamela’s voice.

  ‘I know, so come on, Robbie, we’re…’

  ‘Nosy,’ Robbie grumbled. I was wishing he would answer them, I wanted to know what he would say.

  ‘Now don’t get all defensive… it’s just sisterly curiosity, isn’t it, Pam?’

  ‘OK, I’ll spell it out… Julie and I want to know if we are going to have to go hat shopping in the near future.’

  ‘What in God’s name gave you that idea?’ My stomach lurched.

  ‘Oh! Well… it’s just that you don’t normally bring anyone home,’ said Pam.

  ‘And you two look like love’s young dream… we thought… didn’t we, Pam…’ Julie’s voice trailed off in confusion.

  ‘I don’t believe you two. Just because I brought Katie home, doesn’t mean I’m going to marry her, we don’t have that sort of relationship.’ My stomach lurched again, but like a rabbit caught in the glare of headlights, I couldn’t move.

  ‘Oh, but we thought…’

  ‘Well you thought wrong… both of you. Let me explain this so you are not under any illusions – I have no intention of marrying Katie, now or in the future … is that clear?’

  ‘Does she know that?’ Pam asked.

  ‘We’ve never discussed it.’

  ‘Well, I think you should,’ Julie said.

  ‘Well, I think it’s none of your business.’

  ‘You know she’s in love with you, don’t you?’

  ‘For Christ’s sake Julie… what are you basing that on? Katie is not in love with me and I am not in love with her, period. We have a great relationship, but Katie is complicated… she’s…’

  ‘Vulnerable?’ So much for Robbie’s assertion that Julie didn’t psychoanalyse in her spare time.

  ‘No… well… yes – oh, I don’t know, but there is something about her that…’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’m not one of your patients, Julie, Katie and I are fine as we are. Jesus, it’s like being cornered by the Gestapo.’

  ‘Robbie, I know what you are doing here and it’s wrong, you have to leave the past behind you, it was twenty years ago. When are you going to accept it wasn’t your fault?’ Julie pleaded.

  ‘Enough!’ Robbie shouted. ‘That has nothing to do with this…’

  ‘But…’

  ‘I-will-never-marry-anyone. There are no if’s or but’s, that is fact, and I’ve nothing more to say on the subject.’ I heard a chair scrape across the floor, but didn’t have time to react before Robbie stormed through the door.

  ‘Katie!’

  ‘I…’

  I what? What could I say? We looked at each other briefly then with a pained expression Robbie brushed passed me and through the door to the garden. I didn’t move, I couldn’t, it felt like someone had nailed my feet to the floor as the full impact of Robbie’s words washed over me. Then Julie was beside me, her distraught expression made it perfectly clear how horrified she was that I had heard their conversation.

  ‘Katie, I’m so sorry…’

  I held my hand up to stop her speaking. I couldn’t do this now, I had to get away. I heard her call to me as I ran back to the stairs. Please, please, God, don’t let her follow me, I begged.

  In the history of all the crap car journeys I have ever taken, the one home has to rank as number one. When Robbie returned from the garden, I had everything packed and was sitting on the bed waiting for him. There was an awkward pause when he entered the room. I couldn’t look at him, afraid the sight of his face would dissolve the blessed numbness wrapping itself around me. I desperately needed to ward off the pain I knew was coming, for a little longer, at least.

  ‘Is that everything?’ he asked. I nodded, afraid to speak.

  ‘OK, well if you’re ready…?

  I stood to put my coat on and then walked past him and down the stairs. My courage almost failed me when Julie and Pam were waiting in the hall.

  ‘Katie…are you alright?’ Julie asked.

  I nodded and murmured a quiet thanks for her hospitality and left the house as quickly as possible.

  We had been driving for a couple of hours when Robbie spoke for the first time.

  ‘Would you like to stop for lunch?’

  ‘No, thank you.’

  ‘Katie…’

  ‘Don’t.’

  Again we lapsed into silence. I needed silence to come to terms with what a gigantic arse I had made of myself yet again. As the numbness began to wear off, I became acutely aware that I had made a whole heap of assumptions that I had no right to make. As I thought back over the previous few months, I could not remember a single time when Robbie had even hinted about our relationship being anything more than it was. It was me who had built up this whole scenario in my mind. Christ, there had even been times when I imagined the discussion we would have over whose house we would live in.

  What an incredible fool I was. I couldn’t believe my audacity, it defied belief. What on earth made me think someone like Robbie would love someone like me? I had seen some of his girlfriends – all were beautiful – all were transient. Why did I think I was going to be the one to make him settle down? It was laughable how blinkered I’d been in my desperation not to be just another statistic in his life.


  I mean really, what could I offer a man like Robbie? Men like him didn’t want love, they wanted sex…no strings attached, sex. I could feel myself withering with humiliation with each mile we travelled. Robbie didn’t speak again until we were almost home.

  ‘Katie, we have to talk.’

  My only salvation was to remain calm. I knew I had already lost him, but I also knew for my own sake, I had to retain my dignity.

  ‘Yes, I suppose we do.’ Robbie let out a deep sigh and looked across at me. I schooled my features to reveal nothing of the horrendous pain settling in the pit of my stomach.

  ‘I’m sorry you heard that conversation earlier.’

  ‘Why?’ That obviously wasn’t the reply he was expecting and he floundered for a moment trying to find his words.

  ‘It was hurtful to you and I never want to hurt you.’ Too late, I thought.

  ‘Don’t worry about it, Robbie… these things are better out in the open.’ Was that me speaking? I was amazed I sounded so calm.

  ‘I didn’t realise, Katie, I thought you understood, but you were expecting more… from me, I mean.’ It was a statement rather than a question.

  ‘If I’m honest… then yes, I was. Look Robbie, I wasn’t expecting wedding bells and happily ever after.’ Liar! ‘But I thought we were progressing – I had no idea that this was it for you. But you have nothing to reproach yourself for,’ I added. ‘It was my mistake.’

  ‘I can’t be what you want me to be, Katie.’

  ‘I know that now.’ Robbie leaned over to rest his hand on mine and I didn’t pull away.

  ‘Katie, I want you to know…it’s not…’

  ‘Please don’t say it’s not me, it’s you… it doesn’t matter whose fault it is, the end result is the same.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  For the first time since he walked out of the breakfast room, I looked at him. He looked sad and I understood why. Essentially, Robbie was a good guy, he hadn’t wanted to hurt me. I just wished he’d been clearer about his expectations, or lack of them in this case, in the beginning. He should have drawn up ground rules that an imbecile like me could follow.

  As soon as we pulled into my drive, I was out of the car and dragging my bag out of the trunk. Robbie got out, but I wanted to be away from him, my carefully built façade was beginning to crack around the edges.

  ‘Goodbye, Robbie,’ I managed, past the huge lump firmly lodged in my throat.

  ‘Katie.’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I’m sorry…’ he said again.

  ‘Me too.’ I had to run inside then, I couldn’t handle the mortification of crying in front of him.

  When I woke on the Monday morning, it was to the realization that most of the previous evening was a blur. I remembered coming through the door to the sound of Robbie reversing down the drive, but then nothing except deep, debilitating pain, which cut through me like a rip-saw. I couldn’t find any relief from it, I couldn’t cry. Why couldn’t I cry? I could feel the tears welled up behind the lump in my throat, but I couldn’t free them. My heart felt like something was trying to drag it from my chest and still I couldn’t release the cleansing flow of tears.

  Fear began to overwhelm me. I would never feel the security of Robbie’s arms again or touch his warm skin, or laugh at his silly jokes. Loving Robbie had set my heart free and having lost him, I felt splintered into a million pieces and I knew I would never be whole again.

  I dragged myself into the bathroom and was shocked at my reflection in the mirror. There was no sign of the woman who had looked back at me the previous morning. I felt I’d lived a lifetime since then. In place of the bright, sparkling eyes so full of hope, was a pair, dulled and lifeless with pain.

  I wanted to crawl back under the duvet and never emerge, but I had to go to work. No matter what – it was the first day of the sale and I couldn’t let Alison down. Anyway, I reasoned, perhaps it was better to be busy.

  Chapter Twenty

  ‘About time too, missus,’ Alison joked, when I arrived half an hour late. ‘Ooh…are you OK? You look dreadful… what was it, too much partying over the New Year?’

  ‘Something like that,’ I replied, with what I hoped was a convincing smile. I wasn’t ready to tell Alison yet – everything was too raw, I needed time to come to terms with it first. The smile did the trick, and as customers came and went in a steady stream all day, there wasn’t time to mention my appearance again. By Saturday though, Alison wouldn’t be put off any longer.

  ‘You really do look like shit,’ she said, as we were closing up after another busy day. ‘Are you still not well? Perhaps you should ring the doctor; you might have alcohol poisoning or something.’

  ‘Ali, I’m fine, it’s just a bit of a cold.’ I had no idea how I had kept going through the week, all I wanted was to get home at cocoon myself in a blanket on the sofa, as I had done every other night. Fending off questions from Alison wasn’t on my agenda.

  ‘Rubbish. You’re not sniffling or coughing, so what is it?’ Then, as I watched, Alison put two and two together and came up with the correct answer.

  ‘Is everything alright with you and Robbie, you haven’t fallen out have you?’

  The concern on her face was too much. ‘Alison, just for once will you keep your nose out of my business…please?’

  ‘Katie, I…’

  ‘Just leave it, will you?’ I grabbed my keys. ‘I’m going home,’ I said, without a backward glance.

  Later with the fire lit for company and back in my usual place on the sofa, I thought about the way I had spoken to Alison. I would have to ring her in the morning to apologise. I knew time was running out and I would soon have to tell her about Robbie, but it could wait a little longer.

  This probably wasn’t very healthy, but over the previous few nights I found I could blot out everything and relive the time I was with Robbie. My days were spent willing the time away, so I could lay on the sofa wrapped in a blanket and ease my heart by pretending everything was as it had been, reliving special moments, recalling certain conversations. Of course, reality always surfaced and the pain magnified as it washed over me anew, but the few hours of make-believe made that worthwhile.

  It was in this state of mind that I first heard the crunch of tyres on gravel. Jerked out of my reverie, my heart thudded painfully against my ribs. Please God – please, please God, let it be him. I held my breath as a car door slammed and then listened to footsteps on the path and then a knock. ‘Please…please,’ I whispered.

  ‘Katie? Open up, it’s me.’ Alison’s words brought my breath whooshing out sickeningly. I swallowed my disappointment and slowly disentangled myself from the blanket to open the door. Was that really what I was doing? Was I really waiting here night after night, hoping Robbie would turn up? What a stupid, idiotic, ridiculous fool I was.

  ‘Hi, Alison.’ I was faintly surprised by the huge bag she lugged in with her.

  ‘Hiya,’ she said, as she dumped the bag on the sofa and started rummaging through it, finally producing two bottles of wine.

  ‘So…’she said, holding both aloft. ‘Do you want red or white?’

  I shook my head. ‘Alison, I’m not in the mood… please don’t be offended, but I just want a quiet night by myself.’

  ‘Hmm…that might be a bit of a problem.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Well, you see this bag?’ I nodded. ‘That contains another two bottles of wine, my jim-jams, tooth brush and clean undies.’

  ‘Alison… what are you doing?’ The woman had the hide of a rhinoceros, couldn’t she see I wanted to be left alone?

  ‘I’m camping out here and you can say and do as you like, but I’m not moving until we sort this mess out.’

  ‘You know?’

  Alison nodded. ‘Now don’t get mad, I only did it because I was so worried about you.’

  My heart sank. ‘What did you do, Alison?’

  ‘I got Mark to phone Robbie…’ I sucked in my breath.
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br />   ‘Jesus, Christ Alison, why did you do that?’ In that moment, I could have hit her. ‘Who gave you the right to do that? Did you not hear me when I told you to stay out

  of my business? I can’t believe you did that! Right… get out Alison, get out and keep your interfering…’

  ‘No.’

  ‘What did you say?’

  ‘I said, no.’

  ‘Alison… I won’t ask you again, please get out of my house.’

  ‘No.’

  We stood looking at one another and I knew by the mutinous set of Alison’s jaw, that short of man-handling her out of the house, she was staying.

  ‘Right… now that’s settled, do you want red or white?’

  ‘I don’t care.’ Alison looked at what was no doubt a sullen expression on my face and chose to ignore it.

  ‘Red it is, then.’

  ‘Why did you do it, Ali?’ I asked, when she had poured the wine and settled herself at the other end of my sofa.

  ‘I’m sorry, Katie,’ she replied, pulling half the blanket over herself. ‘I knew you’d be mad, but like I said, I was worried about you. It took me ages to persuade Mark to do it and in the end he skirted round it so much, I spoke to Robbie myself.’

  My heart skittered as I waited for her to go on. She looked at me.

  ‘He wasn’t happy.’ A little ray of hope shone into my heavy heart. If Robbie was unhappy, maybe that meant…

  ‘Basically, he told me to mind my own business.’

  ‘Oh.’ My heart darkened again.

  ‘He did tell me you and he had broken up though.’

  ‘Did he give you the reason?’

  ‘No, and I didn’t have the guts to press him…he can be quite intimidating at times.’