Commander in Cheat

by Rick Reilly

  Trump never asked permission to take the Davies family coat of arms. If he had, he’d have had to call Davies’ grandson, lawyer Joseph D. Tydings, a Democrat and former U.S. senator from Maryland. And what would Tydings have said? Take it. “You don’t sue Trump,” Tydings explains, “because you’ll be in court for years and years and years.” He talked his family out of suing Trump over the whole mess years ago. He told them it would be an endless and costly exercise. Still, he admits, his grandfather “would be rolling over in his grave to think Trump was using his crest.”

  Free to fly the fake family flag, Trump figured, “Why not take it to Scotland?” So he did. It turns out the Scots don’t take family crests so lightly. It’s a criminal offense to steal another family’s coat of arms. Scots do not bullshit around about family crests. Scotland heritage authorities ordered Trump to cease and desist or face criminal charges. Trump sued, naturally, in 2007. Five years later, he lost and finally gave up, motto or no motto. He changed enough things on the crest to get around the law, including replacing the lions with a two-headed eagle (representing his Scottish and German roots) clutching golf balls. The two-headed eagle also happens to be the official crest of Russia.

  Of course, Trump’s European heritage isn’t all that regal. His grandfather once owned a hotel in Canada that dabbled in prostitution.

  Now that would be a family crest.

  8

  YOUR DAY IN TRUMPLAND

  He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie.

  —MICKEY MANTLE

  REALLY? YOU HAVE A tee time with the President of the Freaking United States?

  Okay, brace yourself, because what you’re about to experience isn’t really golf. It’s more of a para-military heavily armed exercise with odd-shaped sticks, using a vague set of rules that requires you to lose, and it will all be over very quickly so put your memory on “save.”

  First of all, you’ll play at one of Trump’s courses—since he’s been president, he’s played only at his own courses. He hasn’t played once anywhere else, even at the only un-Trump course where he’s a member: Winged Foot Golf Club in Mamaroneck, New York.

  Me, I’d rent a car. Yours could get egged by protesters. With Trump spending so much time at his courses, thousands of Trump resisters have come to realize it’s a great place to remind him how much they loathe him. As a result, the police blotters in Trump golf towns make fabulous Cheerios reading. For instance:

  • A woman wrote a Spanish slur in lipstick on the entrance sign to Trump Los Angeles. The man she was with peed on it.

  • About 200 activists laid down on the front lawn of Trump Los Angeles and formed a human-body message reading: “RESIST!”

  • A woman took a cornfield near Trump Bedminster and carved into it the words “VOTE” and “TRUTH” in letters 60 feet high and 75 feet wide.

  • Video posted by the Washington Post appeared to show at least four individuals in dark clothing using gardening tools to carve six-foot-tall letters into the green at Trump Los Angeles spelling out: “NO MORE TIGERS, NO MORE WOODS.”

  • A 61-year-old man named Cliff Tillotson, owner of a successful construction firm in Hawaii, was charged with turning Trump golf greens into a kind of giant message board. At four different Trump courses, Tillotson allegedly used a chemical to write into dozens of greens things like, “If Jesus came back tomorrow he wouldn’t be an evangelical,” “Product of too much Propecia” (a slap at Trump’s use of a hair-loss drug), and an entire soliloquy from Macbeth. Personally, I’ve never had a putt over an entire Shakespearian soliloquy, but it has to be a bitch to read.

  Every Saturday, the “People’s Motorcade,” as they call themselves, drives up and down outside the Bedminster gates carrying on with all kinds of anti-Trump signs and hijinks. There’s the truck with an effigy of Trump in the back complete with a Pinocchio nose. Oh, and for the trips when Trump choppers in, they’ve laid out a giant “FU45” near the landing pad for his viewing pleasure.

  Because Trump once planned to build a family mausoleum on his Bedminster property (he now wants to be buried at Mar-a-Lago), protesters are dying all over the place. One day, at a major intersection near the front gates, about 30 people held a “die in,” laying on the ground, holding tombstones labeled with pre-existing conditions. A group called INDECLINE built an elaborate and extraordinary “Trump Cemetery” with realistic tombstones marking the deaths of “Decency,” “The American Dream,” and “The Last Snowman.”

  Anyway, I hope you get to play Trump Bedminster, in New Jersey, because there’s nothing quite like it. Just to become a member can cost you up to $300,000. It was once the country estate of car tycoon John DeLorean, who would let his friend Jackie O ride her horse there among the pastoral hither and yon. It’s 45 minutes from Manhattan and 10 exits past the fanciest place you’ve ever been. Its two courses are pretty good, the service is immaculate, and the interiors are just slightly more lavish than a sultan’s dream. Enjoy the one-mile tree-lined driveway that takes you to a place that’s a cross between Augusta National and the Paris Ritz, only with sniper towers.

  It’s literally true. When the 2017 U.S. Women’s Open finished at Trump Bedminster that summer, Fox started dismantling its camera towers. Hold on, the Secret Service said. We’d like to buy that tower. Now, whenever Trump is at Bedminster, there are two snipers in that tower, one looking out toward the course, the other watching over the swanky compound that includes Trump’s cottage (read: mansion), Ivanka’s cottage (ditto), and eight other actual rental cottages (luxurious), all surrounding a fabulous pool, lounge, and, one imagines, people in togas peeling grapes for you.

  Bedminster might be Trump’s favorite place in the world. It has 36 holes, and unlike Mar-a-Lago, he doesn’t have to drag the 10 SUVs, the Beast presidential limo, and the SWAT team over to Trump International to play. It’s all right outside his front door. Ivanka and husband Jared Kushner spend lots of weekends at their cottage for the same reason. On Shabbat, they can simply walk the 100 yards to dinner without driving. Trump Bedminster is one of three official residences of the president—along with Trump Tower and Mar-a-Lago—which means Congress allotted $41 million in 2017 to its official protection. His 17-day vacation there in August of 2018 cost taxpayers over $3 million.

  “Gotta be 300 Secret Service, Marines, SWAT, everything,” the Bedminster car valet told me. “You know he’s coming because you hear the choppers. There’s always three—Marine One, Marine Two, and a Blackhawk—so nobody knows which one he’s in. They land right over there.” He pointed to a helicopter pad near the compound.

  Q: Why doesn’t Trump ever go to the legendary Camp David in Maryland, traditionally the summer getaway spot for presidents and a place pre-set for security?

  A: Because Camp David is for suckers. “Camp David is very rustic, it’s nice, you’d like it,” Trump said in an interview with a European journalist in 2017. “You know how long you’d like it? For about 30 minutes.”

  Okay, you’re here. You’ll be directed to the locker room to change shoes. With golf carts, almost nobody sweats anymore playing golf, so golf locker rooms are pointless except as a way to feel rich, and Trump very much wants you to feel rich. Trump locker rooms are spectacular. When you walk, the marble squeaks under your feet. Drink the Trump coffee (out of business) or the Trump vodka (out of business) or the Trump water (out of business). Sink deeply into the leather couches and eat some Trump nuts (out of business). Go find his locker. At every American Trump course I visited, he had one, sometimes full size, sometimes half, always locked. Sometimes, the clubhouse guys get so sick of guests taking selfies in front of it, they tape over the nameplate.

  Now it’s time to go hit a few warm-up shots on the practice range. This is where you’ll see Trump for the first time. He’ll greet you like a nephew greets his Lotto-winning uncle. He’ll give you the big 20-second, pull-you-in handshake. The left hand will be on your right shoulder. He’ll make you feel like a visiting king.


  Trump is not big on practice. He’ll whack a few and want to go to the first tee. If you’re playing the Old Course at Bedminster, check out the cool plaque there. It reads:

  This is the best design I’ve ever done.

  —TOM FAZIO

  Turns out the plaque misquoted him. “I don’t believe I said it exactly like that,” Fazio texted me. “It’s kinda like him calling you the publisher of Sports Illustrated. Sounds better.”

  Bring your A game because you’ll be playing with decent golfers. Trump doesn’t suffer hacks. They take too long. If there’s a politician in the group, he will almost certainly be a Republican. Through 2018, Trump hadn’t played with a single Democratic member of Congress or state governor, despite reaming out Obama in a 2012 tweet for the same thing:

  Obama should play golf with Republicans & opponents rather than his small group of friends. That way maybe the terrible gridlock would end.

  You will not believe the security around you. There can be as many as 60 Secret Service agents, six SWAT guys, and 30 carts following along as you play, holding, among other things:

  • The nuclear football

  • The assistant chief of staff

  • A doctor with vials of Trump’s blood

  • A communications staff member

  • The secure satellite phone

  • The one-man portable bomb shelter

  • An entire supply of gas masks, machine guns, and weapons

  • A small missile, which really speeds up play

  “I couldn’t believe what has to happen to get him around the course,” says 1989 Open Championship winner Mark Calcavecchia, who was teeing off one day at Trump International in Florida around the same time as Trump. “Just in front of the club, there was a fire truck, an ambulance, 10 black SUVs, police cars, dogs, everything. On the course, there were at least two Secret Service guys and at least one cart on every hole.

  “Anyway, we finally teed off and he was about two or three groups behind us. We’ve got four holes left and now here he is, coming through us. They basically strip-searched us in the middle of the fairway. We all got patted down in case we had a gun out there. Anyway, we go into the dining room after. He was in there eating. I had to go through two or three detectors just to get to the dining room. I’m like, ‘Hey, man, we were just searched on the course. What do you think happened in five holes?’”

  The story goes that one day when Trump was playing Bedminster, a member hit an unspeakable hook not just deep into the woods but bound for I-78. As the caddy was looking for it, he suddenly found four machine gun barrels in his face, all held by camouflaged Marines. So, the perimeter is covered, in case you were wondering.

  Yes, other groups can still play when the president is playing, as long as they’re willing to stand down when he comes through, and he will come through. Trump plays breathtakingly fast—“When you pick up every putt within six feet, you can do that,” says one caddy—and it means the vanguard of the Secret Service has to work faster. You’ll be playing along at Bedminster when two Secret Service golf carts will come up quickly and stop you mid-6 iron.

  “Gentlemen,” the agent will say. “Will you please step to the side of the fairway? The president is coming through.”

  PLAYER: Sure. What hole is he on?

  AGENT: 8.

  PLAYER: But we’re on 11.

  AGENT, LOUDER: Yes. Will you please stand aside?

  You won’t have to wait long. Soon enough, Trump will come barreling through, charming and friendly, shaking everybody’s hand, thanking them for waiting, asking them how their round is going. He’ll even take pictures with you. “Just don’t post it on social media,” he’ll say, and they’ve almost all complied.

  Okay, time to quiet the knocking of your knees and hit that first shot. Not to worry, Trump will make it fun. Playing with Trump, everybody has fun. He’ll pay attention to you. He’ll ask a thousand questions. How’s business? How much you pay for that putter? You wanna sell it? He’ll give you tips and he’ll know what he’s talking about. You gotta come more from underneath, like this! You’ll be answering his questions and working on his lesson and trying to keep up, and it will all be a big bowl of crazy.

  Bill Clinton once said, “I love playing with him. He outdrives me on every single hole, but I forgive him.”

  Don’t expect a lot of in-depth conversation with the president, though. Trump’s golf conversations go about 7,000 yards long and one inch deep. Often, Trump and his caddy ride in their own cart and will always be way ahead of you, the better to kick, foozle, or throw his ball out of the cabbage.

  “It’s like a roller coaster ride,” says author James Patterson, who belongs to both Trump Westchester and Trump International in West Palm Beach. “He’s a good golfer. He’s a real golfer. But we rushed around more than I would’ve loved. We were playing through people all the time. I hate playing through people. You’re like, ‘Sorry about this. Won’t be but a minute. Excuse me.’ I don’t play well doing that.”

  Eruzione got to play with him on the day of Barbara Bush’s funeral, the one Trump was or wasn’t invited to, depending on which network you watch. Eruzione was just standing around the pro shop at Trump Jupiter when the president called up looking to see which celebrities might be hanging around. Trump loves playing with celebrities. David Trout, the Jupiter pro, named Eruzione. “Great!” Trump said.

  Eruzione had a ball. “It was great. We played fairly quickly. We went through five or six foursomes.” I’ve been playing golf 45 years and have never played through more than two foursomes in one round in my life. So five or six groups is triple warp speed.

  Three and a half hours later—sometimes less—the round will be over and you’ll have no idea what he shot or you shot but it’ll be fun. I asked Eruzione how Trump played the day he played with him. “I don’t really know. We only putted out on a few holes. He had a couple of presidential mulligans. He said that was his right. He picked up putts. He’s the president; he can do whatever he wants to do. We really played fast and then he left. He had to get right out of there and go watch the Barbara Bush service. So I have no idea what he shot. He’d play four or five holes even, then make a double bogey and then he’d pick up. His tee ball was a little erratic that day. He’d push it to the right. He’s pretty good, though.”

  Now he’ll invite you to the grill room for lunch. I wasn’t with Trump, though, the day I played Bedminster, so I skipped lunch and went straight to the caddyshack.

  It’s actually not a shack at all, but a stately white one-story cottage near the first tee that’s a doppelganger for the Eisenhower cottage at Augusta. Trump hasn’t been invited to join Augusta, so perhaps this is his reasonable facsimile. Inside, a dozen guys in white overalls (also very Augusta) were watching a huge TV and eating free cheeseburgers whipped up by the resident caddy/cook, Scotty.

  I love caddies because caddies will tell you the truth and use very few words doing it. A buddy of mine played awful one day in Ireland. He hit it all over the map. At the end of 18, he said to his caddy, “What do I owe you?” The caddy scowled at him and said, “A fucking apology.”

  I sat at the Bedminster caddy house kitchen table and threw out a question to nobody and everybody:

  So what’s it like working for Trump?

  That sat them straight up in their seats.

  “No cheating stories!” one caddy hollered out and everybody laughed.

  “Mr. Trump is really generous,” one caddy began. “Every time he comes in here, [he asks] how we’re all doing, are we doing good, stuff like that. And he hands everybody a $100. Guys who aren’t here are always like, ‘Damn! I missed that?’”

  A caddy over by the fridge wrinkled his nose.

  FRIDGE CADDY: “Wait. You’re saying every single time he comes in here he hands everybody hundreds? Because I’ve never once seen that.”

  FIRST CADDY: “Well, okay, not every time.”

  FRIDGE CADDY: “I mean, how ma
ny times has he even been in here?”

  FIRST CADDY: “Well, at least once.”

  Everybody agreed Trump was a good player, an “8 or 9,” they all said, knowing full well that he tells the world he’s a 3.

  Does he cheat?

  There was a lot of sudden interest in birds out the window. One caddy held his hand up while looking me right in the eye. His expression was flat, but his eyes were very wide, like he was about to give me a clue on Password.

  “Donald Trump never cheats,” he said, slowly and sternly.

  He stared at me.

  Blink. Stare. Blink.

  “Ohhh!” I said. “His caddy cheats FOR him?”

  The entire room howled. What followed was a dozen or so stories about just HOW he cheats.

  • “He’s always got four balls in his pocket, if that tells you anything.”

  • “He foozles his ball on every hole. All 18. I promise you. Every hole.”

  • “He wants you to throw it out of the woods, kick it out of the rough, fluff up his lie. We all know the deal.”

  Most of them said they didn’t mind doing it but felt a little bad when there was money on the line or a tournament going on.

  “I have a friend at his course in Palm Beach,” one caddy said, “a really, really good player. He’s a +3 or +4 [that means he averages three or four strokes under par]. It kills him to do what you gotta do when you caddy for Trump. It absolutely kills him.”

  All the cheating Trump’s caddies do for him actually hurts Trump’s game. His only real weakness, besides the ethics bypass he seems to have undergone, is chipping around the greens, where he’s just awful. That’s why his caddies fluff up nasty lies, take his balls out of bunkers, and kick his ball onto the green out of the cabbage. But if you never have those lies, you never learn how to hit them. “Because of the caddies, he never gets to practice those hard shots around the green,” says Ned Scherer, who has played with Trump at least 10 times and belongs to both Trump D.C. and Trump Jupiter. “Golf is all about practice, but he never even gets to try them.”