Hide and Snake Murder

by Jessie Chandler

  “Shay! You’re a sight for these sore eyes.”

  My heart stilled, then began to pound wildly in my chest. “Eddy!” I threw my arms around her.

  After a rib-crushing hug, Eddy released me. “I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m glad you’re here.” She reached up and patted my cheek.

  Her dark-brown eyes looked sunken, and her ever-ready smile was absent. Salt and pepper hair shaved close to her scalp framed the smooth cocoa-colored skin on her face.

  She said, “We’ve been walking the streets. That boy is nowhere to be found. I think I plumb near wore Agnes out.” If Eddy was on a mission, watch out. I could hardly keep up with her myself when she was going full-steam-ahead.

  Then I noticed Agnes behind Eddy. Talk about opposites. She was thin and taller than I was, even with her slightly stooped shoulders. She was as pale as Eddy was dark. Eddy’s extra bit of padding made her huggable, whereas an Agnes embrace felt as if I was squeezing a pliable beanpole.

  Agnes said, “Eddy sure did wear me out. First finding that all-night card game and then dragging me through the nastiest corners of the French Quarter. We’re lucky you didn’t get us killed when you kept waking up the street people asking if they’d seen Rocky.”

  Eddy glared at her. “Did you have a better idea? No. If it’s been up to you, we’d still be sitting at that poker table.”

  “I was on a streak—”

  “Losing streak.”

  “Not until those last hands—”

  “That’s right. That’s when I kicked your skinny butt.”

  “You didn’t do any butt kicking, you old bat. That prissy man on your right took my last chip.”

  Eddy inhaled and was about to unleash another insult.

  “LADIES!” I shouted. Agnes and Eddy were good pals, but picked at each other about anything and everything. It didn’t really matter what the subject was, they could find something to yap about.

  They glared at another a moment longer, broke eye contact.

  I studied Agnes. “You look like you could use a breather.” Dark circles ringed her watery blue eyes, and her face looked even more pinched than usual. Of course, one problem was that she imbibed a little too much vodka a little too often. She hadn’t had an easy life, and I thought she deserved sainthood for taking Baz in after her niece—Baz’s mom—skipped town with a door-to-door insurance salesman. That was after Baz’s dad keeled over and expired at the racetrack one hot summer day, in the middle of betting away the family nest egg. The apple sure didn’t fall far from the tree.

  She waved a knobby-knuckled hand at me. “I really am concerned for Rocky. Don’t you worry about me, I’m fine.”

  I said, “I know you are. Come on. Coop and Baz are in the bar.”

  We found Coop ogling a tanned young woman sitting two stools down from where he and Baz were perched. She had a pack of Newports sitting in front of her and was puffing away as she chatted with the bartender. I realized, after a second, that Coop was drooling over the cigarettes, not the girl.

  Baz slumped dejectedly, one hand holding up his chin, and the other making repeated trips from a basket of popcorn to his mouth. He straightened up as soon as he caught sight of us and brightened perceptibly.

  “Basil!” Agnes said. “What have you done now?”

  Coop ripped his attention away from the pack of smokes and muttered under his breath, “Long fucking story.”

  Good thing Agnes had a hearing problem.

  “Hey,” Baz said as he slid off the stool. “Agnes. Wow, am I ever glad to see you.” Watching Agnes embrace short little Baz was a sight. It looked like a she was hugging a rotund ten-year-old.

  “And Nicholas. How are you, dear?” Agnes patted Coop’s cheek.

  “Doing fine. We need to have another dominoes rematch sometime soon. After we deal with Baz’s problem.” Dominoes was the latest Mad Knitters fad. While poker still held the number one spot as their non-knitting diversion of choice, they always liked to broaden their gaming horizons, as Eddy was fond of saying.

  “Indeed we do, dear, indeed we do.” Agnes fixed her eyes on Baz. “What’s going on now, nephew?” She arched a thin, penciled-in eyebrow at him.

  I spoke before Baz could answer. “Let’s take this reunion to your hotel room.” The last thing we needed was another surprise appearance of the despicable duo, especially before we’d completely briefed Agnes and Eddy on what was going down.

  We exited the elevator in the middle of the second floor. The hallway was narrow but beautifully maintained. Eight rooms occupied each side, and six-paned windows let light in at each end. A red and black runner stretched the length of the hardwood floor. Antique wall sconces flickered next to each entry.

  Agnes stopped in front of the third room from the end and unlocked the door with an old-fashioned key.

  Two double beds and a table with three ladder-back chairs occupied half the space. The other half contained a sleeper sofa, a TV, and a small refrigerator. The carpet was a lush maroon pile and the walls were painted light sepia. An early-twentieth-century drawing of the French Quarter hung above the table.

  Eddy and Agnes claimed two of the chairs while Baz took the third. Coop and I perched on the bed.

  Agnes said, “Okay, Basil. What have you gotten yourself into this time?”

  “Why does everyone think I’m always doing something wrong?” Baz grumbled.

  I leaned back and propped myself up with my elbows. “It’s like your calling card. Your state of being.”

  Baz sneered at me. “Oh you think you’re all that—”

  “Do not!”

  “Do too. Ever since you got that prize for climbing rope the fastest in gym class in second grade—”

  “At least I could do it. If I remember right, you couldn’t make it off the ground.”

  “I have weak arms.”

  “Weak arms? I think your problem was you schmoozed one too many pieces of cake from the cooks.”

  “You’re just jealous I got extra—”

  “Children!” Eddy bellowed. “Shut up.”

  I snapped my mouth closed. Baz and I could be a little Eddy and Agnes-like at times.

  In a quieter voice, Eddy said, “Basil, just tell us what’s happened.”

  Baz took a deep breath. “Fine. Agnes, did you do something with that stuffed toy green snake I brought home the other day?”

  “Oh,” Agnes said. “Of course I did. I gave it to Rocky when he and Eddy came over to pick me up for the airport. He’s been wearing it around his neck since we got here. Thinks it’s quite something else. Why?”

  “I need it back.”

  “For what? You grew out of stuffed animals in your twenties.”

  Stuffed animals in his twenties? What a great razzing point. I looked at Baz, waiting for him to answer, wondering how much he’d admit to his aunt.

  “I, uh, borrowed it from a friend and they want it back.”

  “Basil, you know better than to lie to me.” Agnes sighed sadly, and then asked in a resigned voice, “Who’d you steal it from?”

  Before he could answer, my cell rang, jangling my already frayed nerves.

  Expectant faces looked at me I pulled it off my hip and answered, “Hello?”

  “Shay?” April McNichi’s voice boomed through the speaker.

  “Yeah, it’s me. What’s up?”

  “Houdini found Rocky.”

  “Where?”

  “Remember Houdini mentioning a girl who made balloon animals?”

  “Yep.”

  “She goes by Tulip, and I think it’s a match made in heaven. They are so similar it’s freakish. Tulip’s incorporated your boy in her act, and he’s wowing tourists by reciting random facts and doing instantaneous mathematical calculations.”

  “Well, that sounds like our Rocky.” My heart unclenched a little. Thank goodness he wasn’t dead or hurt.

  “Houdini is on the way to your hotel with him now. He should be there any time.”

  “I
don’t know how to thank you guys.”

  “Come see our act and give us a big tip.”

  “You can count on it.” I disconnected.

  I related the turn of events, and we all trooped down to the lobby to await Rocky’s arrival. We settled into two Victorian sofas that faced each other and talked about New Orleans poker. In less than ten minutes, looking like a dark devil-angel, Houdini strode through the hotel entryway. Rocky followed him, the neon-green snake hanging around his shoulders. He was wearing his Twins jacket and blue aviator hat.

  His face lit up like a kid at Christmas when he caught sight of us. “Nick Coop! Shay O’Hanlon!”

  I heard Baz say, “He’s got it!”

  Rocky lurched toward Coop and nearly bowled him over. Then he launched himself at me. After I’d squeezed Rocky, I pushed him away and shook him gently. “Rocky, don’t you ever leave without telling us where you’re going. You really scared Eddy and Agnes.”

  Rocky looked over at Eddy with big eyes. His bottom lip started to quiver.

  “Oh, young man, you come here.” Eddy opened her arms and Rocky dove into them.

  “I’m very sorry, Miss Eddy. I did not mean to scare you.” His voice was tight and low.

  Houdini said, “I’ll leave you all to your reunion.”

  “Thanks, Houdini,” I said.

  He tipped an imaginary hat at me. “Anytime. Adieu,” he rumbled, and then swooped out the door without another word.

  I turned my attention back to the unfolding drama. “Shhh,” Eddy was saying. “It’s okay. Just let us know where you’re going next time. Okay?”

  Rocky nodded vigorously. Then he stood straight and the expression on his face melted into one of barely restrained glee. “I found a girlfriend!”

  Eddy was the first one to recover from Rocky’s announcement. “You did? What’s her name?”

  Rocky beamed. “Tulip. She makes twenty-six different balloon animals. She is very pretty and is four-feet-nine inches tall!”

  Oh boy. I wondered if anyone had ever explained the birds and the bees to him. If not, I was going to volunteer Coop for that job.

  Agnes rocked her way to her feet. “Let’s go back up to the room so we can hear this story properly.”

  Upstairs, I took a minute to use the bathroom. It didn’t appear the Baz’s new pals had anything to do with Rocky, Eddy, or Agnes, after all. It was simply a coincidence that the women had been unavailable to return our calls. That was a huge load off my shoulders.

  As I wiped my hands, I heard Baz shouting. I opened the bathroom door and stepped out into the middle of a tug of war between Baz and Rocky. Rocky’s face was set in determination. “Agnes gave it to me.” His hands were wrapped around the head of the snake, while Baz had a grip on the toy’s tail.

  “No!” Baz shouted. “I’ll buy you another one. Just give me this one.”

  “No. You are a mean man. I don’t like you!” Rocky yanked on the snake. Baz stumbled forward a half step and then set his feet again.

  “Give me the goddamn thing.”

  Baz pulled hard, and Rocky pulled harder.

  With an unmistakable rip, the snake split in half. Baz slammed into the door. Rocky sprawled backward across one of the beds. As amusing as the crashing humans were, they weren’t the most riveting sight before me.

  What rooted everyone to the floor in amazement were the crumpled bills and rolls of cash that spewed out of the snake.

  For a frozen moment, no one said a word.

  Baz picked himself off the floor and scooped up a bill. He sniffed it and looked at it from different angles. Then he proclaimed in an awed voice, “I’m rich.”

  Rocky, his eyes wide, whispered, “Doodlebug broke.”

  “Don’t you worry, Rocky.” Eddy patted him on the shoulder as she looked at the money scattered around the room with a scowl. “We’ll find you another Doodlebug. Won’t we, Basil?”

  Baz scooted around on his knees, furiously grabbing the crumpled and rolled bills and stuffing them in his pocket. He paused, both hands full of greenbacks. “Oh sure. Not a problem. Not a problem at all.”

  “Basil,” Agnes said sternly. “That is not your money. And why is it inside that ugly animal?”

  “Don’t know,” Baz said, his pockets beginning to bulge.

  A knock sounded on the door. I looked at Eddy. “Are you expecting anyone?”

  She shook her head and stepped around Baz. Her hand was outstretched to open the door when a very bad feeling slammed me in the gut. I reached for her and yelled, “Wait!” just as she twisted the knob.

  The door slammed inward with violent force, toppling Eddy backward into me. We went down in a tangle of limbs as three men with wicked-looking guns strode into the room.

  FIVE

  FROZEN ON THE FLOOR, Eddy and I stared at a hulk-like man who loomed over us, pistol pointed directly at my belly button.

  “Everyone on the bed,” barked one of the other two men. This guy had been with the frighteningly large man when they chased us at Jackson Square. Up close, the second man’s hair was beyond pale, and his skin was so white it practically glowed. The guy’s eyebrows blended right into his sharp features. I expected vampire fangs to pop out of his gums when he opened his mouth.

  Heart in my throat, I peeled myself off Eddy and gave her a hand up. She squeezed my fingers once in reassurance, and we joined the rest of the cadre already huddled on the bed.

  The third man, who I’d never seen before, was of Latin origin. He stood maybe five-eleven, with slicked back black hair and dark eyes. He was obviously in charge. He surveyed the room and said in a clear but heavily accented voice, “Hunk, pick up the money off the floor.”

  Hunk? Really? The large man kneeled stiffly to gather scattered bills.

  “Donny,” the Latino jerked his head toward the pseudo-

  vampire, “I think el hombre gordo has some dólares in his pockets. Can you help him give them back?” He picked up the two pieces of the snake.

  Donny advanced on Baz, who shrieked, “I do not!” He was still on his knees, money in one hand and bills falling out of his pockets.

  The man thrust the muzzle of his gleaming blue-black handgun right in Baz’s face. With his other hand, he reached down and grabbed the edge of a hundred dollar bill peeping out of Baz’s pants pockets.

  “You don’t, huh?” Donny’s voice was higher than Minnie Mouse’s. He poked Baz’s cheek with the gun. “I think you better check those pockets again. You don’t want Tomás here to get angry. They don’t call him Tommy Tormenta for nothing.”

  Hands trembling, Baz started handing over his ill-gotten booty.

  Holy crap. Hunk, Donny, and now Tommy Tormenta? Seriously? We were trapped in a B-rated comedy.

  Rocky stared at the gun in Baz’s face. “That is a very nice FN Five-seven semi-automatic pistol.”

  How on god’s no-longer-green earth did Rocky do that?

  Tomás’s right eyebrow spiked and one corner of his mouth curled up. He said in a deadly tone of voice, “Sí, it is, and it would be a very good idea not to piss any of us off.”

  As Baz handed over the last bill, I looked at Agnes. She was almost as white as Donny, and sat primly on the edge of the bed, her hands folded in her lap. Coop’s jaw muscle bulged every few seconds, but he wasn’t chewing any gum. I tried to think of a way out of this, but with three armed men against two ladies-of-a-certain-age, one working-on-reforming pacifist, a certified idiot, a challenged man, and me … we were a little overwhelmed.

  Tomás said, “Give me your cell phones. Then we go.” He motioned toward the door with his gun, then leveled it at Baz’s chest. “Señor, it would do you much good to hand it over now.” He held out his other hand expectantly.

  Baz, his eyes all squinty and mouth bunched up as if he were about to throw a tantrum, removed a phone from his pocket and slapped it in the palm of Tomás’s hand. I half-wished Baz would go into a full-on meltdown. Maybe the distraction would give us a chance to
do something.

  Instead, Tomás turned his dark eyes on me. “Your turn, señorita.”

  Hope fading fast, I narrowed my eyes and handed over my iPhone. Coop followed suit.

  “And you two,” Tomás addressed Eddy and Agnes. “If you have a phone, I suggest you give it to me right now.”

  “I hate those things,” Eddy said, “and so does Agnes. Doncha, Aggie?” Eddy elbowed her, eliciting a grunt.

  Agnes rubbed her side and nodded. “Wouldn’t catch me dead with one.” She looked Tomás in the eye. “And Rocky doesn’t have one either.”

  Tomás nodded. He picked up the empty ice bin sitting on the top of the dresser and then walked into the bathroom. Water ran for a minute, then Tomás reappeared holding the dripping bucket.

  “Say adios.”

  I nearly cried as my spendy gadget went for a swim along with the others. He set the bucket back on the dresser. That was one sure way of taking care of our communication issues.

  Tomás dusted his hand and said, “Let’s go, then. Nice and slow. Donny, you stay with me. Hunk, you lead. And,” he stared us down through hard, cold eyes, “I would not try to escape. Situations like this often turn deadly. Let’s go.”

  “Wait,” Agnes said. “I need my purse.”

  Donny laughed. “Where you’re going, old lady, you don’t need a purse.”

  Luckily, neither Agnes nor Eddy decided to comment on that. I tried to quell the fear and impotent rage battling for emotional supremacy inside me. All I could do was concentrate on breathing.

  The armed trio guided us down the emergency stairs that let out to the alley where Gabby had dropped us off. Darkness had descended, and the air was now chilly. A black panel extended-van was parked next to the still-aromatic dumpster.

  “Tie them up,” Tomás said.

  Paleface Donny rolled the side door open. Unlike a regular van with bench seats facing forward, one bench extended back from behind the driver’s seat to the rear. A shorter bench faced it on the other side next to a sliding door. The interior looked like something a SWAT team might use. A long coil of clothesline lay on the floor of the van.

  I scanned the alley for a means of escape but could come up with nothing that wouldn’t endanger everyone else. Thank goodness Eddy was keeping her lip zipped at least. She had a propensity for belligerence. Just like someone else I knew. I was riding the razor edge of desperate, insane action or rational inaction, but somehow I was managing to hold it all together.