In This Life

by Christine Brae

  “YOU’D BETTER STAND back, I think I’m going to burst right here,” I warned, standing in the elevator on the way to the 18th floor.

  Dante kept his arm draped around me as the other couples stepped inside. We had just finished a late dinner at one of our favorite spots in Soho and were now on our way to meet Maggie and her boyfriend, Donny. He was now her serious boyfriend, moving to New York to spend all his time with her. His father was the CEO of a popular leather shoe company in Italy and he planned to open outlets in the States.

  “You did eat more than you normally do, but it doesn’t show one bit,” he whispered sensually in my ear while slipping his hand under my dress. “I really love this outfit on you.” Dante looked so dashing in a fitted Armani sport coat and slim dark washed jeans. Everything he wore was custom made; his appearance smacked of success. In wanting to match his polished look, I wore a grey leather dress that was fitted and revealing.

  “Mmm,” I said with a slight moan, staking a claim and defying the envious stares of the women by rubbing myself against him. He attracted them like moths to a flame. “Behave yourself for a few hours, will you?” I teased back, bent on making the night up to him, whatever it took. I wanted to erase the hurt that my words had caused him earlier.

  The elevator doors opened and we all filed out in a line. The rooftop bar at the James Hotel was where Dante and I had our first real kiss. We hadn’t made a friends-with-benefits kind of commitment, but rather a conscious promise from me to see him in a different light. I had never regretted that decision despite the topsy-turviness of my feelings over the past year. There’s so much to be said about closure. I needed it. I knew that if I ever got the chance to have it, I would beg Dante for forgiveness and promise to love only him for the rest of my life.

  If only I could. We headed straight to our favorite spot, the blue chairs right by the corner window overlooking the most beautiful view of the city. I hardly had the time to admire the sights before I heard a familiar voice yelling out my name.

  “Sparky!” Maggie shouted as she boldly pushed away the strangers who stood in her way. My beautiful friend, with long golden hair and the brightest blue eyes. I was afraid she was going to fall on her face with those five inch heels on the slippery laminate floor. I held my arms out for an embrace. Dante stood up to give her a hug then shook hands with Donny.

  “Hi! You’re on time for once!” I said.

  Donny stood right behind her with a big grin on his face. He was a former soccer player with wide shoulders and ringlets of brown hair scattered all over his head.

  “Hi, Donny. So nice to see you again. Come, sit.”

  Maggie took a seat on the blue stool next to me while Donny sat across from Dante, who motioned for the server to take our order.

  “Champagne okay with everyone?”

  We all nodded in unison.

  He turned his attention to a pretty server in a tight black dress who brought her face close to his in an attempt to hear him speak. “A bottle of Dom Cuvee, please, and four glasses. Wait, hold on.” He took my hand and asked, “Baby, is that okay or do you want your Rosé?”

  “I’m good with that. Thanks.” I squeezed his hand. “Oh, oh, oh, the hotdog thingies. Get the hotdog rolls.”

  “And the breaded franks, please,” he instructed the server.

  “And sliders.”

  “And the sliders,” he said, giving me a confused look and shaking his head.

  “Maggie’s hungry,” I said in defense.

  She laughed and took my other hand.

  “So, how are things?” I asked.

  Maggie looked like she was about to blow up. Puffed cheeks, pursed lips, and Donny had a puppy dog look on his face. These two were holding on to a secret that they couldn’t keep.

  “EEEEK!” she squealed as she held up her left hand to reveal a beautiful diamond solitaire on her ring finger.

  I jumped up in glee, almost knocking over the bucket of champagne that sat on the solid wooden table.

  “Congratulations! Oh my God! I’m so happy!” I cried.

  Dante stood up as we all locked arms in a group hug.

  “When? When did this happen?” I asked, holding on to Dante’s hand. He had an almost unreadable look on his face. The microprocessor in his brain was running at full speed, and yet he sat there without a change in expression.

  “Tonight! Empire State Building! They closed down the Observation Deck for us!” she gushed animatedly.

  “She was very surprised. She looked like she was going to hit me!” Donny said.

  “When?” asked Dante, trying to hold me down as I bobbed up and down excitedly.

  “Next May in Italy! And you will be my matron of honor, Anna. And Dante, Donny wants you as his best man!”

  “Me?” asked Dante in surprise.

  “Yes, you! He has too many brothers, and choosing one will get him in trouble.” The puppy dog nodded his head in agreement.

  “Ah. Well, it would be an honor,” Dante said with a downward tip of his head. I looked at him lovingly before leaning over to kiss his lips. I knew that this subject would surface later on this evening once we were alone. I was roused from my thoughts when the two men stood up to leave.

  “We’re going outside for a cigarette,” Dante announced. He smoked socially on the occasional night out, especially after having had a few drinks. I never had to worry about him. He was too much of an athlete to allow himself more than a manageable amount.

  “Have fun, boys!” Maggie said as she scooted closer to me.

  I reached out and popped a roll in my mouth.

  “My best friend is getting married!” I exclaimed, squeezing her shoulders.

  “I know, right? Oh, Anna, I’m so happy. I can’t explain it. He’s just the most adorable man I’ve ever met. And he loves me so much. And can you believe it? We can have babies of the same age!” I didn’t have to say anything. She noticed the look on my face. And yet she kept on, trying her best to keep light of the moment. She glanced in the direction of our two men. “Look at them. Our husbands are so hot,” she added, pretending to fan herself with her hand.

  I laughed nervously. “God, I wish it was that simple.” I leaned back against the seat and draped Dante’s jacket over my shoulder. “We had—” I stopped cold when I looked up at the line forming for the bathroom. My chest grew tight. The man with his back to me had the same black New York baseball cap over the same black wavy hair, the same compact shoulders with the same strong arms.

  “Spark, what’s the matter?” Maggie asked worriedly. “What is it?”

  He turned around to scan the room. It wasn’t him. I let out a sigh of relief. Or disappointment.

  “Nothing. Nothing. I just thought—”

  “Let’s go outside before the men return.” She pulled me up and led me outdoors, skillfully maneuvering me through the other exit as we saw Dante and Donny heading back in our direction. We were scrunched to the side, pushed against the barrier surrounding the swimming pool by attractive, scantily clad women and obnoxious, drunk rich men. This was New York, the land of single, eligible, lonely people always on the lookout for potential targets. In no time, we were surrounded by three men around our age, one of whom I recognized as a paramedic who frequented the emergency room to chat with the nurses.

  Maggie turned into Maggie as she grabbed my left hand and flashed both our rings up in the air. “Fly away, vultures. We’re taken.”

  The men scuttled away without a word. I laughed through my tears as she handed me a cigarette. I frowned at her as I took it from her fingers, spinning around at the same time to lean against the glass and take in the view. Off in the distance the Empire State Building towered above the others, but it was only one in the multitude of twinkling lights that illuminated the city and brought it colorfully to life.

  “Bad influence,” I joked.

  “Come on, Sparky. That’s the beauty of you. You’re unorthodox in every single way.”

  I inhaled
deeply, hoping that the smoke would take my woes away as it exited my body.

  “Okay. Talk to me,” Maggie ordered.

  The wind lapped at our dresses and we both held them down with one hand. It was a beautiful October evening, a residual gift of the Indian summer still steadily holding on.

  “We had another fight today. He really wants to have a baby. We’ve only been married for a year, Mags. What’s the rush?”

  “Listen. No one knows this but me. I see it, Spark. Your refusal to settle down—it’s because you don’t want to let ‘him’ go.” She enunciated her words with air quotes. “It’s your mind playing tricks on you. Give yourself to Dante. He’s proven himself to you. And you can’t do that if all you have in your head is the guy you think,” she paused once again to emphasize the word, “loved you five years ago.” She decided to pile it on. “He left you right after you had sex with him, remember? He walked away and never looked back. Why shouldn’t you?”

  “Whoa. That’s harsh.” I faced her squarely as the tears dripped down my face.

  She stubbed out her cigarette, took out a handkerchief, and dabbed my eyes with its tip. Then she took my face in her hands.

  “Sparky, trust me on this. Trust me. He’s never coming back. Close that door. You’re married. To someone who loves you so much.”

  “I know, I know.” I sniffed. “It’s been over for long time. I’m over it.”

  She shook her head and added an exaggerated rolling of the eyes.

  “Most of the time,” I laughed.

  “There you are!” Dante’s approaching voice gave me enough time to wipe the sides of my eyes. I shot Maggie a worried look, but she nodded her head to signal that I looked fine. “We decided to come find you after we were being targeted by some pretty good looking women.”

  Donny laughed in agreement. “Yes, we started assigning scores to them as they walked past our table.”

  “You what?” Maggie giggled. “Maybe you should be the one wearing an engagement ring.” She hooked her arm in his possessively.

  I rushed over to Dante and wrapped mine around his waist.

  “Hi,” he said, kissing the top of my head. “Let’s go order another bottle of champagne.”

  WE ARRIVED HOME past three in the morning to find the house completely quiet and dark. I slipped off my high heeled shoes and checked around to find that Mikey had cleaned up after himself and even put away the dishes.

  “I’m going to my office to send out a quick email,” Dante whispered as he laid the keys on the kitchen counter.

  “Okay,” I said. “I’m going to check on Mike and get ready for bed.”

  The soft sound of music drifted down the hall as I walked past the study on the way to the bedroom.

  The rest of the evening had gone relatively well. Maggie and Donny regaled us with stories about the rush to find a venue for their wedding. We laughed about the slight communication error that occurred when both families met for the first time. It was a happy occasion, and we celebrated their announcement with two bottles of champagne. And although I was lightheaded from the effects of the alcohol, my mind was too wired to call it a night. I took my time in the bathroom, removing the traces of makeup from my face, and taking a quick shower to wash off the smell of smoke and food from my body. I stepped out and slipped on a robe before making my way back to check on Dante.

  Silently, I entered the room and locked the door behind me. His gaze was focused on something on the screen of his laptop, and his hands quickly clicked off the page once he saw me sauntering towards him. He wore a pair of reading glasses, something I had never seen him put on before.

  “Hi, sexy,” he called out from behind his desk.

  “Hi.” I smiled warmly as I took my place at the edge of the table. “Still working?”

  “Nelly stopped with a whole bunch of documents for me to review while you were at Tully.” Nelly his ever loyal Executive Assistant/Project Manager. She kept him on task, managed his busy schedule. She was a sexy Latina woman, naturally hot but also very pesky. She got on his nerves way too often for him to feel some sort of attraction towards her. But to her credit, she was the only one who stayed. He was intolerant of incompetence and demanded a commitment to the job that many were not willing to undertake. She had proven her abilities to him and she was highly compensated in return.

  He moved the mouse around the pad and typed on the keyboard.

  I slid off the opposite side and sat on the table directly in front of him. “I’ve never seen you wear glasses before. You look hot. Very intellectual.”

  “It helps me with the headaches, and I can see the screen a bit better.” He smiled. “But you’re the intellectual in this family.”

  “I don’t like what the stress at work is doing to you,” I gently stroked his arm.

  He shrugged his shoulders. “I have a feeling that this is my time. I have to just go with the flow, make as much as I can now.” Quick, deft circular motions with his hand on the mouse told me that he was eager to shut the computer down.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked.

  “About what?” he inquired, genuinely clueless about what I was referring to. He slid his chair closer to me and leaned forward.

  I held his face in my hands. “Everything. This afternoon, Maggie’s engagement. You haven’t even made fun of Donny.” I teased before kissing him on the forehead.

  “Ha!” He laughed. “I’m happy for Maggie, I think she’s going to drive the dude nuts with her irritating sweetness, Donny needs to wear his shirt one size larger, his arms are bursting out of their sleeves, and he also needs to gel his hair.”

  “There he is,” I smiled. “The man I know and love.” I removed his glasses and placed them on the table directly behind me. And then I kissed his left eye, then his right eye and settled my lips on his right cheek. “I’m sorry about this afternoon,” I started to say.

  “I know you are,” he whispered. “I love you. Maybe it’s okay, just being you and me for now.”

  “No, no,” I argued softly. “I meant what I said,” I leaned back on my arms and spread my legs seductively. “In fact…” My robe fell open, its right sleeve sliding off my shoulder as if on cue. He licked his lips and settled his hands on my legs. “We are going to try. Right,” I tugged at his hands, “now.”

  “No,” he said gently as he pulled me towards him. “I just want you to want our baby in your own time.”

  “I want our baby. I want you now, tomorrow, next week, next year. You’re the only one I want,” I whispered, while earnestly trailing my fingers from his chin down to his chest.

  “I must be drunk because I’m beginning to believe you,” he said.

  “Well, believe me.” I jumped off the desk and knelt right in front of him.

  He watched as I unzipped his pants and held him in my hands before showing him how hungry I was for him. He held my head down and let out a groan. “Don’t stop,” he whispered.

  “I love you, Tey. So much,” I said. I wanted to do for him what he was always willing to do for me. To give me love and pleasure and happiness without asking for anything in return. Jude was gone, disappeared into thin air. Gone.

  He lifted himself up to make sure that I took all of him in my mouth. “Suck me, baby. Oh God. Fuck me with that dirty, filthy mouth.”

  I teased, I lingered, I drove him crazy until he lifted my head up roughly, taking me by the shoulders, and settling me on his lap. “I want to be inside you. Put me inside you.”

  I followed him obediently. I knew that he liked it when we talked during sex. I moved myself on top of him, ground myself into him.

  “Tell me, Spark. Tell me how it feels,” he said gruffly.

  “You’re so big, so strong,” I said with a whimper. “You fill me up so much. You’re all I need. You, just you.”

  He lifted me up and set me down on the desk. “What do you want, baby?”

  “I want you to fuck me hard. Harder, Tey, do it harder.”
<
br />   “Like this? Like this?” He held on to my hips as he drove into me, one of my legs on top of his shoulder, the other spread out across the crook of his arm.

  “Yeah,” I said with a gasp. “Yeah, just like that.” The pleasure never failed to make me forget. And every day, I swore it was getting easier and easier. Teeny tiny triumphs in the one thousand, eight hundred and twenty-five days since he’d been gone.

  He leaned over and bit my breast. “This is mine. Your beautiful tits are mine. Squeeze them for me, baby.”

  I followed his every order, bringing my hands to my breasts and caressing myself. He loomed above me, watching me, invading me forcefully. The force of his thrusts would push my head off the desk; he would pull me back, fill me to the brink before pushing me off the table once again.

  “Baby. I’m going to fill you up soon. Tell me you love me.”

  Whenever I was with him, I lived in these moments. There was no one else. This wasn’t a game that I played between two men. I didn’t settle for Dante because I couldn’t have Jude. I gave up on Jude long before I decided that Dante’s love was what I needed in my life. The gentle, unassuming kind of love that lifts you up like the wind and allows you to take flight. It was a liberating kind of love, and except for a few silly bouts of reminiscence and nostalgia, I loved him. I loved Dante.

  “I love you. Oh, Oh, I love you!” I shouted. Those words. Of all the words we’d said tonight, those were the ones that made him come. He released himself inside me and collapsed into my arms. The laptop fell on the floor and papers were strewn all over the place.

  I tenderly skimmed my fingers along the ridge of his back as he tried to catch his breath. “Did we maybe make a baby? Can we try and try and try?” he asked.

  “Are you really going to retire?” I teased back.

  “Oh yeah, as soon as you get pregnant, I’ll be your house slave,” he chuckled. “Baby, you just made me the happiest man on earth.”