In Too Deep (Wildfire Lake)

by Skye Jordan

  When we’re done, each of us leans back against whatever is behind us and sips the wine.

  “This is so much better than a Skype chat.” I feel so warm and loved and accepted in this circle, and it’s bittersweet because I know it can’t last. In a few days, we’ll scatter in the wind again. “Do you guys think we could manage this again? Like once a year or something? It sounds weird to say that I miss you when we’ve only talked digitally over the last seven years, but I do.”

  “I get that,” KT says. “I feel the same way.”

  “Same.” Chloe nods. “But our schedules are murder.”

  “They are.” I’m feeling melancholy, already anticipating their loss. No doubt having seen Levi twice today hasn’t helped in that department.

  “Live in the present,” Chloe reminds me. “We’ve got seven whole days together, and after bumping elbows in this space, we may kill each other before the end of the week.”

  “You’re right, I live way too much in the future.” Although today has pulled me back in time, not forward. “Speaking of the future, Chloe, it looks like you succeeded in bringing your Eat, Pray, Love enlightenment to every country in the world like you dreamed.”

  “I don’t know about every country.”

  “Your book has been translated into forty different languages,” KT says. “I think you can infer that it reached every country, even if only by messenger from someone who read it.”

  She sighs and her smile is radiant, but there’s something a little off. “Man, it’s been a crazy ride.”

  “And you found your guy,” I say. “Your One.”

  She holds that beatific smile like a mask. “One crazy ride.”

  KT clears her throat. She’s staring at Chloe, expectant. When Chloe doesn’t go on, KT asks, “Are you really going to make me call you out?”

  Chloe’s smile evaporates, and she releases a deep sigh. Her shoulders slide, her head dips, and her gaze lowers.

  “What?” I ask, glancing between them. “Call her out about what?”

  “Bodhi,” Chloe says, lifting her gaze to mine. The misery and hurt there squeezes my stomach, and I automatically reach for her hand. Chloe lets out a cynical laugh. “My soul mate turned out to be more of a twin flame.”

  “If twin flame is synonymous with asshole,” KT says.

  “Leave it to KT to bring everything into perspective,” Chloe says.

  “What happened with Bodhi?” I ask. “How did KT know? And what the hell is a twin flame?”

  “I did some research on him,” KT says. “The ship gets boring when there aren’t any new hot guys to hunt. Fortunately, I didn’t have to be the one to break the bad news. Chloe figured it out first.”

  “Turns out Bodhi believes you can gain enlightenment by colliding with twin flames,” Chloe says. “And by collide, I mean fuck, all at the same time. And, evidently, he’s got one hell of a lot of twin flames.”

  I pull in a sharp breath. Bodhi was a self-proclaimed spiritual guru who had become a mentor to Chloe before transitioning into her lover. “Oh my God.”

  “I let it go on way too long. While I was sermonizing to thousands about healthy boundaries, self-love and divine intervention, I allowed Bodhi’s cheating to continue while I practiced tolerance”—she air quoted the word—“as the spiritual course of action.”

  My gaze darts between Chloe and KT. “I’m sorry, half of that sounded like Greek.”

  “In English, I was a big fat hypocrite, living a big fat lie for way too long. Saying one thing to my tribe, who looked to me for enlightened guidance, while living the same damn life they all sought to escape—cheating men, demanding bosses, empty souls, toxic relationships, competition… I was the poster child for the adage ‘those who can, do, those who can’t, teach.’”

  “Oh, honey,” I say, my stomach sinking. “I’m so sorry.”

  She exhales hard and smiles. “I’m getting through it, returning to the basics, starting over. I cleansed my soul with silence and prayer in Tibet, and now I’m reconnecting with the people who bring joy to my existence. I’m also on a self-induced, as-of-yet-undetermined-length course of celibacy.”

  “What?” KT says, her face comically shocked. “Now that’s just crazy talk.”

  “What is a twin flame?” I ask again. “Is that like a soul mate or something?”

  “Twin flames aren't about love,” KT says, “they're about truth. Meeting up with your twin flame is said to bring upheaval and revelations. Facing your twin flame is like facing yourself head-on, seeing all the good, all the bad, all the wounds. That could be beautiful, or it could be ugly.”

  “In my case,” Chloe says, “it was ugly. Not exactly a surprise.”

  Chloe had a pretty awful childhood—abandoned by her mother when she was a baby, abandoned by her father when he fell into the bottle, and abandoned by her two older sisters as soon as they were old enough to bail. So, yeah, I would assume confronting that kind of hurt in another person could cause all kinds of chaos in a heart.

  “Often, twin flames are only together long enough to bring about personal change,” KT adds. “Twin flames aren't about finding your one perfect love. Soul mates are just that, lovers for life. Where soul mates are about deep, bonding love for life, twin flames are about connecting to shared pain and growing from that pain.”

  Chloe nods in approval. “Well said.”

  “For someone who doesn’t believe in this woo-woo stuff,” I say, using KT’s own words over the years, “you sure do know a lot about it.”

  KT gestures toward Chloe with her wine. “I read her book. You know, in solidarity.”

  Chloe laughs.

  “Solidarity,” I say, “right.”

  “So, what are your plans, now?” I ask Chloe.

  “I have none. I did get a second book deal, and I’m thinking of writing about what I’m experiencing now. I think a lot of women are searching for meaning and healing outside themselves, which is great, but not if that’s the only place they’re searching. I’d like to teach women to go deeper inside themselves for answers. And I guess I’ll be taking the journey with them.”

  “Wow,” I say. “Even though I have no clue what that means, I love the idea.”

  KT starts giggling and can’t stop. And since we’re all drunk, we all dissolve into laughter.

  When we reset, Chloe says, “Your turn, KT. Did you make it to every ocean?”

  “I must have been brain dead from my near-death experience when I made that goal, because, of course, there are only five oceans in the world. Not exactly a stretch when I travel oceans for a living. So, I changed that goal to every ocean and every sea.”

  “And?” I ask.

  “And there are only seven seas. So, I dived every ocean and every sea”—she gets a self-deprecating grin on her face—“three times over.”

  We all laugh.

  “And now what does the overachiever dream about?” Chloe asks.

  She closes her eyes and gets a wistful look. “Being alone is sounding really delicious to me right now.” She opens her eyes. “I’ve been living in the midst of thousands of people, day in and day out for a decade. I’m ready to have my own space.”

  “I can’t see you in a regular job,” I say.

  “Me either. Which is, I think, why I’ve stayed in this job for so long. But in another five years or so, I’ll have enough to buy a sailboat, and I’m thinking of opening a dive shop somewhere tropical. Teach scuba by day, chill on my boat by night.”

  Chloe nods. “That does sound heavenly.”

  “Your turn,” KT says to me.

  “Compared to you two, I’m an epic failure in the dreams department. I’m still working for my parents’ hotel chain.”

  “But you’ve climbed through the ranks,” KT says.

  “I have, and I’ve been able to distance myself from them at work, at least mostly, because, well, they are my parents and my bosses, but I’m still busting my butt to fill someone else’s pocketbook. And
I can’t say my relationship with them has improved by working with them. I keep waiting for the perfect starter property to come on the market, telling myself I’ll jump when it does, but I don’t have enough to buy one even if it did.”

  “This place is worth a mint,” KT says. “Why haven’t you sold it?”

  “I just… I haven’t even been able to come here since my grandpa died. Selling it just feels… I don’t know how to explain it.”

  “Like betrayal?” Chloe asks.

  “Yes,” I admit. “It’s not logical, but that’s how I feel. And looking at how run-down it is makes me feel doubly guilty. He would never have left it to me if he’d known I would let it rot.”

  “Reality check,” Chloe says.

  “Excuse me,” KT says. “Reality checks around these parts are my responsibility.”

  “You missed your cue,” Chloe says. “Falling down on the job. I’m just helping you out, sister.”

  “Don’t make it a habit.”

  “Noted.” Chloe refocuses on me. “Sounds like you’re using this place and your love for your grandfather as an excuse not to jump into an independent opportunity.”

  “Oh, snap,” KT says. “That’s seriously sage shit.”

  “Right?”

  “Look at you, wisdom oozing out your pores,” KT says. “Fuck Bodhi. Build your own spiritual empire.”

  All three of us lift our glasses, and KT says. “To building our own empires.”

  We drink, then fall silent. After a long moment, KT looks up, brow creased. “That’s all I got.” She lifts her chin to Chloe. “Help a sister out.”

  “You told me not to make it a habit.”

  “Twice isn’t a habit.”

  Chloe makes a face, then to me, “Why do you think your grandfather left you all this?”

  I laugh. “You make it sound like he left me a treasure chest of ready cash.”

  “From what you’ve told us, it sounds like you loved your summers here,” KT says.

  Chloe adds, “I believe the words ‘best times of my life’ were spoken in regard to this place.”

  My mind instantly veers toward Levi. But Levi isn’t the only joy I experienced here. I had friends and unconditional love and freedom. So much freedom. Only, my grandfather is dead, Levi isn’t mine, and this place doesn’t necessarily provide the sense of freedom it used to. These realizations bring a fierce longing I don’t understand.

  “I don’t really know what he expected me to do with it. There was no message in his will, and he never mentioned it to me before he died. I assumed—as did my parents—that he would leave it to my mom. And, man, was she pissed.”

  “As if she and your dad don’t already have enough?” KT says.

  “Honestly, I don’t think my parents could ever be satisfied. They’re wired to succeed, acquire, grow, achieve, and flaunt. They conquer one thing, then go on to the next. One conquest after another.”

  “And you’ve followed in their footsteps, haven’t you?” KT asks.

  I don’t like that comparison. “Explain yourself.”

  “You’ve conquered every position in the corporation one ladder rung at a time. And just as their achievements are never enough for them, yours aren’t enough for you. Or them, for that matter.”

  “Ouch.” I wince. “Thanks for that in-your-face reality.”

  She blows on her fingernails and rubs them against her chest. “It’s a gift.”

  “Maybe he left you this,” Chloe suggests, “so you could feel like you have a piece of ownership in your childhood memories. Maybe you could take this opportunity to extend those good memories into your current life.”

  My chest grows wings, and I get that bubbly, giddy sensation under my ribs.

  Chloe points at me, eyes narrowed. “What was that?” She stabs the air between us. “That, right then. What were you feeling right then?”

  I shake my head. “Anxiety?”

  “Could it have been joy? That giddy kind of joy that comes when your soul bubbles over and spills into your body?”

  “I…” I shake my head. “I… Maybe? You know I’ve always struggled with this spiritual stuff.”

  “Those giddy feelings, the ones that feel like nerves but that make you happy, those are flashes of light. Those signal you’re aligned with the universe. Those tell you you’re headed in the right direction. You have to trust your instincts.”

  I exhale, confused. “Okay.”

  “On a more grounded note,” KT says. “It’s not like he planned on dying and had time to get all his affairs in order. He died unexpectedly when he was, by all outward appearances, reasonably healthy. Maybe it’s as simple as giving you this land because you had a connection to it. It sounds like your mother never did. If I’m going to give away my pride and joy, I’m going to give it to the person who can appreciate it most.”

  Guilt attacks, gnawing at my gut like piranhas. “And I’ve done such an amazing job of honoring that gift.”

  “It’s not like you can’t turn it around,” Chloe says. “Sure, it would be a lot of work, but think about the sense of accomplishment you’d get by bringing it back up to your grandfather’s standards.”

  “Fuck standards,” KT says. “You’d get more for it by making it a successful business. The more successful, the more valuable, which means it could bring the kind of money that could slingshot you toward your dreams of starting your own hotel line. If your grandfather was alive, what would he tell you to do?”

  I think about it. “He always wanted to see me out from under them. He hated how controlling they were, which is why he took me for the summers, so I could be a kid.”

  “Do you still want to do the boutique hotels catering toward millennials?” KT asks. “Because I’ve done a little research, and millennials aren’t only the largest population in the US, they’re traveling almost as much as the older generations. The iron is hot, babe.”

  I close my eyes and envision having the final say over the major decisions instead of always having someone above me to please in accordance with my parents’ mandates. Something I could put my stamp on instead of my parents’. “I do want that. So bad.”

  “Then let’s work up a plan,” KT says. “I can assess the boats to figure out how much they’d cost to repair so you could start renting them out.”

  “And I can give you a crash course in event planning,” Chloe says. “Think about it, Laiyla. You’ve got this prime property, and you’ve got mad skills. Hell, you’ve been building them for years. Maybe it’s time for you to use those skills to make yourself happy, not your parents.”

  I glance out the window. The sun is setting, casting a pink-orange glow across the smooth water. “There’s no denying what a seductive proposition that is.”

  In fact, the thought of staying here feels like the first break I’ve had since that awful retreat in Niue.

  “At the risk of sounding woo-woo,” Chloe says, “if you were part of my tribe, I’d tell you to surrender your fear around this place and see it through love. To trust that a decision made out of love will always be the right decision.”

  I tilt my head, squishing up my face as I try to get my mind around the concept.

  “May I?” KT asks Chloe.

  “You may.”

  KT looks at me and says, “What would you do if you had no fear?”

  “Oh my God,” Chloe says. “That’s so cheating.”

  KT drops a brow. “As long as she gets there, what does it matter how?”

  Chloe sighs and crosses her arms. “Oversimplifying to, like, the millionth degree, but whatever.”

  I can’t help but laugh. I love these women so much, it hurts.

  “All right, back to fear,” KT says. “Fear of failing, fear of succeeding, fear of disappointing your parents, fear of disappointing yourself, fear of what others will think, fear of doing it wrong—”

  “Whoa,” I put out a hand. “I don’t do wrong.”

  “Of course you do, but let’s s
ave that for another time.”

  I roll my eyes.

  “So, if you had no fear,” she says, “what would you do?”

  I’d crawl into Levi’s bed and spend a week showing him how much I’ve grown up.

  “I’d fix this place.” As soon as I say it, my heart settles and ease slides into my body. I can’t remember the last time something felt so right…except for maybe the way Levi looked at me in the grocery store when he was touching the scar on my temple. Or the way he was willing to stand up for me against Dunphy.

  I drag my mind back to the idea of renovation. “But this is a big fix. I’d need to be here to oversee everything. Even with a general contractor on the job, this is just too big and specialized of a project to think I could do it in my spare time, which I don’t have.”

  “What about taking a sabbatical or leave of absence from work?”

  I suck air through my teeth. The prospect of telling my parents not only that I want to leave the company, but that the purpose would be to tend to Grandpa’s land would be like a double hit. “I’d be on my parents’ shit list.”

  “Then you must be doing something right. All kids are on their parents’ shit list at one time or another.” KT yawns. “It’s about time you joined them.”

  “Oh my God.” Chloe yawns too. “KT you started it.”

  “Sorry.” She lets herself fall sideways on the futon and starts to pretend snore.

  “I get the message.” I stand and put the empty wine bottle and glasses in the sink. “You two get some sleep.”

  We hug and disburse to the sleeping quarters we arranged—KT out on a foam mattress they pulled off another boat, situated in the screened porch, Chloe on the futon in the living room, and me on the twin in the only real bedroom on the boat. It was truly equally distributed discomfort in my opinion.

  But it’s early for me, and my mind continues spinning long after the others have fallen asleep. I pick up my phone and step out onto the dock, then call my parents.

  “Hi, honey,” my mom says. “How’s your getaway with the girls?” Then she yells to my dad. “Honey, it’s Laiyla.”