Secret Admirer

by Gail Sattler

  The other possibility was Todd. Todd was—

  Shannon shook her head. Todd was not the Secret Admirer.

  She resumed her work until Faye told her it was time for lunch break. Faye ended up sitting with someone else, so she found herself once again sitting with Todd, as Faye had predicted.

  As usual, Todd was in a happy mood, and soon, he had her laughing so hard she nearly choked on her salad.

  Now was not the time to talk about Gary, about whom they had agreed to disagree. Before she could gather up her courage to ask Todd to join her and Gary the following Sunday morning, another employee appeared at their table to engage Todd in a conversation; one of the drivers had damaged a van.

  While they talked, Shannon studied Todd. She would never have thought of him as responsible; yet he was a good fit in his position. He admitted the driver’s degree of fault, but he also pronounced a fair judgment and recommended against disciplinary action for a number of good and valid reasons. Shannon knew Todd would stick up for her in the same way if something happened. Because Craig knew she had been seeing a lot of Todd, her brother continued to give her updates on his progress with the Lord. Yet, for all the changes, he was still the same old Todd.

  When they were finally alone again, Todd turned to her and sighed. “I have to ask you something. I’m having my mom over for dinner tomorrow. Do you know what I can cook her that’s good and healthy, too? Something with lots of vegetables. Remember it has to be easy, because I’m not very good in the kitchen.”

  Shannon smiled. Yes, he was still the same old Todd Sanders. She remembered one day when Todd and Craig had set something on fire in her mother’s kitchen. Since it hadn’t been an oil-based fire, Todd had used the sprayer from beside the kitchen sink to extinguish the fire. Her parents had arrived before the smoke residue cleared completely, but fortunately, the rest of the mess was cleaned up, except for one slightly blackened area on the hood above the stove, which remained to this day.

  “I can’t think of anything healthier than some nice stir-fried vegetables, maybe with cubed chicken and noodles. You can do that, can’t you?”

  Todd’s eyebrows raised. “I don’t know how to stir-fry noodles. I also don’t know how to cook vegetables unless they come out of a can.”

  Shannon rolled her eyes. “Canned vegetables are already cooked.”

  “Really? Then I’m halfway there. Can I buy cooked noodles, too, and just mix them together?”

  Shannon tipped her head to one side slightly. He looked on the verge of desperate. She didn’t know why cooking vegetables for his mother was so important, instead of just cooking her a nice meal, but she didn’t need to know. Something inside her wanted to help him. “I’m not doing anything tonight. If you want, we can go shopping together. I’ll show you what to buy, and I can tell you how to cook it.”

  “I have a better idea. How about if I buy double of everything I need, you show me how to cook it, and then I’ll cook the second batch tomorrow by myself?”

  She wanted to protest and tell him he wouldn’t enjoy the same thing two days in a row. But she often stir-fried a meal one day, then enjoyed the leftovers more the next day when they were already cooked and all she had to do was reheat them.

  More important, she needed a chance to be alone with Todd. It had been on her conscience for two weeks that she should apologize to him for the way she told him not to attend church with her when she took Gary. Also, she wanted to reinvite him and hope he accepted. She didn’t know what was wrong between Todd and Gary, but ever since they’d attended church together Shannon detected a strain between them. Not only did Gary tend to be more critical of Todd, Todd stopped joking when Gary entered the room. She didn’t want something she’d said or done to affect their working relationship, especially since Gary was Todd’s supervisor. But first, she had to find out what was wrong so she could deal with it.

  “That sounds like a great idea. It’s time to get back to work. I’ll see you at 4:30.”

  ❧

  An afternoon never passed so slowly.

  Every minute felt like an hour.

  At 4:30 sharp, Shannon walked into the dispatch office, her purse slung over her shoulder. “Ready to go?”

  Todd looked up at the clock. “Actually, no. I have to wait for Dave to call in and let me know he doesn’t need a helper. If he doesn’t, then I can go.”

  “No problem. I’ll be at my desk. I can always find something to keep me busy.”

  At 4:37, the radio beeped, signaling Dave’s call. After Dave confirmed he didn’t need a second man sent out, Todd packed up his paperwork and poked his head in Gary’s office. Gary was busy typing on his computer, but he acknowledged Todd with a nod.

  “I’m gone for the day,” Todd said from the doorway, not stepping inside Gary’s office.

  “I hear you’re doing something with Shannon.”

  Todd stiffened from head to foot. What he did on his own time was none of Gary’s business. What he did with Shannon was especially none of Gary’s business. But he wasn’t going to hide the fact he spent time with her. Every day she didn’t go out to lunch with Gary, Todd made sure he took his break at the same time as Shannon. Everyone saw them together, including Gary, and Todd didn’t care. As far as everyone was concerned, they were old, childhood friends, and that was exactly what he wanted them to think. “That’s right.”

  “She tells me she’s not currently dating anyone. I trust that includes you, too.”

  Unfortunately, it did include him. In the time he’d spent with Shannon since he started leaving her the notes, the right moment had never come up to tell her how he felt. He rationalized the delay not by admitting his fear of rejection, but by telling himself she was still enjoying reading the notes every morning.

  Todd crossed his arms and stretched himself to stand as tall as he could. “For now.”

  Gary continued to type on his computer. “Just making sure my options are open.” Gary’s hands stilled, and he raised his eyes to stare at Todd intently as he spoke. “And that they stay open.”

  “That’s up to Shannon now, isn’t it, Gary?” Before Gary could respond and before Todd said something he would regret later, he clamped his mouth shut. He spun around to leave and froze.

  Shannon was standing in the doorway leading into the dispatch office.

  Todd’s heart pounded. She was standing where Gary couldn’t see her. Since she hadn’t spoken, he didn’t know she was there. And Todd intended to keep it that way.

  In two steps, he was at her side. Without speaking, he gently gripped her elbow, guided her so she turned around, and nudged her to start walking. She didn’t say a word until they were outside in the parking lot.

  “What was that all about? What’s up to me?”

  “Whether or not you decide to go out with him.”

  “Go out with him?” Shannon sputtered. “Why are you discussing with Gary who I’m going out with?”

  Todd rammed one hand in his pocket for his keys. As he did so, his fingers brushed the note he’d intended to leave in Shannon’s drawer but hadn’t because they’d exited the building together. “I wasn’t discussing anything. Gary brought it up, not me. I told him what you did is up to you. But I think you know by now how I feel about your seeing Gary.”

  Her face tightened. “And you know by now how I feel about him. This is my decision, as you said.”

  Todd’s stomach clenched. He’d watched Gary pour his seductive routine over Shannon for the past couple of weeks. From what he’d seen, she was falling for it because she wasn’t telling Gary to take a hike. She still went out with him for lunch about every other day. From the things Gary said to Bryan and Rick upon his return, he knew Shannon had omitted parts of the conversation when she recounted to him what was said. Not that she owed him an explanation. What she did and whom she chose to spend her time with was her decision. Regardless of how it hurt. “If you don’t mind, I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Neither
do I,” she replied tersely.

  Todd clenched his teeth, then began to pat his pockets, making it look as if he couldn’t find something. “I’ll be right back. Or if you want, I’ll meet you at my place. I have to go back inside for a minute.”

  Shannon sighed loudly. “Did you lose your keys again? We go through this same routine at least a couple of times a week. I think I’m going to buy you one of those key-chain things with a voice-activated signal.”

  He knew she thought he was a birdbrain, but if Shannon left at the same time he did, he wouldn’t get a chance to slip a new note in her drawer. She had started coming to work earlier in the morning, so he was no longer certain he would arrive before her. He had to make sure he left each new note when he went home at the end of the day.

  “Very funny,” he grumbled, trying to make it sound as if he was annoyed. “I’ll be right back.”

  No one was in the main office when he returned, making his mission fast and efficient. He was back in the parking lot at the same time Shannon’s car pulled up to the exit. While she waited for an opening in the traffic, she turned around, so he held his keys in the air and waved. She waved back to acknowledge that he had them, then turned back to the traffic and pulled out as soon as she had an opening.

  Todd hurried home, arriving only a minute behind her. She left her car in the visitor parking and hopped into his car to go to the supermarket, where he pretended he knew what she bought, when he had no clue what some of the strange things were called. Soon they were in his kitchen, ready to start cooking. She showed him how to cut the chicken into small pieces and cook it. Then they added cut-up vegetables while the noodles cooked in another pot.

  “This would go so much easier if you had a wok.”

  “I’m lucky to have this big frying pan. I just bought it a couple of weeks ago. I found it at a garage sale. I didn’t know this was going to be such a complicated thing with so much to do.”

  “You said you wanted to make something that was mostly vegetables.”

  Todd lifted the lid to the pan and tested a noodle to see if it was cooked. “I know. My mother doesn’t eat enough vegetables.”

  Shannon smiled. “Usually, it’s the other way around. Mothers telling their sons they don’t eat enough vegetables.”

  Todd didn’t reply. Instead, he grunted so she would think he’d said something.

  “How’s your mother doing anyway? My mom was asking about her again. Lately, I’ve been seeing you more than Craig. In fact, I don’t think you’ve done anything with Craig for a week, since he’s been seeing so much of Faye. So Mom asked me instead of Craig to ask you about your mom.”

  “She’s doing better,” he mumbled.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t know she was sick. You never talk about your mom.”

  “There isn’t much to say,” he muttered as he replaced the lid. “I don’t think these are done yet.”

  He flinched as Shannon’s fingers rested on his arm. Todd looked first at Shannon’s hand on his arm, then up at her face to see the saddest expression he’d ever seen.

  “I don’t know what’s wrong with your mom. My mom has been asking me about her ever since we’ve been working together, so I know it’s not that she had the flu or something temporary. Todd, please tell me what’s wrong.”

  “It’s nothing.”

  Her grip tightened for a second as she gave his arm a gentle squeeze. “Maybe there’s something I can do.”

  He stiffened. “There’s nothing you can do. There’s nothing anyone can do. Except Mom. When she decides herself.”

  Todd lifted the lid again and watched the noodles in the boiling water. Even though he doubted much had changed in the last thirty seconds, he poked at them with the fork, about to taste another noodle, which forced Shannon to release his arm.

  He didn’t want to talk to Shannon about his mother. Only a few people knew besides the social worker. Craig knew everything, but he’d said a few tidbits to Craig’s mother in a moment of weakness. At the time, it felt good to get some of it off his chest; but later, he regretted saying anything because she kept asking how things were going, and he never had anything good to report. The only other person who knew what was going on was his pastor, and Todd planned to keep it that way.

  In his peripheral vision, he saw Shannon shuffle around so she was behind him. He was about to scoop up another noodle when Shannon’s arms slipped around his waist. He nearly dropped both the fork and the lid when she held him tight and pressed her cheek into his back between his shoulder blades.

  “Come on, Todd. You can talk to me. I want to help you. Can’t I do more than help you cook? Even if there’s nothing else I can do, I can pray for her.”

  He clenched his teeth. But when she started rubbing little circles on his arm with her hand, he felt as if he would fall apart. He nearly threw the fork and lid onto the counter so he could peel her off him. As he covered her hand with his own, Shannon sighed. The heat of her breath through his shirt warmed a spot below his shoulder blade, and the movement of the sigh pressed her closer to him. Instead of pulling her hands off, he found himself holding them tighter, just to keep her there.

  “You can tell me,” she whispered against his back. “That’s what friends are for.”

  Friends. Todd squeezed his eyes shut. He wanted so much more. Lately, he’d had dreams of spending his life with Shannon, not just at work, but living together as man and wife, with a dozen kids in a cozy, stable little house with a white picket fence and a big black dog in the backyard. Instead, Shannon was spending more time with Gary.

  Todd had planned to talk to her today about Gary while they were cooking, although they were nearly finished and he still hadn’t thought of a way to put his thoughts into words. He knew she liked Gary. But Todd couldn’t tell her everything, especially how Gary threatened his job. Regardless of how she felt about Gary, if he told her what Gary had said, she was bound to say something to him that would get both of them fired. That would end the relationship, but Todd didn’t want Shannon to lose her job because of something he’d started. He needed to think of a better way. He couldn’t think properly with Shannon wrapped around him, though. But he didn’t want her to be anywhere else.

  Todd forced his thoughts away from Gary and back to what they were talking about earlier—his mother.

  He tried to clear his throat, but his voice came out in a hoarse croak. “No one can help. She’s been like this since my dad left when I was in my teens. I help her a little bit with the basics when she comes over for dinner on Tuesdays, and I go through her stuff.”

  “Go through her stuff? I don’t understand.” Todd’s head swam. He chose his words carefully. “She’s never been good with money or anything that required any planning or advance preparation. She doesn’t take care of herself, and she’s not good with commitments, but she will come here every Tuesday for dinner and for me to balance her checkbook. That’s why I want to feed her something with lots of vegetables. It’s the only good meal she gets all week.”

  Shannon’s hands didn’t move beneath his, but she gave him a short, gentle squeeze. “I can’t imagine anyone cooking any worse than you do. Between you and Craig, I remember a few disasters in my mom’s kitchen. But that’s so sweet. Do you give her leftovers to take home?”

  “Yes, but she eats everything when she gets home, and the next day it’s back to the usual patterns.”

  He felt her arms stiffen. Part of him wanted her never to let him go, but the more sensible part of him told him to pick up her hands and push her away. Having Shannon’s arms around him had altered his judgment, and he’d already said more than he should have.

  “Usual patterns? What usual patterns?”

  She gave him another gentle squeeze. All Todd’s selfconstraint melted away. He pressed his hands more firmly over hers, as if the closer contact could make everything better.

  “On payday, if she’s working, she blows all her money on stupid things—cigarettes, movies, clothe
s, things she doesn’t need. I know a lot of the money goes toward illegal drugs, but I can never catch her with them. And then she has nothing. Often she can’t pay the rent, and the landlord threatens to evict her. That’s one reason why I go through her checkbook. I don’t give her money because she’ll spend it, then not tell me what she did with it. So I pay her landlord myself. I also give her groceries, but sometimes she sells them for much less than I paid for them, just to get a couple of dollars for more drugs. When she’s completely out of food and money, I make her come here, and I feed her. When she’s hungry enough, she comes, even if it isn’t Tuesday.”

  Shannon squeezed him tighter. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. Isn’t there anything you can do? Can’t social assistance help her? Or a counselor at church or something? There are agencies and all sorts of places she can go to for help.”

  Todd remained silent while he tried to maintain his composure, grateful Shannon was behind him and couldn’t see his face. He did feel awkward talking to her this way, though it was easier. He’d talked to his mother’s social worker and his pastor more times than he could count. As an adult, he understood more of her mental state than before, but in his teen years, he hadn’t known what was wrong or what he could do about it. He only knew that none of his friends lived the way he did.

  Craig had been the only one to see through the show he put on for the rest of the world. Todd had confided in him, especially when matters got bad and his mother started selling his belongings when he wasn’t home. Whenever he confronted her about his things being missing, especially treasured or high-priced items, she either yelled at him or slapped him for accusing her of stealing.

  Since she was his mother, he certainly couldn’t hit her back, even when she went berserk and hit him repeatedly. Once, he remembered breaking down in front of Craig when he asked him how things were going. That was when Craig had involved his pastor, but his mother only got worse and kicked him out. It was the worst thing she could have done for herself, but perhaps it was best for Todd. By then, he couldn’t do anything more, and it gave him the separation he needed. He’d been an adult then and already supporting her for the most part for years. Now he helped her from a distance, when she was desperate enough to accept it.