I'm Still Here

by Kathryn R. Biel

  With a matching grin, he took his shirt off.

  I grabbed his face in both of my hands as I rose up on my knees to straddle his lap, all without breaking the kiss. I must have Berted as well, because before I knew it, my shirt was off too.

  Oh my.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  I couldn't stop smiling. Yes, it was that good. Both times. We slept in and ate a leisurely continental breakfast. By late morning, we were back in the car, headed south on I-90 again. Despite the catastrophic events in Minnesota, the mood in the car was light. I guess a good romp will do that for you. We chatted, quizzing each other about various things in our pasts. Favorite songs and movies were covered, as well as food and books.

  "Biggest regret?" I asked.

  "Biggest regret or mistake?"

  "Are they two different things?"

  He paused, mulling it over for a moment or two. "I was engaged a few years ago."

  "Do you regret not getting married?"

  "No, not at all. Cathy and I had dated since college. She stuck with me all through med school. I was dragging my feet about committing to her. I pushed out getting engaged, and then insisted on a long engagement. I used the excuse that I was trying to finish medical school. And then I was beginning residency. Money was tight. I didn't want to spend the money on a big wedding."

  "How long were you together?"

  "In total, eight years."

  "Ouch."

  "I know. I knew for a long time that Cathy was not the right person for me, but it was easy and comfortable. She was there; she got along with my family. I loved her, but knew I wasn't in love with her."

  "Did she know that?"

  "I want to believe on some level she did, but I don't think so. If she knew, then it would excuse how I acted, but in all honesty, nothing can excuse what I did."

  "What did you do?" I hoped it was not something that was a deal breaker for me. I liked him, and I did not want this thing to end before it really started.

  "I cheated on Cathy. I knew it was wrong, but I justified it by, well, I lied to myself to make me feel better. That way, when she found out, she called it off and it wasn't my fault. I could blame her."

  "You blamed her for your cheating?"

  "No, I could blame her for calling off the wedding and breaking up with me. I wish that I had been adult enough to end things without having to resort to cheating. I knew that she would not be able to live with it, so I think that's why I did it."

  "Wow."

  "I will forever feel badly that I did that. I should have just been honest with Cathy and myself and ended things."

  "Yeah, you should have."

  "Thanks for the support. What about you? Biggest mistake and regret."

  "For me, they are two different things. Biggest mistake was marrying Dickie. It was right after Aster disappeared. Things were awful. Simply awful. I think I thought Dickie would rescue me from the chaos in my life and take me away from it all and I could be part of a family."

  "Was he not a knight in shining armor?"

  "Um, no. He was a whack-job. A religious zealot who actually believed the malarkey that spewed from his mouth. He told me that Aster had been sick because the devil was in her heart. And that she was being punished for my parents' sins."

  "He did not say that."

  "Yes he did. I have never been a violent person, and I found myself wanting to punch him. All the time."

  "Why did you marry him?"

  I shrugged. "It was impulsive. It was stupid. I was looking to escape. I wanted someone to take care of me."

  "But that's not your biggest regret?"

  "No," I said quietly.

  There was silence as I tried to gather the strength to say what I had to say.

  "When Aster went missing, and there was the note and everything, and even the police said that she was gone, I was relieved. I will always regret that the first thing that crossed my mind was relief. I was relieved for me and my family that we wouldn't have to ride the Aster roller coaster anymore. I was relieved for Aster that she was no longer tormented. But mostly, I was relieved that I would no longer have to deal with all the shit she put me through. What kind of person is relieved that her sister, her twin, has killed herself? I regret that I am that kind of person."

  "You can't regret that you felt relief. I'm sure dealing with Aster on a daily basis was draining and taxing."

  "You have no idea. It was my life. Every day was spent putting out the fires that she started, or just keeping her going. I never knew who she was going to be when she walked through the door, and it was exhausting. Sometimes I marvel that I was able to finish school. I never knew what each day would bring."

  "Where did you go?"

  I could tell he was changing the subject to help me feel better. I let him lead me. "I did my undergrad at Winona State. I stayed at home when I was there. By the time I was done, I needed to get away, so I went to Minnesota for grad school. It was the first time I was away from Aster."

  "What was she doing?"

  "Who knows? Drugs. Singing in a band. Working in a gas station. It was terrible, but I had to get away. I think if I hadn't I never would have gotten out. I think she would have sucked me down with her."

  "I think the only thing you should regret is that you didn't leave her sooner."

  "Why would you say that?"

  "She was the sick one, not you. Her illness overtook your life. You are lucky that you were able to persevere through all of it to get your education."

  "I don't see it that way. If my sister had had cancer, I would not have wanted to run away. I would have stayed by her side, donating whatever body parts she needed, taking her to treatments. I would have fought with her, not against her."

  "It's not the same thing."

  "How can you say that? You're a doctor. How can you not see that people with mental illness are just as sick as someone with cancer?"

  "I don't disagree at all. But it's not the same thing because if Aster had had cancer, everyone would have admitted it and faced it. Aster would have sought treatment, and the family would have pulled together to collaborate and do everything to help Aster beat it, right?"

  "I guess," I shrugged.

  "I would guess, especially seeing your family assembled at the hospital for your dad, that if Aster had a traditional illness, no one would have denied that it was there. One of the most frustrating things about treating mental illness is that it is such an uphill battle for people to even admit that it is present."

  "You're right."

  "Of course I am." I looked at him to see if he was really being that smug. He was laughing.

  "I think if you want this relationship to work, then you need to admit that I'm usually right." Oh shit, I just said we were in a relationship. What if that totally freaked him out and scared him off?

  "Yes, dear."

  So did that mean we were in a relationship? I would think so. Right? I playfully slapped him on the arm and sank back into my seat. After a minute I said, "You know, sometimes I hated her. I mean, I loved her more than anything, but I hated who she turned into after she got sick. I just wanted the old Aster to come through the door. What kind of person hates her sister for being sick?"

  "You want to know what my over-priced shrink would say?" Without waiting for an answer he continued. "You didn't hate Aster. You loved her. You still do. You hated the disease. You hated that she was sick. But there was nothing anyone could do about her getting sick. You couldn't control it. So, you got mad at Aster."

  "Why did she have to get so sick? Why did she have to leave me? I would have helped her through it. I was too selfish, only thinking about me and my needs. If I had known that she was going to kill herself—well, I would have stayed. School could've waited. She couldn't."

  With those words hanging in the air, I fiddled with the radio until a halfway decent station came in. I sang along with the song, almost not realizing I was doing it. I was so used to being in the car by my
self. Singing along was a stress reducer for me, especially when I was working. Most of the time, I wasn't even aware that I was singing.

  After a song or two, O.K. asked, "So when do you make your official debut with the band?"

  "Saturday night." I paused. "Oh crap, what day is it?"

  "It's Thursday."

  "Oh, God, is that it? This seems like it's been the longest week."

  "I guess it probably has been for you."

  "I feel like the days have been about forty-two hours long each. I should call Albert and touch base. I think we're supposed to rehearse tomorrow night."

  "Are you nervous?"

  "No. Maybe. A little."

  "I would think it'd be natural to be a little nervous."

  "I'm partly nervous about the performing, but I think I'm more nervous because of what happened last time."

  "Rob said you killed it."

  "Oh, I did. I was awesome. Obviously, it got me the gig."

  "I see that humility is a strength as well."

  "Shut it. You know I'm kidding. Didn't Rob tell you what happened after?"

  "No, he didn't indicate that anything had gone wrong."

  "Not wrong, per se, but, well, I don't know how to say this without sounding crazy so bear with me. When I finished the second song, I looked up, and I swore I saw Aster standing at the back of the bar. I tore out of there, trying to catch up with her, but she was gone. I didn't tell Rob what I saw, but it was hard to cover up tearing out of there like my pants were on fire."

  "Holy shit."

  "Yeah, I know. That's what convinced me that I was starting to lose it."

  "I don't think you are. You know that."

  "How else can you explain it?"

  "Do you believe in spiritual connections?"

  "Ghosts?"

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  "Yeah, no. I don't believe in ghosts. I'd like to believe that there is an afterlife, but I don't think people hang out in between planes of existence to complete unfinished business or communicate with loved ones." I could not hide the disgust in my voice. Just thinking about the thousands of dollars Cheryl had spent trying to get a message from the great beyond angered me.

  "Just throwing it out there. I didn't mean to offend."

  "No. We've been down that road. Again and again. Let's put it this way—none of the mediums, psychics or quacks that Cheryl paid was able to communicate with Aster. I can't tell you how many ridiculous Tarot card readings I've been to. I had to draw the line when Cheryl wanted to start doing online Tarot card readings."

  "Gotcha. I won't bring it up again. Maybe in times of high stress, you connect to her. Obviously, you were thinking about her when you were singing, right? She was definitely in your conscious mind. Then, combined with the adrenaline rush from singing, you thought you saw her."

  "That's the most plausible, reasonable explanation I've heard so far. Okay, you can stay." I smiled at him. I really did like him. He was on my side. It was nice.

  He returned the smile. "That's good, because you're in my car, and we're still not even to Dayton yet. We have about two hours left. I hope you can put up with me that long."

  "I'm surprised you still want to be with me after all the drama. I swear my life is usually pretty quiet. I usually keep all the drama at work. I see enough of it there."

  "Yeah, I can imagine."

  "I couldn't even imagine some of the horrors that I would encounter before I got into the field. I just wanted to help families like mine who so needed help."

  We talked about work and how boring our lives really were for the rest of the trip. The time sped by, and before I knew it we were parking in front of my apartment. O.K. carried my bag up to my apartment as I fumbled with the keys to unlock the door. Even though it had only been a little over a day, I felt like we had been together for weeks. We just fit together right.

  The apartment looked the same as it had when I left. But I was different. For the first time in a very long time, I did not feel alone. O.K. had given me the feeling of belonging that I had sought since Aster had vanished from my life. I turned to him and gave him a hug. He let me stand there, holding onto him. But even more, he was holding me back.

  "Do you want to stay?"

  He leaned in and gave me a kiss. It started soft and tender, but quickly grew more passionate. Finally, he broke away. We were both panting a bit.

  "I would love to stay, but ..."

  Just when I was getting comfortable, he drops this on me? What the heck? Did I totally misinterpret the whole relationship thing? Crap, I was that psycho girl. Time to back peddle. "You don't need to come up with an excuse. If you don't want to stay, you don't have to. What I don't need is an excuse or a lie. Please be honest, and we'll be fine. Obviously, it won't be the worst thing I've ever heard."

  "I want to stay, but I think I should go home. I have a feeling we're going to be spending most of our nights together. I'm going to take this one last night to get my shit together."

  I tried not to let my disappointment show. I asked him to be honest, and he had been.

  "And by getting my shit together, I mean I need to clean my house so that you can come over and not be afraid to use the toilet."

  "Oh, so your literal shit."

  "Yes, pretty much. And I need to catch up on laundry, since I have a large collection of clothes with Berts on them. I now know how much that bothers you."

  "If you recall, it bothered me when it was on the shirt your were wearing. I felt the need to remove the shirt. I think that worked out very well. At least it did from my standpoint."

  "Now that you mention it, I think I should not do my laundry, if that's going to be your reaction."

  "Oh, look at that—" I took a step back and pointed at his shirt. "I think you may have Berted again."

  He looked down at his impeccably clean shirt. "No, I'm fine. But you, my dear, are a terrible mess. I think we need to remedy that right now."

  "What did you have in mind?"

  O.K. was playing with the bottom of my shirt, running his fingers along the bottom hem. "Look at this. You're all wrinkled."

  I held my arms tight at my side. This was fun. I knew I had a shit-eating grin on my face. "I think my shirt looks completely fine."

  "No, it is really wrinkled. And perhaps a little dirty. I think this needs to go in your laundry, stat." His hands were busy underneath my shirt, running up and down my back. He leaned in, kissing my neck. In between kisses, he said, "Yeah, I think you really need to get out of these clothes."

  I tried to resist but his kisses and hands and body pressed up against mine were making me weak in the knees. "I think I'm okay for now."

  O.K. pulled back. "Quick, pretend your choking!"

  "What?"

  "You know," he said, and motioned, putting his arms up above his head.

  "Only because you're cute." I lifted my arms above my head and before I knew it, my shirt was off. As was my bra. And then the rest of my clothes.

  After, I pulled a throw blanket off the back of the couch to cover us. We had somehow managed to get over to my super-comfy white couch, which was a lot more comfortable than the hallway. Actually, against the wall in the hallway had started off very, very good, but my coordination (or lack thereof) won over and after falling, we decided that moving to an alternate location would be a better idea. I laid there in O.K.'s arms, stroking his arm with my fingers.

  "I thought you didn't want to stay."

  "I didn't say that I didn't want to stay. I said that I should probably go to take care of stuff at home. I also said that I thought we'd be spending most nights together."

  "I guess I can get on board with that."

  From across the apartment, O.K.'s phone started chirping. He got up, retrieved his discarded boxer briefs from the floor and donned them, before walking a bit further to find his phone in the pocket of his blue jeans.

  "Everything alright?"

  "Yeah," he said distractedly, as he began text
ing. After a moment, he looked up. "This is not my weekend on, and I asked a colleague to take my shift earlier in the week so I could be off. That colleague is now asking me if I can take their shift tomorrow night. Is that alright with you?"

  "I have to practice with The Rusty Buckets tomorrow, so I'm not going to be around for most of the night anyway."

  He quickly texted back and returned the phone to his pocket. He pulled his jeans on and ran his fingers through his hair. "So I don't want you giving me shit about avoiding you tomorrow night when I have to work." He smiled.

  "I won't. I promise. We're hanging out. No big deal. You don't owe me anything past this moment."

  He looked hurt. "Esther, why do you keep doing this? Why do you keep selling us short? Obviously, I'm here. I want to be here. I saw the crazy family. I get it. It's not going to scare me away. I want you and I want to be with you. For real and for serious."

  "I'm sorry I keep doing that. I don't mean to, and I don't mean to keep playing the pity card. Prior to six weeks ago, I was pretty normal. This whole Aster thing has turned my world on its axis. Funny, she's wreaking as much havoc in death as she did in life."

  "Just don't keep doing it. I'm too old to keep having the same fights."

  "Good, me too. I will do my very best not to keep acting like a psycho-hose beast. Now, sort of on the same subject, but somewhat different ..."

  "I can't even begin to understand what you mean by that."

  I laughed. I was up and walking around my apartment, collecting my clothing. I went into my room and pulled on clean underwear and a robe. "What started this whole—" I gestured between us "—thing was that comment about you having to work. I think you've been pretty upfront about how much you work. I'm fine with that. I take call periodically as well, and now I have this band thing. I don't know how much time that's going to take up."

  "So what you're saying is that you don't have time for me?"

  "So now you're giving me a hard time?" I picked up my shirt and threw it at him. He caught it midair and laughed.

  "It's just so fun to rile you up."

  "So where does this leave us?"

  "We're busy people, but we like being together, so we're going to do what we can so that we can do what we just did."