I'm Still Here

by Kathryn R. Biel

  I wondered if she felt just as helpless when I was in the hospital. She had, indeed, been in my hospital room. Kingston told me she was there for days initially, until my blood pressure became unstable and they thought I was going to stroke out.

  But even that crisis didn't cause her to relapse. She held it together. So, it seemed now she was at peace. She had a stable job and her illness was controlled. She had a son and apparently took good care of him. And she had renounced our parents. Because of me. Because they didn't accept me. She loved me more than she loved them. She loved me. Period. And I loved her. Aster couldn't stay away from me, any more than I could stay away from her.

  CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN

  I stepped on the stage and walked with confidence. The pants were painted-on leather. The shirt gold sequins. The hair, well, shit, it was still too short for my liking, but I no longer looked like a boy. I could do this. I could so do this. I was gonna send this year out rockin' and rollin' like a badass. Good bye and good riddance.

  Three weeks ago, I could never have imagined the turn my life would take. After the heart-to-heart with Rob got me thinking, I decided that the only way my life would be complete was with Aster in it. When Kingston arrived home in the wee hours of the morning, tired but wired, I was still pruney from my extended bath. I told him about my decision, looking for his approval. Of course he granted it. He really was the perfect man for me. That is not to say he is perfect. Just perfect for me.

  Anyway, I reunited with Aster a few days later amid copious amounts of tears and laughter. And laughter and tears. Within moments it was as if we had never been separated. As if her terrible disease had never torn us apart. I knew that my head injury was a freak accident and I apologized for blaming her for ruining my life. I forgave her for leaving me and she forgave me for being so mad at something she had no control over. I knew she was right. She was sick. And now she was better and so was I.

  We had almost eight years to catch up on, plus I had a nephew to get to know. Seeing Aster with Willy was awe inspiring. She was so in her niche as a mother. I never, ever would have believed it and told her as much. Aster then reminded me about providing for me by giving me the better hair products. My response of, "Yeah, but you stole them!" dissolved us into another round of laughter that turned into tears and apologies. After about three boxes of tissues, and four pounds of chocolate, we emerged from the room where we had holed up, arms around each other and ready to take on the world. Apart, we had been two lost souls, adrift. Together, we were invincible.

  Christmas was challenging for me, since I had little in the way of funds, and I wanted to be able to give back to those who had done so much for me over the past three months. Living with Kingston was a godsend, and I had sold my car, since there was no use in paying the insurance when I had no idea how long it would be before I could drive again. Of course, because I lived with a boyfriend who could technically kick me out at any time (not that he ever would), I was deemed, in the eyes of the government, homeless. Still, disability didn't go that far, and it was going to be expiring soon when I started back to work part time. I was collecting food stamps, so I decided to work the system a bit. Hell, I had seen people do it for years. I baked for my Christmas gifts and let the system pay for it. It felt lame. Especially since I had never been a good baker before. I felt even worse when Aster gave me the most kickass outfit to wear at our New Year's Eve gig. It was a gold sequined tank, black leather leggings (!!!) and the most awesome leopard print ankle boots. The colors worked perfectly for me, as she had known they would. I was starting to put some weight and muscle tone back on, so the leggings were just right. She shrugged off my embarrassment, telling me that my acceptance of her was more of a gift than anything purchased in a store.

  Kingston gave me the most unusual bracelet. It was a hand-crafted bracelet in titanium and copper. It was one large cuff in copper, showing off beautiful oxidized colors, with a titanium band wrapped around it. Of course, I loved it immediately but even more so when Kingston told me that he purposely got me titanium to reflect that I was the strongest person he knew. It was a well-thought-out, symbolic gift. Not to mention that it looked great with the outfit from Aster. I will never figure out how I ended up with him. How in the midst of a run of terrible luck, I was so lucky.

  Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were whirlwinds of activity. We went to Rob's house for Christmas Eve. His parents were visiting from North Dakota and they put on a huge traditional Swedish feast, which included all sorts of dried and cold fish, pickled pigs' feet (blech!), sausages, ham, red cabbage, potatoes, these delightful traditional ginger snap biscuits, and more types of pastries than one could imagine. Mr. and Mrs. Olsson were immediately enraptured with Aster and Willy, who seemed to possess his mother's charm and natural charisma. I already loved my nephew and for the first time ever, wished I had a child of my own.

  Christmas Day was spent with Kingston's family. All nine billion of them. His parents were there, along with his siblings and their families. I loved that he considered his stepsiblings his siblings. They were his family and that was all that mattered to him. There were aunts and uncles and cousins and friends who were like family, including Mrs. Pascale, the woman who had broken her hip the night Rob picked me up. Rob, his parents, Aster and Willy were there too. It was loud and chaotic and crazy and perfect. There were arguments. There were spills. A platter was dropped on the floor and broken. The potatoes were a little undercooked and the roast was little overcooked. And you know what? Not a damn bit of it mattered. The house was filled with people who loved each other and wanted to be together. It was filled with family, even though not many of them were blood related.

  At some point during the day, I finally realized that I was part of that family. Kingston's family. I did not need to grieve for the family that had abandoned me and that did not want me. I had a family right here. True, Kingston and I had not been together that long (and the first part of it I didn't even remember). That didn't seem to matter. Sitting on the floor in his parents' house, twirling my new bracelet around my wrist, I knew I loved him and he loved me. I couldn't see either of us wanting to go anywhere. It wasn't ideal that I had nowhere else to go, but it seemed somewhat fortuitous actually. I had found the love of my life, my twin sister had found me, and I was now part of a family that loved and accepted me for me.

  So, now here it was, New Year's Eve. I would say goodbye to this year which had brought me to Columbus, introduced me to my boyfriend, showed me my sister was still alive, and left me a coma and brain-injury survivor. And I was gonna send the year out singing. Literally.

  I wished I remembered if I had been this nervous the last time I took the stage. From what Albert said, we had rehearsed significantly more for this gig, so I should feel prepared. Right? Nope. I felt like I had to pee. Again and again. I had already gone twice (once before my earpiece was hooked up and once after), and felt the urge again as I took the stage in one of the ballrooms in the Hyatt Regency. We were playing in one of the rooms as part of the "The City is Yours Tonight" celebration. There were DJs and other bands playing. It was mass mobs of people and our room was packed. Holy shit, I've got to pee again.

  I didn't have time to pee though, because Pauly and Jugs were starting to play. I took a deep breath, rolled my shoulders back and strutted onto the stage. "Are you ready to rock, Columbus?" I shouted and was met with a deafening roar. Damn. This was going to be good. I hope. "We are The Rusty Buckets and we're going to be rocking you into 2014!"

  We had planned and prepped for this. We had rehearsed and rehearsed. We had revised our set list over and over, looking for the perfect balance for the diverse crowd that would hear us. We were in the party room, so we would be rocking. And rocking we were. Right from the first song, Albert and I were in synch and playing off each other. The crowd was electric and I felt it too. I easily found Rob in the audience—I guess being 6'4" has that advantage. With him were Aster and Kingston. I gave Kingston a little wink f
or which I was rewarded with one of his heart-melting, stunning white-tooth grins. It was almost enough to make me lose my place in the song.

  I guess maybe Jules had not been that far off in her assessment of Albert post performance. Being on stage gave me a heady rush, made me feel powerful and was definitely a turn-on. Kingston was so in for it when this night was over. But I needed to focus on what I was doing at the moment, which was singing. I turned my attention back to Albert and he smiled at me. It was like he knew what I was thinking. I'm fairly certain that I blushed, although I hoped most people would attribute it to being hot up on stage under the lights. I scanned the packed audience again, this time avoiding Kingston.

  The crowd was mixed, ranging from young party goers in their mid-twenties to more established couples in their fifties. Most of the women were in cocktail dresses and many of the men wore suits of some sort. There was a fair amount of foil-and-cardboard New Year's tiaras adorning heads, and every so often I heard a noise maker at a quiet point. I spotted Jillian and her husband, Bruce. She was wearing a bright red dress, which marked a stark contrast to her raven hair. I couldn't believe she came out to see me! When I looked around her, I realized it was pretty much my entire office. From what I could remember, most of us in the office didn't socialize outside of work. I thought it was odd that they were all there together. Then it dawned on me. Holy shit—they were all there for me!

  And for some reason, that made me nervous all of a sudden. It was one thing to sing to a bunch of anonymous people, but these were people I knew. I looked anxiously at their faces. Even Tom, my crotchety old boss, and his wife seemed to be enjoying themselves. For the second time in a week it hit me. I had family. I had a lot of family. True, we shared no genetics, but I had people who were there for me when I needed them. I had people who cared about me and loved me for me. I had people who accepted me and my red hair. This was what I had been searching for ever since I lost Aster. This was what the quickie marriage to Dickie Cox was about. This was what the moving from city to city was about. Trying to find someplace where I belonged and fit in. Trying to find people who would listen to me. People who would not force me to be incommunicado. And here, in Columbus, Ohio, on the last day of 2013, I found it. As I belted out tune after tune, I realized that I had found my voice and would never lose it again.

  CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

  We finished up the first set and took a quick break. The timing was such that midnight would strike at the beginning of our third set. There was less than an hour left in this year. I couldn't wait for 2014 to bring a new, fresh start. I didn't know what would happen, but it had to be better than this year, right? Making my way off the stage, I looked around for a chair and some water. While on stage, with the adrenaline rushing, I felt fine. Now that the singing had stopped, I could feel a bit of fatigue creeping in.

  Jules, looking stunning herself in red leather pants with a black Flashdance-inspired top, appeared before me with a glass of ice water. I took it and gave her an appreciative smile. "Jules, thanks. I need to sit. Where can I sit down?" She held up her finger to signal me to wait a moment, and before I could finish my next drink, had appeared with a folding chair.

  "You guys are on fire up there. How do you feel?"

  "I feel like the set was great. I'm tired now that I'm not up there, so I want to conserve a little energy before the next set." I took another drink, relishing the ice cold liquid as it ran down my throat. "You think we sound good?"

  "I think we're going to have a lot more gigs after this."

  Before she could say more, Kingston, Aster and Rob were there. I knew I should stand up, but I needed to sit and rest. I went to lift myself out of the chair.

  "No, Es, stay down. You were fabulous up there. How are you feeling?" Of course Kingston was worried.

  "I feel fine. I mean, I feel great up there, but I need to sit for a bit before the next set. The crowd gives me energy that I feed off of. I totally understand why people always want to be on stage."

  Aster smiled. "I know. For me, it was just another one of my addictions. It gave me a high just like speed did."

  "Never having tried speed, other than what is prescribed for me, I'll take your word for it." I smiled at her and she laughed. "Where's Willy tonight?"

  "Rob's parents have him. They stayed purposely through to New Year's to watch him for tonight."

  "Oh, that's good. That was nice of them." I had been so busy with rehearsal that it had never occurred to me to ask before.

  I drank my entire glass of water and another magically appeared. I really wanted a beer, but the water was cold and wet and would hopefully replace some of the moisture I was sweating out up on stage. I wasn't sure of how long I had before the next set started. I wasn't wearing a watch, and no matter how many times I looked at my titanium bracelet, it never told me the time. I chit chatted with Aster and Kingston for a few minutes. I figured when they needed me back on stage Jules would tell me to head up there. I probably should have gone to the bathroom, but I didn't feel like fighting the crowds to get into the lobby and then wait in line. I was pretty sure I could hold it. I hoped I could anyway.

  Figuring that it had to be almost time to go back on, I stood up. I pulled out my purse, which had been stashed behind stage with the equipment. I fluffed what little hair I had, put a little more powder on, and re-applied my lipstick. As I was double-checking to make sure that I didn't have any lipstick on my teeth, I heard the guys start tuning their instruments and Albert on the mike. What the hell? They were starting without me? What was this shit? Angrily, I stuffed my purse under the table and stormed towards the stage stairs. I was stopped cold when I heard what Albert was saying to the crowd.

  "The Rusty Buckets want to thank you all for coming out tonight for our very special cause. We want to thank the sponsors of this event for allowing us to make this special night about a very special lady."

  What the hell is he doing? And what is he talking about?

  He continued. "As many of you know, in September, our lead singer, the lovely and talented Esther Comely-Cox was injured in an accident just following her debut performance. Esther was in a coma for three weeks and since then has spent every moment of every day working toward recovery. Outside of her commitment to The Rusty Buckets, Esther is a dedicated social worker with Franklin County Children's Services. Her injury has left her unable to return to work yet. Initially, her injury robbed our beautiful singer of her ability to speak. Music returned that gift to her."

  The crowd erupted into applause as I stood on the steps to the stage, frozen in horror. What was Albert doing? I looked frantically around, from Pauly to Jugs to Drew to Jules. They were all smiling at Albert.

  "Esther, can you please come up here?"

  I swallowed hard, as there was not enough moisture in the ocean to wet my suddenly dry mouth. Feeling like a newborn calf, and about as sturdy, I made my way up onto the stage. I gave Albert a look that clearly said, "What the hell are you doing?"

  Jules was suddenly there behind me with a stool for me to sit on. Albert had a similar one. Not trusting my legs to continue supporting me, I sat down, never taking my eyes off Albert.

  "Red, you've been through a lot this year. As a band, we were pretty selfish. We were devastated that we might have lost our voice, just when we had finally found you. But as we started asking around, we realized that you are so much more than a voice. You are a loyal friend and a dedicated social worker. You are a sister and a girlfriend and will drop everything in the blink of an eye to help someone else. Your whole life has been dedicated to serving others."

  I swallowed again, this time scanning the crowd for Kingston. Did he know about this? I spotted him right down front. The shit-eating grin on his face told me he did. They all did. It explained why my entire office was here.

  Albert continued, "The generous sponsors of this event have let us charge an extra admission fee to the show to be made as a donation to you. We have also done a fundraiser for
the Esther's Voice Foundation to help defray some of your medical costs and expenses until you can return to work."

  In a supremely attractive manner, my mouth fell open and I almost fell off my stool.

  "I can see that this is a bit of a surprise. Good, that's how we wanted it." The crowd roared with laughter. "We know that this won't cover everything, but we hope it helps a bit. So, the guys, Jules and I would like to present you with this check for $11,000." The approval from the crowd was deafening.

  That did it. I fell off the stool. Just a little, but enough that Jugs had to rush forward and catch me. I saw Kingston get concerned and shook my head at him. He was worried that it was a medical issue, like I was finally having that stroke they always thought I was due to have. It wasn't. I was barely seated on my stool again when Jules thrust a mike into my hands. My voice shaky and my hands shaking even more, I cleared my throat before speaking. "I am literally bowled over by this. I cannot even begin to thank you, Albert, Pauly, Jugs, Drew and Jules for this. I, um ... I—wow." I took a deep breath and started again. "Obviously this is not what I expected when I came out for this gig tonight. I wanted to put this past year behind me and look toward the future. I ... wow, I can still not even ... wow." I wasn't sure if this was my aphasia or what, but simply no words would come.

  Albert was chuckling. "I think she's officially speechless. But this time in a good way." The crowd clapped again and I smiled out to the throng. It was then that I noticed Chieko, Meghan and Janet, my therapists from the rehab hospital, were there. So were Kevin, Dawn and Beth, my therapists from outpatient rehab. They all knew and were here for me. Me!