Enough

by Dawn L. Chiletz

  “Are you dying?” Kale asks with dread.

  “No, Kale! I’m not dying. Why would you think that?”

  “My friend Scott’s mom got sick and went to the hospital. He said she never came home. He said she had cancer.”

  “That’s terrible, but no. I don’t have cancer. I’m not going anywhere, okay?” I cup his chin in my hand.

  “Then what’s up, Mom?” Marlow asks.

  My eyes flutter between them. I wonder if they’re old enough to understand. I wonder if it’s too much to put on their shoulders.”

  “Just tell us, Mom,” Marlow says. “We can handle it. We’re tougher than most kids.”

  “Yeah,” Kale interjects. He points toward Marlow. “She fell down yesterday while we were playing kickball and skinned her knee real bad. She didn’t even flinch. She got up and kept on playing. Most girls would have cried, but not Marlow. She’s tough!”

  I immediately check her knees. The left one is covered with a bandage. Marlow beams proudly at Kale’s words, and I can feel my pride and love for them grow in my chest.

  “Are you really okay?” I ask her skeptically.

  “Mom, weren’t you listening? I’m totes fine!”

  I laugh to myself. These kids are the best medicine in the world. I take a deep breath and glance over to Kay. She nods her head to me, giving me the approval and the confidence I need.

  “You are tough, and I’m so proud of you. You know that, right?”

  They nod. I hold their small hands in mine and take a steadying breath. “Have you ever gotten good news and bad news in the same day?”

  Marlow shrugs and Kale turns his head to think. “Yeah,” he says. “Like when I have no homework and then I find out you’re making broccoli for dinner.”

  I laugh lightly, and Marlow’s expression changes with understanding.

  “Well, yesterday I got some really great news and then I got some really bad news. See… I thought we were going to have another baby, but then I found out I was wrong.”

  “What do you mean?” Marlow questions.

  I shake my head. It’s not coming out the way I want it to. I glance up at Grandma Kay and she sits down next to me. Her comforting closeness helps me continue. I try again. “I wasn’t feeling well, and I found out it was because I was going to have a baby. But when I got to the hospital, I found out the baby wasn’t strong enough to survive.”

  “It died?” Kale asks.

  I nod my head and feel tears threaten once more. I remind myself that I need to be strong.

  “It died?” Marlow repeats.

  I nod once more, and I see her gaze fall to the floor. She pushes her hands to her eyes and starts to cry. Kale just stares at me. I know he doesn’t know what to say.

  “Hey.” I grab her and pull her onto my lap. “It’s okay. You know why?” I ask. I take Kale’s hand and pull him to me as well. To my surprise, he lets me.

  I wrap my arms around them. “It’s okay because Grandma and Grandpa London are going to take care of her for us.”

  Marlow points to Grandma Kay. “But she’s here. Is she going to heaven too?”

  “No, not this Grandma London. My mom. Grandma Kay is my dad’s mom.”

  Marlow stares at Grandma Kay and she nods her head.

  “It was a girl?” Kale asks.

  “I don’t know,” I tell him. “But I feel like it was, so that’s what I’m going with. He could have been a boy. Either way, Mommy is just a little sad right now. But I promise I’ll be better very soon.”

  Kale stands and hugs me tightly. “I’ll take care of you, Mom.”

  “Me too,” Marlow repeats in both words and action.

  I sit there and hold my living children in my arms. I remember how blessed I am that they’re mine. “I love you guys. You two amaze me. Every single day.” I feel a tear slide down my cheek and wipe it away immediately. “Is that spaghetti I smell?” It’s a poor attempt to change the subject, but by Marlow’s expression, it appears to work.

  “My pagetti!” Marlow yells as she leaps up to check on it. Grandma Kay follows, assuring her it’s fine.

  Kale is quiet and pensive. “You okay?” I ask.

  His head lifts immediately and nods once. “Yep. You?”

  “Yep.” And for the first time I feel like it might be true.

  As Kale sets the table, I explain to them how Aunt Gwen is going to be staying with us for a few days and how Daddy might need to go to Grandpa and Grandma Haley’s to help out for a while. They seem fine with it. They rarely see their dad during the week anyway.

  Gwen joins us for dinner, and after clean-up Grandma Kay lets me know she’s going to be staying for a few days as well, just to make sure everything goes smoothly. It’s like a fiesta in our home for the kids. They’re in heaven with all the attention Gwen and Grandma Kay shower upon them. They fight me on going to bed until I remind them that both of them will be here when they wake up.

  I sit on the couch for most of the night. It’s nice to have company. They make me stronger just by their presence. After both kids are in bed and Grandma Kay retires to sleep with Marlow, Gwen opens up a Walton’s bag she hid behind the others on the counter and pulls out a bottle of wine. I start to speak and she stops me, holding up her hand in Gwen style.

  “Before you say no, you’re only taking Tylenol. It won’t interact with one glass.”

  “I wasn’t going to say no. I was going to tell you where to find the glasses. You might have to dust them off.”

  Gwen laughs. I watch her open the cabinet, remove two, and blow on them before rinsing them out.

  “They don’t see a lot of action,” I tell her.

  She stares at one. “I completely relate, glass. I don’t see much action either.”

  I genuinely laugh. Leave it to Gwen to make me smile when I want to frown.

  After several sips and no conversation, I break the silence. “Tell me what to do, Gwen. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. I’m incapable of making any decisions for myself right now.”

  Gwen takes a long lingering sip. “As much as I’d like to tell you what to do, I can also clearly see that your life is not cut-and-dry. I would never pretend to know what it’s like to be responsible for not one, but two kids. Every decision you make is not only for you, but also for them. I just want you to know that whatever you decide, I will support you one hundred percent. Even if you decide to stay with him.”

  “What?” My head cocks to the side and my eyes bulge. “Is that what you think I should do?”

  “I don’t know what you should do.” She shrugs. “I can only tell you how I feel and what I see. It’s not my decision to make.”

  “Then tell me what you see. I need you to be brutally honest with me.”

  “I think you’ve had enough brutal honesty for one day. No one is forcing you to decide anything right now. I’m not going anywhere. We can talk about this tomorrow, or the next day, or even the day after that. I took the week off.”

  “You took your vacation time?” I suddenly feel guilty as hell. Gwen wanted to go hiking to the mountains on her vacation.

  “I took FMLA. I told them my sister needed medical care.”

  “Don’t you need a doctor’s note for that?”

  “Yep,” she states while sipping her wine. “Dr. Hermightis likes me. He knows Dr. Gernsbaugh, and they agreed I was good medicine.”

  “Dr. Hermightis?”

  “Ha! I know, right?” Gwen says with a laugh. “You should hear the shit people call him: Dermatitis Hermightis, Arthritis Hermightis, Gastritis, Bursitis, Rhinitis...

  We both hear Roscoe’s woof, and our combined dread is apparent.

  “Fuck,” I whisper.

  “Just be strong. You got this,” Gwen encourages as she takes my wine and squeezes my hand. And if you don’t have it, then I do.” She stands and takes our glasses to the kitchen. I’m glad she thought to remove them. I don’t need to be judged tonight.

  I instinctively begin
to bite my nails. I feel a cramp in my abdomen and remember I shouldn’t be nervous. He should.

  He opens the door and sighs. For a moment I feel badly for him. Maybe it’s instinct or habit, but I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I still love him. I can’t help it. Then I remember how he treated me, and my want is replaced with disgust and anger. I could have bled to death on the floor and he wouldn’t have cared. In fact, he’d have been off the hook.

  He lifts his head as he strolls into the kitchen and gapes as Gwen returns to the family room. “Ah, fuck. You were serious about her?” he asks, pointing.

  “As serious as a heart attack,” Gwen responds through gritted teeth.

  Mike stands with his hands on hips and glares down at me. “Ev, we need to talk. Just tell her to go home.”

  “Gwen isn’t going anywhere.”

  Gwen crosses her arms and smiles. I can see she pisses Mike off, and I feel a sick amount of joy from it.

  “Can we please talk for a minute? Alone?”

  I sigh heavily. “I got this,” I mumble.

  “Yeah, call off your personal pit bull and put her outside.”

  “You’re really pushing it,” Gwen says with an edge to her words, fake stepping toward him. He raises his hands in defense. Gwen laughs loudly and hits her hands on her thighs. “Such a pussy,” she whispers before turning toward me. “Just call if you need me.”

  I nod.

  Mike places his keys on the counter and pulls at his tie as he stammers toward me. “How are you feeling? Do you need anything, babe?”

  I huff loudly in response. “Are you kidding me? Do I need anything? Why yes, Mike. As a matter of fact, I do.”

  He closes his eyes to prepare for the blow. “What?”

  I take a deep breath. This isn’t a pissing match. It’s serious. It’s time for me to think about what’s best for all of us right now. I speak calmly and quietly. “What I really need, more than anything, is just some space and some time.”

  “What do you mean space and time?”

  “If you ever cared for me, at all, could you please just give me some alone time? I need to think things through. I need to heal. Not just my body, but my heart.”

  “I said I was sorry. Why are you doing this to our family?”

  My eyes protrude, and I feel anger rise up like bile in my throat. I force myself to remain calm. “I’m not doing anything. I’m just asking for a few days. A week, maybe. Can’t you just stay with your parents?”

  “This is my house! Why should I have to leave?”

  “Mike, please!” As much as I want to be strong, I have zero control over my emotions and the tears begin to flow. His attitude reminds me of how I felt yesterday when my world was crashing down around me. I thought his words would be the worst pain I could feel. Little did I know, in a matter of a few hours, I would experience a pain that would tear my soul in two. He wasn’t capable of inflicting that kind of pain on me, because as much as I thought I loved him, I loved her more.

  “Oh man… Stop crying! Just stop,” he begs.

  I can’t look at him. I don’t care if my tears make him uncomfortable. I’ve yet to see him shed one tear for her. Does he even realize what he’s lost? It’s not just her. It’s me. He’s lost the part of me that believed in his words and his actions—the part of me that believed in him. I tell myself that someday he’ll regret losing me because he never deserved the love I felt for him. Someday, maybe he’ll regret everything he ever said to me. At least that’s what I hope.

  The silence of the room coupled with my light sobs appears to be more than he can handle. “Fine! I’ll go. But you have one week. No more! And I expect to see the kids. You won’t keep them from me.”

  I nod my head and he stomps up the stairs. Twenty minutes later, he returns with a bag and several shirts draped over his arm. “Did you pick up my blue dress shirt from the cleaners? The one with the stripes?” he asks.

  I stare at him blankly. I don’t give two shits about his shirt.

  He glares at me for a few seconds before he tells me to forget it. He grabs his laptop and his keys. He looks me over for a moment before he struts out the door. I hear the door slam shut behind him, and I see red. I remember what Grandma Kay told me about my father’s father, and I wonder if painting my door will keep him away forever. I’ve had enough.

  I’M AMAZED BY how much easier life has become with Grandma Kay and Gwen here to help. I’ve been so used to doing everything on my own that I never gave the work a second thought. Mike came to get the kids on Sunday. They went out for dinner and a movie. The kids were thrilled. They seemed mostly unaffected by Mike’s departure. They weren’t used to seeing him anyway, and Gwen and Grandma Kay provided a needed distraction.

  I’ve had a lot of time to weigh my options. Neither Gwen nor my grandmother have brought up Mike, and I’m thankful for it. I needed to think things through and make my own decisions. I needed those decisions to be smart. I needed to know they were the right ones in both my head and my heart. I’ve thought back through everything Mike and I have been through. Ten years is nothing to shake your fist at. It was a significant portion of my life, even if it was based on a lie. I needed to decide if he was part of my story or if he was my whole story. Something inside clicked after I lost her. Nothing would ever be the same again. I’ve wondered if Mike has another deal in the works with his parents. Then I’ve wondered if maybe he really does love me like he says he does. Maybe it was a lie in a lie just to hurt me. Maybe he didn’t mean it after all. Am I being the selfish one by asking him to leave?

  His mom calls me three days later to tell me how sad Mike is and how badly she feels for him. She asks me how I could be so cruel as to kick him out of his house after he suffered the devastating loss of our baby. I cringe and bite my tongue. In her eyes, Mike can do no wrong. She does what she thinks is best for her child. Even though I know he’s lying to her, I don’t feel too badly for her after she slips up and admits that Mike would have married me with or without their ultimatum. She says he just loves me that much.

  It’s all I need to hear. For days I’ve considered if maybe he was telling me the truth. If maybe he just made it up to upset me, like he said. I’ve agonized over it because I no longer trusted myself or my instincts. Years of questioning my gut has left me constantly doubting my true feelings and needs. Her words confirm what I’ve known inside all along. That night I got the truth out of him, probably for the first time in his life. I think back to all the times he made me doubt myself. All the times he said I’d heard him wrong or I misunderstood. Where has Everly London gone? Before I met him, I was mostly confident and self-assured. Now all I’m sure of is that I’m not sufficient to make him happy or make him want me. It’s a regular thought pattern for me. Somewhere in my life, I went from knowing everything to knowing nothing—from knowing who I was to not recognizing myself anymore. I’m so used to doing what I think everyone else wants or needs that I forget to think about me. Now I’m not sure I want anything at all.

  My emotions are in complete disarray. I try to compartmentalize them. I try to put on a show for the kids, acting like everything is fine. But after they leave for school, I find myself crawling back into bed and crying my eyes out on my pillow.

  Five days after I lose her, I stop bleeding. I don’t want it to stop. It means my body is healing, and I’m not ready. My soul will never heal, and I feel like my body is betraying my heart. I hate myself for healing. I hate myself for getting past the miscarriage. I want to mourn her forever. I want to curl up into a ball and live in my guilt and self-hatred for not being enough to keep her safe. Even though my intellectual brain knows I didn’t cause her death, I still curse myself for losing control that night. For letting her slip away. Somehow it makes it easier to have someone to blame. My guilt keeps me in pain, and I want to suffer. I deserve it.

  Grandma Kay must be able to sense that I’ve taken a turn for the worse. She forces me to get up and
take a shower. She forces me to eat breakfast, and then she forces me to look at myself in the mirror.

  “What do you see?” she asks me.

  I can’t bring myself to look at my reflection. Inside that mirror is the woman who is singlehandedly responsible for my self-hate and lack of self-respect. She’s ruined my life. She’s taken my smile. She hates me and I hate her.

  “Look at yourself, child. Look! What do you see?”

  “I can’t! I can’t look at her. I hate her.”

  “She’s you, songbird. You can’t hate yourself!”

  “Yes I can. She’s a monster. She destroyed me. I trusted her judgement and she failed me.”

  “Oh, child.” Grandma Kay hugs me close. “Let me tell you what I see when I look at you. I see a girl who was forced to grow up before it was time. I see a child who lost her parents just when she needed them the most. I see a girl who kept me sane. Who gave me a reason to get up every day. That girl made me smile. She made me laugh and look at life for the beautiful gift that it is. She taught me to be grateful every day. She was, is, and always will be my most precious gift.”

  “You see what you want to see,” I tell her. “You look at the world through rose-colored glasses, Gram, and I’ve never owned a pair. I’m not you. I can’t paint a door and move on. I lost a child. How can I move on from that?”

  Grandma Kay squares my shoulders and stares me straight in the eyes. “I lost my baby too. He was my everything. I get it. I really do. But God, he also gave me you, just like he gave you Kale and Marlow. You can’t give up. Yes, you lost a child. If I could save you from that pain in life, songbird, I would. But there’s a reason for everything under the sun. You have two children who live, and they need their momma. Mike has never been much of a father. I’ve seen it from day one, but I’ve kept my mouth shut because it’s none of my business. But you need to hear this, so I’m gonna say it. Those kids would not be the amazing forces of light they are without you. Do you hear me? You need to stop looking at everything that went wrong and start focusing on what is right.”

  “I don’t want to,” I say honestly. “I just want to be sad. I want to hate me. I want to be miserable. It’s what I know. I want the pain to stay, that way I know I won’t forget.”