"Yeah, I’m fine. I mean, I get tired still, but I think I'm up to it."
"The gig is New Year's Eve. That gives us three weeks to practice. But, we'd probably need to practice two to three times a week. Is that too much?"
"Albert, I'm going stir crazy here. I'm still not back to work, and most of my therapy is done. I sit around all day, just thinking. I need to get out of my own head. Rehearsing for a gig would be the perfect distraction."
"Cool, Red. Glad you're back." He gave me a firm pat on the shoulder. I threw my arms around him and hugged him tightly. After a moment, I released him.
"Al, I never said thank you."
"What for?"
"That day, when you came to visit me in rehab. The music—the singing. That is what unlocked my speech. I don't know how or why, but you gave me back my ability to speak. So, thank you."
He blushed. "Anything for you, Red."
"Am I making you uncomfortable?"
He laughed. "Yeah, I'm terrible at emotional crap. Ask Jules. That's why I sing—so I can get it all out that way."
"Sounds reasonable." I paused. "You ever think about writing your own songs?"
Albert looked down, and rubbed his chin. He seemed a million miles away. "Yeah, I've been working on some new material."
"I'd love to hear it someday." I said hopefully.
"When it's ready, I'll let you hear it."
"I'm holding you to it." I playfully hit him on the shoulder.
Pauly and Jugs banged into the room, a clichéd repurposed garage, ready for rehearsal. I tried to help them set up the equipment, but they all shooed me away, insisting I sit on the old worn flowered couch that had probably seen its best days around 1982.
Jules came in and barely glanced at me. I had tried to be friendly to her when I first arrived but got the distinct impression that she did not like me. This was something I couldn't deal with. There was too much other shit I was going through right now. "Hey, Jules, how's it going?"
She glanced at me and sort of grunted in my general direction. Okay, time to try another approach.
"Jules, can I speak to you inside the house for a minute?"
She rolled her eyes, but followed me into the house. The temperature was about fifteen degrees warmer in the kitchen. Drew had installed some portable heaters in the garage, but it was still December. I rubbed my hands together and tried to get them warm. I opened up a cabinet, found the glasses and poured myself some water from the tap. I drank it down, feeling parched at the thought of confronting Jules.
"What?"
Okay, so I guess we could skip all the pleasantries and formalities.
I swallowed the rest of the water and put the cup in the sink. I turned to face Jules, who was leaning on the counter at the opposite end of the kitchen. "I know you don't like me, but I don't know why. I don't know what I ever did to you. Did something happen that I don't remember? If so, I'm sorry."
She just looked at me. "You really don't see it, do you?"
"See what?"
"You and Albert."
"You know there is no 'me and Albert.' We are in a band together. We sing together. That is it. That is all."
"But I see how he is with you." Her fingernails flicked the laminated edges of the counter. Drumming impatiently, waiting for my reply.
"Jules, I know that the two of you are married. I respect that. Not to mention that I'm in a relationship myself."
She looked down at her shoes. "It's hard, you know? Watching the two of you together on stage."
"But on stage is all it is. Yes, we have an incredible connection when we're singing. And, I do feel very close to Albert. He's the one who really helped me get talking again." She looked at me blankly. Obviously she didn't know about his visit. "He came to see me in rehab. I couldn't really speak, and it was killing me. He brought his guitar and we sang a few songs together. Then, it was like someone flipped a switch and I could speak again, for the most part. And for that, I will be forever grateful. And forever bonded."
"That makes me even more nervous."
"Jules, I know you don't know me, but you have to know that I would never ever come between the two of you. I have the utmost respect for marriage. And I would not do anything to jeopardize my relationship with Kingston. He is all I have in this world."
"I guess."
"You guess what?"
"I guess what you're saying makes sense. It's just, I, uh, I see the two of you on stage together and I'm just so jealous. And after, he always wants to ... you know ... and I can't help but wonder if he's thinking about you, not me."
"I don't know. I can't say. I don't remember my one and only gig. I wish I did. I heard it was great."
"It pains me to say it, but it was."
"I don't know if this will make you feel any better or not, but I have no memory from about two months before my head injury. When Albert came to visit me, I only knew who he was because my friend Jillian had shown me the videos of our show. I didn't know his name and was referring to him in my head as Mr. Clean."
Jules laughed. "Oh, I would have paid to see his reaction when you called him that."
"I couldn't speak, which was a good thing. Now, since my speech has returned, I sometimes say my thoughts out loud. Gets pretty embarrassing."
"I can imagine."
"So, we good?"
She sighed. "I guess. At least now I know that you won't make a move on Albert. I guess you can't control his reaction toward you."
The door between the kitchen and the garage opened and Drew stuck his head in. "Are you ladies planning on joining us at some point this evening?"
As we returned to the garage and started practice, I felt finally that another part of my life was clicking into place. I knew Jules and I would never be besties, and I could be okay with that. I would have to ask Kingston at some point if he got a similar vibe from Albert and me. I couldn't help the chemistry we had on stage. I just knew I needed to be singing right now as part of my recovery. It gave me a purpose and inspiration. Singing empowered me. It was the one time when I felt confident and powerful. It was the only time that I felt like I fit in and belonged, since I never even felt that way with my own family. I needed this to reclaim my life.
Wiping the sweat from my brow, I finished the last note of the last song. There had been some rough songs and some stuff that definitely needed work, but we'd be ready for the New Year's Eve gig. We were trying to really mix up the set list, with a variety of music to reach the most people. Being New Year's, we added some slower stuff, in case people wanted to dance. Somehow, having the mike in my hand, my world felt balanced. And not saying that there was anything to Jules' concerns, but singing with Albert did make me feel sexy. If I wasn't so tired, I'd plan on jumping Kingston's bones as soon as we got home.
I texted Kingston that we were all done, and then helped the guys pack everything up. Twenty minutes later, I still hadn't heard from Kingston. Shit, how was I going to get home? It was after eleven, so I didn't feel right calling Jillian. Albert and Jules were the first to take off, and hell would have frozen over before I asked for a ride from them. Pauly and Jugs drifted off and Drew opened his sixth beer of the night. Shit. What was I going to do?
I was sitting on Drew's front step, freezing my tail off in the clear, cold December night. I should go back inside and call a taxi. I couldn't believe that Kingston let me down like this. He was always there, coming through for me when I needed him. I guess it shouldn't surprise me though. Everyone else in my life eventually let me down. I don't know why I was surprised that Kingston was following suit. The cold from the cement was seeping though my jeans and acted as a catalyst for my anger.
Lost in my own pity reverie, I didn't notice the black BMW pull up. "Hey! What are you doing sitting outside? Aren't you freezing?"
Seriously?
"You gonna sit there all night or get in the car?"
"Do I have a choice?" I said through gritted teeth.
I could see
Rob smiling at me through the rolled-down window. Damn, he was hot when he smiled like that. Shit, I couldn't think about that. He was in love with my sister who I hated. Oh, yeah and I had a boyfriend. Speaking of which, where the hell is he? Why didn't he come to pick me up like we'd planned? Oh no, maybe he was sick of me. Maybe he was tired of me being so needy. I mean, I'd be sick of carting my brain-damaged ass around by now too. Maybe he was over me and was going to disappear from my life, just like Aster did.
"Esther, you look like you're doing advanced calculus in your head right now. You gonna get in or what?"
"I guess," I mumbled, making my way slowly off the concrete steps and towards Rob's car. The car was nice and toasty and the seat warmers had the soft leather a welcoming temperature on my tushy. I couldn't help but melt into the leather like butter. "Aaahhh. That feels so good. I think I'm in love with your seats and seat warmers a bit."
I heard Rob laughing. "Aster is the same way. I swear, I think if we ever break up, she's going to fight me for the car."
The mention of Aster's name had me instantly tensed up again. Even though Rob had bailed me out at least twice (although I think there was another time during the time that I couldn't remember), I couldn't let my guard down with him. After all, he was in love with Aster and therefore the enemy. I sat up stiffly and said, "Thank you for the ride. I was not expecting to see you."
"Yeah, O.K. called me, frantic. He got called into surgery. I guess his mom's best friend broke her hip or something, and he felt he had to do the surgery. He called me from the O.R. to see if I would come and get you. He didn't want you to think he'd abandoned you."
I am such a shit, because that is exactly what I thought.
"Well, thank you for coming to my rescue. Yet again." Why did my boyfriend's best friend have to be in love with my sister? Why couldn't he just be my boyfriend's best friend? Why did he have to be in love with Aster? It made the whole dynamic more intense.
"Esther, for you, anything, anytime." His smile was genuine, but I felt like there was more on his mind. More he wanted to say to me. I was not sure I wanted to hear it. I just wanted to go home and put my head under the covers and come out in about five years. But since that wasn't really an option, I guess I needed to find out what was on Rob's mind.
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
"Rob, can I ask you something?"
"Sure, Es. Like I said, anything for you."
"What's on your mind?"
He stuttered and spluttered, trying to come up with something because I'd caught him off guard, and he didn't want to tell me what he was actually thinking about.
"Rob, I can tell you want to say something, which I assume has to do with Aster, so just spit it all out."
"How did you know?"
"Because I'm good like that. Now stop stalling and spit it out."
He smiled for a brief moment, and then the smiled faded as he started speaking. "She wants to be a part of your life."
"And I want my hair back the way it was and not to have a brain injury. Doesn't mean it's going to happen."
"Esther, listen, she's changed. She's not the irresponsible person she used to be. She really has gotten herself straightened out."
"Well, that's fantastic that she finally got her shit together."
"Esther—"
"No, Rob, don't 'Esther' me. You have no idea what I went through. First, taking care of her, and then mourning and grieving for her when I thought she was dead. Then comes the whole fucked-up-family thing where mine deserts me. And that is before you even get to the brain damage part."
"You're right. I can't possibly know. But she has changed. She wants her sister back."
"Even though I grew up in a family of seven children, I have no siblings and no parents. Can you even imagine what that's like for me?"
There was silence in the car and it hung, thick enough to cut.
"We went there—to Minnesota—for Thanksgiving." Rob said quietly.
Why in God's name would he tell me this? My mouth dropped open in shock. After a moment I recovered and slammed my jaw shut, clenching my teeth so tightly that I thought my teeth might break.
"It was terrible. The most terrible thing I've ever seen."
"Yeah, tell me about it," I muttered bitterly. "No, wait, don't. I had a very pleasant Thanksgiving with Kingston's family. They were nice and civil and didn't treat me like I had the plague. Mrs. C. actually appeared concerned about my health and well being, and sent the most delicious leftovers home with us." That was all true. It was the best Thanksgiving I'd ever had. I loved Kingston's family immediately. They were wacky and eclectic and perfect. Not perfect in the sense of making no mistakes, but full of love and humor and understanding. Just like a family should be.
"I wish I could have been anywhere but with your family."
"The sad thing was part of me missed my family. Not my parents exactly, but talking to Charlie and Veru. I usually at least call them on the holidays."
"Veruca and her family were there. Holy cow. Those kids are wild."
"I know, but Veruca has never even called me since my accident. Charlie flew all the way out here from New York, but I haven't heard from Veru since, gosh, I don't even know when."
"You were talking to her the night we went out."
"I was? Shit, that means I won't remember the last time I ever spoke to her." I paused. "Amnesia sucks."
"Yeah, it does."
I couldn't resist any longer. "So why was dinner so bad? Did Cheryl make the Tofurkey again?"
He shook his head. "No. I wish that was the problem. Aster and your parents got into it. In the middle of Thanksgiving dinner. We ended up walking out."
"Don't tell me they finally realized that their precious Aster is flawed and should be held accountable for her actions?"
He was silent for a minute. We had now reached Kingston's house and were sitting in his driveway. He turned the car off, but still stared straight ahead.
"No, actually it was the opposite. They made this big deal about how their family was complete now that Aster was home. Aster was furious. She called them out on it. On disowning you. On not blaming her. She said that the family was not complete without you."
"And what did they say?"
"Nothing. Cheryl started weeping, begging Aster not to leave. Dean was yelling that this was your fault and that you were no longer welcome."
"Typical. They hate me for being born."
"Aster said that she couldn't believe that they would treat you like this. Aster did say that you were the only one who saw her for who and what she was, and that you were the only one worth coming back for. She said if you weren't part of the family, then neither was she."
You could have knocked me over with a feather. When I was finally able to speak I said quietly, "Really?"
Rob seemed offended. "Yes, really, Esther. I don't know why you are always looking to think the worst of her."
I raised my eyebrow and gave him my best 'Whatcha talkin' 'bout, Willis?' look.
"Okay, okay," he raised his hands in mock defense. "I mean I know about the past, but why can't you believe that she's different? That Aster wants to be different. I wish you knew how hard she works. She takes care of herself. She takes care of Willy. She works at a shelter for women who are just like she was. All she wants to do is make it up to you. She is wracked with guilt over what happened to you. I mean, we were all there. It was sort of a freak accident."
"But I never would have passed out if it had not been for her showing up like that and sending me into shock."
"No, I know. And she knows. She was so scared you were going to die. She kept crying, saying that she had missed her chance with you. That she waited too long to get in touch with you."
"I know. Why did she wait so long?"
"See, Esther, that is something you could ask her."
I thought about it for a minute. Could I? Could I open myself back up and let her in? What about all the times she let me down before? Wha
t about her pretending to be dead for seven years? Well, the rational part of me knew that I really couldn't hold against her things she did when her illness was uncontrolled. And, given my reaction when she reappeared, I guess I could understand why she lived by me but never made her presence known.
"I know I gave you a lot to think about tonight, but, um, are you going to get out of the car?"
"Oh, yeah. Jeez, sorry Rob. I guess I just started thinking and forgot that I needed to get out of the car." I unbuckled my seatbelt and opened the door, letting the brisk December air wake me up and clear my head.
Rob waited as I fumbled my way into the house before he pulled out of the driveway. The house was too quiet, and tired as I was, I doubted I would be able to sleep. I wanted to have a glass of wine, but I was still on lots of medication, so that was a no-no. I wished Kingston were here. He always made me feel better. I had no idea how long he would be in surgery. I couldn't hold it against him for caring about his mom's friend. It was his caring and compassion that I so loved about him. But still, without him, I felt like a caged tiger. I needed him to soothe me. Just being around him had that effect.
I paced around, wandering in and out of rooms before I ended up in the master bath. I decided to draw a bath in the large tub. Maybe that would relax me. While I waited for the water to fill, I went to the room where all my belongings were and pulled out a photo album. I carried it back to Kingston's bedroom and sat on the bed, flipping though the pictures. It was the album I had put together of Aster and me after she disappeared.
I flipped through page after page of Aster and me, smiling, posing awkwardly, laughing. There were the heinous school pictures, where my hair resembled Roseanne Roseannadanna. Even Aster went through a terribly awkward and ugly phase. Of course, the secondhand thrift shop clothes that Cheryl made us wear really didn't help. But we always looked happy together.
I put the album down and went into the bathroom. The bath was ready now, so I stripped down and let myself sink into the water. I put my head back on the cool porcelain and closed my eyes. Images from the album danced through my mind. Aster and I had been together since conception. When she disappeared, it was as if part of my soul had been torn away. It was a raw, open wound that would never heal, no matter how much time had passed. We were two parts of one being. When Aster started getting sick, I felt so helpless. I would have done anything for her. I did everything I could. When she left that note and left, I knew I had failed her. But I hoped she was at peace. She wasn't. She had years of torment still ahead.
I'm Still Here Page 23