Finally, I looked through the tears that my laughter had produced to see Kingston just staring at me. He was so not amused. That sobered me up quickly.
"Esther, this is serious."
I nodded, wiping the tears off my cheeks. "I know it is."
"No, I don't think you do." His tone was condescending and it immediately got under my skin.
"Yes, Kingston, I am acutely aware of how serious this situation is." I couldn't keep the smirk off my face when I said it. There was that smart-alecky mouth that Cheryl so hated.
His rage continued to build. Wow, he was really angry with me. "Really?" he shouted.
I stood up and stepped close to him, so I was only about three inches from him. "Really. Because I feel that I am very aware that I am brain damaged with possibly no hope of any further recovery. I cannot do my job and as such I'm living on public assistance, living with a boyfriend that I don't remember. I am aware of how tired I am all the time. So tired in fact that I fell asleep in a sandwich shop today until I was thrown out after being mistaken for a drug-addicted, homeless bum. Which, I appear to be, even though I'm not. But this was after I confronted my sister, but before I was confronted by my mother who basically said that she hated the fact that I had ever been born and as such, deserved all that had happened to me. And then my father came out and reiterated that I was dead to him. And all of this was witnessed by my sister's boyfriend, who I had actually dated first, but he passed me over because I freaked out on our date because I thought I saw my dead sister who wasn't really dead, but was just pretending to be, just to apparently fuck me over some more. Which she did, which brings me full circle to the brain injury thing. So yes, Kingston, I am very aware that I cannot even go anywhere by myself without help. I am aware that I have lost absolutely everything in my life, including my family, who never wanted me from the moment I entered this earth. So, to answer you, yes, I know how serious this is."
We stood there, virtually nose to nose, staring each other down. My chest has heaving up and down from the tirade. The moment stretched out, but dammit, I would not be the first to turn away. And then before I knew it, Kingston's hands were on my cheeks and his mouth was crashing down on mine. It was intense and frenetic and so powerful. My arms circled around his back as our bodies pressed together. Oh my God, I literally felt weak in the knees. I tightened my grasp on him to hold myself up, pushing my breasts against his chest. My mind may not have known Kingston, but my body certainly did. Oh God, I needed this. I needed him. A soft moan escaped my mouth. That was all the encouragement he needed. His mouth traveled down to my chin and then my neck as his hands found the hem of my shirt. He made quick work of taking it off and then I eagerly tugged at his sweater. In that moment, my body was humming with anticipation, and I hoped it was going to be good. His hands trailed down my sides, easily encircling my thinned frame. His hands could now span my back. Feeling his hands there, all I could think of was how all of my vertebrae were now sticking out. Dread washed over me like a cold shower. How could he like feeling that?
And with that, I lost it. My hands had been on his firm chest, and I used them to push him back. "Stop, no."
His molten chocolate eyes showed his confusion. "Stop, no, what?"
I was out of breath from all that kissing. Panting, I gestured with a circular motion between our two bodies. "This."
Kingston tried to close the gap between us, but I took a step backward and held my arm out to maintain some space. "Esther, what's wrong? Don't you want this?"
I bent down and grabbed my shirt. "No," I said as I fumbled with the cloth, trying but failing to right it. I clutched the useless fabric, trying to cover my breasts. "I don't ... I can't ..."
"You can't what?" he closed the distance between us and engulfed me in his arms, pinning my arms to my chest and in between us. He bent in to kiss me again and I turned my head. "Kingston, please don't."
He released me and stepped back. "Esther, why not?"
I shook my head. "I can't be your pity fuck. I know I've sunk pretty low, but I can't sink that low. I need to hold onto that tiny scrap of dignity."
He angrily bent down and in a swift movement, put his shirt back on. "How can you honestly even think that, let alone say that out loud to me?"
I had finally managed to get my shirt back on, and I sank wearily down on the couch. All of the adrenaline rushes today were really taking it out of me. Without being able to control it, my eyes started leaking. Dammit, I did not want to cry in front of Kingston.
"Esther, I asked you a question. Answer me!" Shit he was now madder than before the whole almost-sex thing.
I swallowed, wishing I had some water. But the kitchen seemed too far away to get up and get a drink.
Quietly, I finally started. "Kingston, how can you want me? How can you want this?" I asked as I gestured up and down my body. "I'm a bag of bones right now. I look like I'm wearing a Bozo the Clown Afro wig. I bring all the appealing things that come with brain damage. I'm pretty much penniless. I have utterly no redeeming value. My own mother doesn't want or love me. How can you?"
Wearily, he sank down next to me on the couch. I played with the hunter green fabric while I waited for his answer, partially wishing the couch would swallow me whole.
"Esther, I know how you can think all those things. I get it. But it's not real."
"What do you mean, it's not real?"
"None of those things are who you are, Esther. Yes, you've been ill and are recovering. I don't think you understand what I've been through since the night of the accident. I watched you go down. I watched your head bounce off that curb and I couldn't get to you in time. I thought over and over that I was going to lose you. I had just found you, and I was going to lose you. I've been looking for you my whole life, and then you woke up and didn't know who I was. I tried to stay away but I couldn't. I don't care if I have to take care of you every single day for the rest of your life. I just need to be with you. I almost lost you once and I will not do it again."
After letting his words sink in I said, "That's why you got so upset today."
He swallowed hard. "I went to pick you up at therapy and they said you had cancelled all your sessions today. I had no idea where you were or if anything had happened to you."
"I forgot you were supposed to pick me up." Stupid attention deficit disorder. I was still staring straight ahead, but I could feel him looking at me. Slowly, I turned to look at him. He looked as tired as I felt. "I didn't mean to worry you. I'm sorry. I'm not used to anyone looking after me or missing me when I'm gone."
"I can't go through losing you again."
His chocolate eyes were melting my heart. God, what had I done to deserve this man? "Why?"
"What do you mean?"
"Kingston, why do you want me? Why can't you lose me again?" I was not trying to be dense. I was trying to process what he was saying.
He grabbed my hands and held them tightly. "Because I love you."
"You do?"
"Of course I do. I've told you that. I think I fell in love with you when I pulled you out of your car. I've been such a basket case without you. You bring purpose to my days. I know you don't know how you feel about me, and that is okay. I can wait. But you need to know that I love you. And that you are lovable and deserving of love. And there is no pity in any way shape or form."
That was all it took. This time, I lunged onto him, pushing him back on the couch and claiming his mouth with mine, as he had claimed my heart.
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
We were lying on the living room floor, partially covered in my blanket from the back of the couch. I had purchased it because it was so soft and plush. Now it felt sensual against my bare skin that was still on fire from Kingston's touch. I was resting my head on Kingston's chest, basking in the afterglow. He was lazily running his fingers up and down my bony spine. I hated that I was practically skeletal, but if it didn't bother him, then it shouldn't bother me.
"I'm glad we go
t that all straightened out," he said while kissing the top of my head.
"Yeah, once again, I'm sorry. Up until just now, the day was so colossally bad. I just can't even believe my parents were at Aster's. That was so unexpected, but then again so was all this."
"I agree that when I spent the afternoon looking for you, this was not exactly what I had in mind. But on the other hand, it has been a bit challenging having you here, not sleeping in my bed and not being able to make love to you."
"I didn't know you wanted to. I mean, I guess I figured that we had done ... it ... before, but I didn't see any way that you could still possibly want me."
"Esther, why wouldn't I want you? You're beautiful and funny. You are without a doubt the strongest woman, no, person, I know. You are caring and compassionate. You are sexy and smart and resilient."
"I am none of those things. Just ask my mother."
"You're every single one of those things and more."
I was silent. I propped myself up on my elbow and looked at him. "How can a person's own mother not love them. I mean, I always knew that she loved Aster more, but it was okay because everyone loved Aster more. I always thought she loved me, at least a little. I honestly had no idea that she hated me that much. I don't know where it came from. It's new for her. Of course, I haven't talked to her in several years."
Kingston was silent. I mean, even when you're in the midst of post-coital bliss, it's hard to find words for that one.
"Know what's funny? The whole time she was going off on me, all I could think was, 'Man, she looks terrible.' I mean, she does. And she was ranting and raving like a crazy person. About how my negative energy was repelled back on me by Aster's positive energy and that is what caused my head injury. Crazy. Just crazy."
"Yes, she probably is. Didn't you say she has done a lot of drugs?"
"Yeah, she has. I don't think she ever stopped smoking weed, but I think she's off the hard stuff."
"What kind of hard stuff?"
"Oh, I think she did a fair amount of acid and quaaludes back in the day."
"That would explain it."
"Explain what?"
"Long-term cannabis use can definitely cause brain damage. LSD not so much, unless she's schizophrenic, and then it can exacerbate the symptoms tremendously."
"You think she might be schizophrenic?"
"Who knows at this point, because long-term marijuana use can cause brain changes that mimic schizophrenia. Either way, she's not right in the head."
"You say that with a high degree of certainty."
"I met her, Esther. When you were in the hospital."
"Oh, that's right. They were still there when I was in rehab too, right? You were fighting with them? Did we talk about this before? Sorry if I'm repeating myself."
"Yeah, we did talk about it. It was that day I ran into you."
"So, you weren't overly impressed with them then, huh?"
"Not so much. Charlie really stood up for you and fought to keep Cheryl and Dean from getting power of attorney."
A shiver ran through me. Kingston pulled the blanket up to cover more of me. "That would have been terrible."
"Yes it would have." His voice was grave.
"You know, I've called Charlie, but she hasn't called me back."
"I can't justify her actions, but I do know it was very hard on her taking your side. She took it because it was the right thing to do, but Cheryl and Dean were vicious in their treatment of her as a result."
"I don't think she's going to stand up to them."
"Probably not."
"So I might never actually talk to her again." Saying it aloud made it real and was a bit shocking to me.
"Esther, I think you need to think that way. She crumbled when they started attacking her. I don't think she can stand up to them. She's not strong enough. Not like you."
"Wow, they really don't want me to have any family, do they?"
"You have me, and my family. You have Jillian. We'll take care of you."
"I don't want to be taken care of." I stuck my lip out, perhaps a little bit.
"I know you don't, and you may not believe this, but you are truly very lucky. This could have been so much worse. You could have died or been so much more incapacitated."
"I could have been a vegetable."
"Yes, you could have."
"But I'm not. I mean, sometimes I can't find words or the wrong ones come out. Sometimes, I don't even realize I'm speaking my thoughts. I'm very distracted, which kills me because I used to be very organized and able to focus. Okay, well not very organized, but somewhat at least. And now I'm always so tired."
"Well, we've got to fatten you up." He started to get up. I rolled over and let him up. "Why don't you go take a shower while I make you something to eat?"
"You can cook?"
"I can make eggs, so that's what we're going to have."
I laughed. Surprisingly, breakfast for dinner sounded great. My stomach growled in anticipation. "Sounds great." I got to my feet, slowly, because that's how I did everything these days. "I'll be back in a few."
The shower made me feel slightly better, but I was still exhausted. I put on my favorite pink penguin pajamas, ran my fingers through my short damp curls and went back downstairs. I have to say, the shorter hair was definitely easier to take care of, and I never had to worry what it looked like, since it was always equally bad. When my hair was longer, I never knew on any given day what the curl was going to do and just had to go with it. I promised myself that when my hair grew in, I would never, ever curse it again. I would love every single wild and unruly strand.
"Smells good in here."
Kingston stopped and froze, spatula mid-air. A wide smile broke out on his face.
"What's so amusing?"
"Your pajamas."
I looked down. I knew they were childish, but I loved them.
"It's a good thing we already, um, did what we did."
I crinkled my brow. I had no idea where he was going with this. "Me too, but why, and what on earth do my pajamas have to do with that?"
His smile turned sad. "You don't remember, of course. When we were on our way home from Minnesota, in the hotel in Madison, was when we first, um ..."
"Had sex?"
"I was going to say made love, but it sounded corny, even in my own head. So yeah, you were wearing those pajamas, but not for long."
"This is so weird, hearing about things that we did, but that I don't remember. It is very disconcerting, frankly." I paused. I guess there was no other way to say it. "Was it good?"
He walked over and kissed me. "Yes, Esther, it was always good and it will always be good. Tonight was just the beginning."
"I think my eggs are burning."
A brief look of discomfort crossed his face. Dammit. A girl should never mention eggs right after having sex. "I meant my eggs, as in dinner, are burning."
He laughed, a deep throaty laugh and darted back to the stove. With a flash and a flourish, he deposited my omelet on a paper plate and slid it onto the island towards me. I corralled the plate and smiled. "You know, I still owe you a set of dishes. Tell me what you want and I'll get your replacements."
"You don't have to do that. We can get yours out of storage."
"Oh, that's right. I have some too." I wrinkled my brow in thought. "Why, then, have we been eating off paper plates for two weeks?"
He walked around and sat down next to me. "Because there are more important things than our plates." He reached over and tapped my nose. "Like your well being."
I had just shoveled another forkful of the light and fluffy omelet into my mouth. Without any couth or manners, I spoke, "I think things are starting to look up." And then I winked at him.
Kingston smiled at me. "This is the most relaxed I've seen you since the accident."
"A good orgasm will do that to a girl."
Kingston choked on the drink of milk that he had just taken. I don't think I had ever seen
a grown man drink milk before. With his bed head and the big glass of milk, he looked like a little kid. And totally adorable. I started laughing at him spluttering and coughing, knowing that he wasn't really choking.
"No, seriously, I think confronting everyone today really helped. And now I can move on. I'm still not sure if Aster will be in my life. I know she is the one person in my family who actually wants me, but I just don't know if I can do it. I now know that I have nothing to do with the rest of my family, but I'm okay with that. Well, except Charlie, but I'll deal with it."
"Are you really okay?"
I considered for a moment while I took another bite and chewed. "You know, I think I am. I still have a lot of work to do to get back my life."
"Do you want your old life back?"
"Why wouldn't I?" I looked at him. "What are you saying? What was wrong with my life?"
"No, nothing, and I know you were very good at your job. But you worked so very hard and, well, frankly the pay sucks. And you know you were doing that to make amends to Aster, but you don't really need to do that anymore."
"No, I did the job to help families that were messed up, like I wish someone had been there to help my family. Today, more than ever, shows me that I'm in the right field. Maybe not the right job, but the right field."
"Okay, valid points."
I smiled at him. "I know you want to take care of me, and I appreciate that. It is difficult for me, because I am used to being the caregiver. So, bear with me when I'm a bear."
"Only if I can see you bare."
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
"So, you're sure you're up to this?" The concern was apparent in Albert's eyes.
I'm Still Here Page 22