Hickville Confessions: A Hickville High Novel

by Karlik, Mary

  Mrs. Bettis pointed to the paper in his hand. “I want y’all to check out the website at the bottom of the page. Think of people you’d like to help you charter this club. I’d like to have a panel of eight—two from each class. I’d prefer a boy and a girl from each class. Let’s meet back in a week. I’d like names of potential candidates.”

  Mrs. Bettis discussed the type of candidate she was looking for and Ryan and Braden were dismissed. Braden walked with her toward her locker. “Obviously I’m the sophomore male member and you’re the junior girl. Do you think Mackenzie would be the freshman girl?”

  Ryan tried to contain the smile that formed and it morphed into a smirk. “I guess you should go ask her.” She pointed down the hall.

  He visibly gulped. “Okay, then.” He practically sprinted to where Mackenzie was talking to Travis.

  Ryan pulled her phone from the back pocket of her jeans and looked for a message from Justin. Nada.

  Her stomach tightened. The session must not have gone well. Should she call him? He probably wouldn’t want to talk, but he probably needed to. Besides, she really wanted to ask him to be the senior representative. Was that cold? Here he was dealing with major stuff in his life and she was focused on asking him to be a leader in a club.

  Texting was safer. He could ignore that.

  Ryan: Hey there.

  She didn’t want to be too intrusive, just in case things were bad.

  She stared at her phone as though she could make him answer. Nothing. Maybe he was with his parents and things were going great. Maybe not. She shook her head. She had never been the clingy type and she wasn’t about to start now. She shoved the phone into her pocket and headed to her locker.

  Someone, probably the janitor, had cleaned off the lipstick letters that had stained her locker. That leaves a clean slate for whoever is doing it. By tomorrow, another profanity would be scrawled across it. She got her books and slammed the metal door.

  If they brought the Teens Against Violence club to school, would it stop? She doubted it.

  Did she still want to be involved in Teens Against Violence? Absolutely.

  *

  Normally, if Justin missed school he had to miss practice too. Coach knew why he’d missed and probably figured how badly he needed to work out.

  He’d answered Ryan’s text with Football practice. He should’ve told her he’d call later. Part of him wanted to talk to her, tell her everything. The other side of him wasn’t ready to share what had happened at the cemetery, but if he saw her, he’d find himself telling her. He wanted to hold on to it a little longer—to feel the pain and then release it. How sick was that?

  He wasn’t going to worry about that now. He had passes to catch. He and Austin might have been enemies, but they’d pretty much always been able to leave it off the field. Austin had an arm, and he had aim. All Justin had to do was be close to the spot he was supposed to be and Austin would get the ball to him.

  Too bad Justin couldn’t seem to hang on to a single pass. It was like the ball was greased or something. Every single pass slipped through his fingers. Coach blew the whistle and called him off the field.

  “If you’re going to play Friday, you’d better focus.” He lowered his sunglasses. “Everything okay?”

  “Yes sir.” He rubbed his hands on his thighs. “I’m good.”

  Coach replaced his sunglasses and nodded. Justin ran back on the field. That’s the way it was. Short and no extra bullshit words. The way it should be. They ran the drill again and focused on keeping the ball in his hands.

  On the field it didn’t matter that his family was effed up, or that Chelsea was gone. Here he could just be.

  After they were dismissed, he took his time going to the field house. He had no reason to hurry home. If his dad was home, he’d have to talk to him and he wasn’t ready. If he was at work, he’d have to face the echoes of the memory of the gun clattering to the floor. Either way, it sucked. Yep, that was his life.

  Caleb James was at the door when he entered the field house. “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah.” Justin pushed past him.

  Caleb followed. “Mickey and I are going to the Early Bird. Wanna go?”

  Home with memories and Dad. Diner with guys from the team. “Sure. I got nothing better to do.” Why wasn’t Ryan option number three?

  He wanted to see her. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and feel her against him. So what was his problem? She was the only good part of his life. She made him feel alive, happy.

  But tonight he didn’t want happy. Tonight he wanted to think about how much his life sucked. He wanted to wallow in it and let it suck him in.

  *

  As soon as they pushed open the screen door of the café, Justin regretted coming.

  Ashley Boyd and Courtney Randall sat at a four-top in the middle of the restaurant. Ashley jumped up so fast when she saw them that she knocked her chair over. Couldn’t they just ignore the girls and sit in the back corner?

  Apparently not. Caleb was quick to help Ashley with her chair and then took a seat next to her. Justin sat next to Courtney, with Mickey Williams on her other side. It would’ve been great if at least the girls had been fixing to leave, but no-o-o. They hadn’t ordered yet.

  Great. Just effing great.

  And as if the suck gods hadn’t rained enough shit on him, Kelsey Quinn was the waitress du jour. She brought a tray of water to their table and passed around menus. “I’ll be back in a sec to get your orders.”

  Justin jumped in before anybody else could order. “Can we have separate checks?” Not that he minded paying or everybody pitching in, but he wanted it to be clear that this was not a date—just in case Kelsey talked to her sister.

  Courtney stuck one end of the straw in her mouth and blew the wrapper at Justin, hitting him on the cheek. Everyone laughed as though it was the funniest thing ever. All Justin could manage was a weak smile.

  The girls droned on about something that had happened in the cafeteria. He laughed in the right places but his mind wasn’t really into hearing about some poor kid spilling a tray full of food.

  He sighed and leaned back in his chair. Okay, really it isn’t that bad. Better than sitting at home eating peanut butter sandwiches.

  That must have pissed off the suck gods, because before he could wipe the artificial smile off his face, he heard the screen door of the café squeak open. He turned toward the noise and a voice in his head screamed, Nooooo!

  Yep. It was Ryan. In the few seconds of eye contact he saw—no, felt her emotions travel from shock to hurt in a nanosecond. One-two-boom. He wanted to explain himself, but she turned her back on him and walked straight to Kelsey, taking a seat at the counter.

  He slumped back in his chair. “Crap.”

  Courtney fake-shivered. “Can you imagine having to go out in public with your face torn up like that? I’d just hide until it healed.”

  “Or at least cover it with some makeup,” Ashley said. “They make stuff especially to cover scars.”

  “I’m done.” Justin tossed his napkin on his plate and stood.

  Courtney grabbed his hand. “Come on, don’t leave.”

  He pulled his hand from hers and walked over to Ryan and Kelsey. “Hey.” His chest felt heavy. He should’ve texted her after practice. He should have been here with her.

  She looked up at him. “How was practice?” The words came out flat.

  “Okay. I’m sorry I didn’t text afterward.”

  She shrugged. “It’s cool.” She turned back to her sister. He’d just been dismissed.

  He leaned in so he could see her face. “Ryan, can we talk?”

  “Not now. I’m busy.”

  Kelsey didn’t say anything, but the look she gave him came through loud and clear: Leave my sister alone.

  But he couldn’t. He’d screwed up and he had to fix this. “Can I call?”

  Ryan didn’t look at him. “I can’t stop you.”

  Shit. Shit
. Shit. This was bad. “Please, don’t jump to conclusions. It wasn’t a date.”

  She turned to face him full on. “I don’t own you.” Her words were clipped and angry. But the thing that tore at his heart was the hurt in her eyes. Not like there were tears—only pain.

  Kelsey stepped closer to Ryan. “I think you need to leave.”

  “Okay.” He stepped away. He’d effed up the best thing he’d ever had. And the suck gods rejoiced.

  For now.

  He walked to the cash register where the rest of his group waited to pay. Courtney slipped her arm around his waist and looked at him. “You okay?”

  He backed away and put a hand up. “Not now.”

  He tossed a ten on the counter with the check and walked out. His truck was parked almost front and center, facing the door to the diner. He climbed in and opened the windows, but he didn’t start the engine. He wasn’t ready to leave. Not until he’d talked to Ryan.

  So he’d just sit here until she came out.

  18

  The store closed at six and she could have ridden home with her parents, but the last thing she wanted was to sit at home staring at her phone. So, she’d asked them to drop her off at the Early Bird. She’d hang out there and ride home with Kelsey.

  She was an idiot.

  When she walked through the door and saw Justin with those girls, a piece of her died. She felt it. It shriveled up and died. She’d been crazy to think a guy like him could look past her face for long.

  Sure, he felt bad. He’d been caught. But it didn’t matter. She was done. Her heart couldn’t take another battering. She was going to do what she should have done in the beginning, which was to focus on school, on getting the Teens Against Violence group together, and forgetting about Justin and his bag of shit. He obviously didn’t need her to get through it. So fine, she could go on with her life without worrying about him.

  After he left, Kelsey sat next to her on the swivel stool. “You’re way better off without him.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.” She toyed with a saltshaker. “How soon before you get off?”

  “Twenty minutes.” A group of middle-aged women entered the café and sat at a back table. Kelsey slid off the stool and pulled her order pad from her apron. “I need to get this order. Do you want a coke or something?”

  “No. I just need some air. I’ll be outside.”

  When she stepped out onto the sidewalk, the first thing she saw was a big black Ford F150. She didn’t know whether to be happy or angry, so that meant both feelings churned in her. She had two options. She could sit on the bench outside the diner and wait for him to come to her, or she could go right up to his truck and talk to him. Either way, they were going to talk. He’d waited for her, so obviously it was going to happen.

  She sat on the bench. She wasn’t chasing anybody.

  His door opened almost before her butt hit the weathered seat. She kept her eyes focused on the ground about ten feet in front of her.

  He sat next to her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know Ashley and Courtney were going to be here.”

  “I’m not worried about those girls.” It was true. It was obvious that Justin didn’t want to be with either of them.

  “You’re not? Good.” He studied his hands.

  She could tell he was trying to sort everything out in his brain. She let the silence fill the tension between them.

  He sat back and stretched his long legs in front of him. “I should’ve called.”

  She flopped against the back of the bench too. “Look Justin, you can hang out with whoever you want.” She looked down. “It’s just…”

  “Just what? I want to hang out with you.”

  She tilted her head and shifted her gaze toward him. “I could tell.”

  “It’s not like that. When we finished with practice, Caleb invited me to come here. I should’ve texted you. I just sort of—didn’t.”

  Wow. That hurt. “You don’t have to check in with me. I knew today was a big day for you. I just wanted to be there if you needed me. That’s all.” And obviously you didn’t.

  “But I do need you.”

  He sounded so fake it made her laugh. “Now you just sound like a player.”

  “I’m not. Not anymore.” He raised his voice.

  “Easy, boy. You don’t want my sister running out here to rescue me.”

  He dragged his hands through his hair, leaving it all messy and sexy. “I don’t want you to ever feel like you need to be rescued from me.” He twisted to face her and stretched his arm along the back of the bench. “Today was big for me.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I went to the cemetery.”

  “Wow. And?” And then chose to share that earth-shattering experience with someone else.

  “It was—horrible—and good. Afterward I had practice. You’re the only one I wanted to tell, but I—I just wasn’t ready. When Caleb asked me to hang out—I don’t know, it just seemed like a good way to not think about it.”

  Sucker punched. Right in the gut. “I’m glad you found someone to have fun with.”

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  “The thing is, I don’t want to be the girl you only talk to when you’re down.”

  “But you’re not. I want to be with you.”

  “I wish that were true. Think about it. You said yourself you weren’t ready to talk about it. You went out with them to take your mind off it.” He opened his mouth to argue, but she put a hand up. “Hear me out. Everything we’ve done together has been riddled with drama. We’ve never hung out just to have fun. That’s not normal. No wonder you didn’t text me. Being with me has always been heavy.”

  He didn’t argue. She knew he wouldn’t. But all the same, she wanted him to. As the seconds ticked between them, she willed him to deny what they both knew was true.

  She picked at her thumbnail. “Maybe we should take some time to get our lives together.”

  “Why? Can’t we just make it a point to do something crazy and fun? Come on, Ryan, let’s just try.”

  “Right now, whatever we do will turn all serious and deep. We don’t know how to have fun together. I need some time to get past what happened to me. You need to take time to heal with your family.” She placed her hands on his cheeks. “Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for rescuing me. Let’s not mistake this for love.”

  She dropped her hands and stood. He grabbed her hand and looked at her with pleading eyes. “Don’t go.”

  Her heart pounded in her chest. Part of her wanted to sit back down and snuggle into his arms. It would be so easy to lose herself in him and pretend her life wasn’t a hot mess. She bit her bottom lip. It was time to stand on her own two feet and face the people who called her slut and whore. “I can’t—not now.” She backed away and he let her hand slide from his fingers.

  She turned and went back into the café, where Kelsey looked at her from the kitchen side of the counter. “You okay?”

  Ryan flashed a smile that she hoped was more convincing than she felt. “No. But I will be.” Thankfully the place was almost empty and she was able to move close to the window. She watched Justin climb into his truck looking like he carried the world on his shoulders. It was good that she’d backed away from him. He didn’t need her drama.

  She took a seat on the swivel stool across from her sister. “Can I have a DP?”

  “Sure.”

  As she waited, the reality of what had just happened squeezed her heart in her chest. She’d just let her only friend go. She’d just told the one person who had been there for her to give her space.

  She took her phone out of her pocket and pulled up his name. She should tell him she’d been stupid and didn’t mean it.

  Kelsey set the Dr. Pepper in front of her. “What happened out there?”

  “I told him we needed space from each other.” She set the phone on the counter. “He’s dealing with so much, he doesn’t need my drama.”

  “He is m
essed up. I’m glad you finally see that.” Kelsey snagged a sip of the DP.

  “Hey. That’s mine.” She pulled the drink close. “He’s had a lot of stuff in his life. Who wouldn’t be a little crazy with all that crap?”

  Kelsey put up her hands as though she were surrendering. “Sorry. It’s cool that you’re giving him space. It’s kind of the ultimate sacrifice. It’s really romantic—in a tragic sort of way.”

  “Justin is not tragic.”

  Kelsey grabbed a pitcher of tea and scooted from behind the counter. “Yeah, he is.” She walked to a table in the back of the room to fill glasses.

  Ryan rested her elbows on the counter, cradled her head in her hands, and sipped her drink. He was tragic. He was a beautiful, sweet, sexy hot mess and she already missed him. She stared at his name on her phone. She hadn’t intended to back off, but it was the right thing to do—for both of them.

  She shoved the phone back in her pocket.

  *

  As she pulled away from him, dragging her fingers from his, a part of his soul went with her—torn from his chest and leaving ragged edges crying out to be whole again. Let’s not mistake this for love. Those words made the first ragged cut severing the part of him that would be lost to her forever.

  He wanted to tell himself that it was all Ashley and Courtney’s fault, but he couldn’t. The truth was that their relationship had been bundled with a whole lot of shit. It wasn’t fair to ask her to deal with his crap while she was dealing with the assholes at school.

  On the other hand, they could be stronger together. That was the thought he wanted to hang on to. Stronger together.

  He could get up, walk back into the diner, and tell her so. And… she’d look at him like he was crazy. Nope. Theatrics was the last thing Ryan wanted. If he wanted to be with her, he’d have to win her. He needed to get his shit together and allow her to deal with what she needed to. He had to back away, just as she asked.

  He trudged back to his truck. His body felt heavy, as though gravity were trying to suck him into the earth. Sadness had a way of doing that. He rolled his shoulders in a failed attempt to shed the feeling, pulled his body behind the wheel, and headed to the motherhouse of sadness.