The Secrets of a Lady (The Jordans)

by Jenna Petersen

  The words weren’t enough. She felt stupid saying them to him. He’d been hurt. Hurt more than she could even imagine. Saying she was sorry was little more than putting a tiny binding on a gaping wound.

  “Don’t be,” There was a harshness to his voice, though she didn’t feel it was necessarily directed at her. “You were right. You told me on my wedding day I would be unhappy and I was.”

  “Oh, Griffin.” This time she couldn’t control the tears that began to run down her face. “I never wanted you to be unhappy. I never wished for it! I hope you know that. I wanted you to find peace and love in your marriage.”

  He caught one of her tears on the tip of his finger and wiped it from her cheek. “I know. You were always kind. Even if you believed I wouldn’t be happy, you would have hoped for it regardless.”

  There was a long pause, but finally he seemed to gather his resolve and spoke again. “After that, our marriage disintegrated entirely. We never shared a meal. We never spoke unless it was forced by a societal or family obligation. We didn’t share a bed. So when she told me she was carrying a child, I knew for certain the babe couldn’t be mine.”

  Audrey’s hand came up to cover her mouth as she bit back another cry of shock and anguish. What the man beside her had gone through during their years apart. While she had spun around foreign ballrooms in fancy gowns, thinking she was alone, Griffin had truly been isolated. He’d had no one to turn at the lowest point of his life.

  “How horrible,” she gasped.

  He shrugged one shoulder. “Still, I was surprised by how deeply I mourned for her baby when Luci died.”

  Audrey smiled sadly. Not many men in the ton would have felt the same way. In a world where bloodlines ruled, Griffin Berenger cared more for a child’s lost life than his true parentage. His compassion reminded Audrey how much she loved him.

  “You’re an amazing man, Griffin Berenger. A true original,” she said softly, leaning forward to place a gentle kiss on his warm cheek.

  He turned his face to catch her lips with his own and for a moment they only held each other. When they parted, he leaned his head against the back of the chair and stared at her evenly.

  “Are you going to ask me the obvious question?”

  “What is the obvious question?” She smiled sadly.

  It was a smile he didn’t return. “Don’t you want to know if I killed her?”

  Audrey parted her lips in surprise then instantly shook her head. “No! I already know the answer. You wouldn’t, couldn’t do that. Whatever Luci’s faults, she was your wife. You took your vows seriously, even if she didn’t.”

  Griffin gave a sigh of relief and a weak smile returned to his face. “I’m glad you know that without asking. Some of my family members and close friends who knew of Luci’s indiscretions did ask me.”

  She drew back. “Not Noah?”

  “No. Not Noah. Never Noah,” he admitted. “Luci died of complications from an early birth of her child. Much too early, I’m afraid. I did all I could to save her and the baby, but the doctor said there was no chance for either of them.”

  “Griffin,” she said softly. “What can I do?”

  Now he turned his eyes on her with intensity. “Do as I ask and marry me. You’ve been in my head for years. And you would be faithful to me. I know that.”

  Audrey looked into his eyes, but instead of seeing love there, she saw desperation. He so needed her to say yes, but not because he loved her. He wanted her to save him in a way. To give back to him some of what Luci had stolen all those years ago.

  Slowly, she pulled away to stand up. Pacing over to the window, she caught her breath as she looked down into the busy street below.

  “You can’t marry someone for safety, Griffin,” she said softly. She heard him rise, but continued without allowing him to respond. “You’ve been burned by Luci’s deceptions, but controlling me, taking me from my work… marrying me isn’t the way to regain your equilibrium.”

  “That isn’t what I’m trying to do!” His tone was suddenly angry.

  When she turned it was to see him staring at her with a red face, his nostrils flared and his hands trembling at his sides. His pain and anger moved her, but she had no choice but to stand her ground.

  “Yes, Griffin, it is what you want to do, whether you realize it or not. You want to use me as sanctuary…”

  This time he did interrupt her, motioning toward the bedroom. “You think what just happened between us in my bed was a plea for sanctuary? That was passion, darling, pure and simple. We have all the ingredients for a good marriage. Why won’t you let go of your ridiculous denials?”

  “We have all the ingredients but one, Griffin. Love.” She fought back the tears that closed her throat and stung her eyes. “And for me, that’s the most important ingredient. You’re afraid for my life. You want to draw me away from dangerous things. Those are sweet and noble reasons, but they’ll never erase your past, or mine. They won’t change the duty I’ve sworn to perform.”

  He crossed over to her in a long step. “Damn it, Audrey!”

  Instead of letting him touch her, she skirted away, fearing if he did she’d give in to his demands. She was right on the edge of doing just that already.

  Here he was, offering her everything she’d once dreamed of, but now it wasn’t enough. Perhaps five years ago it would have been, but not now. She had changed too much to accept anything less from him than everything in his heart.

  “This is hard enough for me,” she pleaded, moving toward the door. “But I can’t marry you. Good night.”

  With that, she fled into the hallway, closing the door behind her then hurrying to her own room where she shut and locked her door. There was no need to risk Griffin bursting in to continue their argument. Her mind was made up. No matter how much it hurt her to do, she couldn’t marry him. Now if only she could convince her heart.

  ***

  “Lord Berenger?”

  Griffin looked up to see Cotter standing in the morning room door with a smile on his usually stoic face.

  “Yes, Cotter, what is it?”

  It took all his control to maintain his temper. The last thing he wanted were interruptions when his head was pounding from a hangover and his eyes were blurred from lack of sleep.

  “You have two visitors, my lord.”

  “Lord and Lady Ashton?” he asked weakly.

  He’d almost forgotten his parents were even in London after the shock of Audrey turning down his proposal of marriage.

  “Yes, my Lord. Shall I send them in?”

  He ran a hand through his hair and nodded. “Of course. Have tea sent in and freshen up the buffet, as well.”

  Cotter bowed low. “As you wish, my lord.”

  Moments later, the door opened again and Cotter motioned for Griffin’s parents to enter. His mother’s hand was laced through his father’s elbow and the two were laughing at something they’d been talking about outside. They looked as happy as they’d ever been and Griffin’s heart clenched with pain. He had only ever wanted to find what his parents had shared. He’d hoped to have it with Lucinda, but he knew he could achieve it with Audrey.

  But Audrey wouldn’t have him, no matter what he said.

  “Good morning, Griffin…” his mother began, then stopped dead in her tracks as she finally looked directly at her son.

  He winced as her sharp eyes moved up and down him in one swift motion before settling on his face. He could see her concern and her questions without her saying a word to him of either one.

  “Mother.”

  “I hope you don’t mind this unannounced arrival,” his father said. “But we’re leaving town today. We only came at the Queen’s invitation. With your sister so late in her confinement, Penelope wants to be close to her.”

  “Of course I welcome you here, Father, but I understand,” Griffin insisted, finally forced himself to move toward them. He shook his father’s hand and embraced his mother before motioning them to jo
in him at the table.

  “Where are Audrey and Noah this morning?” his mother asked as she settled into her seat.

  Griffin stared into his tea absently. Noah hadn’t come back until very late the night before and was still abed for all Griffin knew. Audrey had not come down yet.

  “I’ve no idea…” he began, but was interrupted when the door to the morning room opened and the brother and sister appeared.

  “Here we are.” Audrey laughed though there was a strain in her voice. “How lovely it is to break our fast with you and Lord Ashton.”

  Griffin stared at the pair in amazement. Noah looked as if he’d gone to sleep at ten, not three in morning. Not even a shadow darkened his blue eyes. As for Audrey, her smile was as warm and friendly as if nothing had happened between them the night before. As if she hadn’t made love with him, then turned down his offer to be his wife. He did note she avoided even a glance in his direction, though.

  “Ah, the Jordans!” Lord Ashton said with a smile. “Our time together last night was far too brief. I’m pleased we’ll get to spend a bit of time with you before we quit London this afternoon.”

  “You’re leaving?” Noah’s tone was surprised but his eyes were glad.

  Griffin couldn’t blame his friend for his relief. Noah had heard more than an earful at the ball about endangering Griffin’s parents.

  Noah continued to speak as he snapped a napkin onto his lap. “We’ll have to make the best of the hours we have then. What about a walk in Hyde Park, straightaway?”

  “Sounds fine. The weather is tolerable,” Griffin’s father replied.

  “I’m feeling a bit off-color,” Griffin said with a glare toward his friend. The last thing he wanted to do was stroll around the park with Audrey and his parents, pretending she hadn’t kissed or touched him. “I believe I’ll stay here and out of the heat.”

  His mother looked at him out of the corner of her brown eyes. With a smooth smile, she said, “I’ll remain with Griffin. Why don’t the three of you go ahead?”

  Lord Ashton shrugged, looking at Audrey and Noah with a grin. “Shall we?”

  After a flurry of finding hats and arranging carriages, the three departed. Griffin turned from the front door to find his mother staring at him with an intensity in her brown eyes he rarely saw.

  “Come back to the morning room,” she said gently. “A bit of food will help settle your stomach and take away the headache too much alcohol has left behind.”

  Griffin opened his mouth to protest her accusation, but she only arched an eyebrow with a smile, challenging him to deny the truth. He chose not to do so and instead took her arm and returned to the room as she’d asked.

  She sat while he took a few muffins from the buffet and a small pile of eggs.

  “What puts you in such a state, Griffin?” she asked when he returned to the head of the table. “Or have I already guessed the reason?”

  With a frown, Griffin took a bite of his muffin. “Since I don’t know your guess, I couldn’t tell you if it’s correct or not. And I never said anything was bothering me beyond a slight pain of the head.”

  “But you weren’t drinking at the ball last night,” she reasoned. “So that leads me to believe that you drank here. Alone. One who drinks alone makes liquor a partner in his troubles. What are yours?”

  Griffin pursed his lips. As if his mother could ever understand.

  “Audrey?” Her voice was barely above a whisper.

  He jolted at her correct guess. Were his feelings so plain to the world? His mother knew, Noah… even Douglas Ellison suspected.

  “Why would you say that?” he asked, determined to close the discussion.

  “It’s in your eyes when you look at her. And in her eyes when someone says your name,” she said with a soft smile. “I would be more than pleased at the match, but I see it brings neither of you happiness. So what’s keeping you from each other?”

  Griffin rubbed his eyes and tried a sarcastic laugh. It came out more as a sigh. “Mother, you’re an incurable romantic. Did it ever occur to you that love is not for everyone?”

  “Don’t judge love on a bad experience with Luci,” she said with an angry frown. “Don’t shut out love because of fear.”

  He rose to slam his empty plate back on the buffet. “I’m not afraid of anything.”

  “You’ve been afraid for months!” his mother argued, rising out of her seat to face him. “You hide at Bentley Square, torturing yourself over a child…” she dropped her voice. “Who wasn’t even your own. And now you have love right in front of you and refuse to take the happiness you’re offered. A happiness others long for but never get the chance to find.”

  Griffin shook his head, stunned by how much his mother had guessed. “You speak of what you do not know. I no longer wish to have this discussion with you.”

  He turned to leave, to walk out on his mother for the first time in his life. Her soft hand on his sleeve held him back.

  “Griffin.” The heat was gone from her voice. “Please. I’m sorry to pry, and perhaps you’re right. Perhaps I don’t know. But think about what I’ve said. Don’t discard something that could change your life for the better.”

  He sighed and took his mother’s hands in his. She didn’t understand. She couldn’t understand the torture in his heart when it came to Audrey.

  “Your counsel is always one I take with much consideration. But right now I’d much rather walk in the gardens and talk about happier subjects. Will you join me?”

  Her eyes softened as she nodded and took his arm, but he didn’t fail to notice the troubled expression that lingered as well.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Audrey glanced at the man beside her with a grimace she could only hope resembled a smile. Lord knew the last thing she needed was for Douglas Ellison to suspect her disgust for him was growing by the moment.

  He motioned to the tea set on the side table between them. “I’d like a drop more tea, my dear. Do you remember how I like it?”

  Her nostrils flaring slightly, she gave him the most sweet and tender look she could muster. “Why with a drop of cream and two lumps of sugar, of course.”

  “Exactly.” His fingers stroked the top of her hand. “It pleases me that you remember.”

  “How could I forget?”

  Her thoughts returned to how she’d taken copious notes on all of Ellison’s habits, memorizing them over the months she and Noah had been investigating the man.

  She knew when he rose in the mornings, what he ate at meals, where he bought the expensive jackets and dandified shirts he wore to court her… the only thing she didn’t know was who the hell he worked with.

  There were rumors he possessed a list with the names of his main associates and monetary backers, but no spy had found it yet. Even Jean, who she knew to be an exemplary, meticulous searcher, had come up empty handed on the one occasion he’d managed to get into the Ellison Mansion. With guards and high fences, the place was a stronghold.

  “My dear,” Ellison’s voice ripped her from her reverie. “Your hands are shaking. Are you quite well?”

  “What?” Audrey set the teapot back on the service with a clatter. “Yes, fine. I’m sorry, my mind was wandering.”

  “Hmmm.” He took her cold hands in his own. “How I’d like to know where it went so I could bring it back to us.”

  With an inward smirk, she wagered he would like to know her innermost thoughts. If he realized how much she despised him, how his touch sickened her every time she was forced to endure it, he would recoil from her. And if he knew her main purpose in life was to bring him and his allies to their knees, he would want her dead.

  She drew her hands away with a modest blush. “It’s back to us now.”

  One of the most amazing results of this act she was playing was that she no longer hated the norms of Society. As a girl she’d never quite grasped the rules and regulations that had governed courtship, but now she thanked the heavens for them nearly e
very day. Her blushing denials of Ellison’s advances were easily explained. She didn’t dislike him, no… she only wanted to maintain her dignity and morality.

  “Very good.” His smile turned to a frown as she poured him his tea. “Because there is an important subject I wish to discuss with you.”

  Two lumps of sugar fell from her spoon into his cup. She wished they were rat poison. “Really? And what is that, Douglas?”

  “The ball at Burlington House,” he explained, nodding as he slipped the cup from her hand. His long, cold fingers rested on her skin for a fraction too long.

  “Tomorrow, in honor of Wellington?” she asked, as if there were any other. Thousands of people had been invited, and if even half arrived it would be a jammed event indeed. It was all she and Noah had been able to talk about.

  “Yes.” His voice had taken on the angry edge it always possessed when the subject of the Prince or his allies came up. “For Wellington.”

  “What about it?” A shiver wracked her at the look of hatred in his eyes.

  At the fête at Buckingham House a few days before, Audrey had watched as the handsome Wellington had been welcomed by the Queen, herself. She’d marveled at how cool and collected the man seemed, moving with a grace that reflected his skills not only in society, but in battle. The thought of Ellison attempting to do something to him was maddening.

  “I would greatly like to be your companion that night.” Ellison’s eyes cleared to refocus on her. “I don’t want your brother to squire you away. And I certainly don’t want Berenger to monopolize all your time. The kiss we shared a few nights ago proves to me that we are more to each other than just good friends. If that is true, than I want the rest of Society to begin to see it, too.”

  Audrey pretended to contemplate what he was asking of her. A whole night at Ellison’s side, only leaving to dance with the appropriate gentlemen, but always returning to him and his vile cold hands on her skin. A night like that would certainly prove to Douglas, and to Society, that he had staked his claim on her heart. If only she could stomach it. Not that she had a choice.